In His Eyes

by Nicole Hart

  “God.” I let out a deep sigh and glanced around the empty room, unsure of how I felt about this unfamiliar territory, but continued anyway.

  “I know I’m new to this, to you, and I’m trying to understand all of it. But I know I’m supposed to come to you with my doubts and my fears. And I’m full of both of them. I just want Gracie safe and happy. Please, please, help me with that. Please help me to keep her away from Aaron. Please.” I tried to remember what the preacher had spoken about God’s power and didn’t want to dwell on Aaron’s. I felt guilty comparing the two and changed the subject.

  “And I don’t understand what Joshua sees in me, I really don’t. He seems so good, and he deserves someone equal to his goodness. That’s not me. I wish it was, but I know better.”

  You are worthy.

  I started getting a little freaked out when I heard the words once more. It was almost audible, but not.

  “In Jesus name, Amen,” I muttered quickly, and turned on my side, when a sudden sense of peace fell over me. My body sank into my bed, the cool pillow resting comfortably beneath me, causing my racing thoughts to subside.

  ***

  “Why am I such a mess?” I whined, sliding into the cold metal chair across from Vicky.

  “What do you mean? You’re cute as a button, and you make these uniform shirts look flattering. That I’ll never understand.” She popped a grape in her mouth and gave me a wink.

  “Um, thanks.” I shook my head in confusion and continued with my pity party. “But I mean me, as a person,” I giggled.

  “And just what do you mean by that?” Her voice became firm, and I recognized her motherly tone. I’d watched her use it on her kids more than once.

  “Just...Joshua.” I let out a deep sigh, my shoulders slumping.

  “See, that’s where you’re wrong. You’re not a mess, Ryan. You’re an overcomer. Don’t you realize how powerful that is?”

  I didn’t.

  “Ryan Frost, please come to the Human Resources office. Ryan Frost to the Human Resources department.” The sound of my name announced over the intercom startled me, and I looked at Vicky who gave me an unknowing look.

  “Why would they want to see me?” The worst-case scenarios began rolling around in my mind.

  “I have no idea.” She shrugged her shoulders.

  “Do you think they’re firing me?” I bit the inside of my cheek.

  “No way, you’re doing great. I’m sure it’s nothing bad.” She brushed off my comment as the next fear rolled off my tongue.

  “Do you think he found me?” My eyes began to well up with tears.

  “No, no way. Just go see and stop assuming the worst.”

  “Okay. You’re right.” I stood up and flinched as the metal chair let out a screech while I scooted it back up to the table.

  I made my way to the Human Resources office on the other side of the building, my knees shaking the whole way, different fears rushing my mind. I tried to put them aside as I knocked lightly on the partially opened door.

  “Hello, Ryan. Please come in. Have a seat.” Danielle, the director who hired me, gave me a big smile as she sat in her plush leather chair.

  “Hello.” I gave a fake smile and did as she asked.

  “How are you?” She glanced at her computer screen before turning her attention to me.

  “Good. I hope.” I couldn’t hide my worry.

  “Oh, no. Everything’s fine. Don’t be nervous.” She smiled wide and opened a folder that sat on her desk. I tried to let her comment assure me, although it didn’t really work.

  “Okay, thank you.” I crossed my legs, pressing both of my hands on my knee, trying to control the shaking.

  “When you first got hired on, I noticed that you had a business degree in marketing.” She glanced up from the file and waited for my response.

  “I do, yes. But I never really utilized it. I got married right out of college and became a full-time mom.”

  “I see. But you do have the degree, and we like to promote within. You’ve become familiar with the company, and your department supervisor had great things to say about you.”

  A smile crossed my face, allowing hope to fill me, something I wasn’t very familiar with.

  “We have a marketing position available, and I’d like to offer you the position. You would be paid salary, it would be a significant pay increase. As well as quarterly bonuses.”

  I felt the sudden urge to cry. Not out of sadness, but joy. Pure joy.

  “Um, would my hours change?” I asked, hoping she would give me the answer I needed.

  “The hours are Monday-Friday, eight to five. No weekends or holidays.”

  “That’s perfect,” I whispered through the huge grin that was planted on my face.

  “I’m glad you said that. Is this something you would be interested in?” She lifted her glasses and placed them on her head.

  “Absolutely. I’d love it.” I nodded.

  “I’m glad to hear it. I’d like for you to start immediately. Finish your lunch break and then meet me back here right after.” She stood to her feet.

  “I will. Thank you so much. I really appreciate the opportunity.” I held my hand out for her to shake, unable to downplay the huge grin on my face.

  “I believe you’ll be a great fit for the marketing team. Now, go get some fuel in you, you’ve got a busy day ahead of you.” She gave me a smile that seemed so genuine I wanted to hug her. I didn’t of course.

  “Thanks again.” I nodded and turned my back to her, almost wanting to skip back to the break room.

  As I rounded the corner, I almost ran right into Vicky.

  “Oh, you scared me!” I giggled.

  “I was curious. What’s up?” She gave me a side glance.

  “I got promoted!”

  “Really? Ryan, that’s great! Congratulations!” She wrapped me in a tight embrace.

  “Thank you! I can’t believe I’m actually going to use my degree.” I had given that dream up years ago.

  “You deserve it! This calls for a celebration! This is perfect!” She clapped her hands in excitement.

  “What kind of celebration?”

  “A celebratory dinner! Tonight, my treat!” She looped her arm through mine as we began our way back to the break room.

  “I’d love that, but Gracie is on such a strict schedule.” I didn’t want to turn down her gift, but I had to keep my daughter on track.

  “No worries, Madi can babysit. If that’s okay with you?”

  “Will she want to?” I asked, already knowing the answer to my question. She loved Gracie and had already offered to watch her several times, determined that I needed adult time.

  “Are you kidding? Of course!”

  “Well, in that case...okay, I’d love to. Thanks, Vicky!”

  “You deserve this, Ryan. All of it. Don’t ever doubt that.” She pulled me closer as we walked and for once I started to believe her confidence in me.

  “ARE YOU SURE you don’t mind?” Madi walked through my front door with a huge grin on her face.

  “Are you kidding? Of course not!” She gave my shoulder a light shove and locked eyes with Gracie, who squealed at the sight of her.

  “Your mom isn’t with you?” I looked out into the breezeway before turning back to Madi.

  “Nah, my dad dropped me off. She had to run an errand and said she’ll meet you at the restaurant.” She swooped Gracie in her arms, who started showering her cheek with slobbery kisses.

  “Okay.” I shrugged and looked around the living room, searching for my purse and keys. I noticed them sitting on the table next to the door, the closest place to drop them each day when I came in from a long day at work and a full load in my arms.

  “Gracie, you be good for Madi.” I kissed her on the forehead and felt the light slap of her new favorite bear against my cheek.

  “I won’t be out late. Call me if you need anything.”

  “Will do!” She gave me a wave and Gr
acie followed suit.

  “Love you!” I blew Gracie a kiss with a wave.

  “Say love you, mama!” Madi waved.

  “Oooo, mama!” Gracie murmured, and my heart swelled. I closed the door behind me before I changed my mind.

  ***

  A short time later, I pulled into the parking lot of the steakhouse, thankful I decided to pair my jeans with a sweater and heels, instead of sneakers and t-shirt. This place seemed a little more upscale than I’d expected and was glad I made the right decision.

  I hopped out of my car and decided to wait to text Vicky once I got inside. The wind decided to bring a brisk fall chill with it, and I began to shiver.

  As soon as I walked into the welcoming warmth of the restaurant, I pulled my phone out to text Vicky, but a message came through from her before I had the chance.

  Don’t kill me.

  “What?” I whispered, to myself.

  Are you running late? :)

  I watched as the floating bubbles ran across the screen. I stared, waiting for the message to come through.

  Just trust me on this. It’s for the best.

  I stared at her message, completely confused, before responding.

  What are you talking about? Have you been drinking? LOL

  “Ryan?” I heard the deep voice behind me and I knew exactly who it was.

  Joshua.

  I slid my phone back into my purse and turned around slowly. He was dressed in dark jeans and a black shirt, covered by a leather jacket. His scruff was a little darker today than when I saw him yesterday, his deep dimple buried beneath. His hair was covered with a dark baseball cap, and I was taken aback at how amazing he looked. Casual suited him well.

  “Joshua. What are you doing here?” I asked, and immediately wanted to kick myself. “I mean, how are you? Sorry.” I shook my head, feeling the heat radiate onto my cheeks.

  “I’m good. How about you?” His smile caused butterflies to begin flailing around in my stomach.

  “Good. I’m supposed to meet Vicky for dinner, but I’m not sure if she’s coming.” I bit the inside of my cheek, nervously. I knew I should wait and find out if she would be here before I ran out the door, which was my usual instinct anytime I found myself close to Joshua.

  “Ah.” He nodded in recognition, and I gave him a questioning look.

  “Lee asked me to meet him about a project at the church, but he’s late. And didn’t answer my call.”

  We both shook our heads and Joshua let out a quiet chuckle that made me smile as we came to the realization of what was going on.

  “I think we’ve been set up.” He nodded, scratching his hand over his scruff, and I watched with admiration.

  “I should go,” I blurted out before I gave myself the chance to think about it and change my mind, and began to turn around, heading back into the brisk air.

  “Ryan, don’t,” his deep voice rumbled in the air. Although there was music and chatter in the background, his words were unmistakable, causing my feet to halt.

  “Just...stay, please.” His voice was closer now, and I could feel his presence.

  “I don’t know if I should.” I knew I needed to run, but my feet wouldn’t budge.

  “It’s just dinner. No pressure.” He shuffled his feet around and stood in front of me. “Say yes.” He smiled and gave me a wink.

  “Okay,” I whispered, knowing I shouldn’t, but feeling as if a boulder was holding me in place, forcing me not to dart out the door.

  “Table for two, please.” He held up two fingers, looking over my shoulder.

  “Right this way,” A high-pitched voice mumbled behind me as Ryan placed his hand on the small of my back, my body following his lead as we made our way to a table in the corner.

  “You look beautiful, by the way,” his deep voice rumbled close to my ear as we walked.

  “Thank you.” My voice was meek and shaky.

  I knew I needed to leave. I had to get myself out of this situation before I reached the point of no return. I wasn’t good enough for someone like him, he just didn’t know it. And I would get hurt once he realized it and so would he. Probably sooner than later.

  You are worthy.

  I heard the words roll around in my mind once more, but I ignored them.

  Because...

  I wasn’t worthy. Not of him.

  “I’M GLAD YOU decided to stay.” Joshua gazed at me from across the table. I tried not to meet his eyes, staring at the warm bread sitting in the center of the table.

  But when my eyes were involuntarily drawn upward, I’m pretty sure my heart skipped an actual beat. He was handsome, that was obvious. But it was more than that. There was so much warmth in his eyes, almost too much to handle. I felt drawn to them, drawn to him.

  “Me too.” I wished my words were a lie, but they weren’t. I wanted to be here, even though I knew I didn’t deserve to be. I knew this would be my ongoing dilemma for the rest of tonight.

  “So, are you from around here?” He smiled, and took a drink of his sweet tea, placing the straw the waitress provided on the table.

  “Um, no. I’m from Ohio.” I bit the inside of my cheek, my nerves going into overdrive, fear creeping up.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to pry. I just want to learn all about you, Ryan. I want to know you.” He lowered his head just enough to catch my eye, and I could see his intentions were genuine.

  My saving grace was the waitress bringing our food over to the table. A ribeye steak with mashed potatoes for Joshua and a chicken salad for me. Part of me wanted to take advantage of being in a steakhouse, especially with the delicious scents wafting around me. But I needed to pay for myself and knew that a salad was the way to go.

  “Y’all enjoy and let me know if you need anything else.” She smiled, tucking the round tray under her arm before making a swift exit.

  I watched as Joshua removed the baseball cap from his head, placing it next to him and reaching his hand across the table. I simply stared at it, my eyes wide.

  “I just want to pray.” He gave me a sideways grin.

  “Oh, okay,” I muttered, and placed my hand in his, and once again, the electricity that began at my fingertips made their way up my arm, slamming into my chest. I continued to stare as he bowed his head and closed his eyes. I knew I should do the same, but it was hard to take my eyes off him.

  “Thank you, Father, for this meal, let it nourish our bodies. Bless the hands that prepared it. Thank you for good company and promises kept. In Jesus’ name, Amen.” The words rolled off his lips and I knew he had spent plenty of time praying. I envied it. I envied his understanding of God and the trust he had in Him. The curious part of me wondered what he meant by ‘promises kept.’ But he lifted his head and caused all my previous thoughts to flee with just a look from those deep navy blues.

  “Amen,” I repeated quietly.

  “So, what made you decide to move to Texas? Do you have family here?” He cut his steak and dipped it into his potatoes before popping it into his mouth.

  “Um...,” I stammered, unsure of what to say. I couldn’t tell him the truth, but I didn’t want to lie to him either.

  “Sorry, I’m prying again,” he said. It was then I noticed just a hint of a southern drawl that I hadn’t before. “I’ll just be honest and tell you that Vicky isn’t much help in giving me information, so I figured I needed to go straight to the source.” He gave me a quick wink, throwing my stomach into butterfly flailing mode once again.

  “You asked Vicky about me?” I made a mental note to call Vicky as soon as I got home.

  “I did. But she’s pretty tight lipped.” He smiled, nonchalant and shoved another piece of steak into his mouth. I glanced down at my untouched salad and forced myself to stir it around, unsure if I would be physically able to eat.

  “It’s just me and Gracie, no family or anything,” I replied in the safest way I knew how, just enough information without saying too much.

  “She’s such a
cute kid. How old is she?” he asked, and I was thankful that we switched to a more comfortable subject.

  “She turns one in a couple of weeks. I can’t believe how big she’s getting.” My lips curled into a smile just thinking about how much she was growing and changing every day.

  “You’re a proud mom. I think that’s awesome.” He gave me another wink and I felt like my body was about to melt and slide down the chair I sat in.

  Does it bother you that I’m a single mom?

  That question rolled through my mind and was very close to spilling from my lips. Part of me knew that question might be a deal breaker, and I wasn’t ready for it to be broken just yet. The other part of me thought the question was the right thing to bring up and end this before my feelings were too wrapped up in him. My inner turmoil was exhausting.

  “I am,” I replied, and left it at that. “So, tell me about you.” I decided that turning the conversation away from me was the best thing at this moment, even if it were only temporary.

  “Well, I run an auto body business; I opened a few years ago after I finished college. I’ve always been into cars. I also help my Uncle Jack out at the church when I can.”

  “That’s right, Pastor Andrews is your uncle.” I shook my head, wanting more information about his upbringing, but refusing to bring it up.

  “I see I’m not the only one asking around.” He gave me a huge grin, and I felt the heat rising onto my cheeks, realizing I just busted myself.

  “I’m just kidding with ya.” He let out an infectious laugh, tilting his head, and I watched as his Adam’s apple moved up and down. I couldn’t help but giggle at the situation and trying not to swoon at the sound of his laugh. But it was impossible.

  Swooning was in full force.

  “Maybe I asked, just a little,” I admitted, giving him a bashful glance and then tilting my head downward.

  “Well, I was getting a little nervous that this was completely one-sided, so it’s good to know.”

  I wasn’t sure what this was or where this was going. And in the moment, I wasn’t prepared to think about it.

  “So, tell me more about you,” I spoke up, determined to keep the conversation distracted away from me.