In His Eyes

by Nicole Hart

  THE RINGING OF my phone began as soon as I pulled into the parking lot of my apartment. Gracie was sleeping once again and I didn’t want to disrupt her, but I knew I had to take the call. I swiped my finger across the screen and began to speak before she had a chance.

  “Vicky, I’m so sorry I rushed out without saying goodbye,” I said quietly. I bit the inside of my cheek and glanced around the parking lot nervously—as I did almost every time I came and went.

  “Are you okay? What happened?” Her voice was laced with worry, and I felt a pang of guilt.

  “Oh, no, everything is fine. Gracie was so fussy when she woke up, I figured it was best to get her home so she could finish her nap in her own bed.” My little white lie rolled off my lips and I felt horrible about it. But I couldn’t bear to tell Vicky the truth—that I panicked when my feelings almost caused me to turn around and plant a kiss on Joshua’s lips. Because I knew everything about that would be wrong, and running was my only option.

  “Hmm...” She wasn’t buying my lie, and she wasn’t even going to pretend that she was.

  “But thank you so much for inviting us, everything was so great.” I attempted to change the subject, but I knew Vicky, and she wasn’t going to allow me to sweep my actions under the rug without a real explanation.

  “One of these days you’re going to have to stop believing the lie you’ve convinced yourself of.” She spoke in a stern voice, but I knew her words came from love.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled.

  “And stop apologizing for everything. I thought you had that one taken care of. Geez, woman.” She giggled on the other end of the line and it brought a tiny smile to my face.

  She was right. It’s like I would take one step forward and two steps back. I really did have issues.

  “I know. I’m working on that,” I admitted. It was the truth. I wasn’t very successful yet, but I was trying.

  “You didn’t even take any leftovers. I wanted to send some pie home with you for Gracie.” She did me a favor and changed the subject, although I knew it was only temporary.

  “How about you bring it to me tomorrow at work?” I smiled, glancing at Gracie sleeping in the rearview mirror.

  “Deal. Okay, I’ve got to make nice with the Ms. Nails on the chalkboard, I’ll call you later.” She sighed on the other end of the line.

  “She’s not so bad. Just give her a chance.” I laughed.

  “Whatever you say. I’m trying, I’m trying.”

  “Good luck. And thanks again. For everything, Vicky.” I let out my own sigh.

  “We’re family, it’s what we do. Talk to you soon.”

  “Okay, bye.” I ended the call and took just one more look around before opening the door, with my keys in hand.

  Once I had Gracie tucked into bed, I flung myself on my comfortable sofa and closed my eyes.

  I felt the urge to talk to Him. I needed to figure all of this out and I didn’t know where else to turn. I decided to whisper this time, using my actual voice and hoping it made a difference. Maybe he would hear me if I spoke.

  “God, I know I’m pretty new at all of this, like, talking to you.” I shook my head at my own inexperience with all of this, just another reason I had no business pulling Joshua into my life. But I continued anyway.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled and scolded myself again for using that word...again.

  “I just don’t know what to do.” My voice cracked, causing me to swallow the lump in my throat.

  “I don’t deserve someone like him. He’s too good. Joshua has lived a pure life, and I would just bring someone like him down. I’ve been married, abused, and I have a baby by a man who used me as a punching bag on a regular basis. I honestly don’t see what someone like him would want with me anyway. But I can’t help the way I feel about him. I want to know him better. I want to get close to him. But I’m scared. I’m so scared. What if he leaves when he knows about all my junk? What if Gracie gets attached to him and he walks away? I need your help. Pastor Jack always says to lean on you when we need help. So that’s what I’m doing. Not that I really know how, but I’m trying. Please help me. Please guide me in the right direction. If this isn’t meant to be, please give me a clear sign. If it is, please let me know. Somehow. Give me some sort of sign. I don’t even know if that’s possible, but I feel like I need it. I need something. Please. I’m begging you, God. You’re my only hope right now. I just want to do the right thing. For me and for Gracie...and Joshua. If I’m wrong for him, please don’t let me ruin him. Please help me. In Jesus’ name. Amen.”

  I let out a deep sigh and covered my eyes with my elbow. I hoped God heard me.

  The ping of a text message from my phone on the end table beside me caused me to jump as it echoed in the silence of my home. I reached behind my head and felt around for my phone. Gripping it in my hand, I pulled it in front of me. When I saw his name across the screen, my stomach did a little flip. I slid my finger across the glass and stared at the paragraph for a moment before my eyes would allow me to focus on the words.

  I know you probably don’t know this about me, but I’m really stubborn. Sometimes it works in my favor, and sometimes it doesn’t. But when I know what’s right, I don’t budge. I can’t. I know that you’re meant to be in my life. I can’t let that go. I won’t let it go. And I can see it in your eyes, I’m not the only one who feels it. So I’m asking you not to make this any more difficult than it has to be. Because I’m also learning that I might have met my match in the stubborn department.