In His Eyes

by Nicole Hart

  “Thank you. They’re beautiful.” I took them from his hand, our fingers brushing against each other, electricity running up my arm. I held them closer to me, allowing the soft aroma to linger around me.

  “They don’t hold a candle to you.” He gave me the cutest side grin I’d ever seen in my life, and part of me wanted to kiss him, right then and there. I wouldn’t, of course, but that didn’t change the fact that I wanted to.

  “You’re a little too good to be true, you know that?” I bit my bottom lip and gave him a little smirk, still holding the flowers close to my face.

  “Nah.” It was his turn to brush the compliment aside as he turned his focus to Gracie, who had waddled over to us, one hand on each of our legs.

  “Hey there, pretty girl.” He leaned down, and Gracie reached for him, surprising me.

  “Is it okay if I hold her?” He looked up at me as he asked permission, tugging at my heart strings.

  “Of course.” I smiled and watched as he held my baby girl in his arms. She touched his face with her chubby hands and seemed to explore his features with her fingertips. Joshua remained perfectly still and allowed her to examine him. I couldn’t help but giggle at his stone like statue.

  The next minute, Gracie was wiggling out of his arms and running on wobbly legs to her room.

  “She must have better things to do.” Joshua chuckled as he followed me toward my tiny kitchen, where I put the flowers in a vase of water.

  “She’s a busy girl,” I replied with a smile.

  “Are you ready to go?” he asked, just as Gracie came running out of her room.

  “Sure.” I gave him a smile, admiring every part of him, and then noticed Gracie standing next to him. She was holding the stuffed bear he’d given her, which had become her constant companion ever since.

  I was shocked that she associated the two of them, even after the time that had gone by.

  “You’ve made quite the impact on her,” I confessed, unsure if my words were going to scare him off.

  But the next words he spoke, assured me otherwise.

  “I know the feeling.” He smiled at her before turning his attention back to me.

  We stared into each other eyes for what seemed like an eternity. I was getting lost in those deep blue eyes and I had no desire to find my way back.

  I was falling for this man. And I don’t think I could stop it if I tried.

  “WOW, IT’S REALLY beautiful.” I forced my attention to the stringed lights that were lining the streets. But the truth was, I was only partly talking about the environment around me.

  The true beauty was watching Joshua carry my sleeping girl in his arms. I’d asked him a dozen times if he wanted me to hold her. I knew exactly how heavy she was getting. And when she slept, I was convinced her weight doubled. But he declined each and every time.

  He supported her with ease as we strolled down the streets of downtown. I scolded myself internally for not bringing her stroller. But my thoughts were running a thousand miles a minute and it didn’t even cross my mind before we left my apartment. Not to mention how handsome Joshua looked. The scent of his cologne was more than distracting in the moment.

  The streets were scattered with people weaving around one another. Some had stopped to take selfies in front of some of the displays. Others were gathered, chatting and laughing, caught up in their own worlds.

  A couple, probably in their twenties, stopped in front of us, and the woman pulled her hand from the man’s grasp and covered his mouth before speaking.

  “Oh my goodness, she’s so beautiful,” she gushed over Gracie, who was slumped against Joshua’s chest.

  “Thank you,” I replied quietly, and glanced at Joshua, who was admiring my daughter, patting her back as she began to stir.

  “Baby, this is going to be us soon!” She leaned into the man beside her, who was quite tall, fitting just into the crook of his shoulder.

  “I can’t wait.” He kissed her forehead and placed his hand over her flat tummy.

  I watched the moment they shared together and felt a little pang of something—jealousy maybe. My entire pregnancy was surrounded by negativity and lonely nights, just hoping my husband would change. Listening to the venom he spewed when I got stretchmarks or when my feet would swell. There wasn’t a moment of compassion or tenderness during the entire pregnancy.

  But I wouldn’t dwell on that time. It was over, and I would never go back to that kind of unhappiness or being forced to live with someone who was so obviously repulsed by my expectant frame.

  I forced those thoughts away as I watched Gracie lift her head slightly and then nuzzle into Joshua’s neck. He chuckled silently and continued to pat her back.

  “I’m sorry for bothering you guys, I just had to tell you how beautiful y’all’s little girl is.” She smiled big, and then glanced up at the man accompanying her.

  “It’s no bother, and congratulations.” I listened as Joshua spoke with ease, I did my best to get out of my own head. I tried not to focus on the fact that she believed Gracie was a child that Joshua and I shared.

  “Thank you. You guys have a good night,” the man spoke, and then led his lady away as she pressed her own hand over her stomach this time.

  “Y’all, too.” She beamed and pressed against her love, as they strolled out of sight.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled, unable to shake the nervous feeling that was now consuming me. I never wanted him to be in a position where he felt uncomfortable about being around Gracie and me.

  “For what?” He glanced down at me, pressing his free hand on the small of my back, leading me to the enormous Christmas tree down the block.

  “I just...I don’t know. That was probably weird for you. She assumed...” I stammered, unable to verbalize the situation out loud.

  “Ryan,” he spoke, and stopped, pressing his hand against my back, causing me to turn and face him. I did and looked into his eyes.

  “Yeah,” I replied.

  “Don’t worry about what people think. And someone thinking she’s mine isn’t exactly the worst thing anyone has ever thought of me.” He laughed and shook his head.

  “I just don’t want you to be uncomfortable.” I bit my bottom lip out of nervousness.

  “I’m fine, trust me.” He spoke low, his deep voice rumbling around me as he leaned in and pressed his full lips against my forehead. Electricity flowed from the spot his lips were touching, down my spine. I shut my eyes and allowed his tenderness to seep through my body and reveled in the closeness.

  When I opened my eyes, Joshua had pulled away just slightly and I saw Gracie’s big blue eyes staring at me. She was half asleep and wearing the cutest grin, turning her attention back and forth between Joshua and me.

  “Oooooo,” Gracie gushed as her attention was shifted from us to the twinkling lights around her. The sun had set and the night sky was twinkling, showcasing the upcoming Christmas season.

  “It’s pretty, isn’t it, sweetie?” I spoke with excitement as Gracie leaned closer to me and I took her out of Joshua’s arms, which had to be aching at this point.

  “Come on, I want her to have a front row spot when they light the tree.” Joshua beamed, his eyes sparkled and his smile lit up the atmosphere to a higher degree. I loved the way he always thought of Gracie when we were together. It was heartwarming.

  We made our way to the huge tree and the crowd of people that were beginning to gather around it. We seemed to get here just in the nick of time.

  Gracie perked up as the people around us began to countdown.

  Joshua and I both joined in as Gracie attempted to look in every direction. Her head bobbing all around, making me giggle.

  “Five. Four. Three. Two. One,” we yelled. I pointed my finger toward the tree as it lit up, and the crowd began to cheer. Gracie joined in, squealing and clapping her hands.

  “Yaaayyyy!!” She clapped her hands and then reached them toward Joshua, who was already staring at us.

  �
��Yuh-Yuh!” She yelled and leaned her body in Joshua’s direction.

  Yuh-Yuh. My eyes filled with tears.

  “Did she just say my name?” Joshua beamed and scooped Gracie from my arms, and we both began to laugh.

  “I think she did,” I whispered, through the lump in my throat.

  “Did you say Joshua?” he asked, holding Gracie in the air.

  “Yuh-Yuh!” she repeated and then wrapped her arms around his neck, just as a single tear slid down my cheek. Joshua glanced at me as I swiped it away. He shifted Gracie into his left arm and placed his right one over my shoulder, pulling me close to him. I draped my arm around his waist and gave him a squeeze that he reciprocated.

  I stared at the tree and then up to my left, at the most beautiful sight I was sure I’d ever seen.

  “SHE’S OUT.” I smiled, leaving Gracie’s bedroom door open just a little as I walked back into the living room where Joshua was lounged back comfortably on my sofa. My heart began to pound against my chest when I realized we were alone. Not to mention, now we were in my house, making it a lot harder to run away.

  “She seemed like she had a fun night.” His smile beamed in the dim living room.

  “She really did,” I agreed, standing in place, just a few feet from Joshua, fidgeting with the sleeve of my sweater. “Um...can I get you something to drink?” I asked.

  “Nah, I’m good.” He smiled and patted his hand on the sofa next to him. My feet began to move closer while my brain was trying to convince me to turn in the other direction.

  We stared into each other’s eyes as I eased myself down next to him, our thighs touching lightly.

  “Thank you for tonight.” I placed my hands over my knees to keep them from bouncing up and down nervously.

  “Thank you for saying yes.” He reached over and put my hand in his, pulling it up to his lips, pressing them softly against my skin.

  “I’m sorry about the way I’ve been with you. It’s not you, I promise,” I admitted, needing him to know that my problem was my own issues and had nothing to do with him.

  “Ryan,” the way my name rolled off his lips caused my skin to prickle, “I don’t ever want to push you into anything, no matter how bad I want you.” His voice was low, and the way his gaze kept flickering from my eyes to my lips caused me to lean into him. I couldn’t hold out one more second. I needed to feel his lips against mine.

  He took my cue and pressed his lips gently against mine. They were soft and cool. As he leaned in closer, both of his hands made their way to the sides of my face, holding me in place as his lips worked their magic.

  I pressed into him, our lips moving in perfect sync, his tongue delving into my mouth, caressing and teasing me.

  My breath began to quicken and I leaned closer to him, his hands moving from my face to my waist, his fingertips gripping me tightly, turning me into him. He leaned back and pulled me closer to him, my arms twisting around his neck, pressing into him.

  It had been so long since I’d felt the touch of a man, and suddenly my fear was gone, and a need I didn’t realize I was capable of anymore seemed to take control.

  But I knew this was too much, too soon.

  “Wait.” I forced my lips away from his and pulled my body back onto the cushion of the sofa.

  My breathing was heavy, and when I looked at him his chest was heaving, and his teeth ran across his bottom lip.

  “I’m sorry.” My voice was raspy.

  “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have...” He seemed distraught, as he ran his hands through his perfectly messy hair.

  “No, don’t apologize.” I felt a pang of guilt. I knew that a big part of me wanted to take things faster than they should have gone in that moment. But from the look on his face, I wasn’t alone.

  He let out a long sigh and raked his hands across his thighs, gathering his own composure as I stood to my feet, suddenly parched.

  “Do you want a drink of water?” I asked, already making my way into my tiny kitchen.

  “Please,” he responded and then cleared his throat. I couldn’t help but smile at our almost teenage hormonal antics. I grabbed two bottles of water from the refrigerator and walked back into the living room. I handed Joshua one of them and took a seat next to him on the sofa, with just a little more distance than last time, unsure if I trusted myself with him. I took a long gulp of my water and before I could stop myself, my truth came spilling from my lips.

  “I’m divorced. I was married to Gracie’s dad; he was very abusive and we ran away while he was at work.” I hated that I used the term “ran away,” as if I were a child running away from her parents. But the truth was, he never made me feel like a grown woman.

  Joshua didn’t verbalize his response, but he grabbed my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, without moving any closer. I swallowed hard before continuing.

  “Oh gosh.” I let out a sigh and stared at the ceiling for a second before I continued, unable to make eye contact with him.

  “And then we lived in a women’s shelter for a couple of months until I could get on my feet. I know it sounds bad, but I didn’t have any choice, I had to get away from him. I was so scared he would start taking his anger out on Gracie. I would never forgive myself if he hurt her.” My eyes began to fill with tears and I bit the inside of my cheek, hoping it would cause them to go back where they came from.

  “I just knew it was inevitable; he never loved her, he made that clear. He never even really acknowledged her. But I knew that would change and she would become a target also. I couldn’t let that happen.”

  I finally got the courage to look in Joshua’s direction, and his eyes were staring at me. I watched as his Adam’s apple flexed while he swallowed. He blinked a couple of times but didn’t speak. I wasn’t sure what to think of his non-verbal response.

  “I’m sorry. I know it’s kind of embarrassing. I should never have let myself get wrapped up with someone like him. And then bring a child into this world, with someone like him. Not that I regret Gracie, she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I love her more than life itself. I just hate that I had to get help from a shelter instead of doing it on my own from the start, but I was in a really tough position and I didn’t have any other choice. I thank God for the shelter; they helped me more than I could have ever imagined.”

  His silence was deafening.

  “And that’s why I kept running from you. You’re too good and pure for someone like me. A divorcee who’s still scared to death that her ex-husband is going to come after her. A battered woman who had to find help in a shelter across the country. I wouldn’t blame you if you were the one to run now. You deserve someone—” His lips slammed against mine, silencing me.

  I remained still as his full mouth pressed against mine, again and again and again.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered with his lips almost still touching mine, his hot breath against my mouth.

  “But—” I tried to argue, explain to him all the reasons that he deserved someone better than me.

  “Ryan,” he pulled his face back just enough to look into my eyes, “I’m. Not. Going. Anywhere,” he repeated, pressing his lips to mine once more before wrapping his arms around me in a tight embrace.

  “You’re not?” I pulled back needing to see his face, read him.

  “Nope.” He gave me a side grin and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

  I allowed a tear to slide down my cheek, and Joshua pulled me against him, the tear falling on his shirt.

  “Just let me hold you,” he whispered, holding me tight. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed against his firm body, feeling the comfort and warmth that he exuded.

  You are worthy.

  A LIGHT TAP on the front door startled me from my nap. Gracie was still propped on my lap, sleeping soundly. I had been up most of the night, when her fever started. My baby girl was miserable, and I felt horrible for her. Even when the children’s fever medicine took effect and sh
e fell asleep, I continued to watch her like a hawk. A mother’s worry was powerful, and sleep wasn’t really in the cards for me while she was sick.

  But she hadn’t run a fever since early this morning, and she seemed to be feeling a little better, other than being exhausted. But that made two of us.

  When another light knock rapped on my door, I slid her out of my arms and propped her next to a throw pillow on the sofa. I glanced at my reflection in the decorative mirror on the wall, trying to contain the fly away hairs that had fallen from my top knot.

  I stood on my tip-toes and peered out the peep hole, seeing Joshua’s face.

  “Crap,” I mumbled, pulling the pony tail holder from the jumbled mess and running my fingers quickly through my hair, trying to control it. I debated on ignoring the knock as I glanced down at my black sweats and pink sweatshirt.

  But the truth was, I wanted to see him, even more than I was worried about the way I looked right now. Maybe he wouldn’t mind the sweats and zero makeup look.

  “Here goes nothing,” I whispered to myself, unlocking the deadbolt and pulling the door open. The brisk winter air slapped me in the face and then my eyes were drawn to Joshua’s frame causing the bitter cold air to take a back seat. It was obvious he had come straight from church, still wearing black slacks and a button up shirt. His hair was styled in his usual perfect mess and I noticed he was holding a large brown bag.

  “Hey.” I gave him a shy smile and opened the door a little wider so he could enter.

  “You look cute.” He gave me a wink and pressed his lips to mine. I was thankful I’d at least taken the time to brush my teeth this morning, if nothing else.

  “Are you being sarcastic?” I gave him a tiny glare, but his reaction told me that he was being anything but.

  “Not a bit.” He leaned in once more and planted a kiss on my forehead.

  “How’s the patient this morning?” he asked, looking over my head and turning his attention to Gracie, who was still sleeping peacefully.

  “No fever in almost eight hours.” I gave him two thumbs up and closed the door behind him.