In His Eyes

by Nicole Hart

  “Oh, good. I brought lunch. I figured you hadn’t eaten.” He held up the brown bag and the aroma of BBQ filled my senses, causing my stomach to growl.

  “That was nice of you.” I smiled at his thoughtfulness.

  “My Aunt Kate also sent some chicken soup for Gracie.” That part shocked me, seeing that I’d never really had a formal conversation with his aunt or uncle other than the usual greetings in passing on Sunday morning.

  “She did?” I couldn’t hide my surprise.

  “Yeah, she asked about you after church and when I told her that Gracie was sick, she demanded I bring her soup.” He walked past me and placed the bag on the kitchen bar. I had no idea that she would notice I wasn’t at church this morning. There were hundreds of people in attendance on any given Sunday.

  “She also wants you guys to come over for dinner when Gracie is feeling better.” He shook his head with a laugh, pulling the Styrofoam containers out of the bag, as well as the large Tupperware bowl.

  “Uh, what?” I hoped I had misunderstood him. The thought of meeting Joshua’s family, formally, made me nervous. Beyond nervous.

  “It’s okay, Ryan. They’ve been wanting to get to know you for a while. My aunt even wanted to call you, but I asked her not to. I didn’t want her to scare you off, trying to fix me up. She knew I was interested, and when she’s determined, that’s all there is to it. My uncle calls her a bulldog.” He laughed quietly, turning to face me.

  Everything he’d just said came as an utter shock to me. It was obvious that I had a child, and a huge part of me assumed that they would think I wasn’t good enough for Joshua. I thought I wasn’t good enough for him.

  “Ryan, they’re good people.” He walked closer to me and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me close to him.

  “I just thought...” I began to give him all the reasons I thought they wouldn’t approve of me, but he placed his finger over my lips, silencing me.

  “You’re perfect. I know you don’t see that, but you might just be the only one.” He kissed me once more, and I heard a grumble from the couch. We pulled away from each other and I saw Gracie sitting up, her hair a wild mess, but she was wearing a grin.

  “Hi, mama.” She waved at me and then pressed her fist against her sleepy eyes.

  “Hello, sweetie.” Joshua and I both looked at each other and smiled before turning our attention to Gracie.

  “I forgot something in the car, I’ll be right back.” He held up his index finger and then jogged out the front door.

  “Yuh-Yuh!” Gracie yelled as soon as the front door closed.

  “He’ll be right back, baby girl,” I assured her, still in awe that she called him by name.

  A few seconds later, Joshua walked through the door, holding the largest teddy bear I had possibly ever seen.

  The squeal that came from Gracie was almost deafening. We both began to laugh as she lunged herself off the sofa and ran over to Joshua as fast as her little legs would take her.

  Joshua got down on the floor, causing the bear to tower over him as Gracie tackled the stuffed animal and lunged into it, squeezing it tight.

  “You didn’t have to do that.” I shook my head and walked closer to the trio in the living room floor.

  “I figured it would make her feel better.” He gave me that heart stopping grin as he stood to his feet.

  “I think you might be right.” We both stared at Gracie who was showering her new friend with kisses and then attempting to drag it to the sofa with her.

  “Here, let me help you,” Joshua offered, pulling the bear along the floor with Gracie walking in step with him.

  He placed the bear on the sofa and Gracie climbed up next to it, resting her head against the soft plush.

  “Yuh-Yuh,” Gracie mumbled and curled her fingers in a motion, urging Joshua to come to her.

  Joshua gave me a smile before he sat down on the sofa next to Gracie. She placed the remote in his hand, and he began to laugh.

  “Channel 66.” I giggled and watched as Joshua turned the TV to the toddler channel.

  I listened as an animated pig began to sing, causing Gracie to sing along.

  I watched the two of them stare at the television screen and then turned my attention to the delicious lunch that was waiting for us. I began to make plates and set up Gracie’s high chair when I got a little overwhelmed at the scene playing out in my living room.

  It all seemed a little too perfect. Too good to be true.

  “I’VE HAD A really good day,” I confessed, once Gracie was asleep in her crib, as I sat down on the sofa next to Joshua.

  It was odd how comfortable I felt in his presence. It soothed me, which was so unusual. Sure, he still made me nervous, but it was always a good type of nervous. The butterflies flailing around in my stomach type of good.

  “It’s been nice. Thanks for letting me spend the day with y’all.” He draped his arm over my shoulder as I nuzzled into his side.

  “I’m glad you’re here,” I admitted.

  “Can I be honest about something, though?” I sat up straight, and he turned toward me, giving me his full attention.

  “Of course.” He smiled, and I almost forgot what I was going to say when I couldn’t help but focus on that little dimple on his cheek. His five o’clock shadow had started to appear, but that dimple was on full display as he stared at me.

  “I’m really nervous about having dinner with your aunt and uncle.” I had to be honest with him about my fears. I could only imagine they wanted the best for their nephew and worried they wouldn’t think that I was it.

  “You really shouldn’t be, trust me.” He tried to reassure me, but it wasn’t really working.

  I hated that I doubted my own worth.

  “I know you say that, but it’s hard for me. I’m damaged goods, ya know?”

  “Don’t say that.” He shook his head and scooted closer to me.

  I didn’t want this to be a pity party session, but I couldn’t deny the way I felt.

  “Do you realize how strong and brave you are? How much it took for you to escape and make a new life for you and that little girl?” He nudged his head toward Gracie’s bedroom.

  “I did what I had to do.” I shrugged my shoulders.

  “But not everyone is brave enough to do what you did. Not everyone puts their children above anything else, no matter how hard the unknown is,” he said very matter-of-fact.

  “Maybe,” I conceded.

  “Can I tell you something?” he asked, and I forced my downcast eyes to meet his gaze. I nodded my answer.

  “You know that my aunt and uncle raised me. But I haven’t told you the reason.” He cleared his throat and swallowed before continuing. There was a flicker of pain in his eyes, but it was fleeting.

  “My mother...she was in an abusive relationship, also. But the difference was, she didn’t choose me. She chose him. She loved him even though he beat her on a regular basis. She chose him even when he refused to allow me to eat. She stood by him when he threw me down a flight of stairs and broke my leg.”

  Pain. It was written all over his face.

  “Joshua, I’m so sorry.” I gripped his forearms with my hands, and then ran my fingers up and down his arm, hoping to comfort him.

  “It was a long time ago, I was just a kid. I got over it.” I wasn’t so sure about this part of his statement.

  “After my trip to the hospital, where she had me convince the doctors I’d fallen out of a tree, she took me straight to Jack and Kate’s. She left me there and never came back.”

  “That’s horrible.” My voice was soft, but my mind was racing. How could a woman do that to her child?

  “You’re right, it is. Don’t get me wrong, her leaving me that day was the best thing. She wasn’t going to leave him, I wasn’t her first priority; so giving me up was the only way I could live a decent life.”

  “Yeah,” I mumbled through the lump in my throat, wiping the tears that continued to fall fro
m my eyes.

  “But see, that’s the difference. You’re a good mom, and you put your daughter first. You took her, and you ran. You were determined to give her a better life, no matter how hard it was or how complicated it was going to be. I know it was scary, but you did it. For her. And that’s amazing. And that’s what you need to see about yourself. You’re not damaged goods, Ryan. You’re a strong woman who fought to keep her daughter safe, and that’s what matters.”

  I nodded my head, unable to speak.

  “I think you’re the only one who struggles to see you for who you are.” Joshua put his hand on the side of my face and ran his index finger down my cheek, onto the neck, then across my shoulder blade.

  “So, don’t think for a second that you’re not good enough.” He tilted his head down and pressed his lips to mine, comforting me with his touch.

  “Thank you,” I whispered when we parted.

  “Not to mention, my aunt and uncle are loving people. They’re kind and they don’t judge people, it’s kind of what they do.” He gave me a playful grin before kissing me briefly.

  “They seem really nice,” I admitted.

  “They are. And they’re going to love you—both of you.”

  The conversation had taken such a drastic turn, I completely forgot about being nervous around his family.

  “Did you ever see your mother again?” I couldn’t shake the story that he’d told me. I wanted to wrap him in my arms and take away the pain that this woman inflicted on her own child.

  “Nah, it’s probably for the best though. As a kid, it would have made it worse for me. And as a man, I don’t really respect her for what she did. I think my Aunt Kate sent her pictures of me as I was growing up, but she never responded. She had other priorities. My aunt and uncle gave me a good life, and I’ll always be grateful to them.” He smiled when he spoke of them. The pain that marred his face moments ago, completely gone.

  “Plus, everything happens for a reason, I believe that. So I would never wish my life was different. Ever.”

  “I admire the way you think.” I forced the tears to take a hike and not let my emotions get the best of me in this moment. Although, just thinking of the pain Joshua endured as a child almost caused me to sob.

  “I have my moments,” he joked and pressed his lips to mine once again.

  “LOOK AT YOU two!” Robin beamed and pulled Gracie and I into an embrace as we stood in the doorway of her office.

  “How are you?” I asked, as she loosened her grip and I glanced at my surroundings. Not much had changed since I left the shelter, other than the faces. Most of them were unfamiliar. It gave me mixed emotions. Happiness because that meant the women that were here with me, had moved on and gotten on their feet. Sad because there were even more women that needed help. More women that had been abused and didn’t have anywhere else to turn. It was heartbreaking, really.

  “Better now that I get to see this gorgeous little face.” She placed the palm of her perfectly manicured hand on Gracie’s cheek, who simply stared at her intently.

  “I’ve been meaning to get started earlier, I’ve just been so busy.” I wanted to kick myself for the lame excuse, although every word of it was true.

  “Honey, I know you have. And I am so proud of you,” she gushed, patting my shoulder. I gave her shy smile but wanted to brush away her praise.

  I noticed Gracie’s attention turned to the playroom that was within her line of sight. It had been quite a while since she’d been there. Since I got my promotion and knew I could afford daycare on my own. But I saw the recognition in her eyes and it made me smile. She associated this place with comfort and happiness, and for that I would always be grateful.

  “Do you want to go play for just a little bit?” I tried to get Gracie’s attention, but her eyes were fixed on the playroom.

  “I think that’s a yes, mama.” Robin chuckled as she began to lead us in that direction.

  “So, what would you like me to do today?” I asked a little nervous because this was my first time volunteering at the shelter.

  “Actually, we’re a little short-handed in the playroom, just for about an hour. Then I’d love it if you could help me make some calls to apartment communities. I’m working on an updated list that have immediate openings.” She stared down at the stack of files she had in her hand.

  “Absolutely.” I gave her a big smile as we made our way into the playroom. Gracie immediately wiggled her way out of my arms and began to trot to the kitchen set in the corner.

  “You’re a doll. I’ll leave you to it. This is Kelly.” She nodded to a blonde woman sitting in the floor, surrounded by three young toddlers, reading them a story. She glanced up and gave me a quick grin before returning her attention to the book, not skipping a beat as she continued her story.

  I began to clean up the reading nook on the far side of the room, organizing the picture books that were left in stacks on the floor, while Gracie came over and decided to be my little helper. It kept us busy for a few minutes until someone walking into the room caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. I glanced up and noticed her holding a little girl around Gracie’s age. I stood to my feet and felt compelled to walk closer. I recognized that look on her face. I knew it all too well.

  Fear.

  There was another woman standing beside her, speaking quietly, but from the look on her face, her words were falling on deaf ears. Part of me felt like I should stay out of it, it wasn’t my business. The other part of me felt as though it were my job.

  “Hi.” Making a conscious effort to speak softly. I didn’t know her exact situation or where she’d come from. But she was scared, that much was obvious. Her little girl clung to her, a similar look marred her innocent face.

  My heart was breaking.

  Her eyes got big, and she clutched her daughter against her.

  “Hi,” I repeated, stopping before getting too close. “My name is Ryan, I’m a volunteer here.” I looked at the little girl and gave her a little wave as Gracie stood next to me, wrapping her arms around my legs.

  “Mama. Mama,” she began to chant, tugging on my jeans.

  “Come here, sweet girl.” I pulled Gracie into my arms, as she sat comfortably on my hip. “This is my little girl, Gracie.” I pressed my head against hers.

  “Gay-cie!” Gracie squealed and began to clap. The scared little girl let out a tiny giggle and I watched as her mom’s shoulders relaxed, just a little of the tension leaving her body.

  “This is Emily,” the woman spoke, her words shaky. It was then that I noticed the faded bruise on her chin, along with a bluish-green tint that covered her neck. I wanted to hug her, reassure her that she’d made the right decision, beg her not to go back.

  But I knew better than to do any of those things.

  “Hi, Emily.” I gave her another wave and she met my greeting with a smile.

  “We have lots of toys here, she’s welcome to play if it’s okay.” When she remained perfectly still, I continued. “You’re safe here, I promise. No one can hurt you.” I allowed myself to reach out and touch her forearm gently. Her body became rigid and I pulled away.

  “You can stay too, if you want.” I offered, letting Gracie slide down my leg, ready to get back to her playtime.

  “Okay,” she spoke. She allowed Emily to climb down and who then followed behind Gracie to the kitchen area once again. Both of us walked behind our girls.

  “Do you want to sit down?” I offered and pointed to two chairs that were sitting in the corner, but still in view of the girls.

  “Thank you,” she said, following me to the chairs.

  “I know it’s a lot to take in, I understand, trust me.” I sat in the chair and watched as she took a seat beside me, her body stiff and reserved.

  “I just didn’t know where to go.” Her voice cracked, and I watched as she swiped away a tear that slid down her cheek.

  “I understand. Safe Haven is good place, with good people.” I trie
d to assure her.

  “Have you worked here a long time?” she asked.

  “Oh no, I just volunteer here. This is my first time volunteering, actually.” I smiled and she gave me a confused look.

  “I used to live here.”

  “Oh.” She looked at me, then forced her eyes to the ground, before jerking her attention back to her daughter who was still playing.

  “I came from a pretty scary situation, and everyone here helped me. This place saved my life, both of our lives.” I nodded toward Gracie. “I’m sure of it.”

  “He would have killed me,” she spoke softly as her tears began to fall.

  “You did the right thing.” I pulled her into an unexpected hug. Her rigid frame slumped into me and she allowed her emotions to take front and center.

  “It’s okay, it’s okay.” I tried to console her and patted her back gently.

  My next step came much more naturally than I expected. I prayed, silently.

  Lord, please give her strength. Guide her. Show her the way. Keep her safe. Help her to know she made the right decision. In Jesus name, Amen.

  My words weren’t eloquent or formal. I was learning that they didn’t need to be.

  He would hear me.

  He would help her.

  “SO, HOW’D IT go?” Joshua opened the car door for me as I parked my car. I knew he wanted to come over tonight, but I had no idea he would be waiting in his truck next to my designated parking spot. I looked up and had to smile at the anticipation that was covering his face. I loved the way he cared about my day-to-day life and he never tried to hide it.

  “It was so good,” I gushed. Standing to my feet, he immediately pulled me into his arms.

  “Mmmm,” he groaned, squeezing my tightly. “I missed you.” I inhaled the fresh scent of his cologne and body wash, it was obvious he had just showered, and I basked in the soothing smell of him.

  “I missed you too,” I replied, pressing my cheek into his chest. It had only been two days since we’d seen each other, but it felt like so much longer.