In His Eyes

by Nicole Hart

  “Yuh-Yuh!” I heard Gracie’s high-pitched voice squeal behind me and felt Joshua’s body shake with laughter.

  “You’ve been spotted,” I joked, as we pulled away from each other, turning our attention to the back seat of my car.

  Joshua swooped in and opened the back door trying to unbuckle Gracie’s car seat as she was determined to help him along, squirming and pulling at the straps, her body stiffening with impatience.

  “I’m trying, I’m trying.” Joshua chuckled as he loosened the straps before finally getting the latch unbuckled.

  I stared in awe at his easy-going attitude toward Gracie’s feisty determination. For just a quick moment, I compared him to Aaron. His gentleness compared to Aaron’s short temper. His laughter compared to Aaron’s venom that he spewed daily. But then I physically shook my head, determined to get rid of the memories that were threatening to flood my mind.

  Aaron couldn’t hold a candle to Joshua. And I wouldn’t allow his darkness to take up another minute of my time.

  “Yuh-Yuh!” Gracie repeated as Joshua scooped her into his arms, and threw her diaper bag over his shoulder, as if it were a completely natural and normal thing to do.

  Again. Awe.

  I grabbed my purse from the passenger seat and locked the car with the key fob before following Joshua’s lead to the front door.

  “I think it’s pretty cool that you’re giving your time there.” Joshua placed Gracie on the plush carpet and we both watched as she made a beeline to her bedroom.

  “Thanks.” I felt my cheeks blush and got annoyed with myself for a brief moment. I still wasn’t very good at taking any kind of compliment, but I was working on it.

  “I mean, at first, I kind of felt obligated to give back because everyone there helped me so much. But as soon as I got there, it felt...different.” I searched for the right words, while Joshua cocked his head to the side, waiting for more.

  “How so?” The way he tilted his head and gave me his full attention caused a huge grin to cover my face.

  “It didn’t feel like a job, or something I had to do. I was happy to be there. And I felt this yearning to help those women because I saw so much of myself in them. I felt like maybe, just maybe, I could make a difference and show them they did the right thing. I don’t know...maybe I didn’t really help as much as I hoped.” My own self-doubt decided to creep up as Joshua’s feet moved closer until we were toe-to-toe. He wrapped me in his arms, my feet lifting from the floor as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

  “I can guarantee you made a difference today, you’re too genuine not to. Trust me on this.” He pressed his lips firmly against mine before allowing me to slide down his body, my feet meeting the floor once again.

  “Oh my gosh.” My body suddenly became rigid when I remembered our plans for the evening.

  “What’s wrong?” He looked down at me, pulling my face upward with his index finger on my chin.

  “I forgot about tonight, I’m nervous.” I had such a busy day at the shelter, I didn’t have time to think about dinner with his aunt and uncle, which gave me no time to stew over our first meeting and allow my nerves to throw every worst-case scenario at me. But here we go.

  “There’s really no reason to be nervous, they’re going to love you,” he assured me, running his strong hands over my shoulders.

  “I’ve got to do something with myself.” I stared down at my jeans and sweatshirt, realizing I hadn’t even ransacked my closet yet to find the perfect outfit.

  “What do you mean? You look great.” He shook his head and laughed quietly.

  “No, Joshua. I have to make a good impression. I have to find something nice to wear. I have to change Gracie. Oh my gosh, she’s hardly had a nap, she’s going to be so fussy.” Panic started to rise in me and I began to shuffle my feet.

  “Okay, it’s fine. I promise.” I knew he was trying to be serious and supportive, but I could see the tiny grin that he was trying to stifle. I squinted my eyes up at him, almost feeling the need to challenge him. It was strange, I’d never been brave enough to stand up to anyone in my adult life.

  “Look, you go get ready. I’ll keep Gracie occupied while you do. Then I’ll help you get her ready, or I can do it while you’re getting ready. Whatever is easiest for you.” He smiled sweetly and kissed my forehead. I realized that my nerves were threatening to make a fool of me, and I made the decision not to allow that to happen. I could do this. I would feel better once I looked better, and I would just hope that Gracie behaved.

  This was important for Joshua, which meant it was important for me.

  Just breathe, Ryan. Just breathe.

  “Okay.” I smiled up at him and stood on my tip-toes, waiting for my kiss.

  “I THINK I’M going to throw up,” I mumbled. only half joking, I tried to force a smile as I looked over at Joshua.

  “Everything will be fine. Trust me,” he whispered, leaning over to plant a quick kiss on my lips before he opened the driver’s side door.

  I let out a shaky breath and tried to take a second to calm my nerves as Joshua got Gracie from the back seat.

  “I can do this. I can do this,” I mouthed to myself, before opening the passenger side door and flinging it open. I looked at the beautiful brick home in front of me. The lawn was still perfectly manicured and green, even for December. There was a tree next to the front door twinkling with soft white Christmas lights. I could see the lights from a huge tree in the window, and I made a mental note that it was time to get my own tree. I knew it wouldn’t be grand like the one in this home, but it would be ours.

  “Oohhhhh.” I heard Gracie’s voice behind me and I knew she had spotted the lights. Even at this age, she was fascinated with Christmas decorations. I was so thankful we would be able to enjoy this Christmas season, and there wasn’t anyone around to ruin it for us. Aaron had ruined most of the holidays during our marriage. He would start out drinking heavily to “celebrate,” but it always turned sour pretty quickly.

  “If you like this Gracie, just wait until we get inside. You’ll think Christmas exploded in there.” Joshua chuckled and shook his head.

  “I take it your aunt and uncle love the holiday.” I smiled.

  “That’s putting it mildly.” He laughed and shoved his key inside the front door, swinging it open.

  “Honey, I’m home!” he yelled, his voice echoing in the foyer. I looked around, and he wasn’t kidding. There were Christmas decorations everywhere. There were trees with white lights strung on them and vases with gold ornaments on the entry table. I could see into the living room where there were more lights and garland hung down the banister. Hues of gold and white were all around. It was beautiful and absolutely breathtaking.

  “Pitty,” Gracie whispered, telling me I wasn’t the only one admiring our surroundings.

  “It’s so pretty,” I replied to Gracie, looking at her in Joshua’s arms. Her eyes were lit up and she seemed utterly mesmerized.

  “Do you want me to take her?” I held my arms out but Joshua shook his head.

  “I got her.” He smiled at Gracie who seemed to be perfectly content.

  “There’s my boy!” Kate beamed as she walked into the foyer, her arms outstretched.

  “Food smells great.” Joshua grinned and reciprocated the hug that she gave him. I thought maybe I should go ahead and take Gracie from him.

  “And here’s the cutie I’ve been so anxious to get my hands on!” She clapped her hands and gushed over Gracie. “You are just the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.” She touched Gracie’s cheek with her index finger before turning her attention to me, and then giving Joshua a quick look. He cleared his throat, realizing that was his cue.

  “Aunt Kate, this is Ryan.” He smiled as he watched his aunt make a beeline for me.

  “Oh, I’m so glad to finally get a chance to know you.” She pulled me into an unexpected embrace. “I’ve been telling my boy to bring you over since you first turned his head. I’m sorry I ke
ep missing you at church, it gets so busy sometime...” She began to apologize, and I knew I needed to stop her. I’d actually avoided too much contact with her at church; my nerves wouldn’t allow the interaction.

  “Oh no, it’s okay. I usually get Gracie right after service to get her home for a nap.” I felt a pang of guilt knowing I just lied to not only Joshua’s aunt, but the pastor’s wife.

  “Well that’s completely understandable.” She smiled, and peace washed over me. She exuded warmth and compassion.

  “Where’s Uncle Jack?” Joshua asked.

  “He’s supposed to be setting the table, but he’s awful quiet so I’m guessing he’s sampling the chocolate cake I just finished.” She rolled her eyes and turned her attention to the kitchen.

  “Jack!” she yelled, and we both laughed as she put her hand on her hip and stalked through the doorway.

  Joshua put his hand on the small of my back and led me into the kitchen. As we entered, I noticed the oversized Christmas décor in the center of the large oak table. I looked on the far side of the kitchen and saw Pastor Jack chewing quickly and knew that Kate must have been right.

  “There’s my boy!” He grinned after a few seconds and gave Joshua a wave before grabbing a stack of plates from the counter.

  “Busted, huh?” Joshua laughed.

  “Every single time.” He shook his head and then looked in my direction.

  “Hey there, Ryan. We’re so glad you’re here.” He walked closer and stuck his hand out. I shook it gently and then, just like Kate, he turned his attention to Gracie.

  “Well, hello there, cutie!” He walked closer and held up his free hand, in which Gracie gave a high five.

  I smiled at their interaction before Kate spoke up.

  “Everything is ready, you guys can have a seat.” She smiled and walked toward Gracie.

  “Is it okay if I hold her? I brought the high chair in from the garage for her.” I looked over and noticed her thoughtful gesture but wondered why they had a high chair.

  “Sure.” I hoped that Gracie would allow it.

  “We’ve had lots of families visit through the years, we keep it on hand just in case.” She gave me a wink and Gracie went right to her, touching the tear-drop earrings that tangled from her lobes.

  “That makes sense.” I smiled, and Joshua led me to take my seat at the table.

  “Let’s pray first, and then I’m ready to dig in. I’m starving.” Jack rubbed his stomach as Kate shook her head with a smile.

  “I’M SORRY, ARE you sure you’ll be okay? I promise, we won’t be gone long.” Joshua’s concern was sweet. And I was a little nervous to be alone with his aunt, but one of the church members had a flat tire right down the road and they had called Jack. Of course, Joshua wasn’t going to let him go alone. I loved that about him. And deep down, I knew I would be fine. Kate had been so nice to me, I knew I shouldn’t be worried.

  “I’ll be fine,” I assured him.

  “You’re sure?” He pressed his hand on my waist and gave it a squeeze.

  “I’m sure, go.” I bit my bottom lip, trying to force myself from going in for a kiss, convinced that would be completely inappropriate with his aunt and uncle in the other room.

  But Joshua had other plans and pressed his lips to mine. I couldn’t help but tense up. I felt him shake with laughter, his mouth still against mine.

  “You’re so cute,” he whispered as he pulled away.

  “I’ll be back soon. Promise.” He kissed my forehead as Jack walked into the living room.

  “Okay.” I smiled and turned as Kate and Gracie came into the room. I was so happy that Gracie had taken to Kate, and it seemed that the feeling was mutual.

  We made our way into the formal living room and my eyes were fixed on yet another Christmas tree. This one was full of color, reds and greens with a train set circling around the base of it.

  I watched as Gracie wiggled from Kate’s arms with her eyes fixated on the moving train. Panic rose up inside of me, as she darted to the tree.

  “Gracie, no.” I met her at the tree and held her back.

  “She’s okay, really.” Kate laughed and knelt next to us.

  “I just don’t want her to break it,” I said, nervously.

  “It’s pretty sturdy. It was Joshua’s and it made it through his whole childhood. He was a tough little boy, so I think it will be fine,” she spoke with fondness.

  “Be easy, Gracie. Be easy,” I spoke sternly to my little girl, who was desperate to get her hands on that train.

  “Easy,” she repeated, petting the train like a baby animal. Kate and I began to giggle at her actions. Kate pulled a small basket of toys from behind the tree and sat them beside Gracie.

  “I wanted to make sure she had things to play with when you guys come over.” I looked in the basket and noticed the assortment of toys.

  “That’s very nice of you, thank you.” I was moved by her thoughtfulness.

  We moved to the plush white sofa as Gracie continued to play with the assortment of toys but continued to pet the train.

  “I’m really glad you came over. My boy is smitten,” she gushed, giving my knee a quick pat.

  “That makes two of us,” I confessed.

  “I’m thankful he found you. I’ve always worried about him.” She let out a deep sigh.

  “Why is that?” I was waiting for some earth-shattering news that would change everything in an instant.

  “Well, he’s got so much love to give. And when he loves, it’s with his whole heart. But he’s always had a little bit of a wall up when it came to his relationships.”

  I was a little surprised by her words, Joshua seemed like an open book with me with no sign of any walls.

  “That is, until you came along.” She looked over and gave me a smile. “He talks about you all the time, what a good woman you are, that he admires what a good mom you are.”

  “Really?” I couldn’t help but smile.

  “Oh yes, you two are very blessed to have found each other.”

  “Thank you.” I smiled and didn’t allow my feelings of unworthiness to overtake me.

  “And I can tell you are a good mama. I commend you for that.” She glanced at Gracie who had decided to lay down on the floor and watch the train.

  “I try.” I lowered my head sheepishly, still finding it hard to take compliments.

  “Joshua told me he spoke to you about his childhood and when he came to us.”

  “He did.” I pressed my hands on my knees, trying to keep them from bouncing around.

  “Many years ago, I found out I couldn’t have children. I was so angry. Angry at God. Angry at myself. Angry at Jack for standing by me through it all.” She shook her head as I shifted in her direction.

  “And then my sister had Joshua, and that made me angry at her. Through the years I watched her make a mess of things and begged her to come live with us. I wanted to make sure Joshua was safe and taken care of. But she wouldn’t have any part of it. Then when she dropped him off at our doorstep, I knew the reason I never had my own children. I was meant to have Joshua. He needed us and our full attention. I thank God every day for that.”

  “He was so lucky to have you both.” My lips quivered as a tear ran down my cheek.

  “Oh, we’re the blessed ones. I might not have given birth to him, but he’s my son in every way. He has turned into such a good man, and we are so proud of who he is.”

  “He is a good one,” I agreed.

  “I think you two are good together. I see the way you look at each other. You, my dear, are an answered prayer.” She gave me a smile, the fine wrinkles around her lips making an appearance.

  “I...” I didn’t think she knew my whole story, and I worried she might feel differently if she did.

  “Ryan, honey, listen. Joshua told me a little about what you’ve been through, and I think you’re amazing. I also think you’re exactly what our boy needs. I think you two need each other. God is pretty smart
, He knows what He’s doing,” she assured me, causing part of me wanted to break down and cry.

  Not tears of pain or worry. But tears of thankfulness. And gratefulness. And hope.

  I noticed Gracie out of the corner of my eye, stand to her feet and shuffle toward me. She rubbed her fist over her sleepy eyes and she crawled into my lap, snuggling against me with a yawn.

  “And not only did God bring you into Joshua’s life, and ours, he brought this little angel.” She patted Gracie’s back and I felt the tears well up in my eyes.

  “We welcome both of you with open arms.” She smiled and leaned in, giving both of us a hug.

  “Thank you,” I mumbled, trying my best to keep the tears at bay.

  THE THUNDER CRASHING in the distance caused my bed to shake, lighting illuminating my bedroom.

  “I’ve been waiting for you.” Aaron’s deep voice echoed in the room, fear coursing through my veins as my eyes were drawn to the sound.

  “How did you get in here?” I pulled the blanket over my body, folding my legs to my chest, preparing myself for the imminent blows my body was about to take as he closed both of his hands into fists.

  “Gracie,” I cried out when I noticed her stirring on the floor beside him.

  His evil laugh echoed in the room as the lighting focused on his face. The deep veins throbbing in his neck as he swallowed, standing to his feet, stalking toward me.

  “No, no, no, no,” I muttered, sliding off the bed, hoping to draw him further away from Gracie.

  I had to get to her.

  We had to get away from here.

  Escape.

  Escape.

  Escape.

  “Did you think you could run from me forever?” His maniacal laughter filled the room and my senses.

  My eyes darted in all different directions searching for some type of weapon, something to keep him away from us.

  “Mamamamama!” Gracie yelled, holding the teddy bear that Joshua got her.

  Joshua.

  Joshua.

  Joshua.

  The sound of her voice drew Aaron’s attention to her frame, sitting still on the floor.