Be With You

by Candy J. Starr

  I wondered how Ruby was getting on in her new apartment. A thousand times a day I got out my phone to call her or text her or do anything to just hear from her but I wanted to put that ball in her court. We were in the same city. We could meet up any time but we hadn't. Why hadn't she gotten in touch?

  She’d called a couple of times but I’d been in the studio and hadn’t heard the phone. She’d left a couple of messages but then she’d stopped.

  Maybe, once she tasted freedom, she'd forget me. She'd meet some super nerdy guy at that company who would win her heart with his love of techie stuff. Maybe not even a nerdy guy. That CEO guy had been pretty hot for a nerd. Isn't that what women wanted? A super-hot billionaire techie guy who owned his own start-up company? It wasn't like I read those kinds of books but I'd heard about them. And what did I have to offer her? I was just a washed up rock star living off former glory. That would get tired fast.

  I had to ring her. I had to make sure she was still mine. But I couldn't. If I did that, I'd look needy and desperate. I couldn't let her know the insecurities I nursed in my brain.

  It was too late at night. If she was asleep, she'd be super angry if I woke her and if she was awake she'd be working. Surely I could go a few days without hearing her voice. It made me wonder if all that stuff she said was just a way to ease herself out of my life. Maybe she was gone forever.

  Screw it all, I needed that whiskey.

  I turned on the stereo so that music filled the house, making it seem less empty, and stumbled downstairs where the whiskey was kept. Looking for a glass in the cupboard reminded me of that first night with Ruby. I'd been half drunk and had forgotten I'd even hired a housekeeper. I thought she was some fiery spirit conjured up from hell. That made me chuckle to myself even though my heart became heavy.

  I'd been such a mess. I’d hated the world. I'd have been happy to drink myself to a slow death. I couldn't even imagine having anything to live for. But, gradually, Ruby had brought me back to life. I hadn't exactly been a saint in my younger days. I'd had women aplenty, but I'd never felt anything for them. Not like the way I felt about Ruby. She'd become my reason for living, for getting out of bed in the morning, for working.

  Hell, it wasn't like she was gone forever. She'd be back. She had to come back. She'd left stuff behind.

  I poured a decent half-glass then settled in the recliner to sip it. I didn't turn on the TV but moved the chair to face the window. A few lights moved across the water, boats going somewhere. Maybe fishermen. I toasted to them. In the distance, the lighthouse flashed.

  I didn't look at the empty recliner beside me. We'd been happy in this house for the short time since it'd been finished. Or had we?

  Considering the trauma Ruby had been through, she seemed to bounce back a bit too quickly. She'd been trying so hard until that day she'd met with the tech company. After the way she'd fallen apart and then things she'd told me, I thought that would be the end of the story. Then she'd changed her mind and gone to work with them. I didn't understand it. She kept pushing herself to be strong but it felt like she was pushing me away.

  If anyone there hurt one hair on her head, I'd smash some nerd boy arse.

  The warmth of the whiskey flowed through my body. There wasn't much going on outside but the trail of moonlight on the water calmed me. The whiskey calmed me too. I brought the glass to my lips but it was empty. How did that happen? I got up to change the CD and pour myself another glass. I filled it to the rim this time.

  If I couldn't ring Ruby then I could ring someone else. Then I realised, who? It wasn't like I could ring Brownie or Devon. Both those guys were icy cold with me. And I didn't want Devon knowing Ruby had moved out. He'd sure as hell make a move on her and I wanted to spare her that. Even a blind man could see the way Devon looked at her. But she'd never fall for Devon.

  And I couldn't think of a single other friend. No buddy I could phone to go out for drink with me. No one. Oh well, cheers to me. I guess years of living like a hermit did that to a guy.

  My glass was empty again. I got up and grabbed the bottle. That would simplify the whole process. I sat it beside my chair. This house was far too big. Maybe Ruby had been right to leave. I wondered if, even though we'd rebuilt the whole place, there was still something lurking. An infinite sadness that had crept into the house to the very foundations.

  Hell, I'd drunk too much. I was getting maudlin. It was just a house. Sure, it'd seen tragedy but that was the old house. Wasn't fire supposed to cleanse?

  I grabbed the whiskey bottle, necking it. No point going to bed sober. I'd worked myself into a real state. I'd just keep drinking and sleep in the recliner.

  I managed to get the lid back on the bottle before I fell asleep, hugging the whiskey bottle to my chest.

  A noise woke me up. I'm sure it was a noise, coming from somewhere in the house.

  "Ruby?"

  There was no answer. Surely, it was no one else. Only Ruby had a key to the house. If someone had smashed their way in, I'd have heard them.

  "Ruby?" I called again, in case she hadn't heard me.

  I kept hold of the whiskey bottle just in case it was an intruder. A shiver ran down my spine when I heard the noise again. It was coming from upstairs. I had the air conditioning turned up way too high. That's what I told myself.

  When I got upstairs, I couldn't hear a thing. The CD had long since finished and turned itself off. Maybe something had fallen over in the bedroom. Memories of other whiskey-blurred nights with noises coming from that room came back to me. Maybe I'd see her?

  I heard a thud from the end of the hallway. I walked down to the end room. The room that had been Julie's. When we'd redone the house, I'd not been sure what to do with that room. I sure as hell hadn't wanted to turn it into a shrine to her but it'd seemed a bit cold just to turn it into a guest room. The room stayed empty.

  I opened the door knob and walked in. For a moment, I thought I could smell the perfume Julie always wore. It was a heavy, musky scent and, if you ever hugged her, it'd cling to your clothes all day. That's how I found out the first time she had sex. The scum bag had tried to deny it but I could smell that perfume on him. Five minutes later, you could just smell fear and the blood from his busted lip. That guy had not been good enough for my sister. No one had been, not even Devon.

  "Julie?" I called out. Then I felt stupid. It was the whiskey playing tricks on me. Julie wasn't here. She never would be.

  It was always like this. The traces of her taunting me. Either the whiskey sent me a bit nuts or she was teasing me, taunting me with her tricks so that I'd know she'd never really left the house.

  I wiped the sweat from my forehead. Of course, it was just the whiskey. That's all it could be.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN - RUBY

  We'd never had a date. Not a real date. We'd had some weird, screwed up date-like situations but I wanted to wear a sexy dress and look nice for him. Something to tide us over until he got back. I felt stupidly nervous getting ready for dinner. I hadn't seen him in so long, almost a week, my heart jumped around like a crazy thing.

  I'd lost count of the number of times each day my fingers twitched to message Tex. Just to say hello and check how he was getting on. It killed me to live without him. I'd be in the middle of work and think of something I wanted to tell him. Or I'd order extra food then have to eat his share.

  Had I made a huge mistake? I could back out. I could run back to Tex.

  But I didn't. I couldn't. If I heard his voice or even read his words, I didn't know that I could stay away from him. Sometimes moving out seemed like a stupid, self-imposed punishment but then I thought of how Tex had been going to cancel all his shows to be with me and how much damage that would do to his career. If Tex went on tour without the whole mess of emotion weighing him down, maybe the relationships within the band would start to repair. I had to think of that.

  I'd created a wedge in the band. Even though Hannah didn't say anything, I could read it in her eye
s. Lizzie sure hadn't held back either. Tex might say now that he didn't care, that he wanted to break the band up, but one day he'd resent me for that. If they did break up, that had to come from them. I didn't want to be the cause.

  I'd forced myself to go a week. I could live a week without Tex. One week out of eternity was nothing. We could live with that gap in our lives, so I thought.

  It was the hardest week of my life. I ended up buying a padlocked box and putting my phone in it so I wasn't tempted. Then I froze the lock in a block of ice. Even then, the temptation to thaw that ice ran deep.

  The only relief I had all week was throwing myself into my work. And, boy, there was enough of that to keep me busy. Alex Feng was planning on getting his money's worth with me. It was a lot of money he'd dumped on getting me to work for him. The apartment was really fancy. I had super-fast internet and a well-fitted-out kitchen. The whole place was gleaming white with turquoise blue bits. My absolute favourite turquoise bit was the ergonomic chair that seemed to caress my butt into a heavenly bliss while I worked. I could almost marry that chair it was so exquisite to sit on. Maybe, if I combined the best parts of that chair with the best parts of Tex, it'd be the perfect man. With pizza thrown in somehow.

  The other advantage of the apartment was the cafe on the ground floor. I could run down for food and bring it back to my room. I didn't ever need to cook or make coffee. I could even phone down my order then pop to the back door to pick it up. Well I could until I froze my phone in that block of ice.

  The project I worked on was super confidential. I wasn't even sure how the whole thing hung together. I just had to focus on the bit they gave me and meet my deadlines. Alex had told me I had access to the co-working space any time I needed but I was happy in my little box. It was quiet and free of distractions.

  Ha. Free of distractions except the whole messaging Tex one. Which had been the biggest distraction of all. But I'd survived the exile. I'd proved to myself that I could do it and my reward was a super special date night.

  Well, when I'd thought about wearing a sexy dress on our date, I'd not considered my wardrobe. I had nothing that looked right. Maybe, after this break, he'd wonder what he ever saw in me. Every time I put on an outfit, I second guessed myself and threw it off, onto the bed. The Ruby that was in my head in those sexy dresses was nothing like the Ruby in the mirror. I was not a sexy dress person.

  To make it worse, I'd figured we'd go somewhere casual and fun but then Tex told me he'd booked a private room at a fancy restaurant. He'd thought I'd feel more comfortable being somewhere private. Which would be right if it wasn't a place so fancy, I'd be constantly freaking out about my table manners and all manner of shit – which fork to use, what to order.

  I put the green dress back on. It was the best of a bad bunch. The colour was a bit too bright and I didn't want to call attention to myself but I thought it looked good with my hair and it made my skin look great. A couple of the other choices made me look ill. Well, all the other choices. I had three dresses in total. Guess you can't wear jeans to a fancy place. At least the green dress hung nicely, although it did make me look a bit too booby. Looking booby might be a good thing though.

  Then I had to do my hair which was a big, frizzy mess. If I had any sense, I'd get it all cut off short so it was easier to deal with but I hated going to the hairdresser and making all that small talk. For half a second, I considered grabbing the scissors and hacking it off myself but that had maximum disaster potential. Instead, I gathered it all up on top of my head and thrust a few pins in it so it looked like a purposely messy bun.

  Finally, I looked passable but Tex still hadn't arrived. I paced my apartment which was some pretty quick pacing since it wasn't a huge apartment. Then I checked my phone. No call. Nothing to say he'd be running late. Well, technically he wasn't late. But he would be in five minutes. I flung myself on the white couch and rested on the turquoise throw cushions.

  I needed something to take the nerves off. What did he even look like? It seemed like so long since I'd last seen him that I'd surely forgotten. I could go online and check.

  Even though he probably wouldn't come in when he arrived, I tidied up. The mess of printouts on my desk couldn't be moved but I threw the coffee cups in the rubbish and put the dirty dishes in the sink. I guess I should've thought about washing them before I got all fancied up. I hung the reject dresses in the wardrobe. Then I checked myself in the mirror again, wondering if the green dress really was the best choice.

  He was almost officially late. I chewed at my nail. Shit, my nails looked horrible. Did I have time to whack on a coat of nail polish? Did I even own nail polish? If I put it on now, it'd end up smeared all over my dress and ruining it. That was exactly the reason I never wore nail polish.

  I walked to the door to peek through the spy-hole but maybe that was being a bit too anxious. As I bent down to look, the bell rang. I jumped backwards, almost falling over.

  When I opened the door, I couldn't breathe. Tex stood there with a huge bunch of flowers in his hand. He looked incredible. Then he rushed forward, flinging one arm around me and crushing those flowers. My brain stopped working for a moment as I relaxed, so happy to be with him. Nothing felt so right to me as being in Tex's arms.

  "Shit, Ruby, I haven't wrecked your dress, have I?" he said as he pulled back. The flowers had mushed into me but hadn't stained. I took them off him and put them in the sink with some water Then I stood awkwardly, not sure what to say to him.

  "Wow, you look fantastic. I've missed you. We can skip dinner if you like." He swept me into his arms again and nodded toward the bed.

  "But I'm starving." I laughed. Nothing had changed between us. Of course I remembered what he looked like.

  When we got to the restaurant, we got shown through to our table. When Tex said we had a private room, I'd been expecting something dark and cave-like at the back but instead they took us up to the rooftop to a gazebo covered in gauzy netting. A soft breeze fluttered through the fabric. Candles flickered on the table, encased in glass. I was really glad that they had that covering over them because otherwise it'd be a real fire risk with that fabric blowing around. The waiter pulled out my chair for me and, when I sat down, I could see the sun setting over the city. The sky looked magical, like the sunset had been created just for us, as a backdrop for our special dinner.

  Tex grinned at me.

  "Do you like it?" he asked.

  "This place is amazing."

  “We’re sitting among the stars,” he said.

  I looked up. “There are no stars yet.”

  “They’re there, Ruby. Even if you can’t see them, they’re still there.” I thought he was going to say more but he stopped himself and leafed through the menu instead.

  I picked up my menu but didn't understand half the stuff on it. It was like it was written in another language.

  "Maybe you should order for me," I said. "I don't know what half this stuff is."

  Tex laughed. "We're screwed then because I don't know either. I guess we could ask the waiter."

  I whipped out my phone and started Googling. I didn't want the waiter hovering over us while he explained the entire menu. That would be really uncomfortable. I didn't mind that much what we ate anyway. So long as it wasn't offal. What was French for offal?

  "The steak with that fancy sauce sounds good," Tex said. "And definitely some booze."

  "No booze for me. Not with my meds, remember."

  Tex nodded.

  After the initial excitement of seeing him wore off, I'd noticed he looked a little pale and drawn. I worried that he wasn't looking after himself properly. I would hate to see him start drinking again. He'd probably just been pushing himself too hard in rehearsal.

  "Are you eating properly?" I asked. "There are a stack of meals in the freezer. You just need to heat them up. You can't live on junk food, you know."

  Tex laughed. "Says you."

  "Says me."

  I crossed
my arms and shot him a mock-stern look. My stomach rumbled as if to punctuate my words. I wished the waiter would come back and take our order. Starving to death wasn't in my plans for the night. I was going to get some of that tasty lobster into my belly.

  "So, how are plans going for the tour?" I asked.

  Tex twirled the edge of the napkin around his finger. He seemed edgy and I wondered if I shouldn't ask about the tour.

  "Things aren't great. Devon is letting us down. He can't pick up the new songs. Won't put in time outside of rehearsal trying to learn them. I don't know what to do with him."

  I nodded. The same old issues. I wondered if they'd ever sort things out completely but doubted it. Tex would never get over losing his sister. He'd never stop blaming Devon for that. Other than that, I wasn't sure if Devon was really a shit bass player or if it was just Tex bitching. I didn't know enough about music to judge but I figured they'd have never got as far as they had if Devon was really crap. Tex could be a real perfectionist when it came to his music.

  "How about you?" he asked. "How's work?"

  "Busy. So busy but it's exhilarating. This project is super challenging." I started telling him about the more technical aspects of the project but noticed he suddenly studied the information on the back of the menu. "Oh, sorry if this is too high tech for you."

  "Is not. I understand tech stuff just fine."

  "Yeah, right." I laughed. Tex understood music tech. Anything else and he was like an old lady. One of those old ladies who fell for Nigerian email scams. He was slack about even answering his phone.

  "Have you met with that guy again?"

  I shook my head. I'd been in total isolation since I'd started work, only communicating by email. I didn't want to say anything to Tex but I'd actually received a weird mail that morning. So far, everything about my work had been totally positive. I'd uploaded some code last night that had worked perfectly. The mail had asked me to phone in if I had any problems understanding the project spec. I understood the spec and my code had worked. I went back in to check it and, when I ran it, got a whole screen of errors. What the hell? They'd not been there the night before. I put it down to being overtired and not checking my work properly but there were whole sections of code missing. Then I checked it against the copy on my laptop. It wasn't the same. It wasn't even an older version that I'd accidentally uploaded. It was like someone had deleted lines from my code.