First Kiss (Heavy Influence)

by Frohoff, Ann Marie

  “Don’t!” I yelled, my heart pounding so hard I could feel it in my ears. “Don’t answer her,” I said facing Aly. “I need you to go home, please.”

  My eyes pleaded with her.

  “Aly,” my mother tried to regain her attention and I wedged in once more.

  “This is none of your business!” I yelled louder, moving closer to her face.

  Daggers flew out of my mother’s eyes. “This is my business.” She said waving the papers in my face. “How dare you!”

  Slap.

  I was shocked into submission. We all stood there, silent. I tried to grapple with the fact that my mom just hit me. She’d never laid one hand on me in my entire life.

  “Aly, please, go home,” I said, calmly. My eyes were locked to my mother’s. She was as angry as I’d ever seen. Her chest rose and fell rapidly as her eyes darted between Aly and me.

  “Aly, I need you…”

  “No, you don’t need anything from her.” I said once again, more firmly.

  We were at a standoff. The air was so thick with tension we all stood paralyzed by it. My mind scattered in a million different directions. I quickly moved to Aly and grabbed her hand, dragging her through the foyer and out the front door. I was surprised Kate didn’t shout out or come after us.

  “Oh my God, Jake.” Aly sighed, desperate. “What’s gonna happen?”

  “Don’t worry about it,” I reassured her taking her face in my hands and planting a hard kiss on her lips. “I don’t know when I’m going to call you. She’ll probably turn my phone off.”

  I stood watching Aly run across the lawn and I wanted to take off after her and keep running. Turning to walk back into the house, I caught my mother’s image in the window. There was no doubt she saw our whole exchange. Sure enough, as soon as I closed the door, she was standing right there following me back into the living room.

  “You leave me no choice, Jake.” She stood shaking her head with her shoulders slumped.

  “No choice for what, mom?” I said smartly. “All you do is poke your nose in shit that has nothing to do with you. I’ll pay for the goddamn bill, alright? Now just drop it.”

  She took a step back and her stature hardened.

  “If you ever,” she paused and her voice trembled, “ever raise your voice at me like that again and blatantly show disrespect. You can move out of this house and forget any further support. I’ve had it with you.” She pointed angrily at me.

  The weight of her words sat heavy on my shoulders. She was right. I knew I was out of line. I shouldn’t have reacted that way, but I couldn’t help myself.

  “I’m sorry. You’re right. Look, I know I have some things to work on and I’ll sell something to pay for the bill…”

  “Something that I paid for!” she yelled. “You don’t get it do you?…”

  “No, I don’t get it!” I raise my voice again, but caught myself. “What? You think what I’m doing here isn’t work? That I don’t deserve what you’ve given me? All I do all day long is work for my future and by the way, I am making money, if you’ve forgotten. My music, my money.” I was so angry I had to remind myself to breathe and to try and remain calm. “You know, I never asked for you to turn this into a business. If I knew one day you’d throw this shit in my face…” I stopped mid sentence, not wanting to say anything worse than I already had. I buried my head in my hand while my broken one ached. “Look, I’ll pay for the bill,” I said, defeated. “Please, can you just drop it?”

  She searched my face and sadness painted hers. “Jake, you asked if I believed in you after your father passed away. You asked me if I would keep supporting you in your music, this isn’t just about the money.” She lingered in front of me, finally sitting down on the sofa grabbing the pillow next to her.

  I sighed deeply. “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry. I really am.”

  She looked bewildered and this pulled at me. I fought the guilt that crept in, reminding myself that while she was right about a few things, she had no business butting in my relationship with Aly.

  She must have read my mind.

  “I thought the whole thing with Aly was cute in the beginning. I thought she just had a little crush on you. Then all the antics started, and bad choices. You telling me you’re in love with her?” she spoke slowly and pulled at the corners of the pillow that sat in her lap. “The unrest with the band, now Mike’s gone and now staying in hotels with Aly, it’s just too much. She’s too young for you.”

  “Mom, she didn’t stay with me at the hotel.” I lied before I realized it. Without another word, she rose walking toward the front door. “Where are you going?” My heart raced. Fuck, I thought. “Alright, stop!” I shouted, but she didn’t stop. “Mom, alright, she stayed with me.” I admitted standing, quickly running toward the door.

  She slammed the door shut.

  I was frozen for a moment, picturing her telling Aly’s parents everything. I ran out the front door and she was already half way across the front lawn.

  “What are you doing?” I said running in front of her stopping her in her tracks. She attempted to move around me.

  “Jake, I want to talk to Aly…”

  I grabbed her arm tightly, desperate to stop her. “No, you’re not gonna to talk to her,” I said firmly.

  She gasped. “Let go of me, Jake.” Jerking her arm away, she pushed past me. “We’re all gonna have a little talk.”

  “No,” I said loudly, “Stop!”

  Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would have done what I did. Grabbing my mother, I clumsily picked up her small frame, with my hand now throbbing beneath my cast, and threw her over my shoulder. She yelped, kicked and screamed, pounding at my back for me to put her down.

  I was completely blind with emotion. “Mom, you have to listen to me!” I pleaded, huffing with each step. “Don’t do this, please. This has nothing to do with her.”

  “It most definitely does if you’re acting this way! Put me down!” She insisted, breathless.

  Just as I released her onto the front porch, a hard yank pulled at my shoulder and I went flying and rolled down the steps.

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Notting yelled. Rage painted his face, “Have you lost your mind?”

  Stunned, I moved slowly. “Notting…”

  “Not another word! Get in the house.” He growled as he picked me up by my shirt neck, throwing me through the front door. “I’ve had enough of this bullshit, Jake.”

  Feeling a tickle at my elbow, I rubbed at it. It was bleeding from my fall. “My elbow’s cut.” I huffed, looking cross at Notting.

  “You deserve more than you got, boy, handling your mother like that!” He growled, pointing in my face. “Do you care to explain yourself?”

  My normally attentive and talkative mother just stood there glaring at me with her arms wrapped tightly around her. She obviously wasn’t going to get anything for my lacerated elbow, so I gently dabbed at it with the bottom of my faded black t-shirt. Notting hovered over me, pacing slowly. I sat there numb staring at his scuffed leather boots as they stepped back and forth in front of me.

  “Does it really matter what I have to say? No matter what it is, it’s not gonna matter,” I stated calmly, staring directly at my mother, then to Notting. “She doesn’t hear what I’m saying. That out there? Picking her up? It was because she wouldn’t take one moment to stop and listen. She doesn’t care that I want to have certain things private in my life…and…Aly isn’t allowed to officially date anyone right now…”

  “Well, there we go! It seems to us that you’ve thrown all caution to the wind and you don’t care about rules.” Notting cut in sharply, raising his voice with each word.

  “Just because I do things that don’t make sense to you, doesn’t necessarily mean they’re wrong. Aly and I are friends and we care about each other more than you know…well, maybe you do know.” I shook my head and glanced between the both of them, thinking about their
relationship and my blood simmered. “Look at you two, you have your own stuff you wanna hide,” I said condescendingly, unable to look them in the eyes after I said it. I knew I was pushing it. “She needs to leave Aly out of this, period.”

  “It’s apparent that you’re very serious about her if you’re risking so much.” Kate’s voice cracked, making me look up at her. She shook her head like it was a bad thing. “I had no idea it’s gone this far. Jake, how far has this gone?”

  Notting held up his hand. “Kate, darling, I don’t believe it’s gone that far, at least that’s my understanding.”

  Notting’s emphasis made my mother become more rigid. She hated being an outsider. My stomach grew tighter watching her glare at me with her mouth half open.

  “Mom, come on. I’m not some perv without self-control.” I half laughed, trying to cut through the tension, but she didn’t find any humor in it.

  Instead, she began to explain my inexcusable behavior with the hotel and Aly. Her words pressed into Notting’s brain, and his face grew somber as she spoke to the heavens and then to me – ‘I can’t believe I didn’t see it and I can’t believe you thought you couldn’t talk to me.’ I fought off the remorse. She always did this shit. She always pushed her way in, guilt trippin’ me.

  “Why do you always turn everything into being all about you?” I finally snapped. My mind was full of explanations, yet I couldn’t spit them out. I decided to be honest. “I wanted to talk to a guy, mom. There are things I’m just not comfortable talking about with you anymore; this whole thing is a perfect example as to why.” I held out my arms for emphasis. My voice grew louder. “You just had to go and talk to Aly, after I kept begging you not to. I’m sorry if hurt you, but you wouldn’t listen to me. You never listen. You never hear what I’m saying.”

  I couldn’t help but repeat myself over and over again, thinking maybe one time she would hear how important it was for me to have my privacy.

  “Jake, relax with that tone.” Notting rumbled. “Have some respect. I think we’ve both tolerated your choices; but now, spending the night with her? When she’s not supposed to be dating anyone at all? I’m certain this isn’t the first time you’ve stayed together.”

  My world came to a screeching halt when the conversation drifted to the suggestion that I not see Aly anymore. In fact, they agreed they couldn’t and wouldn’t condone me seeing her knowing she wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend.

  “Ok, Jake. I’m hearing you now. I’ve listened and I’m going to give you a chance to make this right. I won’t talk to Aly or her parents. I will trust that you will take care of this by putting this relationship on hold for a while.” My mother and Notting shook their head in agreement at each other, like they’d concurred world hunger or something. I was beyond any feelings I could describe. I just wanted to run to Aly.

  Sitting alone, wading through my thoughts. I finally realized it was nearly dark. I couldn’t remember the last words that were spoken to me. The room took on a grey haze that matched my mood.

  Fuck them, like they could keep us apart.

  45

  Jake

  The only sound in the house was a faint murmur from a TV, far off in my mother’s room. I didn’t even know if Notting was around anymore. How was I gonna explain to Aly what the hell had gone down. All I could picture was her beautiful pathetic face splashed with worry as my mother tried to lay into her, and it made my blood boil. Pulling my phone from my pocket I called her.

  “Hey.” I whispered.

  “Oh my God, I’m dying. What happened?”

  “Not good, Aly. Can you sneak over?” I paused. Bad idea, “You know, never mind.”

  “Why? I wanna see you.”

  I wanted her and I wanted my mom and Notting to fuck off. “There’s no easy way to say this. But they think we need to stop seeing each other.”

  After the initial tears on her part and long silences on both ends, we agreed it was ridiculous how they thought it was so easy for them to make that decision for us. I felt calm for the first time in hours.

  “I’d better go, it’s almost midnight.” She sighed deeply. “It’s hard to be excited about my first day of high school.”

  I wanted to tell her I loved her and that everything was going to be fine. “Aly, I, um,” I hesitated and chickened out telling her that I loved her. “This whole thing’ll blow over. Tomorrow’s gonna be fine. I’ll pick you up at Nicole’s instead. No one’s gonna find out. I’m just not gonna say another word about you to them.”

  I tossed and turned the entire night, lying there wondering how long my hand would be outta commission once I got the cast off. Finally I got up worrying it would never be the same and I would never be able to play again. Would that be such a bad thing? Was all of this even worth it? What was so bad being normal? Ordinary. As these thoughts swirled through my head, I didn’t realize I was awkwardly typing away at the keyboard. I was stoked that even with the throbbing in my hand I was able to type a bit.

  Tapping out lyrics to yet another song I had floating around in my head. Staring at my acoustic guitar, I longed to play it. It had been weeks. The longest I’d ever gone without touching it. Before I knew it was seven-thirty in the morning and I had the entire song written. The melody filled my head and I sent Bobby a text letting him know I needed him. I wanted to sing it to him and for him to play the music for me. I didn’t want to wait until I could bring it to life:

  - DUDE. I’LL NEED YOU AFTER SCHOOL. I WANT YOU TO BANG OUT SOME TUNES FOR ME. SO MAKE NO PLANS. PLZ.

  This was the first time I’d asked anyone else to help me with anything and it felt good. Bobby would be stoked. He’d always tried to put his two cents in and I wouldn’t allow it. Today, I would listen and consider it.

  - HELLZYEAH!

  - AWSOME! STOKED UR INTO IT. MOST DEF DIF. I’M SURE YOU’LL DIG. DUMP’LL SHIT HIMSELF THO. HA.

  - FUCK HIM.

  I laughed out loud at the irony of it all. Dump would most definitely die when he heard this new song and if he didn’t…he’d kill himself when he found out Bobby’s gay. Shaking my head, I wondered. Who have I become? Getting into the shower I felt relieved, slightly. I looked forward to after school and I was excited to see Aly in the next half hour. Holding my cast up over my head to avoid getting it wet, I sang out the new song feeling more alive and normal than I had in 12 hours:

  ORDINARY

  I taught myself to abide

  I learned enough to get by

  But I've been tried

  And I just got to get away

  I thought that I was alive

  I pinched myself when you arrived

  And I got high

  Off what had just come my way

  Now the hardest part for me

  Is deciding what this means

  Could everything just come undone

  Is everybody meant to be this sad and lonely

  What have I done

  Who have I become

  Is everybody chasing down stars and dreams too far to hold me

  What have you done

  You made me become

  Ordinary

  I found the road for my life

  I drove so fast, could've passed you by

  But you caught me

  The picture still is in my mind

  Now I'm walking down the street

  Instead of running down my knees

  Could everything just come undone

  Is everybody meant to be this sad and lonely

  What have I done

  Who have I become

  Is everybody

  Chasing down stars and dreams too far to hold me

  What have you done

  You made me become

  Ordinary

  Ordinary's good to me

  Ordinary let's me be

  More than enough is you and me

  Ordinary lets me be free

  ***

  Rolling into the school parking lot, it was full throttle
crazy. It was also apparent who a few of the Freshie’s were, with their new shoes and un-faded-freshly-pressed clothing. The ones with their parents dropping them off and causing a cluster fuck in the lot. Thank god there was a senior parking area. One by one I noticed the familiar faces as they looked into my cab staring at Aly in the front seat. Then I spotted Rachel and Sienna and my hands got moist. Rachel was the last person I wanted to see. I looked over at Aly for any sort of reaction. She didn’t seem to notice her, yet.

  “You ready?” I asked grabbing her hand squeezing it.

  “As ready as I’ll ever be.” She said flatly.

  “Come on biotch!” Nadine piped happily from the back seat. “Stick with me and you’ll be just fine.”

  Making our way through the throngs of stares onto campus, I didn’t know whether to put my arm around Aly or to just let her be. I never got the chance to make a decision before friends I hadn’t seen all summer barraged me. I’d lost sight of her for a moment and when we locked eyes she smiled and waved, giving me a reassuring head nod before she disappeared into the crowd. Aly would be ok with Nadine.

  I stood in line with all the other slackers who didn’t take the time to get their schedules before school, and of course, I had to pick the line that Mike was standing in and the one Rachel was working – she probably picked the “M” line on purpose. Her first period must be working in the admin office. Shit, just my luck, I thought. If I moved now it would be obvious. Mike already noticed me, leering in my direction. He kept glancing round, as if he was looking for someone. I knew that someone was Aly. Rachel was doing the same thing. They were so obvious. It was all so apparent to me now. This whole thing with Aly really rocked the boat and they fell out.