Finding My Reason

by Claudia Burgoa

  “You make it sound as if I party all the time.” I take a seat on the bench that faces the bay window and stare at the gorgeous view of the mountains. For all the places I’ve been, nothing compares to Colorado. “My oats aren’t as wild as you make it sound. Have I read the news? I am a journalist; it’s second nature to be checking them often. Yes, there’s always something happening. A war, an earthquake, a tsunami, car bombs...so much. But I can’t stop living my life. Staying won’t keep me safe either. How long will I be gone? This is a two-year contract; maybe they’ll extend me, or maybe I suck and they’ll fire me after my first trip.”

  “You don’t suck,” she reassures me with that big sister smile she gifts me each time I need comfort. “I’ve read your articles; there are a few framed pictures of yours around this house. What’s going on with the graphic design gigs?”

  “I’m designing too; that’s freelance and won’t pay much until I have a big portfolio,” I explain, relaxing my posture and tone. She’s on board now. “Look, this will be for only a couple of years. One day I’ll come back. Promise.”

  She crosses her arms, her eyebrow arches. My cousin is an avid organizer and loves to have timeframes and schedules. She requires a concrete answer. “Maybe when I’m thirty I’ll stop traveling. By then I might’ve seen the entire world and learn a few more languages. This time around, I won’t be gone for three years. Instead, I’ll come back every few months.”

  “Promise?”

  “Yes.” I stand and hug her.

  “Don’t tell anyone, but you’re my favorite cousin,” I confess. She snorts with laughter. Oh God, she’s crying. “But this has to be the last goodbye party you throw me.”

  “We’ll have plenty of things to celebrate when you visit or when you decide to move back,” she offers.

  “You and your husband have to stop looking for a reason to have a party and get drunk.”

  She rolls her eyes. “Leave my husband out of this. Now that we agree on something let’s head downstairs. Everyone is here to see you.”

  Mom chose me as her daughter and gifted me a big, loving and overwhelming family. Our family is very close, and we care for each other. Everybody’s business is our business. I expected them to chide me or reprimand me. Fortunately, after Claire’s speech, everyone wished me luck and made me promise to post pictures on Facebook. I fear this Facebook trend is here to stay. Dear Ben is adding the family to the social grid and teaching them how to use it. I wish Mom was as supportive as the rest. She said I’d understand her position once I become a mother. Maybe so, but for now, we’ll have to agree to disagree. Tomorrow I’m leaving for Vancouver, and after that, it’s up to my employer where I go. I’m looking forward to the first month because Ben is taking a couple of weeks off to join me.

  The only person who doesn’t know about my job is Hudson. Should I tell him? Friends share good news with each other. Except... Ever since I came back and found out about his girlfriend, nothing has been the same between us. Those nightly conversations are gone, our daily messages disappeared, and only the strained hellos remain our new constant. Yet, the magnetic pull between us stays in place. My skin zings with his casual touch. Like when his fingers caress mine as we pass Mike from my arms to his, or when he walks near me and his hand accidentally touches mine. But he has a girlfriend—a serious girlfriend from what she told me during Mike’s christening. Soon they’ll move in together, and who knows, maybe next year he’ll pop the question.

  Fuck, when did I become this sad character pining for a man? He’s just a friend, nothing major has happened between us. Nothing will. Should I text him? Why not? I can send him something casual, breezy.

  Me: Wanted to let you know I’m leaving town tomorrow.

  Nope, it’s missing something. I erase it and try again.

  Me: Hey, I’ve meant to tell you I have a job as a—

  I lift my chin, looking at the sky searching for the answer. But nothing appears. The blue sky adorned with fluffy clouds remind me of him, though. According to him, Colorado has more sunny days than any other state. Nine out of ten times the sun illuminates the blue sky.

  “Stay until next weekend and we can climb a Fourteener. You’ll be above the clouds,” a husky voice suggests as I lower my face I find his piercing eyes watching me. “Hey, stranger.”

  As his lips curve into a smile, my heartbeat speeds up. The awkwardness between us doesn’t change my physical reaction toward him. The sweaty hands, my body coming alive, the warmth rushing through my limbs and the butterflies fluttering inside my belly. Lord, I want his arms around me, enveloping me into a hug like the one we shared the day Mike was born. It felt like a welcome home. Is he my home? I hold my breath at the implication of that pure thought. For a second, I consider rejecting the job offer and stay.

  Stay and what, Jade? He has a girlfriend. Of course, all the bets are off with the reminder he’s taken.

  “Hey,” I respond, training my expression, controlling my body and suppressing the need for his touch. Being so close makes it impossible. Suddenly, my gaze diverts from his eyes and focuses on his lips; a reminder of the deep, desperate kiss we shared three years ago. The feel of our lips connecting, fusing, consuming my body as it seared my soul and branded my heart with his name. I’m screwed. My stomach drops as I imagine my soul crashing against the pavement once reality hits me. The air around me becomes heavy. I feel like I want to cry as a mass of feelings swirls inside my chest. Feelings I fear to identify. Hudson is here, and I want him, but if I was smart, I’d turn around and never look back. Can we continue our old relationship? Are we friends?

  “I hope we are,” he responds to my question.

  “Did I say that out loud?” He nods. I press my lips together, as I unscramble my thoughts. Oh my God, Jade, stop embarrassing yourself. Pull yourself together! You’re not twenty-three anymore. Be an adult. “Sorry, it’s been a couple of—”

  “Uncomfortable months?” I bob my head. “Some nights I ponder if we’ll ever get past the awkwardness. Between calls, emails, and texts, you became my best friend, Jade. For the past three years, I’ve told this cool girl everything about me. My dreams, my goals, my fears, my strengths, my weaknesses and the moment she’s back in town...poof.” His hands mimic some kind of explosion. “You disappear.”

  “No. I never disappeared. Our conversations became strained before I came back,” I remind him. “Because you had her.”

  Someone slap me. I sound like a jealous girlfriend.

  “No. Because I’ve been working my ass off, princess.” His voice is controlled, but his face turns red. “Having two jobs isn’t easy. I barely sleep, but I tried to throw you a line or two to remind you someone was thinking of you—always. Every second of the day you’re in my mind. Don’t you think I worry about your safety? Reading your responses is the only way I can breathe—at least for a few hours.”

  “You are with her,” I add, afraid of his response.

  “With fear of sounding like a jackass, you and I are only friends—for the moment.” His words feel like a slap, making me take a step back, gasping as I assimilate his words. Those pale greens soften, his jaw relaxes. His big hands swallow mine. He lifts them and kisses the back of one hand and then the other. “Should I apologize for being a weak man with needs, Jade? I’m sorry, but some days I feel lonely. My friend was thousands of miles away from me. I...am sorry.”

  I go back to those three words. For the moment. My jaw drops as I repeat them inside my head. “What does that mean? For the moment.”

  “While you’re away, there can’t be anything between us,” he explains, releasing my hands and shoving his own in his pockets. I understood. Hudson Drago isn’t perfect. His mother abandoned him at the age of seven, and he has a hard time trusting anyone with his heart. “But I want so much more than holding you in my arms for a few moments or a sharing a couple of burning kisses. I want a repeat of that night. Our night.”

  Me too.

  “What are
we doing? Or better yet, what are we going to do? Because I want so much more,” I say out loud, tired of hiding my feelings for him. In no way am I ready to shout that I love him because it doesn’t feel right. Not when I’m about to leave, again. But I have to know why he sounds like he’s declaring some undying love for me. Or if I’m making up a relationship inside my head.

  He runs his hand through his wavy hair, chuckling. “I’ve no fucking idea.” I study his profile, the way his jaw clenches and relaxes while he gathers his thoughts. “You’re leaving me again, Jade. Whatever I say is fruitless.”

  His features soften, his eyes locking with mine as he raises his arms, and his hands cup my face. Every nerve in my body awakens, each cell vibrates at his touch. “I wish you’d stay, beautiful. Life without you is boring. Seeing your face brightens my day—or my nights. Imagine how happy I’ll be if you’re with me.”

  “Give me a reason to stay,” I dare him, not knowing what to expect, but wanting him to say more than you’re cute, but you’re leaving.

  “No,” he whispers, brushing his lips against my ear, sending a delicious shiver down my spine. “You have to find the reason to stay. When you do, I’ll be here, waiting for you.”

  He leans in closer, I tilt my chin up waiting for an all-consuming kiss. The thumping of my heart numbs all thoughts, including what my family might think if they see me kissing Hudson. But as a light breeze hits our bodies, a waft of expensive perfume hits my nostrils, and I’m reminded he’s with someone else. I lift both arms, placing my hands on top of his hard chest pushing him away from me.

  “How dare you say all that shit to me when you have her?” I protest, my nostrils flaring and my heart breaking. “I’m not your side dish.”

  He scrubs his face with both hands. “She means nothing to me. But you’re not available either. What do you want me to do?”

  I laugh while my heart cries. He’s right, and I’m being ridiculous. This isn’t me. When did I become the other woman, or a weak girl who salivates for a man? “You’re right; I have no right. This isn’t fair for either one of us. Maybe if I ever come back we can find out what we mean to each other. But while we’re with other people, we don’t kiss, touch or do stupid things. Let’s respect each other and whomever we’re with.”

  “I’d never disrespect you, Jade. Yesterday. Yesterday I broke up with her.” His arms snake around my waist as he pulls me toward him. His mouth slants against mine. A flare of emotions hits me in the center of the chest as his lips melt every doubt I had about us. Throwing my arms around his neck and parting my lips, our kiss grows deeper, consuming. Wrapped around each other we forget about everything and everyone. What happens tomorrow is as irrelevant. All that matters is this moment when our souls bind to each other—and the promise he’ll wait until I’m ready to return.

  Chapter 14

  Hudson

  July 16th, 2006

  “What the fuck, Hudson?” Jenna’s shrilly voice comes to life as I check my voicemail. “I texted Adriana today to ask her if she wants to do something when I come to town next week and she tells me you broke up with her weeks ago. Because of her,” she accuses. She’s referring to Jade, of course.

  “She doesn’t walk on air, Hudson. She’s a drifter, and you don’t have a future together. Don’t get your hopes up over something that will never happen. You’ll end up like Pops, wishing Mom was back in his life.”

  She goes silent, and her voice comes back. “Adriana loves you, and you two are great together...Don’t make me the bad guy, Hud. I’m only trying to protect you from yourself.” With that, she hangs up.

  Me: Got your voicemail. Thank you for the advice. I’ll take it into consideration. See you over the weekend.

  To: H. Drago

  From: J. Vance

  September 22nd, 2006

  Subject: New apartment

  Hud, I got the pictures and even when you insist that it looks half done, I think it has potential. If you need a contractor, contact Ben. He knows everyone. And yes, I’d love to help you decorate when you can afford new furniture. For now, I’ll mail you a few black and white pictures that I think will look great.

  Sending my love,

  Jade

  To: J. Vance

  From: H. Drago

  December 20th, 2006

  Subject: Change of plans.

  Claire told me you'd be back for Christmas. Please, confirm. I’m canceling my trip to New Jersey.

  H

  Me: I will, but you shouldn’t cancel your trip.

  Hudson: Then it’s settled. Send me your itinerary.

  Me: You should go to New Jersey. I’m sure your family will expect you.

  Hudson: They’ll understand when I explain to them why I have to stay. I just saw them a couple of months ago, when you and I met in New York.

  Me: Your sister is going to hate me.

  Hudson: She won't hate you, Jade.

  Me: Should I remind you about New York?

  Hudson: It was a fun trip.

  Me: It was, until you introduced me to Jenna and she called names while telling you that I wasn’t worth your time.

  Hudson: I defended you.

  Me: I know, but still. Why feed the fire?

  Hudson: Send me your itinerary. I’ll pick you up at the airport.

  To: J. Vance

  From: H. Drago

  January 10th, 2007

  Subject: New offices

  I signed the lease. Do you think you’ll have time to help me choose the furniture?

  Hudson Drago

  CFO

  DH Data

  Jade: Seriously, Drago? You sent me an email for that line. Text me next time.

  Me: I just wanted you to see how cool the logo looks under my name. Thank you for the design.

  Jade: You’re welcome. And yes, I’ll be ready at three. We can drop by the craft store too. I found the perfect pictures to decorate the offices.

  Me: You’re donating your work?

  Jade: Yes. They’ll be safe with you.

  To: H. Drago

  From: J. Vance

  February 14th, 2007

  Subject: Happy Valentine’s

  Happy Valentine’s Day.

  Me: You sent me a video of a dancing dragon holding a heart.

  Jade: A thank you for the dozen roses and the candy you sent me.

  Me: I opened it during a meeting. The music blasted through my speakers.

  Jade: Who opens an email that reads Happy Valentine’s during a meeting?

  Me: Fuck, I miss you. Are you having a good day?

  Jade: There’s not much to do. There’s a yucky ice storm going on outside. Ben is ordering pizza, and we’ll be watching some action movie I’ll hate for the content but will drool because the main character is hot and shirtless.

  Me: I know we have this unspoken agreement, but are you with someone?

  Jade: Unspoken means we don’t discuss it, Hudson. And no, there’s no one but this handsome knight who waits for his princess. The beauty of our story is that the princess is the one with the quest.

  Me: I miss you, Jade Vance.”

  Jade: Miss you more. Do you think someday you’ll come along with me?

  Me: I already did once. New York. Remember.

  Jade: You know what’ll be the ideal Valentines date? You and me watching the snow fall down while we sit in front of the fireplace snuggling under a blanket.

  Me: We can do that any snowy day. But if you choose that one, we’ll do it the next Valentine’s you’re in town.

  Me: Are you going to ask me what my ideal Valentine’s will be?

  Jade: Mmm, nope, the last time we discussed Valentine’s you explained how corporations are trying to commercialize every life event to make an extra penny.

  Me: All true, but this time I was going to say: you under me, naked.

  Me: Princess, can I call you later? I have a little issue my lawyer and I have to discuss.

  Jade: Say hi to Brody.

 
Me: It’s going to be a long night. Not sure if I’ll be able to call you tonight.

  Jade: Happy Valentine’s, Drago. Think of me tonight. I know I’ll be thinking of you.

  Me: I always think of you, day or night.

  Chapter 15

  Jade

  June 21st, 2011

  “You’re not twenty anymore, Jade,” Claire brings up another valid point to the conversation. “What happened to I’ll do it up until I turn thirty?”

  The biggest problem with setting goals and limits—and telling everyone about them—is those who know will remind you about them. Like, did you learn Chinese Mandarin while in China? No, it wasn’t as simple as I thought. Did you climb Mount Everest? No, you need years of training to climb the sucker. Back when I said I would, I was twenty and didn’t think about researching the places I wanted to travel to. But I learned other languages and climbed other mountains. At thirty-one, I can say I’ve experienced more than many will do in a lifetime. Looking around Ben’s tiny apartment, it hits me—going home isn’t as bad as I fear.

  “If it helps, he’s not dating anyone,” Claire breaks the silence.

  “Who?” I feign stupidity, knowing she’s talking about the one and only Hudson Drago. The man I was infatuated with since her wedding and slowly fell in love with for the past...eight years? I’m so stupidly, hopelessly in something—I’m not sure if I should call it love—with him.

  “Hudson Drago,” she serves me with her most exasperated voice. “You know, the same man you’ve been salivating for since my wedding. Tall, dark blond hair, Italian, well built with light, playful green eyes who is madly in love with you.”

  “Madly in love?” I whisper as my heart skips a few beats. “There’s certain attraction between us, Claire, but love?”

  “If not for Drago, do it for us, Jade.” Her growl can be heard all the way to Patagonia. “Your mom misses you. I miss you. The entire family is waiting for you. What’s holding you back?”