Finding My Reason

by Claudia Burgoa

  She shrugs. “They met almost three years ago, and they’ve been dating on and off for nearly two years,” she responds, and I wasn’t prepared to be punched in the chest with such strength.

  I wonder if he calls me drunk when he’s having issues with her. My heart is breaking a little with the mere thought of me being his fallback, the rebound, and nothing more than a friend. Where’s the connection? No, Jade. You’re too tired to think about this. Go home, sleep for a couple of days and then focus on your life. Hudson Drago can fuck himself—and his girlfriend.

  Chapter 11

  Hudson

  April 12th, 2006

  I didn’t see Jade again for almost three years. Brody and Claire were awaiting the birth of their first child, a boy. I had been called once she went into labor. I knew I was the obvious choice for godfather. Except, when I got to the hospital with my girlfriend, Adriana, the entire waiting area was over crowded with Claire’s extended family, who for the first time in years, weren’t warm and welcoming towards me. What did I do?

  “You look like your past has come back to haunt you,” a cheerful voice suggests directly behind me, startling me.

  Fortunately, the only people who saw it was my girlfriend and the person who surprised me. Jade, back from the dead. Her formerly long blonde hair looked unrecognizable, about half the length and significantly darker. Impressively, the look suits her. As did the random smattering of earrings on her lobes.

  “Last time I checked, my past was younger and had a more hair,” I retorted as the woman I hadn’t seen in years greets me with a warm hug. My arms go around her, and I close my eyes, taking her presence, her scent and her voice all at once. Our bodies molding against each other, like to pieces of a puzzle finally finding their rightful place. Fuck, I’ve missed her. How can I miss someone I only spent a weekend with? Maybe it’s those long phone calls, emails and texts we’ve exchanged for the past years. She’s been so close, yet so far away from me. Holding her feels natural. If only she were back to stay for good. “It’s good to see you. When did you arrive?”

  “Same,” she whispers resting her head against my chest. Her muscles relax as I press her hard against me, making sure she won’t escape again.

  Adriana makes an audible throat clearing noise. Opening my eyes, I spot her narrowed gaze and crossed arms. Shit, I’m in trouble. I release Jade, stepping back and awkwardly introduce the two. “Jade, this is my girlfriend Adriana. Adriana, Jade is family for my future goddaughter.”

  Jade balks at me. Her face is like something out of a cartoon as her eyes look playfully at me. I can’t believe it’s been three years; she acts like we had been palling around yesterday.

  “Your goddaughter?” she pipes up in disbelief.

  “Yes, my goddaughter,” I affirm smugly, crossing my arms for emphasis.

  “That’s funny.” Jade pats my arm.

  “Oh yeah.” I huff out my chest, asserting my dominance in the matter. “Why’s that?”

  “Well, for one thing, I’m definitely getting one of those godparent slots. And two—” She points in the direction of the delivery room just as Brody bursts through the door into the waiting room.

  “It’s a boy!” he shouts as he triumphantly fists the air.

  I turn back to Jade. “How the fuck? They said it was going to be a girl.”

  “Ever heard of reading an ultrasound wrong?” She smirks triumphantly.

  Before I could argue, much to Adriana’s chagrin, Brody comes up from behind. “Hey, come on, guys.” He grabs Jade and me by the shoulders. “Claire’s asking for you two.”

  Claire looks like a mess, to put it lightly. But man her eyes sparkle. That little squishy bundle of blue in her arms seems to be the only thing in existence to either of the new parents. The moment is serene and oddly breathtaking as my best friend goes to sit beside his wife on the bed. Gathering up his little family in his arms, I can tell he’s never been happier. Everything appears to be right with the world. Perfect.

  “So, do you have a name for him?” Jade interjects.

  Her cousin smiles at her and nods. “Michael Nicholas Golini.”

  “Good, strong name,” I muse out loud.

  “That’s wonderful,” Jade gushes. “After both of your fathers?” she inquires.

  Brody nods without looking away from the baby. “Yeah, it was a bitch to decide whose name would be his first name.”

  Claire shifts the weight of Michael to her right arm, then uses her left arm to pinch Brody violently. “No cursing in front of your son,” she whisper-yells at him. Her glare is nothing short of murderous. I’m starting to wonder how Brody survived his pregnant, lawyer wife for nine months.

  “C-can I hold him?” Jade reaches her arms out hesitantly to the new family.

  Her cousin nods, motioning Jade to come closer. “Be careful with his head.” Claire keeps supporting the boy’s head until the other woman is holding him correctly.

  Jade’s face softens as she stares at the small bundle she now carries. With a smile, she bounces him softly, walking only a few steps over toward me. Those powerful brown eyes meet mine, sucker punching me with the memory of our time together, and a new image of her looking stunning as she holds a baby. She bewitches me. If only I could be closer, kiss her...hold her close to my heart.

  “You wanna see him?” She doesn’t wait for my answer; she comes right up next to me with the little guy. He’s a looker, I’ll give him that. He has the tiniest curly tufts of hair poking out of his skull.

  “He’s going to be a heartbreaker, all right,” I tell the proud parents.

  “I hope not too much.” Claire chuckles. “So, are you two up for being godparents?”

  “What?” I yelp at the same time Jade exclaims, “Of course!”

  Our outbursts cause Michael to whimper in protest. Jade gently hands the baby to his father who sprung out of his seat, rushing to Mike’s side. The two parents glare at us for disturbing the baby.

  “Us? As in shortstop and me over here?” I protest. Jade gripes at my jab.

  “Why not?” Brody yawns. “We love you. You guys get along well enough. Who better to co-parent our son than you two?”

  “Co-parent as in ‘in the event of our untimely deaths’ not ‘hey take our kid whenever,’” his wife clarifies.

  Jade looks to me, impatient for me to get on board with their plan. Her gaze only intensifies with my continued silence. “Of course. It’d be an honor.”

  “I’m glad you two accepted,” Claire keeps her voice close to a whisper. “Now that you’ve met your godson, let everyone else know they can see him in an hour.”

  With that, we leave the new family to their bliss.

  “You never answered me,” I speak as soon as we’re out of the room. “When did you arrive?” She hasn’t answered any of my calls, and her messages are too short. “Are you upset at me? Because we haven’t spoken in a long time.”

  “Upset?” She frowns, but there’s something in her eyes I can’t decipher. “Not at all. I arrived a month ago, but between work and catching up with the family—”

  “A month?” I growl. “What the fuck, Jade? You’ve been back for a month catching up with everyone but me?”

  “Well, you’ve been dating her for two years,” she tilts her head toward Adriana who is walking toward us, “and never told me. I guess that’s how little we mean to each other.”

  My jaw drops. That I didn’t expect. I can’t tell if she’s mad at me for not mentioning Adriana (and I can’t remember why I didn’t) or if she’s...she couldn’t be jealous, could she? She leaves just as Adriana joins me, but before she does, her brown eyes shooting darts at my girlfriend.

  “How is she related to them?” Adriana asks. “Because she looks nothing like them, yet last month at the shower everyone was praising as if she’s a princess of some sort.”

  She’s a princess, I don’t say out loud. She’s my princess.

  Chapter 12

  Hudson

>   June 13th, 2006

  She’s doing it again. I slam the car door as I march to my apartment. Brody called while I was leaving the office to invite me to her going away party. The entire family is gathering to say goodbye. Jade leaves for Vancouver in two days, because the woman who has been ignoring me for the past two months works for some fancy traveling magazine. She’s getting paid to do what she does best—travel and take pictures. Who in their fucking mind offered a job like that to her? Her ideal job. I want to punch someone’s face. Don’t they know that she could find a job here that would make her happy? Where the rest of us are? Where we could make her happy?

  What can I possibly do with this new development? Nothing. The dynamic won’t change until she decides to stay. During the night, while I look at the few pictures I have of her, I wonder what is it about her that keeps me waiting.

  Everything. Her passion, the way she tells stories, how she listens to everything I say...even the technical stuff I explain to her while talking about my long days at work.

  Jade Noelle Vance arrived unannounced, injecting doses of positive energy, and in exchange, she took my heart with her. No matter what I do, who I date, or how much I try to claim back what she stole from me, I can’t. For that, and many other reasons, I’ve decided to grow up and behave like a real man. A gentleman, like Nonna would’ve said.

  I find my girlfriend in my bedroom when I come home. Nothing out of the ordinary here. She’s fixated on her phone, most likely stalking her next celebrity client. One thing I admire of Adriana is her killer instinct. She achieves everything she sets her mind on, and no one can stop her. I’m one fine example. No matter how much I pushed her away, she wore me down until we went out on a date, and I haven’t been able to shake her off since. Every time we break up, she finds her way back to me.

  Being alone isn’t easy; finding a woman who doesn’t care about my hectic work schedule is an opportunity I couldn’t pass. Any therapist would agree that we have an unhealthy relationship. I use her to forget I’m lonely, and she... What does she get out of me? It doesn’t matter anymore.

  I knock the wooden frame of the door, catching her attention. “Hey, can we talk?”

  She looks up from her phone, studying my body language carefully. Adriana’s always had this uncanny ability to read any situation. It’s almost like she’s psychic.

  “Of course.” She gets up to meet me. It’s a ritual of ours, for her to help me out of my suit. Today is no different. It makes me feel shitty that she helps me slip out of my jacket without me asking right before I...break her heart?

  I heave my chest, taking a large breath in. We’ve done this so many times. No, I’ve done this. She takes it lightly, and a few weeks later, she’s back. No, it has to stop. We have to stop the cycle before one of us gets hurt. “I don’t think...”

  “That we’re going to work out?” she finishes for me. Adriana flashes me a smile I’ve grown accustomed to. It’s like grief and irony rolled into one. “You never think it’s working out, babe, but we both know it does. What’s the excuse this time? Work?”

  “No.” I swallow some saliva. This is uncomfortable. I hate lies, but the truth is cruel. Dating her when I knew from the beginning my heart belonged to Jade made me an asshole.

  “It’s her, isn’t it?” Her voice is loud. I open my mouth and close it several times. She knows about Jade? “It’s always been her.”

  “Her?” I repeat, confused by her reaction and the accusation.

  “But I’m not blindsided by this,” she continues.

  “What does that mean?”

  “We’ve been dating for almost two years,” she says as if it’s the most obvious answer. “I know you, and I’m good friends with your sister.” She continues to help me, unfastening my tie, but the tenderness is gone. When she’s done, she tosses it onto the bed. “And I knew something was holding us back. A real reason why you had a few fun weeks and suddenly you’d break up with me.”

  “Adri.” I sigh helplessly. I’m not good with sentimental shit. “You’re fun.”

  “But you don’t love me,” she barks, and I drop my gaze. “I knew that. I've been waiting for you to get over her...whoever she was.”

  “You were?”

  “I was...and then I met her, Jade.” She rolls her eyes. “Your sister is right; you think she’s a goddess—she’s not. Whatever you think you feel for her isn’t love.”

  She presses her hand against her chest. “I love you. I’m here for you.”

  Looking around the room, she raises her voice even louder. “Where is she? What is it about her that keeps you tied to her?”

  I can’t explain to her about Jade without sounding like a fucking asshole. While I party with Adriana, I think of Jade. Each time I’m fucking my girlfriend, Jade is who I have in mind.

  Adriana pulls something out of her jeans pocket. The spare key to my apartment. “My lease ends at the end of the month.” She tosses it against the floor chuckling. “To think that I was going to ask you to move into my new place with me.”

  She takes a deep breath. “How can you choose her over me?” Her hand pointing at me, demanding an explanation. “Look at me.”

  Sliding her hands along her torso, she perks up showing her slim figure. “She dresses like a child, doesn’t have a job or a home.” Pointing at herself, she continues, “I’m a successful woman with a bright future. Unlike your precious Jade. Do you know what Jenna told me? That she’s just like your mother. Unpredictable and unreliable.”

  I stare at Adriana speechless. A myriad of emotions swirling inside my chest. Anger toward my sister, confusion because I never considered that things between Adriana and me were these serious, moving in with her? That’s insane.

  “One day you’ll realize I’m the one for you. Hopefully, it won’t be too late.” She glares at me.

  “Look.” I grip her shoulders. “This has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with shitty me.”

  Adriana releases a hysterical laugh, wiping a tear from her left eye. “Oh, I know. Doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

  “I’m sorry,” I repeat, wanting to do more but not knowing what to say. “Is there anything I can do to soften the blow?”

  She shrugs. “Do you think if the situation were different and you had met me first that you’d be having this exact conversation with her?” She grins in mirth.

  I think about Jade. We had an immediate connection. It only took a glance to be hooked. For her to steal my heart. With Adriana... There’s no right answer to Adriana’s question. Whatever I say, it will be the wrong thing to say and I don’t want to hurt her more than I already had. “Honestly, I don’t know.”

  “Your sister thinks so.” Adriana sighs. My sister should mind her own business.

  “I hope someone sees how wonderful you are.”

  “What if she leaves again?” she counteracts. “Hudson, I’m here. There’s nothing to think about, I’m the best choice. The logical choice.”

  “Adri, I don’t love you,” I mumble, feeling like a major jerk.

  “Do you love her?” Do I? I press my lips tightly. Why continue this conversation? If I answer with the truth, I’ll hurt her, if I say I lie...better stay quiet.

  She backs off slowly, heading toward the door, steps sluggish. I never see her turn around, but I distinctly hear her say, “Hudson? If you call me again, it needs to be because you mean it. Not because you feel lonely.”

  Beating myself for what I did to her won’t solve anything, but guilt twists my insides. Fuck, I’m a jackass.

  Chapter 13

  Jade

  June 14th, 2006

  Partying on a Wednesday isn’t abnormal for me; having a family party is odd enough to worry about my cousin’s sanity. Tonight is especially strange because tomorrow I’m leaving town and Claire’s invitation made it clear we all had to be here.

  As Brody swings the door open holding my favorite godchild, I survey the foyer and family room. F
illed with colorful balloons, signs ranging from “good luck” to “congratulations on the new job” and “have a wonderful trip”. Mom, Aunt Carol, and Uncle Bert stand close to the kitchen area, drinking wine while chatting.

  “Everyone else is in the backyard,” Brody speaks, answering my unspoken question.

  “Why are we having a party?” I ask Claire as I step inside, hanging my messenger bag in the coat closet.

  “You’re leaving again,” Brody responds. “A better question is: why can’t you find a job in town? Don’t you want to be close to your family? We love you.”

  Instead of acknowledging their reason to party, or listening to what I think is a lecture about my future, I take Mike from Brody’s hold and continue toward the backyard.

  “Don’t ignore us, Jade Noelle.” Claire marches behind me. “If you want a job at the Post, I can get it for you. I know people.”

  “If I wanted a job at the Post, I’d apply, Claire Alexandra.” My annoyed tone sounds brattish, but I’m tired of the same lecture. Just earlier today, Mom and I had a little altercation for the same reason. She wants me to settle down. Twenty-five isn’t old, but if I don’t start thinking about my future now, when will I do it? “Sorry, but Mom’s on my case. Is it too hard to understand I want to see the world? I get paid to do what I love—traveling and learning about other cultures.”

  Claire shakes her head and takes her son back. Then she hands him over to Brody. “Follow me.”

  We go through the kitchen, take the stairs and end up in her room. Yep, another lecture is about to start. This one might not be as harsh as Mom’s, who believes I’m pulling away from her and don’t love her. A terrible assumption. I adore her and would take a bullet for her. She called me irresponsible at least four times just because I told her I didn’t care about hopping onto the mortgage train anytime soon. Yes, maybe someday I’ll own a house, but for now, I don’t need to have a permanent address.

  “The world isn’t safe anymore, Jade,” Claire starts as she closes the door. “There’s a war in the Middle East. Terrorist attacking every corner of the world, and have you read the news lately? There are so many natural disasters claiming too many lives. We worry about you. Think about the ones you leave behind while you’re sowing your wild oats.”