Finding My Reason

by Claudia Burgoa

  Mom squeals when she sees me. Hugging me tightly, she rests her chin on my shoulder and gushes. “Come inside; it’s abnormally cold this afternoon.”

  She lets me into the house while telling me about the hospital, her schedule next week and asks me if I plan to visit Ben anytime soon. “That boy is avoiding coming home. I need someone to go and drag him back—for good.”

  I laugh, shaking my head. “He has a life there, Mom.”

  “Mhmm. So why does he wants you to move with him?” She gives me the motherly glare. She’s watching me and knows something’s up. “You have a life here, don’t you?”

  I inhale and exhale several times, training my posture and smiling back at her. Mom’s always been supportive. “Yes, I’m not moving.”

  “That takes care of one part. Now, tell me. What’s so important you have to call and warn me about your visit?” She makes it sound like some sobbing phone call instead of the quick message I left letting her know I’d be here around two. “Did you move again?”

  “If it were that I’d have texted.” I sit down on the sofa. Her assumption is logical since I’ve emailed her three different addresses since the beginning of the year. Libby’s, the apartment I moved into on Wednesday and my current address. Once I learned I was pregnant, I convinced my landlord to lease me a three-bedroom apartment. In exchange, I’ll be updating their website.

  “Hudson?” As she mentions him, I tense. Calm down, Jade. I breathe out lightly, because as much as I don’t want to hear that name or think about the man who professed his hate for me when I left, I miss him. I love him, and I need him like I’ve never had before. The joy of expecting our first child is overshadowed by our separation. “What did he do now?”

  “Nothing, Mom. Hudson and I have been over for a couple of months.” Over, as in no longer together and now I’m a single mother. Which isn’t the end of the world. There’s no shame in having a baby. But then why am I having a hard time telling Mom? I had no trouble telling Libby or Ben. I don’t want to disappoint her. Will this disappoint her? “But...you’re going to be a grandma.”

  From everything I imagined she’d do or say, the last thing was her hugging me and crying. “I’m going to be a grandma,” she repeats several times. Once she composes herself, she takes both my hands inside hers and smiles. “How do you feel about it?”

  “Happy. Confused, scared, sad... I’ve dreamed about this baby for so long, but in the dream we were together. Now I’m single, starting a new life... The situation is very daunting.” I release my hand of her grasp, cleaning the few tears I’ve shed. “Am I going to be a good mom? Will I be enough? Honestly, I don’t want to tell Hudson; it’s not like he’d care. And I don’t want him to outright reject the baby, but I don't want to steal their chance to have a relationship either.”

  She caresses my cheeks and draws circles on the palm of my hand. “Have faith in God and yourself. You’re strong. The strongest person I’ve met, and loving.” She hugs me tight. “You’ll be an amazing mother, and you have an entire family supporting you. Don’t be afraid, enjoy every day, every milestone. Document everything and be thankful for this beautiful gift.”

  Mom offers me her guest room, financial help, and babysitting. My salary isn’t much, but it’s enough to cover my rent, utilities and everything I need. However, as a freelancer, I don’t have a good medical insurance. Maybe I’ll take the offer if I can’t find a better insurance.

  After dinner, Mom drove me home. She offered to lend me her car as often as I needed and to think about moving in with her. Before getting out of the car, she squeezed my hand and smiled. “When I told Ben’s father about the pregnancy, it was scary, but I knew I had to do it. I had to give him the chance to be a father. I had to give Ben a chance to have a father. To this day, I don’t regret what I did, because once he told me he wanted nothing to do with us, I felt free.”

  “I’ll think about it.” After an evening with Mom, I am hopeful, thankful, joyful and still concerned about the future.

  • • •

  Hudson

  February 27th, 2016

  I think I’m in a dream. A seriously fucked up dream. Or a trance or some shit like that. I haven’t been myself since Jade left. Today is our move-in anniversary, and there’s no one to celebrate with. The ambiguous feelings for her continue flowing through my blood. I fucking love her; she’s my life. After ripping my heart and shredding it into pieces, I hate her. I can’t even function normally outside of work. I arrive every morning at the crack of dawn and don’t leave until I can’t keep my eyes open. Sleeping in the guest room is the only way I can rest. Fuck, I haven’t slept in our bed since the day she left.

  Nothing is working out the way I like, and reaching out to her isn’t an option. She couldn’t say it better; we can’t continue hurting each other. I will never propose. She is tired of being just the girlfriend. I thought we were living as partners. That’s what I meant four years ago when I asked her to move in with me. So what if I don’t want a child? We have our godchildren, don’t we? Well, it’s not like the family is happy with me. They all hate me. I should stay away from them, from her. But here I am, making an ass of myself as Brody beats me in racquetball of all things.

  A couple of days after Jade broke up with me and ran away, he said he wouldn’t help me get her back. Not that I’d ask; there’s no point of getting back together. Once I’d calmed and saw the logic of her behavior, I realized she was right. We are no longer on the same wavelength. I want to wake up at noon on Sunday; she wants to stay awake all night feeding a newborn. Yet, there’s a pain in my chest every time I think about the little girl she described. Curly brown hair, like her mothers. That same button nose and the smile.

  What the fuck is wrong with me?

  “Have you seen her?” I finally ask, breaking the silence.

  “You know what’s funny?”

  “What?” I indulge him, schooling my features to be as neutral as possible. He serves the ball; I can’t make the return, again. Another fucking point for him.

  “You spent years recovering from that best man speech—worming your way into the hearts of Claire’s family.” He stops the game and glances at me with his lawyer I’m about to destroy you smirk on as he continues. “In a couple of months, you not only ass-fuck your reputation to shreds, now everyone thinks it’s my fault you broke Jade’s heart.”

  “What?” I boom. He’s snapped me out of my stupor. “I broke her heart? She’s the one who fucking walked out on me, Brody. What the fuck was I supposed to do?”

  He shrugs. “Marry her.”

  I shake my head. “Marriage is flawed and messy. People don’t stay together. So what, the only way to get her back is by becoming you? A fucking idiot who does what his bitch wife wants?”

  In one fluid motion, Brody throws his racquet to the floor, crosses the room, practically throwing me against the wall.

  I hold my hands up immediately. “Sorry, man, I didn’t mean to disrespect Claire. You know I love her.”

  Fuck, I’m a mess. His pent up anger eases a few degrees. He takes a breath, backs up about an inch. But he doesn’t let me have the space to move away from the wall.

  Brody meets my eyes again, staring intensely. “Fuck, man, are you forty? Because you’re acting like a child. Jade isn’t your mother, all right? She’s here to stay.”

  “She takes off whenever the fuck she wants,” I spit my words. “Case in point, where is she now?”

  “Dude.” He shakes his head, refusing to look me in the eyes again. He’s utterly disappointed in me. Unbelievable. “She stopped being that adventurous flake and moved back home to date you. And any idiot can tell you hurt her bad by not wanting to settle down. She was just trying to protect herself.”

  “Protecting herself from me?” I growl. I pick up my shit quickly, not feeling like continuing this conversation any longer. But I stop midway. “You’re right. It took me long to worm my way into Jade’s family. Because Jade stole my
heart at your wedding. You might not want to believe it, but no one loves her the way I do. I’d die for Jade Vance. She’s my life. Marriage doesn’t guarantee love or forever. It’s a fucking paper.”

  “A legal binding document.” The lawyer adds to my rant.

  “But nothing more than a piece of paper.” I push the glass door, and it doesn’t take more than two steps before the meaning of those words hit me right in the chest.

  It is about a piece of paper. She’s adopted, for fuck’s sake. Legalities have always mattered to her. They’re definitive, exact. A way to protect herself and know she belongs. But how do I reach out when we had a nasty break up? Will she forgive me?

  I dart to the men’s locker room, angry with myself for not thinking about Jade’s needs. Wondering if our relationship is worth saving. The last weeks were painful for the two of us. She’s looking for so much more, and I don’t know if I’m capable of giving her a child and...if I want her back, I have to marry her. Can I take that step?

  Too distracted with my relationship I don’t pay attention and bump into someone. “Sorry,” I apologize without glancing.

  “Hudson?” I stop, turning around when I recognize the voice.

  Her blond hair tied into a ponytail, she wears a tight tank-top and a pair of shorts showing her perfect slender body. “Adriana?” I greet her. “It’s been long.”

  “It has,” she stares at my left hand smiling. “No one has trapped the elusive Hudson Drago?”

  I lift my shoulders slightly giving her a forced smile. What can I say? My ex tried but I refused? “How are you doing?”

  “Not bad.” She looks around, then checks her fit watch. “Look, my next class is in ten minutes. Can we meet for coffee later?”

  “Class?”

  “I teach “Zumba”,” she answers. “A way to compliment my income. If I go back to work my ex might try to cut some of the alimony claiming I am capable of working full time.”

  “Ex?”

  “Married eight years ago,” she explains angling her face closer to me. “But it didn’t work out, I’ve always been in love with someone else.” She licks her lips and gives me that flirty look she used to back when we were dating.

  Is she talking about me?

  Her watch beeps, and she touches my shoulder. “I still have the same number. Call me tonight. I’d love to catch up.” She kisses my cheek and rushes through the hallway leaving me dumbfounded.

  Should I call her? Maybe. I’ve been working night and day, living inside a stealth apartment with memories of my ex. One night catching up with an old friend should help me get back my life. Clear my mind. I search through my contacts and text her.

  Me: Adri, let’s have dinner. I’m off at six. Text me the address where I should pick you up.

  • • •

  Jade

  March 15th, 2016

  “How are you feeling?” Claire asks as she hands me a box filled with fresh strawberries, blueberries, and blackberries. I raise an eyebrow, wondering why she’s bringing me berries. “They’re an excellent source of natural vitamins.”

  I love my family, but I don’t know how to tell them I can’t eat everything they bring me, or store it. Still, their support and pampering for the past four weeks has made a difference. Having Claire and Brody dropping by daily before they head home is endearing.

  “How’s work?” Brody picks up one of the brochures I just finished. “I know a few companies who are looking to update their logo and web page.”

  Everyone has found me new clients or side jobs. My plan is to save for the hospital bills, and if all goes well, maybe save enough, so I don’t have to work much for the first two months. I’d like to enjoy my time with my baby. There’s a plan I’ve traced during this timeline called pregnancy. Which reminds me of a subject I have to tackle sooner or later.

  “I’ve been thinking.” I look at Brody because I need his advice on this matter. “How do I approach him?”

  Hudson has the right to know about the baby, at least have the knowledge he’ll be a father. In no way will I try to force him to be a father, but... “I thought about visiting him, but I don’t want to go to our old home. A coffee shop would remind me of those winter evenings when we’d work while drinking a homemade cappuccino... Every time I tell someone about my pregnancy, I cry. If I’m somewhere filled with memories of us, I’m going to lose it almost immediately. I just know it.”

  “Do you want me to prepare a petition to terminate his parental rights?” The hollow in my heart increases at Claire’s suggestion.

  That sounds severe, too final.

  “Approach him in a neutral place, or somewhere where you haven’t made memories,” Brody answers my question, ignoring his wife who can’t take off her family attorney hat. “Maybe the new offices.”

  I frown, looking from Claire to Brody. “New offices? He moved the company... Is he doing okay?”

  Brody bobs his head. “That brings me to the next point. What’s the purpose of telling him?”

  The question startles me. Why shouldn’t I? Do they know something I don’t? I think of the possibilities. Because he hates me, he’s dating someone new, or... Why is Brody asking me that question? Brody and Hudson have been best friends for years. Almost twenty. They know each other too well. Sometimes Claire jokes that Hudson knows Brody better than she does and believes they’d be a better couple. They’ve been each other’s family because their families live in other states.

  “He has the right to know.” I chew on a hangnail, waiting for him to drop an emotional bomb.

  “He doesn’t.” Claire uses her detached voice. “Think about the reasons you broke up with him and everything he told you. Why go through the emotional distress? Protect the baby and your heart. You have eighteen years to tell him.”

  “As a lawyer, I suggest you sue him for child support. He has the financial stability you don’t,” Brody says, ignoring Claire. “As your cousin, I’d agree, but I’ll remind you that an entire family is behind you, and you and the baby are covered. As his best friend...”

  “No, no.” Claire shakes her head avidly. “Keep your emotions in check, counselor.”

  “Babe, give him a fair trial. I understand your weariness. She’s your baby cousin, the one everyone wants to shield and love. I do too, but not everything is black and white. There’s a shade of gray for every situation. So hear me out.” I hold my breath, waiting for what he has to say. Claire crosses her arms narrowing her gaze. “Hudson fucked up in many ways, but the bottom line hasn’t changed. He adores you.”

  I laugh at the bottom line because no one witnessed our last days. Said love vanished.

  “He’s great with children, imagine him with his own kid.” Brody ignores my laughter, but when the image of him holding a baby is all I can see, I sober up and fight the tears.

  “The man doesn’t want children, Golini.” The Brody and Claire show distracts me from reality. “He doesn’t deserve to know, but maybe the child support...”

  “Every man has the right to know if they’re fathering a child,” Brody protests. “Would you keep that information from me?”

  “If you were a jerk, I would, Brody Golini.”

  “Outrageous!” He slams his hand on my table. “I can’t believe you’d deny me the right to know my child because you think I’m a jerk. That’s subjective.”

  “Maybe you cheated.”

  “Babe.” He kneels in front of her. “I’d never cheat. You’re the love of my life—”

  “People, focus here,” I interrupt their comedy-drama. “You’ve digressed heavily. I just wanted to know where to approach him. I’m giving the baby a chance to have a father. If said father rejects us, then I’ll think about the paternity rights, or asking for child support.”

  I love my family, but Ben’s offer to move to DC is beginning to look more appealing. Now to find the courage to speak with Hudson.

  Chapter 24

  Jade

  March 19th, 2016
>
  It’s amazing how someone can change in only a few weeks. A single turn and my life has taken a new shape. Well, not a single turn, an entirely new life is growing inside me. Organization wasn’t part of my vocabulary. Procrastination and I were best friends. I’ve gone from having a bed and a table, to now having real furniture in my apartment. Ben calls it “adulting,” something I should’ve done five years ago when I moved back to Colorado. After being burned by Hudson, I have to start from zero, again.

  Ben doesn’t take into account that five years ago I had leased my apartment, bought a few pieces of furniture and planned on furnishing as time passed. When Hudson proposed we move in together, I sold everything I owned and only kept the basics because he already had everything. Pushing away the memory of that morning when he suggested I move in, I check my email. There’s so much to do and I don’t have time to dig those memories and analyze every word he said and their intentions.

  Because for a long time—five years—I believed our relationship had no expiration date and meant forever. Ben had warned me before I moved in with Hudson that it was a terrible idea.

  “He has no intention to marry you,” Ben said.

  “How would you know?” I asked.

  “I’ve partied with the guy a few times, and he mentioned marriage wasn’t for him,” Ben continued. “But maybe I’m wrong. The way he sees you and how he treats you...Maybe you’re the one. The exception to his rules.”

  With my hormonal imbalance, I bawl like a baby at the memory. Another person who showed I wasn’t enough. The man I swore would take care of my fragile heart. But, he never promised more than a light, loving relationship. I guess our motto backfired. For as long as we made each other happy.

  How happy or upset will he be when I tell him I am expecting his baby? Will he even care? Yesterday night I spoke with Ben about telling Hudson. He agreed with Claire; I have eighteen years to break the news for him. I shouldn’t worry about telling him while I’m so emotional. In any case, he reminded me I have him, and the baby won’t lack for love or father figures. Being a Vance has its perks, including the love and devotion of his aunts and uncles.