Finding My Reason

by Claudia Burgoa

  All true, and I’m thinking about what I’ll do. I gave myself until next Monday to make a decision. I check my organizer, which says two days until the big decision. Hmm, maybe I’m taking this organization thing to an extreme. I created the ultimate organizer with a daily calendar and a pregnancy calendar. Along with goals, daily meals, to-do lists, and grocery lists. When Ben saw it, he suggested I mass produce it or create exclusive designs and sell them online. An idea for later; I currently have too many projects and only twenty-four hours in a day to complete them.

  My alarm beeps. Dinner time. Yes, I have to remind myself to have five meals a day, especially when I’m busy. Pre-pregnancy, I would have my regular three meals, except during deadlines. Now, I have deadlines every day, and I can’t have the deadline menu because...well, coffee is no longer my breakfast, a granola bar stopped being my lunch, and for dinner, I have to actually prepare myself a full meal. Ordering Chinese isn’t healthy, eating sushi is out of the question, and I don’t have a boyfriend who took pity on me because I was too busy to remember my own name and would cook for me. Hence, the daily meals part of my organizer. No matter what I’m doing, where I’m going or the load of work, I have someone to care for.

  As I walk toward the kitchen, the doorbell rings. Who can be ringing the bell on Saturday? Mom wouldn’t, she’s working late. We agreed to have lunch tomorrow, after church. Claire would call, and Brody would be pounding on the door down—he has no finesse.

  “Libby?” I ask, opening the door. “What a surprise!”

  “You mentioned something about work, and no time for a girls’ night out,” she hands me a tote bag. “Gotta feed the spawn.”

  “Stop calling my baby spawn,” I warn her walking to the kitchen. “Where’s your spawn?”

  “Her uncle is in town.” She helps me unpack the containers. “Everything organic. No GMO, gluten-free, and made with love.”

  I arched an eyebrow. “You cooked for me? Hmm.” I push the food, faking that I refuse to eat it because she has some ulterior motive. “The last time you gave me this much attention was back in college. Freshman year, when you had me writing all your English essays.”

  “Ben mentioned that Claire’s dropping by daily—with food,” she confesses with a smirk. “And I won’t let her take away my rightful place.”

  “Which is?” I sigh and start opening the containers.

  “I’m the spawn’s godmother.” She hands me a petite berry fruit tart.

  “Bring me more of those and you can have my baby,” I pick a blueberry and shove it inside my mouth. “So how come you didn’t go out with Heather and Kevin?”

  She shrugs and heads to the silverware drawer for utensils. “Any decisions yet?”

  “Context,” I remind her. Libby is one of those people who thinks faster than she can speak and sometimes she jumps into the next subject without warning and believing we already conclude the past one.

  “Hudson,” she says before taking a bite of what appears to be zucchini noodles. “You’re debating on telling him about spawny.”

  “Still thinking,” I respond casually because I don’t want to think about it today. Or tomorrow. Every time I think about his rejection my heart hurts for our baby. “Is Kevin visiting his niece, or is his band playing?”

  “Look, he’s not my favorite person,” Libby walks to the cupboards, pulls a couple of glasses, pours us water and hands me one. “His behavior was shitty, but I think you have to do it.”

  And I’m not sure what we are discussing anymore. Kevin or Hudson. It hits me. She’s avoiding Kevin like I’m avoiding Hudson.

  “Before you start nagging me, I’m not here to talk about my daughter’s uncle,” she sets me straight. “We’ve known each other for years, and the Jade I know is usually creating thousands of scenarios about the unknown. Which means, you’re obsessing about how to tell Hudson and how he’ll reject you.”

  “No. It isn’t about me,” I take a few sips of water to wash down the food while thinking about what she says. “I can’t explain exactly...we are over. He wants a childless relationship. I’m happily carrying a baby. But I do want my baby to have a dad. He’s great with Mikey and Wyatt. Or any other child.”

  I clean the tears rolling down my cheeks. “Hudson is a loving man, and I want our baby to experience that love. But I fear he’s too stubborn that he’ll reject the best present he can ever receive. A child.” And suddenly I’m not tearing up, I’m wailing because what if I made up that man and the real Hudson doesn’t want anything to do with his own kid. “I miss him, Lib. Of course, I’m capable of parenting by myself, but I wanted to share the joy of being a parent with him. And worse of all, I still love him.”

  “Of course you do. He’s the love of your life, and no one knows him better than you.”

  “I hate this hormonal imbalance,” I sob. “I say incoherent things and everything makes me cry.”

  “You don’t need to make an excuse with me, Jadey.” Libby hugs me tight, rubbing my back. “I know you’re hurting badly. And that’s why coming Monday you’re going to rip out the Band-Aid and talk to him.”

  “Monday?”

  “I’m giving you a couple of days to get used to the idea,p.” She is determined to make this happen. “This weekend we’re watching cheesy movies and eating crap.”

  “What’s the point of telling him?” I retort. “Other than get rid of the torturous scenarios?”

  She smiles at me and places her hands on her hips. “Remember when I went through something similar?” I angle my head slightly nodding and wondering where she’s getting to and why she’s smiling like the answer is too obvious. “Well, this obnoxious roommate of mine said that I should stop fearing my parent’s reaction because I had her. She was right. Telling my parents made everything easier. I was able to breathe easier. The thing is Jadey, sometimes you need another set of eyes to help you navigate through this crappy life.”

  “So your obnoxious roommate was right?”

  “Is that all you got from what I said?” She huffs, faking annoyance and making me laugh. “I’m glad we’re each other sets of eyes.”

  “And that after many years, our relationship doesn’t change. We cry, we fight, we laugh and at the end of the day we watch a movie and forget the outside world,” I add searching for the popcorn tub I hid under the kitchen sink and looking for the crunch bites bags. “Gilmore girl, here we go.”

  Chapter 25

  Jade

  March 21st, 2016

  “Hudson Drago’s office,” Hudson’s assistant, answers the phone.

  “Hey, Stella, it’s Jade. How are you doing?”

  “Fabulous, darling. How are you?” she asks. I imagine her rotating the chair and pulling her purse out of the drawer behind her, taking out her makeup bag and reapplying lipstick. That’s what she does every time she’s talking to a friend or plans to have a long conversation. “Just the other day I was chatting about you with one of our clients. He loved your pictures and mentioned his brother, who owns a gallery. Say the word and I’ll connect you with him.”

  “Uhmm.” Tongue tied, I repeat everything she said. Stomped by someone interested in my work as art, but also by the knowledge Hudson hasn’t thrown out my pictures.

  “Think about it, darling,” she doesn’t wait for me to react.

  I clear my throat and focus on why I called. “I will. So...is there some way you can tell me when’s the best time to see Hudson?”

  “How soon do you want to see him?”

  “The sooner the better.” I shut down my computer and start packing. My doctor’s appointment is in forty-five minutes, and between the walk to the light rail and the ride, I might not make it on time. “What do you have for me?”

  “Twelve-thirty. He still keeps the half an hour open Mondays and Fridays.” She sounds hopeful as she says it. That’s the time I swung by the office to have lunch with him. “I won’t be around, but feel free to go in.”

  After thanking Stella, I
leave for my appointment, thinking about what I will tell him. I should have written some flashcards. The first for the announcement, and the others...well, each for every reaction. No, maybe I should go with a general delivery. Something emotionless and to the point.

  “I am pregnant. I plan on keeping this baby. You’re welcome to be as much part of his life as you’d like.” Should I add something like, “You are welcome to do a paternity test once it’s born?”

  Nope, that sounds cold, intense and...I don’t like it.

  Turns out Hudson moved the offices south, to the Denver Tech Center. Only a few blocks away from my doctor’s office. As the elevator’s bell announces we’ve reached the six floor, my heart thumps faster and my palms are clammy. It’s been a long time, too long since the last time we spoke, since I chose our destiny. As the doors open, my mouth falls open, my heart breaks. He made it happen. The reception is exactly the way I designed it. A plate engraved with the logo I created for the company. It sits on a floor to ceiling waterfall-wall. The elegant, soothing atmosphere calms my heartbeat.

  I can do this. I place my free hand on top of my belly. We can do it. Whatever happens today will take some weight out of my back.

  “Can I help you?” A young, petite woman narrows her gaze.

  “I’m here to see Hudson. Stella told me he’d be available around twelve-thirty,” I explain, wondering about the changes he’s made and the reasons why he’s moved.

  She looks at her desk and then back up at me. “Miss Vance?”

  “That’s me.” I clamp my lips waiting for her to kick me out because I’m on the persona non grata list.

  She places a white envelope on top of her desk. “Go to your left, walk down the hall, take the stairs. You’ll see a desk—that’s Stella’s. Next to it is his door. That’s the code to open it.”

  I set the takeout bag on her desk to grab the envelope. Opening it, my lips curve into a smile. 005260, our six-digit code. I’m a dreamer, or maybe stupid, but looking at my vision of what his office should become when he had the money and him using the secret code for our digital lock, and our house alarm is a good sign. He doesn’t hate me. Rushing through the hallway and climbing the stairs, I reach the door. With shaky fingers, I tap on each number as if they were the key to unfolding the secrets of my future.

  The breathtaking view from the desk is the first thing I spot, then the huge monitor, and the tapping sound on a mechanical keyboard.

  “Place the sushi on top of the coffee table,” his voice commands. “I’ll be with you in just a second.”

  “How do you know I brought you sushi?” I inquire, waltzing inside the office and setting the takeout bag where he told me. “Please. That’s a good word to use when asking for a favor.”

  “Jade?” He slowly rises from his desk.

  “You’re here,” he mumbles.

  The air stills, along with my heart. The world stops spinning, and it’s only us. Us without being us; the same, but different. Like a storm, threatening to tear down everything standing in its path. Every second we’ve spent together rushes throughout the room. The moment I saw him next to Brody as my cousin married the love of her life. The night we spent telling each other our secrets, and those phone calls he often made, reminding me of home. Becoming my home. The strongest memory is of what attracted me to him. It was the small details. His kindness, his gentle smile, his broken soul just like mine. The way he looked at me, with admiration, curiosity, and lust. He made me laugh when I needed it. He comforted me when all hope was lost.

  Until I lost him and we couldn’t be with each other anymore.

  We both appraise each other in an instant. His hair is longer, his five o’clock stubble looking a couple of days old. The gray tie he wears is loose and his eyes weary.

  Hudson doesn’t move. Me neither.

  “Are you busy?” I interrupt the deafening silence between us.

  Those pale eyes stare at me as if he’s trying to read my intentions, maybe trying to use the telepathic communication between our hearts. I doubt it’ll work. It broke months ago.

  His loud exhale tightens every muscle of my body as I prepare myself for the worse; some cruel words followed by kicking me out of the office.

  “How can I help?” He walks around the desk, then leans on the edge, crossing his arms and legs—looking sexy. My mouth dries. I want his lips, his hands, his arms all around me. I want him the way the tales want to be told, the way the ocean wants to reach shore. A blaze of fire burns inside me. But everything stops as I detect it, the wall between us. The one he placed long ago and is now fortified with steel.

  “The new office looks amazing.”

  “Thank you. I hope it’s okay I used what you designed for it.” His features remain neutral; his body is as tense as mine. “To what do I owe this visit?”

  Dropping my gaze, I shake my head. This isn’t the way it was supposed to happen. There’s an entire universe separating us. Our hearts aren’t where they used to be, and no amount of words will make this ideal. For a few seconds, I fantasize about the perfect moment, me telling him about our baby, him hugging me and twirling me around with joy. Smiles, laughs and that happily ever after tale I concocted inside my head.

  “Jade, are you okay?”

  I shake my head one more time, lifting my chin, straightening my back and letting the words out. “I’m pregnant.” Pulling the sonogram picture out of my messenger bag, I place it on top of the coffee table and retreat slowly until my back bumps against the wall, ready to escape.

  Chapter 26

  Hudson

  Pinching the bridge of my nose, I stare at Jade’s flat belly for several heartbeats. “Are you sure?” All the ideas I had when I saw her standing right in front of me disappear. She’s pregnant. There’s no way to compromise, when she’s expecting a baby.

  She mumbles a yes, but doesn’t say more. What now? I feel like a teenager who broke a window and now has to pay for the damage. We discussed it, didn’t we? I didn’t want a child.

  “The injection never failed before,” I say as I rack my brain for what went wrong.

  Her eyes turn hollow as her gaze narrows. Her shoulders square, she’s ready to fight. The softness in her is covered by some hard shell I’ve never witnessed. “Don’t. Do not bother finding a way to wiggle your way out of a situation you’re not in.”

  “Then why did you come?” I challenge her because there’s a reason she found out where I work and took the time to visit me.

  She bites her lips so hard, I bet if I kiss her I’d detect the coopery taste of blood. Her hands cover her abdomen as if protecting someone fiercely—from me. “Because you have the right to know that come September, you’ll be a father. What you choose to do with that piece of information is not my problem.”

  She serves me with a severe glare, hands on hips and body forward. Fuck the woman is pissed. “I want to make something perfectly clear. This situation isn’t ideal. Far from perfect for a child, and not the way I would have chosen having her. But I’m not sorry about being pregnant, or becoming a mother. In fact, I’m thrilled because I’ve always wanted children. After today you won’t be troubled, and if you prefer, contact Claire. She’ll whip her legal magic to make this go away.”

  She makes a couple of fists and opens them fast. “Puff. It’ll be like we never existed.”

  The last sentence pushes out all the air from my lungs, and the idea of Jade’s existence being erased becomes unbearable.

  In two strides, I reach the table where she left a piece of paper. Some grainy picture with numbers and her name. It reminds me of all the sonogram pictures my friends, colleagues and family have shared throughout the years. This picture is supposed to mean more than the others I’ve seen. Fuck, a baby. We made a baby and instead of hugging her, I lose the ability to move or speak. Of course, she takes my stupidity as a rejection.

  What the fuck is wrong with me?

  “Well hello there.” The moment I hear Adri’s voice
the blood flowing through my veins freezes. “I thought we agreed on having lunch together, babe.”

  Jade clears her throat. My eyes move to Jade who gawks at Adriana and then looks at me. Her face doesn’t change, but her eyes turn into puddles. Why? I move my gaze to Adriana as I rake my brain trying to find a polite way to kick her out of my office. Today isn’t a good time for social visits. Instead, it is Jade who speaks. “Please, don’t mind me.” Her voice is trained to the politest tone she has. She walks toward me and takes the picture of our baby with her. “I was already leaving.”

  She turns around, Adriana giving her a strange smirk while waving at her. “Have a safe trip.”

  Jade stops mid-way and turns around. “As I said earlier, Claire will contact you to finalize the details.” Jade bites her lip. Her chin quivering. My heart is breaking for her and I don’t even know why she’s leaving without finishing our discussion. Didn’t she come to discuss the baby?

  “Oh well, that takes care of that issue,” Adriana says with disdain, her voice loud enough for everyone around to hear it. She closes the distance between us and kissing my cheek, fixing my tie. “I was thinking maybe this weekend we can go to the mountains.”

  “Princess.” I rush to the door, calling after Jade who I hope didn’t hear Adriana’s suggestion to go to the mountains. She’s already assuming shit. Claire will contact you meant that her cousin would whip her legal magic, as Jade said. My chest tightens, and I quit breathing. For a few minutes I thought she had come to try to fix something between us, I had hope.

  “She’s already gone,” Adriana states the obvious. “What did she want? A second chance after the way she treated you? Honestly, she never deserved you. Now can we get back to us?”