Finding My Reason

by Claudia Burgoa

  What us? We are friends. Though, she comes to the office uninvited and never takes a no for an answer. She’s so insistent. Fuck me. It finally sinks in. She’s not backing down. I told her a couple of weeks ago that we were friends and that our relationship would stay that way. But just like it happened years ago, she isn’t listening.

  “Look, Adriana.” I scratch the back of my neck, trying to handle this in a polite way. “There's no us.” I play dumb.

  “She’s doing it again.” I jolt at the sound of her aggravating voice. “It’s my chance to have you. She left you. I swear, Hudson. You have to choose me this time.”

  Choose her? But there’s nothing between us. Fuck. No wonder Jade left. She’s assuming the worst, and why not, with Adriana in my office and her insinuating that we are a couple...

  “Please, close my office on your way out,” I request grabbing my jacket and heading down the stairs trying to catch up with Jade. Who left without giving me a chance to explain myself.

  What do you expect, asshole? You felt her pain and didn’t bend even a little for her. Hurrying down the stairs and toward the elevator, I call out to her. Once I reach the elevator, I ask Kelly if she saw where Jade had gone. It’s on the tip of my tongue to fire her for letting people into my office unannounced.

  “Miss Vance?” I nod. “She went down the elevator with Stella.”

  I poke the button of the elevator several times, harder each time until it arrives. Once I reach the main floor and the doors open, I rush through the lobby. I walk out the door and into the cold, snowy street. I pull out my phone and dial her number, but it goes straight to voicemail. Then I call Stella, who answers right away.

  “Where is she?”

  “Who, sir?”

  “Jade,” I groan. “Kelly saw you with her in the elevator.”

  “She’s gone, sir,” she says, hanging up the phone as she meets me right in front of the building. “I mentioned the exhibition of her work in a gallery earlier today. When we met in the elevator, she asked me about it, and I decided to walk with her to give her more details about it. She said she’ll email you to ask for the pictures you have around the office. Don’t worry, I’ll contact the interior designer and have her find something to replace them, sir.”

  “Don’t touch the pictures. They stay where they belong,” I warn her, because she doesn’t know Jade the way I do. She’s not planning on having an exhibition, she’s erasing herself from my life. Looking at the time, I give instructions to Stella while going back to my office. “Make sure they call me if they need anything.”

  “How long will you be gone?”

  “Until I find her...” ... and we fix our shit. Whatever that means. Because we have to fix what we broke, and I don’t know where we stand. The only thing I know is I want to erase all the pain I caused, and we have a baby on the way.

  If I didn’t feel like a total dick before, I do now. Brody warned me; no one in the family would talk to me. I fucked up in every way possible. Which sent me on a wild goose chase, hunting down every relative she has in town. They all told me to fuck off. I even called her brother.

  “You want Jade’s new address?” He laughs. “Stay away from my little sister.”

  “I need to talk to her,” I ignore his tone. “You know that I love her.”

  “Clearly,” he barks. “Look, Hudson. You and I both know that you’re never going to give Jade the relationship she deserves. Why string her? She had that when she was little. Family after family promising to be the one for her and then returning her like if she was part of a program called rent-a-kid.”

  “She’s having my baby,” I weakly protest. He’s right. I knew that from the beginning, Jade had jumped from one family to another. Why didn’t I think about all that when we were together?

  “Fuck. I told her not to contact you while she’s so emotional.” He breathes loud. “Drago, leave her alone. Jade can take care of herself, we will look after them. They don’t need the hassle of dealing with a man who won’t be there for them.”

  “You don’t know that,” I try to defend myself, punching the steering wheel. “I will take care of my family. They’re mine. If you don’t want to tell me where she’s at, I’ll find out on my own.”

  Fighting the traffic and the fucking blizzard, I make it to Boulder where Libby, her best friend, lives. I’m pounding on her apartment door, wondering if I should have brought chocolates or something more elaborate. All I have is my rehearsed words, my humility, and her favorite cologne on. I hope to God this works. If she’s here.

  I continue to pound on the door until it swings open. Shit. It isn’t her. It’s Heather, Libby’s kid. I swear when this girl looks up from her phone, it’s usually to hand my ass to me. She looks me up and down like she’s deciding whether to close the door or go in for the kill. The teen crosses her arms. Her face is blank but her eyes are ready for...fuck, I don’t know what. Better her than her mother?

  I spoke too soon, as Libby saunters toward me stopping right next to her daughter, giving me a murderous glare. “What do you want, Drago?” My last name rolls off her tongue like the foulest word in the English language.

  “Is she here?” The words sound desperate. I am desperate.

  “No!” Heather responds with a satisfied smile.

  “Where is she?” I growl, desperate, losing all hope of finding her again. “Libby, I need her. My heart stopped beating the day she left me.”

  “Three months and just now you decided to look for her?” The corners of their mouths twitch into a sneer. These two share a brain; the perfect mother and daughter combination who like to scare the hell out of me and hate me since they met me. “And why would I tell you where she is?”

  “Because she came to me with some news and I was too dumbfounded by them to respond adequately,” I reply looking around her apartment. Where is Jade? “Because you more than anyone else knows I have to speak to her soon. We have to fix this. Find a way to make everything go back to the way it was.”

  “Fix it? Go back?” She crooks an eyebrow and laughs hugging her mid-riff. “Oh, man. You have to get that head of yours outside of your ass and think what you’re going to tell her. Because so far, everything that comes out of your mouth is BS.”

  “Then what do you suggest?” I challenge her, angry with her attitude because she has no idea what I’m thinking, or how I plan on fixing everything. What is wrong with making everything better by going back to the way things were before?

  “First of all, don’t knock on her door and serve her with this demanding bravado like you deserve to be forgiven, all right? She didn’t do anything to you, got it?” She waits until I bob my head, agreeing. “The rest is up to you, but I’ll tell you one of my favorite stories. Now picture for a second, if you will, a lonely little girl.

  “She was so lonely that someone had to rescue her, clean her up and put her in a new home.” Libby crosses her arms. “But the new homes didn’t work well until she found that one family who finally open their hearts for her and signed a little paper where it said she was theirs. Still, the damage of the continual rejection had been done. She assumed that when people left, as they often did, it was because of her.

  “So the little girl grew up thinking she had to bend over backward for everyone before she could be happy.” She takes a deep breath, her eyes filling with tears but not one make them through the tough barrier she has. “As she grew up, she decided to travel and try to find where she came from.

  “Before she left on her journey, she met a noble knight. He was dashing and charming. He was often busy trying to save the kingdom, hence the little girl didn’t see him much. Meanwhile, she spent her time away, growing into a lovely young woman who could stand on her own two feet and face the world fearlessly.

  “But when they did see each other, it was as if the heavens opened up and everything in the little girl’s life would turn out well. She knew she could trust the knight to keep her heart safe. And in time, they w
ould live happily ever after.”

  Heather smiles, taking over the tale. “That’s the short version of a fairytale I’ve listened to since I was a kid. A story about finding yourself, love at first sight, and never giving up on your dreams. Emphasis on fairytale since the little girl thought for a hot minute that she could trust a peasant like you to be anything but.”

  “You fucked up,” Libby concludes. “She didn’t ask for much, and she gave you all. Will she forgive you? I don’t know, but one wrong word or move and I’ll feed your remains to the bears.”

  I gulp because her story sounds like Jade, but it’s not helpful. Other than saying don’t be demanding, she gave me nothing. “Anything else you can throw my way?”

  She rolls her eyes. “I’ll toss one last tip. She’ll do anything to protect her spawn. That includes keeping you away. So think before you vomit senseless words, and remember who you have to worship before you win her heart again. I’ll text you her address.”

  Heather shuts the door on me without as much as a goodbye. Great, another two people who Jade loves and hate my guts. Getting back on their good side is going to be a bitch. But first, to recover my woman.

  I take a deep breath. I can do this. I got this. I’m getting Jade back. I rush down the steps, jump in the car and pray a Hail Mary before driving through the storm. It takes me almost two hours to arrive downtown and another forty-five to reach her apartment. Who knew she’d live close to our home?

  She slowly opens up, leaving only a gap wide enough to see who knocked. “Hudson?” Jade glances at me like she’s expecting a prank.

  I nod, speechless. My lungs forgot how to function. My heart beats harder against my ribcage by the sight of her. She’s always been beautiful, but today she’s glowing. Her face shines, her long curls fall to the side. For the first time in years, she wears her natural chestnut brown color. There’s something different about her. Still, she’s the same woman I’ve loved from the moment she offered me a drink.

  “Can I help you?” There’s no anger in her words or love. Her silky voice is gone, and the professional one she uses when she talks with her clients is in place. “Because as fun as it’d be to stand here, I can’t. I’m on a deadline.”

  “I’m sorry about earlier. It’s just...” What am I apologizing for? Her assuming I’m with Adriana or being too slow to react to her news? Well, fuck. With this attitude, she’s going to slam the door.

  “No worries. I understand,” she expresses, the contempt isn’t lost on her. “I should’ve made an appointment. It was rude of me to interrupt your alone time with your girlfriend.”

  She straightens her back, swallowing hard. “Congratulations, you got her back.” Her eyes are watery, but her bravado remains. “Now if you don’t mind, I have work to do.”

  “No. You don’t understand.” I place my foot on the edge of the door, holding it open. “Let me explain.”

  “Nothing to explain, it was clear.” She chuckles. With some humorless smirk, she opens the door wider and crosses her arms. “Look, I lost all of this morning. Deadlines have always been important to me, and now they’re essential. I’m emotionally exhausted and beaten to a pulp. I’d love to lie to you and tell you that I’m not hurt, but I am.”

  She huffs. “You moved on.”

  “No. I didn't move on.” I correct her keeping the anger at bay. She’s not letting me explain.

  “Princess, at least give me a chance. Hear me out,” I lower my voice, giving her a pleading look. “She’s nothing to me. We’re friends.”

  “Really, babe?” She gives me a sultry look. “You should discuss that over the weekend with your girlfriend. While hiking up in the mountains.”

  “There’s no trip to the mountains,” I raise my voice a few decibels, but remain calm. “If you must know, we bumped into each other and rekindled our friendship.”

  “You were never friends,” she reminds me. “At least own your actions. She was your on-and-off girlfriend. If you rekindle what you had, it means that you two have a relationship. Which is fine. You’re single.”

  “Damn it. I’m not sleeping with her.” I lower my voice, running a hand through my hair and understanding what she saw, what today looked liked through her eyes. “There’s nothing between Adriana and I, and...can we focus on us. You and me.”

  She closes her eyes, shaking her head. Pain etched in her features. My stomach clenches as I see how much she’s hurting. I fucked up so bad, and I’m unable to do anything to erase any of that pain.

  “Just listen for now, okay?”

  “I don’t see the point,” she whispers, leaning her shoulder against the door frame. “I’m still pregnant.”

  Ignore her. She’s hurting and trying to bait you. “You are my everything, Jade Vance. I spent so many years pathetically moping about you, I guess I forgot how to treat you like the gem you are once you were finally mine. That isn’t an excuse, just an admittance of a stupid fact. You have been there for me every step of the way, since the moment I met you. It didn’t matter if it was about my company, the Golini boys, or if it was four am in Singapore or wherever, and I was drunk texting; you were there. I can’t keep track of the number of times you put your plans on hold to come and hold my hand. It’s taken me too long and losing you to realize how much I’ve fucked up for the past couple of years. I’ve made so many mistakes and didn’t treat you the way you deserve. When you told me about our baby, I should have...”

  “I get it,” she says, unmoved by my words. “Not your thing. Jenna filled that place years ago—”

  “No, wait. If there’s something I’ve learned about life, it’s one simple thing—it goes on.” I decide she’s not going to let me talk unless I stay firm. “Our choices shape us; our emotions give us life.”

  Cupping her chin with both hands, I connect our gazes. “Even when we don’t want the same things, we love each other. Our love is what keeps our hearts beating. You’re who keeps me alive.”

  Between the moment she served me with the most life changing, earth shattering news I’ve received and my drive to her apartment, I’ve had plenty of time to think. Grasping the magnitude of what my life will look like for the next few months—fuck, for the rest of my life—hasn’t happened just yet. However, I realize it changes everything. Our lives, our relationship, and our future. The only sure thing I grasp is I’m having a baby who in time I’ll learn to love and protect.

  “As much as I’d love for us to go back to who we were...” I pause, kissing the tip of her nose. “We can’t. There’s no reset button. Now there’s a baby on the way, a product of that love we’ve shared for so long. I don’t know where we’ll go from here, what’s next for us and what kind of shape we’ll take. But I want us to find a happy place and create something special for our little one.”

  Her eyes become watery and I want to kiss them, then take her lips. Kiss her hard. Deep. Kiss her all night until we find our way back to each other. Kiss her until I find her dormant soul and wake her up. Kissing while taking the pain away, erasing every bad memory.

  I don’t.

  Life doesn’t work that way. There’s so much more at stake, like the happiness of a little person who didn’t ask to come but belongs to us. Our main goal is to assure he or she is safe. Libby didn’t have to give me a lecture of who has become the most important person in Jade’s world. Being the loving and protective person she is, I know our baby has become her everything.

  “I want to believe you,” she whispers, her lips so close to mine I can taste them. She moves away from my grasp, taking a step back. “But I can’t.”

  “Why not?” I swear under my breath; my blood is boiling. The anger isn’t toward her, but myself. I fucked up so much that she’s not allowing me inside her heart. I feel completely helpless.

  She places her hands on top of her belly. “Because I have to protect my baby.”

  “From me?”

  “Of course,” she says her voice growing forceful. “Just think wha
t’ll happen in five or six years, when she thinks her father is coming to see her and he can’t because he’s with his other children. Do you think Adriana will let you be a father to my child? I know how it is to be the one left behind, pushed around. My baby won’t suffer that fate. Now, leave.”

  Great, she has crafted a story about our future. She's already imagining the worst case scenarios. It’s useless to convince her that Adriana and I aren’t together.

  “Jade, give me one chance,” I beg her. Understanding her fear, and putting the must important person in Jade’s world first. Our baby. “Let’s try to find a compromise, do it for the baby. If I fail, you can tell me to fuck off. I’ll sign whatever Claire gives me.”

  She stares at me for the longest time. I hold my breath, while praying she will give me a chance. “You’ll sign without a fight?”

  “Only if I screw up,” I make it clear. “But I won’t. You won’t regret giving me a chance. I’ll work hard to show that I want to do the right thing.”

  “Do you actually mean it? Because it’s not about us. We are over. That chapter has to close, and we have to find a new normal. From this moment forward, it’s about the baby.”

  “When have I ever broken a promise?”

  “Never,” she admits.

  Chapter 27

  Jade

  After Hudson left, I tried to repress the anger, sadness, and searing pain that seeing him with his girlfriend created. It wasn’t until I finished my project that I let myself cry. I shed tears for what I lost, for what we’ll never have and mostly for the vivid picture of what Hudson will have with either Adriana or another woman. Someone he loves enough to create a beautiful family with. Not me. It was never me. If only I had listened to Claire and Ben. I be hurting so much.

  Today I’m doing better. After all, Hudson promised to find a happy place for our child. From now on, we’d be friends who in a few months will share the responsibility of raising a kid. If only I didn’t feel lonely. What I’d give to have someone to share everything with. The fun, the strange and the bad. Like Morning sickness which loves to creep up on me during the night. When I’m finally done vomiting, I hear the doorbell. It’s him wearing his winter coat and a pair of sweat pants.