Finding My Reason

by Claudia Burgoa

  Why am I torturing myself?

  “You walked out on me a few months ago,” he grips, his jaw muscles harden. His eyes are focused solely on the road.

  “I didn’t see any other option,” I grumble. Does he think I did it for the sake of leaving? It hurt. Walking away hurt like hell. “I already said I didn’t want to force you—”

  “Right, I got that,” he cuts me off. “But why didn’t you stay? Fight for us and what you wanted?”

  I can’t help but laugh. It sounds a little cruel and hollow, but that’s pretty accurate for this situation. “There was no way to convince you to marry me. What would I be fighting for? The last of your patience as you kick me out for being a nuisance?”

  “Do you think I’m an idiot?”

  That catches me off guard. “No?”

  “You’re constantly under the impression I was putting off dumping you.” His brows furrow. “Why would I be stupid enough to be with someone I didn’t love for years on end?”

  “Complacency and stupidity aren’t the same thing,” I argue.

  “So now I’m a complacent jackass?” He slams his hands against the steering wheel.

  “You said it, not me,” I lower my voice. I’m not interested in talking anymore.

  “You know what I’m interested in? What’s your problem? Why are you so determined to be unhappy?”

  I feel tears stinging my eyes. I blink them back as hard as I can. He won’t break me. He’s playing some stupid game for a reason. I laugh to spite him. “You’re the only one who’s unhappy here. I’m just trying to get by.”

  He slams the breaks as he almost runs a red light. I fight the urge to scream. “That’s my point! I can tell you I love you until I’m blue in the face and it makes no difference. Here I am, fighting for you. Showing you that I can be the man you want and you don’t see it. You’re impossible.”

  “So you work hard to pretend to be who I want. Oh God, you’re doing all this out of obligation aren’t you.” I start fidgeting with the door. “Let me out right here.”

  “We’re a minute away from your building,” he informs me.

  “Exactly.” I try to open the door. He counters by locking the door with his automatic switch. He’s so infuriating.

  “What are you doing?” I hiss.

  “Not letting you quit on us, sweetheart,” he grunts.

  “I thought we weren’t worth saving.” I can’t think of anything else to say, I’m tongue tied. Flustered about the new development. He sees me as an obligation he has to fulfill. I’m such an idiot for believing in him.

  “I never said we weren’t.” There’s a small twitch to his lips. “I’m under no obligation to love you, but I am trying hard to be the man who deserves your love.”

  My heart is pumping blood faster than usual. Why is he torturing me?

  “Before you go, I want you to tell you something.” He parks right in front of my building, turning off the engine. His body twists and he faces me. His penetrating eyes on me. “I wasn’t worried that our marriage would fail.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “You wonder why I didn’t marry you. You swear that you weren’t enough,” he explains and my hands begin to fidget with the strands of my hair. “It was fear. Do you know how many times you left me behind since I met you? Many. If we didn’t marry, the day that you decided to call it off, it wouldn’t be messy.”

  My eyes widen with the revelation. It was never my intention to leave him.

  He glances to his left, as he rubs his chin. “The first time...I tried to move on and started dating Adriana. But I couldn’t do it—forget you.” With that statement, he climbs down the car, walking around and opening my door.

  I bite the inside of my cheek, uncertain of what to say.

  “It isn’t you. I’m the one who missed his chance to marry the love of his life.” His eyes remain glued to mine. There’s a hint of a smile on his mouth. My brain is working hard to catch up with what his said, trying to find the right words to keep him at arm’s length. But I’m thunderstruck.

  He bends slightly, using his thumb to smooth my forehead. “No need to think of a comeback. I can see it in your face. The fear that if you let me in, I’ll hurt you again. I’ll work hard to erase it, while winning your trust—and your heart. See you at dinner time.” He places his hand on the back of my neck, resting his lips on top of my head. My heart is beating erratically, and my head hurts trying to decode his words.

  Chapter 29

  Jade

  April 20th, 2016

  “You didn’t have to come,” Hudson murmurs.

  “I’m sure it’ll be okay. It’s been years since the last time we saw each other.” I square my shoulders and look around the arriving area, and I see them coming out of the elevator. We’re trying to compromise, find a place where we can be friends and support each other. This should be a perfect way to show some growth from my part. Jenna pushes Brad’s stroller with a hand on Emmett’s child leash. Grant is straggling behind her. She’s searching when her eyes land on me. Her glee and large wave scare me. She’s not usually this friendly. “See, she’s happy to see us.”

  Jenna rushes to meet us, throwing me into a hug—also weird of her. I must have woken up in an alternate reality where Jenna’s easy to get along with.

  “Hi, how are you doing, sweetie?” she continues to gush as she straightens out her shirt and hair. Then hugs Hudson. “What kind of face cream do you use? You two look ageless.”

  “Umm, I’ve been fine. How are you?” I giggle to mask my nervousness. Why is she changing her attitude? Is she on crack?

  “Fantastic!” she exclaims. “I didn’t get decaf this morning, and I couldn’t be more chipper. Now, where to?”

  “Why are you here, Jenna?” Hudson cranks his neck once the children are buckled up on the car seats the Golini lent us. “A call from your husband saying: your sister should be landing in about an hour is unacceptable.”

  Robert called only an hour before she arrived. Hudson was at home. Worry etched across his face thinking that something bad happened to his sister. Robert said she just felt like visiting, that there wasn’t anything wrong.

  “Dad told me about your happy news.” She tilts her head toward me. “I wanted to come and see how I can help.”

  “Keep your poisonous mouth in check and we’ll be alright,” Hudson warns her, helping her into the back seat. As he closes the door, he lifts my chin and kisses my nose. “Stay close to me; I don’t trust her.”

  “She seems like a changed woman.” I remain focused on him, trying reason with him. He has to trust his sister. She looks like maturity finally kicked in. “People change.”

  “If you say so.”

  Hudson drives to Red Robin. Jenna makes small talk by asking about the baby. Hudson deflects by talking about his family and his company. The way to the Children’s Museum is mostly quiet except for the kids’ music channel I can find. Hudson and I have to revise our musical taste, or our child will end up listening to a lot of guitar screeching and cussing lyrics. Once in the museum, the children begin to touch and play with everything they are allowed to. It’s not until the boys are running around, Hudson is watching them, and Brad is napping in his stroller that Jenna starts to ask questions.

  “So, have you and Hudson worked out custody yet?” Jenna keeps a tight smile on her face.

  I discreetly glance around the area searching for him. Custody?

  I begin to feel the pit of my stomach cramping as I rack my brain about it and wonder if he’s considering to take me to court and this is all a front. What happened to us being a united front? A family. Once I pinpoint him my stomach tightens. He’s not alone. Adriana is next to him. Am I being set up?

  “Not yet,” I bluff, studying my nails while thinking about my next move. “There’s still a lot of things we need to iron out with the pregnancy.”

  “Well, that’s all right.” She glances over her shoulder, checking on her sons. “
It’s easier if you do the arbitration before the baby’s born, however.”

  “Jenna, I appreciate the advice,” I mutter. “But this isn’t any of your business.”

  “That’s what Hudson said eight years ago when he dumped his girlfriend because of you.” She shakes her head. “Look at them. She’s perfect, you know. The girl of his dreams all wrapped into one cute, elegant package.”

  She glowers at me. “He left her for...well, you. If it hadn’t been for you, they’d be married with several kids and a white picket fence. Instead, we’re here, trying to find a way to protect an innocent child who didn’t ask to come into an effed situation.”

  Her words stab me right in the center of the heart. He’d be married if it wasn’t for me. Is that it? Is Adriana the reason why he didn’t marry me? She’s the one who got away, and I’m the consolation prize to his broken heart? As I start feeling sorry for myself, I catch it. Jenna’s smirk. Fucking bitch. She never fails to find a way to hurt me.

  • • •

  Hudson

  Jenna is synonymous with bad news. Even black cats avoid crossing paths with her.

  “Hud, I’m so happy to see you finally.” Adriana squeezes my arm.

  My sister, of course. That explains it. Bloody wench.

  I hurry toward Jenna and notice Jade’s pale face. What the fuck just happened?

  “So why are you really in town, Jenna?” I confront her, bringing my hands up, clasping them around my neck.

  Her head flips back and forth between Adriana and me. Jenna's smile widens.

  “Dad told me that you and the bitch had broken up,” she says in a small voice. “But that you knocked her up. I’m a mother, and decided to come here and make sure your child is taken care of. We have to move fast if we want to win this.”

  I blink twice, staring at her incredulously. “What the fuck are you talking about?” I growl.

  “Watch your mouth.” She angles her once again to look at the kids and moves closer to me. “I’m talking about the custody battle. Now hear me out because Adriana is on board.”

  “Stop while you’re ahead,” I warn her in a low voice because we're in a public place and surrounded by children.

  “Please, Hudson. Listen to your sister,” Adriana adds caressing my arm.

  “Look at both of them. You can’t seriously think that Jade is the right choice.” Jenna’s venomous voice has me frozen in place. Has she lost her fucking mind? “If you marry Adriana, you’ll have the perfect mother for your child. Ditch the hippy.”

  My eyes widen as she spins some crazy shit that includes the two most important people in my life. Jade and Dragon.

  “You have the financial stability that she doesn’t,” she speaks quickly, pulling her phone and reading. “We can use her old articles to show how she’s never lived in just one place. I mean, look where she lives. If she thinks she can trap you with a child to get some of your money, she’s wrong.”

  Definitely, she has lost all common sense. I wave Adriana’s grasp and use a firm voice. “Jade and I are leaving.”

  “Be reasonable, Hudson.”

  “You be reasonable, Jenna. You have no idea what you’re talking about,” I continue.

  “You think she’ll stick around, Hudson? Really?” Her voice begins to escalate; her tone becomes pure singing shrill. She gets in my face attempting to intimidate me. “She’s a glorified artist, she has no career, money or maternal instinct. If it weren’t for your company, where would she be? Even if she tries to play mother, you don’t know how much damage she could do to a child by leaving.”

  "Are you done with this pitiful display?" Jade stares at Jenna for a moment. Her nostrils flaring. “I suggest you lower your tone, Jenna. For the sake of your children. You’re getting a lot of attention.”

  “You’ll never be Mrs. Hudson Drago,” Jenna attacks her with her poisonous tongue. “He claims to love you, but when Brad was born and I asked if he’d marry you, he said no. Never. You’re not that girl, the marrying kind.”

  My heart constricts as Jade reels backward. My sister just sucker punched her. But it only takes seconds for her to square her shoulders and cross her arms. “You’re too old to continue this behavior, Jenna.” She angels her face. “Sure, when you were little you could say that being abandoned by your mother created this angsty kid or teenager. Once you are old enough to know better, you only look like a pathetic excuse of a human who likes to spread hate among others. Do me a favor and stay away from my child.”

  “You took him away from me,” Jenna accuses Jade. Fuck. When I turn back, I see her index finger pointing at me. “But it’s over. You won’t trap him. Not even with that bastard child.”

  I flinch as I hear how my own sister maliciously talks about my baby.

  “Stop!” I order trying to approach Jade who slips further and further away from me. “I don’t want to see you ever again, Jenna. You just crossed the line.”

  Jade slips on her jacket and stares at the three of us, then talks to Jenna, “I never tried to take him away from you, Jenna.” Her business-like voice is taking the center of the stage. Her body is trembling with anger. “If anything, I was the one making sure he remembered and sent a present on your birthday, Christmas or for any other fucking occasion. Should had had him sent you one while you were PMS'ing. Who do you think bought and packed all those toys for your children?”

  “Jade.” I try to reach her, but she shakes her head.

  Then, she eyes Adriana, and her facial expression hardens. “I didn’t like you because you dated Hudson. Today I can freely say that I despise you. Planning on taking a child from her mother... Only a cold hearted bitch would do that.”

  “Jade.” I try to get her attention again.

  “You fucked up for the last time, Hudson,” she whispers. “I will have Claire draw up the custodial papers unless you would like to terminate your parental rights and make it all easier for you. Perhaps I will ask her to throw in a restraining order against Jenna.”

  “Where are you going?”

  She pushes herself away from my grasp. “The Golinis.” She presses her lips, her watery eyes drowning in fear. “Unfortunately your sister makes sense. On paper any judge will hand you over Dragon without giving me a second glance. We can make this situation uncomplicated and just terminate your parental rights without protest.”

  “What are you saying?” I try to even my breathing. “I’d never do anything to hurt you. Fuck, Jade. Don't tell me you're going to listen to what they said.”

  “I can’t trust you, I need a paper that tells me my baby will be safe—with me,” she explains.

  “I need someone to reassure me that Dragon will always be by my side,” she clarifies with a trembling voice. “Once again you were right, Hudson. I should’ve stayed away from Jenna.”

  “Me.” I press an open palm on my chest. “I am the one who can reassure you that Dragon will always be by your side—by our side. Not a paper.”

  She gives me a sad smile, and I get it. Once again I underestimate the power of what a legal document represents to her.

  “Jade, wait. I’ll drive you.”

  “Who is going to take me to my hotel?” My sister whines.

  “I can take care of myself, Hudson.” Her gaze finishes the phrase with an I don’t need you. She races toward the door without glancing back at me. My heart stops as I know that this time, I might have lost my little family.

  “Are you fucking kidding me, Jenna?” I raise my voice and get some sick satisfaction when she jolts. “You are playing with my life, my future. I’m trying to convince Jade that she can trust me because I royally fucked up beyond forgiveness, and you just destroyed everything. She is my other half. My fucking soulmate. I can’t live without her. Jade is fucking everything to me. I waited my whole life for her.

  “With a snap of your venomous mouth you’ve destroyed any hope I had with Jade. She is on her way to visit her cousin who happens to be a fucking damn good attorney.
For all I know, tomorrow she will have me served and execute my demise. Without a chance in hell of defended myself! Why?”

  “She took you away from us,” my sister persists. “You used to go home often, and then...every time I asked you to come and visit, you’d bring the abandoner, or you would say that you rather stay with her.”

  I crack my knuckles as I hear her stupid explanation. Fuck, Dad and I did a poor pissed job raising her. Mostly Dad. I was a kid. “I’m done with you, Jenna. Stay the fuck out of my life. You better pray that I don’t lose my family after your fucked up theatrical scene. I should give you an Oscar for best supporting actress you fucking earned it.”

  “We are your family. Not her.”

  “Get your children and a cab to take you back to the hotel. I’m not driving you.”

  “Hudson,” Adriana speaks up.

  “You want to know why I chose her?” I snap at her, forgetting I’m among children and that I should keep my voice leveled. “Because I’ve been in love with her since I first set my eyes on her at Brody's wedding. I fell in love with her wit, the way she transforms an ordinary moment into an extraordinary event. She's owns my soul and heart. She is my life! Get it though your damn pathetic head. Capisce”

  I don't even finish packing my sister’s stuff and walk off as if Hades himself were licking the heels on my feet. Once I’m back in the car I try to call Jade but she sends me to voicemail.

  Me: Text me when Jade arrives at your house.

  Brody: She’s already here. My wife is about to cut your head.

  Me: Take care of my girls, please.

  Brody: You’re having a girl?

  Me: Not the point. I’m on my way.

  When I arrived, Brody invited me to his man cave, we spoke for a couple of hours, but they didn’t let me see Jade. She wanted to have some time to think about the Jenna incident.

  “What a bitch,” Claire enters the cave and pours herself a glass of wine. “If I ever see your sister, I’m going to drag her by the hair and claw her eyes out until she apologizes to Jade.”