Finding My Reason

by Claudia Burgoa

  I run a hand through my hair. “How is she doing?”

  “Sleeping like a baby after I prepared...” she shakes her head. “She’ll call you tomorrow. I recommended that you both have legal council ...we’ll talk more after Jade tells you her decision.”

  “Fuck.” I pull my hair while shaking my head. “No. No.”

  My heart is being ripped out of my chest. “No, Claire. She can’t take Dragon away from me. I love her. I love my girls. She has to give me another chance. This time, it wasn’t me.”

  Claire looks down at the floor. Brody pats my shoulder.

  My body aches all over, my heart feels heavy. No, I can’t lose them. But Jade warned me. She’d do anything to protect our baby. My legs weaken and I drop on my knees as my world comes crashing down. I think I’ve died.

  I lost them.

  Breaking down, folding into a tight ball on the floor I let out everything I’ve been suppressing for the past months. The floodgates open as the tears fall. Men don’t cry Dad told me when Mom left. I don’t believe those words. Men can and should cry when they realize they’ve lost their reason to live.

  “I can’t lose them, Claire.” Finally, I’m able to compose myself. “They’re my reason to exist. Jade taught me how to love. She brought light to my life since the day I met her. Without her I will be in darkness. When I came to ask for her phone it wasn’t to chat, it was because I missed her. Because I was already falling in love. What do I do?”

  “Hudson...” She holds me in her arms. “I’m sorry, sweetie.”

  “Help me, Claire.”

  “You’re going to have to yield. Sign what Jade asks, but continue doing what you’ve done for the past few weeks.” She rubs my back the same way she does with her children. “She is scared. Give her some time to remember who you are.”

  Slowly, I stand up and give her another hug. “Take care of them.”

  Brody walks me to the door. “Call if you need me.” He grips my shoulder.

  I give him a brotherly hug and drive back to my apartment. There’s a message where Adriana apologizes for her poor behavior. I delete it. On the next one, Robert demands I check on my sister. I delete it too. Instead of checking my email, I walk to my old office and get to work. I had a bad day, but if I want Jade back, I have to continue working hard to win her trust. One inning lost, but the home team holds the ball and the game isn’t over yet.

  Chapter 30

  Jade

  May 13th, 2016

  I’m in front of Mom’s and ready to spend the morning with her. Avoiding my ex-boyfriend and trying to forget the foul taste of Jenna’s visit. She scared me. The rational side of my brain knows that Hudson wouldn’t take Dragon away, but the idea of losing my baby is unbearable. Brody pressed on the fact that Hudson loves me and would never hurt me deliberately. Claire prepared a custody agreement where Hudson will only get a few visitations a year, but she reminded that everyone deserves to be heard.

  I heard him yesterday loud and clear while he asked Claire to help him. His voice wailing: “No, Claire. She can’t take Dragon away from me,” resonated through the entire house. I rushed downstairs and heard every word he said. My heart hurt for him, and I wanted to reach out but hesitated. I felt like we both needed some time apart before talking about Jenna and us.

  Perhaps after the sonogram? Today we get to meet Dragon, and I’m nervous, excited and jittery about it. I decided that the best way to find my Zen place is by spending my morning with Mom.

  When she opens the door, she hugs me so tight, and I feel safe. “How’s my baby?” She backs up. “Let me get a look at you.” Mom makes me twirl. “Sweetheart, you’re getting there, all right. How’s my grandbaby?”

  “Baby’s fine,” I assure her.

  Mom looks at me, puzzled. “You guys haven’t found out if you’re having a boy or a girl?”

  I shrug. “No, the ultrasound is later today. Hence I planned on taking the day off.”

  “I heard about Jenna.” Of course, she did. We, Vances, have a great communication system. I roll my eyes as she lets me into the house and closes the door behind me. “One good spanking when she was little would have taught her that the world doesn’t spin around her.”

  “You never spanked me.”

  “Because you’re sweet since you were little. And the world does revolve around you.” She laughs at her own joke.

  “Hudson must be hurting,” she settles down. “How are things between the two of you?”

  My eyes look around the room, but I don’t answer.

  “Dear, you’re scared,” she says, assessing me perfectly. Scared is putting it mildly. “You have every right to be scared. I was scared when I had Ben.”

  “You were still in school, Mom,” I point out. I head to the living room and take possession of her leather recliner.

  “Yes, dear, but I made it a point to get help when I needed it.” She scrutinizes my appearance. “If you think you can’t rely on him, then you have a big problem. Maybe finding a way to co-parent and being friends is the way to go between you. Not all big loves can become great stories. You can’t hope it’ll get better someday. That child will be here before you know it.”

  Can ours be considered a great love?

  “He’s trying but...I keep second-guessing myself,” I confess. “What are we doing? Is it working? Are we on the right track?”

  “You are stronger than you think.” She grabs my shoulders and squeezes them. “But things are different than they used to be. The only real question you have to ask is, does he make you happy?”

  “Yes, most of the times,” I say without thought. “Maybe a signed paper doesn’t matter. No. But, Mom, he didn’t want the baby, and what if right now he’s invested but tomorrow he decides we’re not enough for him. One day he’s going to wake up and realize he’s living a life he never wanted. What then? Should I stop working hard in this make-believe relationship? Is it worth it?”

  “Anything worth having is worth working for.” Her tone is both sweet and stern like I should know better. “What makes it difficult is when your heart isn’t there anymore. Do yourself a favor, Jade. Think long and hard about who he is to you and if you love him enough to wait until he’s caught up to you.”

  “Caught up to me?” I look at her funny.

  Mom gives me one of her most brilliant smiles. “His heart’s in the right place, baby. He loves you and kisses the ground you walk in. You just need to wait for his mind to catch up.”

  • • •

  “Hi,” I greet Hudson who is outside the medical offices wearing a casual button down shirt and a pair of washed down jeans. “Thought you were going to work this morning.”

  “You haven’t answered any of my calls.” He closes his eyes and shoves his hands inside his pockets. I flinch as I see his pained expressions sketched all over that handsome face.

  “Needed some Mom time,” I inform him. “Today is important and ...I know your sister is an entirely different person. That doesn’t mean her words didn’t hurt. She’s vicious.”

  His eyes open and he closes the space between us. “I’m sorry about her,” as usual, he apologizes. “You know what pisses me the most. She had no idea that her tantrum might’ve cost me my entire future—or she doesn’t care.”

  “Nothing changed between us, Hud.” I lift my hand squeezing his forearm.

  “You mean it?” He releases a heavy breath and finally smiles at me. I bob my head. “But I had a speech ready.”

  “Hold your thoughts. We are meeting Dragon.” I tilt my head toward the door. “Let’s go upstairs. Our appointment is in a few minutes.”

  “Can you come home with me after we’re done here?” I’m about to say no when he places his index finger on top of my lips. “Please. If only for a few minutes.”

  I nod, and we head to the office where I fill out some forms and hand them over to the receptionist once I’m done she reviews them and asks. “Will you be paying with cash or card?”
<
br />   “Card,” Hudson says handing her his black Amex as he continues reading the brochure. “Make sure you book her for the complete package.”

  “Actually,” I smile at both. “Karen and I have an agreement. I made those brochures in exchange of this session.”

  Hudson nods as he studies the brochure closer. “Nice. The session you booked is for five minutes and to find out the gender. We need to have the video, and a double session. We can see her face once she’s older.”

  “Oh lord, you’re going to be filming our child all the time, aren’t you?”

  “Just like you’ll be taking pictures.” He leans down and kisses my nose. And this feels so natural. Normal. The way it should’ve been since the beginning. Are we okay now?

  “Jade Vance,” I’m called before I think more about us.

  “Should be Jade Drago,” Hudson murmurs in my ear. “It’ll soon be Jade Drago.”

  I don’t have time to assimilate those words because he drags me toward the sonogram room where the nurse waits for us and hands me a cotton sheet.

  “Lay down on the table. You don’t need to undress,” she explains. “Just lower your leggings down to the pelvic area, lift your shirt above your abdomen, and if you need, you can use this to cover yourself. The technician should be here soon.”

  She points to the big machine in front of me. “That’s the main screen. On the left is the second one, a bigger one to appreciate the ultrasound best.”

  “Thank you.” I smile at her, following her instructions.

  Hudson takes my hand and kisses it. “Those brochures look fantastic. But you don’t have to make deals, though. Let me take care of you, Jade.”

  “Good morning,” the technician greets us, interrupting Hudson’s attempt to have a conversation about my finances. “Mom and Dad, ready to meet your baby?”

  I nod as I watch him take a seat and put on his latex gloves. “I’m going to squeeze some gel and slide the wand around your belly to take some measures. If you have any questions while I speak, stop me and I’ll answer them.”

  He taps the computer, squeezes the gel, and as the wand touches my belly, some swishing sounds come from the computer. “Ah, there we are.” The silhouette of a baby appears on the screen. As promised, the ultrasound allows us to have a perfect picture of him or her, not the typical grainy picture.

  “Is that noise normal?” Hudson, who I now notice is right in front of the second screen, asks.

  “The beating sound?” the technician asks, Hudson nods. “That’s the baby’s heartbeat, which is also normal.”

  He’d know if he had gone to any of my regular visits. Unfortunately, he’s always busy. Today he made an exception because he wanted to meet the baby and learn the genre.

  “Let’s see,” the technician continues. “If we move around here...we can safely say that we’re having a baby girl.”

  Hudson’s hand touches the screen. His shoulders slump and his head shakes. “Our baby,” he whispers, not moving for several minutes. Once the technician ends, he hands me a USB drive with the recorded ultrasound. Hudson turns around, looking devastated.

  “I’m sorry. For not listening months ago when you ask for the most wonderful thing in the world,” he says, grabbing my hand with one of his and resting his other hand on top of my belly.

  “Please, don’t take her away from me,” he begs, his eyes watery.

  “I wouldn’t dare,” I respond lifting my hand to caress his jaw. “We’ll find a way. We always do.”

  He kisses my bump and then forehead. “Thank you for letting me meet our little dragon.”

  There it is, in his eyes, the love I expected from a man who loves fearlessly for his own baby. A ray of hope warms my lonely heart as I feel this might be the beginning of something new. Not sure what, but whatever we come up with will be the best for our little dragon.

  “Congratulations!” I squeeze his hand. “You’re going to be a dad.”

  He helps me down and takes me into his arms, resting his lips on top of my forehead.

  “We are going to be parents.” My arms go around his torso, my head leaning on his chest. The heat of his body slips through, warming my heart filling it completely. Maybe this is one of those big loves that are meant to be. We just have to find each other.

  • • •

  Though I agree to go to Hudson’s place, after the sonogram I received a voicemail from a frantic client who needed me to add a few new pictures and update her prices on her website. He drove me home but not before I promised to swing by his place after I was done. He handed me my key, but I knock on the door before I unlock it myself. I’m not even sure if he’s home right now. Maybe I should’ve called. I push the door open slowly. I think I’m psyching myself out a little. That’s okay, there’s no one in the living room.

  “Anybody home?” I yell as I drop my purse on the front table.

  “Just a second!” I hear a voice coming from...his office?

  Hudson comes out of his home office. He’s wearing the cheapest pair of shorts he owns. Plus, this ratty Dreadful Souls t-shirt I thought I got rid of last year.

  He closes the gap between us, kissing me so passionately my knees bend the slightest bit. “Hi, princess,” he whispers into my lips as he continues to devour my mouth.

  “Hi.” I moan against him, my insides melting as my heart thunders inside my ribcage.

  “Fuck, I've missed kissing you.” Hudson finally breaks us apart. “I know there’s a lot we have to talk about, but I got to show you something.”

  “Okay?” I let him drag me to his office. He covers my eyes with his hand before he opens the door. What is it? A new set of stocks, a new computer that will run at the speed of light, or maybe he redecorated because he’s planning to... I don’t know.

  “Are you ready?” He sounds like he could pee himself from anticipation.

  “Yes?” I can’t seem to grasp any excitement.

  He lifts his hand from mine. I gasp.

  The carpet has been completely refurbished, the walls repainted with white and soft gray and pink polka dots. There’s a white crib in the far corner of the room, already set up with bedding and stuffed animals. On the opposite side is the most comfortable looking rocking chair I’ve ever seen. The walls have cartoon pink and gray dragons flying in all directions,

  “Pink,” I mutter. It takes my mind a second to catch up. “You knew?”.

  He kisses my temple. “I just knew. I’ve dreamt of her too, you know.” He looks completely at peace. He walks farther into the room, leaving me to gawk. “Our little girl who looks like you and has my eyes. I used the images from your Pinterest to create the perfect nursery for Dragon?”

  “This is...beautiful.” I walk around the room, amazed at the detail and his hard work. Also impressed and moved because he gave up his office to our dragon. “How long have you been working on this?”

  “Weeks. Mostly at night.” He winds the dragon mobile on top of the crib that matches the walls. “I know you’re planning a getaway or just giving up on us.”

  “Some days I do,” I mutter. “Want to give up because I am afraid. But others I want to work hard to find that compromise.”

  “Not sure what’s there to worry, princess.” He opens the brand new shutters, letting some of the evening sun rays filter inside the room. “We’re a family. Families stay together forever. I want to take care of you, find a nice house with a big backyard where our little dragon can play. When I said I love you years ago, it meant: I love you forever. As I asked to find a reason to stay with me, it was in hopes that you’d never leave again. Leading this relationship with fear wasn’t smart. At the beginning of the year, it hurt seeing you leave. But the biggest fear is not only losing you but losing Dragon too.

  “I understand your trepidation and will give you space to think about our future while I beg you to let me win your heart.” He leans against the wall, his eyes waiting for my reaction. I stare back waiting for... more? “I’m not a
sking you to find a reason. I’m planning on giving you plenty of reasons to stay beside me—forever.”

  “Wow,” is all I can say, holding the tears at bay. Maybe we are on the same page, and maybe what we have works for us, and we don’t need to talk more. Instead, we should plan. And then after sitting down in the rocking chair and enjoying the euphoric sensation the back pillow has on my spine, I also add, “Thank you, I love it. I love you.”

  He kneels in front of me, takes my hand and pecks it. “Anything for you, princess.”

  Once he says those words, I break into a loud laugh. He takes me into his arms. “I’m trying hard. Tell me what I’m missing to make you happy. Let me take care of you. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, to see you smile, and no matter what I do, I fail.”

  He hasn’t failed, has he? It was both of us not communicating what we needed form one another. We let our fears lead our hearts. We both obsessed with a situation that didn’t matter as much as the love we had. But I don’t know if he understands what I say, as I keep sobbing. Tears washing the pain the past months caused, seeing him hurting the same way I’ve hurt. Hud carries me to our old bed, hugging me tight and telling me little nonsense words to calm me down. At some point I settle down enough to nap.

  When I wake up, I’m on the bed wearing one of his t-shirts and a pair of sweats. My head rests on top of him; he’s letting me use his chest as a pillow while carding his fingers through my long hair. I wonder when I stopped trusting him to be there for me. Why I let us slip so far away? But it wasn’t my sole responsibility to maintain this relationship. As I see him, a part of me wants to apologize, to reach out and say everything went too far. That I can’t remember the last time I was this up in the air about anything and everything feels temporary nowadays. And that it isn’t his fault, that I know he’s trying his hardest. I want to say he’s missing the point of “good enough.” It doesn’t mean he’s lacking; it means I’m working to catch up to where he sees us.