Finding My Reason

by Claudia Burgoa

I want to say that if I could forget about settling down, I would.

  “I’m not scared of but,” I mumble into his chest. “I’m scared of and.”

  “And,” he repeats more to himself than anything.

  “And what if this happens? And then what? And how could that workout?” I elaborate. “But’s are final, definitive. ‘And’ leaves me in a casino in Bangkok with two dollars and no real explanation of how to get back to my hotel. And what am I supposed to do about that, they ask.”

  “Some days I feel like there’s no one who knows Jade better than me,” he confesses. “And sometimes I feel like you are a stranger. ‘And’ can be scary.”

  “Knowing me doesn’t have to mean knowing about me. You know all the important stuff.”

  “I don’t know when your real birthday is,” he mentions.

  “Neither do I, so don’t worry.”

  “I’m afraid that one morning I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone again.” He squeezes me a little tighter. “But this time it’ll be forever.”

  “I’m afraid you’ll wake up one morning, look over at me, and realize you don’t love me anymore. You won’t see the twenty-three-year-old at the peak of her freedom,” I counter.

  He laughs a little; the irony isn’t lost on him.

  “Look at us.” He reaches for my right hand, rubbing circles into my palm. “I was gunning to bang this girl at a wedding. I was supposed to have fun and move on. Now I can’t breathe at the thought of you ever being out of my grasp. Being so far from you suffocates me.”

  “I met this guy I really wanted to kiss.” I pull his hand closer to me, kissing the backside, and then the palm. “I thought he was going to be a dream. A perfect, delusional dream I would keep in my heart until I had my life in order. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love.”

  “When did you?” He kisses my temple.

  “I was in Barcelona, the stars were bright, the music was intoxicating,” I describe for him. “I had been approached by some men. That night...I couldn’t. I felt like I was betraying you. It was a month before Michael was born. The next day I got on a flight and came home. You had a girlfriend; it nearly killed me.”

  “The first time you held Mikey,” he offers, “I had never seen anything so pure in my entire life. I thought to myself, ‘for all the fucked up shit out there, how could I be so lucky to have found her?’ I broke up with the girlfriend right away.”

  I choke back a sob. “I need to feel wanted.”

  “I want to feel needed.”

  I close my eyes. “I’m paranoid, obsessive and stubborn.”

  “I’m vindictive, obsessive and stubborn.” He lifts my chin up, forcing me to look at him. His eyes are so empty, so vulnerable.

  “We had it once,” he mutters, his lips brushing my ear. “The love. A love strong enough it withstood time, distance, and chaos. We know how to live with chaos, how to battle against inclement weather and evil wizards. It’s just a matter of patience, and will.”

  “I’ll never become your perfect girl,” I concede.

  “That’s okay.” He tilts his chin, so his lips are an inch from mine. He runs a finger down my belly. “This is my perfect girl. And you are the incredibly perfect love of my life. From the moment I met you, I knew you were my dreams come true.”

  I burst into ugly, horrible, relieved tears, clinging onto him for dear life. At this moment, I know we’re going to be fine.

  We’re more than enough.

  Epilogue

  Hudson

  September 18th, 2016

  “Did you have a good birthday?” I pull Jade closer to me.

  “I think I ate an entire cheesecake all by myself,” she points out resting her head on my chest. “My back is killing me, and I can’t seem to find a comfortable position. But I did enjoy my party. Thank you.”

  “She really needs a name,” I remind her, placing my hand on top of her belly. There are two things we haven’t done yet. Find the perfect name or getting married. The latter will have to wait until I find the way to do it just right. A proposal that will sweep her off her feet and the wedding of her dreams. For now, I’m focusing on one. “Dragon is due any day now.”

  “Nothing can top Dragon,” Jade argues softly.

  “She doesn’t have to stop being Dragon...but we can’t put that on a birth certificate.”

  “True.” Her brown eyes perk up. “What kind of name are we looking for? I don’t think we ever figured that out.”

  I shrug. “I was thinking something traditional and classy. Maybe a middle name that’s a little more fun in case she gets bored.”

  “Huh,” she reacts. “That’s what I was thinking. Something underrated, though.”

  “Why underrated?”

  “I’d hate for her to have ten other girls with her name in every class she’s in.” Jade shifts over slightly. “Sorry, it’s hard to get comfortable with all of this baby sitting on me.”

  “Don’t apologize,” I chastise her. I bend down to kiss her bump. “Hey, kid, what should we name you? We are desperate.”

  Jade laughs. So do I.

  “Come on, give us a clue you little bundle of joy.”

  Dragon kicks softly. Jade has this weird expression on her face. It’s like she’s smiling? But she’s also doing a long division mentally at the same time.

  “Say that again,” she says hesitantly.

  “You little bundle of joy?” What’s she getting at?

  “Joy,” she repeats. The baby kicks again.

  “What? Joy? Seriously?”

  She snaps out of her musings. “You’re right. That’s too cheesy. What sounds like that?”

  “Joy?” I turn around to grab a baby name book. Flipping through the alphabet quickly, I find the page with Joy in it. “Joyce.”

  “Joyce,” she mulls the word in her mouth. “Joyce Drago... It’s missing something.”

  “What? Like a middle name?”

  Jade shakes her head. “No, I think that’s her middle name. We need a first name.” She holds out her hand expectantly. I pass her the book. She doesn’t even turn the page when she says, “Julia.”

  “Julia,” I say again. The baby kicks a little harder this time. “Julia Joyce Drago. She could be Jules.”

  “Or JJ,” Jade offers.

  “JJ the Dragon.” I laugh at the ridiculous name, but it’s so perfect for our baby girl. “How does that sound to you, kid? Can you live with JJ?”

  The baby seems happy enough at this suggestion.

  “JJ.” Jade grins touching her back. “Our little jewel, Julia.”

  “No. We’re not calling her jewel. She going to grow up thinking she can just take shiny objects,” I joke and I lose closely at her pained expression “You okay?”

  “A little back pain, nothing to worry about.”

  We settle back into watching the movie. Juliette. It sounds perfect. Just like her, just like her mom. I glance over at them. Jade’s completely entranced in the story, baby behaving well enough. I have no clue what love feels like to most people. Hell, I’m not even sure if fairy tales like the ones Jade clings onto can exist. She makes my life, though. I want to make her as happy as she makes me.

  • • •

  Jade

  October 19th, 2016

  The back pains and discomfort I felt during my birthday were contractions. A few hours after we found the perfect name for Dragon she decided to come into the world. Julia and I were released from the hospital three days later. Everything’s in order. She’s a little on the light side, but Dr. Meyers said she could gain that weight quickly. Hudson bought the house next to Brody and Claire’s place. I have a suspicion he’s had an interest in that house ever since the Golini’s mentioned it last summer. Before we move, we have some remodeling to do.

  Ben stuck around. I assumed it was to see his goddaughter be born, but there was more to it.

  “I’m finally doing it, Jade.” He waited until I was in the hospital to tell me. “I’m finally goi
ng after my dream. I sent in my samples to Rolling Stone.”

  “Good.” I stuck my tongue out at him. “It only took you twenty years to get around to it.”

  He scratched the back of his neck bashfully. “Well, better late than never. Besides, I saw you work for your dreams. I knew it was time to stop putting my goals on pause.”

  Mom’s been in and out of our apartment since we got here. She’s been a godsend with making sure we take care of ourselves. Julia doesn’t cry often, but she is deafening when she does.

  Hudson’s been a pro at this new parent thing. He talks to her like she’s his best friend, explaining everything and anything that’s happening. All in all, he’s amazing. Jenna is out of his life, but his father came to visit JJ a week after we came home. He's planning on retiring and moving close to us.

  A year can make a world of a difference. I was dating a great guy, making some money, and generally getting by. But now? I have a home, a devoted husband. And best of all, I have the most amazing daughter anyone could ever ask for.

  Even being a month old now, I know she’ll take the world by storm. I’ve waited my entire life to be a mom. We’ve finally arrived here, together. She’s mine, you know? No one can take that away.

  “Don’t worry. We’ll be each other’s knight in shining armor,” I tell her while rocking her to sleep.

  “Or,” Hudson steps out of the bathroom, all ready for bed, “we could stick to our assigned duties. I’m the knight who rescues you. She’s the dragon who keeps everything well-guarded and loved.”

  “And me?” I point out.

  “You...” His lips go for mine. Kissing Hudson is like falling in love with him all over again. Each time is a different experience, but beautiful none the less. “You are the beautiful queen who holds the heart of the kingdom. We protect you so you can protect us.”

  “Makes sense.” I giggle.

  He wraps his arms around my waist. We sway together slowly, baby safely nestled between us.

  “Is this everything you wanted?” Hudson wonders out loud.

  I shake my head softly. “It’s everything I needed. Not in the slightest how I imagined it. It’s perfectly imperfect.”

  “Inexplicably wonderful.” He smirks.

  “Amazingly and fantastically enough.”

  And that’s how it should be.

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