Finding Solace

by Speak, Barbara

  "I would rather you not. This is my job. I don't want to do this here. Please go, and I will come by your place later."

  "I can't. I can't go one more second without telling you..."

  "No. Not here, please. I will see you later, Sadie, goodbye." And then he walked away from me, leaving me in a crowd of men and one sorry Captain Mario. I turned to the Captain and said, "Thank you for your kindness. It was nice meeting you." I didn’t wait to hear if he or anyone else said anything. I walked out of the station and to my car trying to hold back tears that wouldn’t listen to me. I wiped under my eyes, got in, turned the ignition and gunned it out of the parking lot. I didn’t know where to go. Heather was still at work, Tony prepared me for this, so crying on his shoulder would not do. If I went to my parents, they would know a little too much about my private life. I couldn’t go to his family. I knew Kate would welcome me with open arms, but that was his family, not mine. I did not want to go back and sit in that apartment and wait. So I drove and drove. And drove some more. I wasted a tank of gas driving around nowhere. I finally decided enough was enough and drove home. When I pulled into my parking space my head lights found Ash sitting on my porch. I quickly turned them off so I wouldn’t blind him and then I turned off the car. I didn’t get out though. I stayed in my car staring at the man I wanted so much and wondered if this was the end for us. Ash got up from the porch and walked over to my car. When I didn’t move, he opened the door. He crouched down so that we were eye level and said, "You can come into the firehouse, but you can't get out of your car?"

  "I can. I just don't want to.”

  "So that's how you’re going to do this?”

  "No. I went to the firehouse to talk to you. I was asked to leave before I got the chance, by you. Forgive me if I have some reserve in me."

  "If this is really how you want this, then fine."

  I had no idea what he was going to do. He stood, paused for a moment and then closed my door again. He walked toward the back and my heart fell as I thought he was leaving. But then he was at my passenger door, opening it up and taking a seat.

  "Talk."

  "Don't be mean to me."

  "Don't be mean to you? Sadie, do you want me to kiss your ass while you break my heart. That is never going to happen. I love you so much. I will always love you. But our love was just getting started. Thank God, this didn't happen later. I feel like my heart has been cut out already. I can’t imagine how much more painful this could be. I understand, Sadie. I always knew there was something between you two. I begged you to deal with all of that before I fell for you, to avoid all this. Why couldn't you do that? Why would you let me fall so hard, when you knew you could leave me someday if he showed up and said the right thing?"

  "Are you done?" I waited for him to respond but he didn't. "Do you want me anymore after all of that? Could you still be with me knowing I came into this without truly wrapping all of that up like you asked? Could you even respect me knowing that as my love grew for you there was still part of my heart that was his all along?"

  "Yes. I hate the fact that it makes me a weak man, but the answer is still yes. I could love you through every fault you have. I could love through anything you threw at me. My love for you has no conditions, Sadie."

  "I need to show you something. Will you come inside with me, please?"

  "Do I have a choice?"

  "Always."

  "Let’s get this over with, please, Sadie. I need to hear you say it."

  "Not in my car. Just come inside, pretty please."

  I got out and waited for him to follow. This time it was Ash that stayed in the car. And that made it my turn to walk over to his door and open it. I took his hand and led him out and into the house. Boxes were everywhere covering the couches, counters, chairs, everywhere. I pulled him upstairs to my bedroom where there was at least a place to sit and talk. I held his hand tight as we climbed the steps and found my bed. I sat down, but he refused.

  "I would rather stand. Come on, Sadie. Can we not drag this out any longer?"

  "I would prefer to forever actually."

  "What?"

  "Forever, with you. I want forever with you. Whatever we have, I'm ready to see it through."

  "Are you fucking with me right now?"

  He was on his knees in front of me holding both of my hands. I pulled one of them from him and ran it along his face.

  "I would never be anything but honest when it comes to this. Can we still do this? Are you sure you can still move forward?"

  "I am ready for it to be just us for the first time. He always did have a piece of you. He doesn't anymore. You’re mine. All mine." He pushed me down onto my back and climbed on top of me. "I told you, I don't share. Well, that is unless you want to openly share.” A smile crept up his face. “I would get to have fun with..."

  I grabbed his face and kissed the shit out of him. "There will be no sharing, period." Then I was kissing him again. He came at me just as strong as I went after him.

  "Take your clothes off, woman. I'm going to make you scream my name like you never have before."

  "You think so, huh?" I was stripping off my clothes faster than I ever had before. I could tease him all I wanted, but my toes curled at the thought of him making me scream.

  "Oh my perfect girl, I'm about to show you just how loud that voice can get." And then he tackled me naked.

  "Woo hooo! "

  "You like that, do ya?"

  My voice was stripped. His mouth was taking a tour of my body through the ins and outs of every bend and turn, raising goose bumps in its path. He sucked and licked until my climax was at such a high that it crashed down over me. I could not let it be all about me. I didn’t want it to be. I pushed Ash down on the bed and then it was my turn to use my mouth. I loved seeing him flex his hands or watching his ass raise off the bed while he fought to hold himself back. There is so much power to get from this one act. When he told me to slow down, I wanted to do nothing more than speed up. To get to watch him lose control, to see the look on his face, it was priceless. We both laid there in bed, wrapped around each other.

  "Will you still move in with me?"

  "Nope, I'm living with Tony."

  "The hell you are." And then I was thrown onto my back with my knees in Ash’s hands.

  "Do I need to show you who the boss is?"

  "Oh yes, please."

  "You asked for it."

  He slammed into me. Every single movement was hard. From the pressure to the grip, I was going insane. This man knew just how to push you to the limit, but not go over. The pain was so close to hurting, but yet it didn’t. I drug my nails down his back causing him to growl so deep from his chest, that the next thing I knew, I was off the bed. He flipped me over so fast and then took me from behind. Ash grabbed my hair with one hand. The other dug into my hip as he jackhammered into me.

  "Ash, I'm there, I'm ready."

  "No, you’re not. Not yet."

  "Oh my God, Yes I am."

  "Not quite yet."

  He was slapping against me so hard I heard ringing in my ears. Then his thumb found me. As soon as he touched it, I was lost.

  "Now. There you go, princess."

  He rubbed it out of me and then used a few ins and outs before he filled me. Ash placed his arm under my stomach and then flipped me over on to my back. He landed next to me, pulling me in to cuddle. We stayed in bed naked for the rest of the night. It was great to be doubtless and feel all that love surrounding me. I slept perfectly.

  Ash and I woke up the next morning knowing it was moving day. He reached over and kissed me, morning breath and all. I didn’t care one bit.

  "I could not be more excited about today than I already am. Are you sure this is what you want to do?"

  "I don't have to even think about that answer. I couldn't be happier than I am right now. This is truly our beginning, Ash. Nothing stands between us anymore."

  "Not a thing. It’s you and me forever, princess.
I'm never letting you go again. Walking out of this place yesterday and leaving you behind was the hardest decision of my life. I won't do it again, you’re mine, Sadie Warren."

  He rolled on top of me and entered me at the same time. No words were needed from that point on. We made love and then continued to please each other until I heard the front door open. Heather came in with Jason. We could hear their voices, which caused both of us to jump up and get in the shower. After the rush to get ready, we went downstairs to get started. Of course we got shit for not being ready yet, but soon after that everyone was accounted for. There was a lot to get done but we had all three brothers, Ash, Kaleb and Jeremy to move the heavy stuff. Heather and I supervised. What else did you think we would be doing?

  Within a couple hours we had the entire truck loaded. Jason’s house was going to be the first stop and then Ash’s. Heather and I cried our eyes out, acting as if we would never see each other again, which only fueled the teasing from the guys. I was going to miss this time with her something fierce. I was at the same time looking forward. My life with Ash, as I said to him, was beginning. I had no more doubts about Colt. He held such a large part of my heart for so long and I was willingly handing it all over to Ash now. Knowing that I hurt Colt weighed on me heavy. I wanted us to work out. In the end though, that time apart shattered any hope there was of an us. That time allowed me to get closer to Ash. I can’t think about if Ash and I don’t work out, because I have faith that we will. I have to think that way. I refuse to think of Colt as a backup. He deserves for someone to love him the way that I did and more. Heather snapped me out of my thought process and said, "You ready to lock up?"

  "No, but we don't have a choice."

  "Sure we do, but is that the choice you want to make?"

  "Not at all, I'm ready."

  We walked down to the super’s office hand in hand and turned in our keys. This was it. She and I were officially living with our boyfriends, holy shit! I turned around to walk back and saw Ash standing there next to the moving truck. He could not be more perfect and he was all mine. I started to run. As I got closer, I picked up speed until I jumped into his waiting arms. I wrapped my legs around his waist and kissed him with all that I had.

  "I'm so ready for this."

  "Good, because I'm going to make your every wish come true."

  "I'm counting on it, big guy."

  I kissed him one last time and then we were all getting in our cars. Kaleb’s dad owned a U-Haul company, so he hooked us up with the truck. Only under the terms that he drove it, which was fine by me. The truck pulled out first. It looked like a funeral procession with all of us following each other. I rode with Ash after we agreed to come back for my car.

  Soon we were at Jason’s apartment and the dilemma hit.

  "What the fuck are we going to do with all of this, Heather?"

  "I don't know, Jason. Shouldn’t we have thought about this beforehand?"

  "I know one of us should have. I don't have room for another bed and dresser! Or the kitchen table."

  "What are we going to do then?"

  Both of them turned to all of us as if we had a solution.

  "I suggest you find a bigger place or sell it?" Mike always did spout the obvious.

  "I'm not selling my stuff!"

  "Well you better, ‘cause it can't fit in my apartment."

  They were back to looking at all of us.

  "You can store it at my house until you find another place. It makes sense to leave it on the truck until we get there anyway. Let’s just go there now and whatever is left on it after we unload can come back here."

  All eyes were on Ash now, including mine. Heather let out a screech and jumped in Ash’s arms.

  "Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!"

  "You’re welcome."

  He looked uncomfortable because she hadn't let go, when Jason came over and peeled her off to shake Ash’s hand.

  "Thanks, dude. That would be awesome. I can pay you to store it there if you want?"

  "Not at all, my house is plenty big enough to hold a few pieces of furniture."

  "Then thank you again. It means a lot."

  I loved him even more at that moment. I know what he said was true. He owned a freaking mansion practically, it could fit without a problem. The fact that he offered was my point. I reached up and kissed his cheek.

  "You’re pretty awesome."

  "Same goes for you." And then he kissed my lips.

  We all filed back in our cars and drove to my new home. It felt weird saying that to myself, but true nonetheless. When everyone fit in his driveway, they all got out of their cars. That's when the "Holy shits" started flying out of their mouths. I had forgotten that none of them had been here before to see it.

  "You’re fucking shitting me, dude. This is yours?" Jason had his jaw dropped open.

  "It is just a house, guys."

  Heather walked over to me and whispered in my ear, "I didn't think he could get any better. I was wrong, dead wrong."

  "Heather, it doesn't change who he is."

  "No, it doesn't. It's the fact he doesn't act like he had this kind of money that brought him up another notch. Not that he has it."

  I had to agree with her there. You would never know by meeting him that he had all that he does. The guys wanted a tour so Ash walked them in. Heather followed quickly behind them once she heard tour. I stayed outside by myself just taking it all in. What a difference a year can make.

  "Whatcha thinking about over there?"

  I turned to see Tony had stayed behind also.

  "Just how crazy life can be."

  "You mean how you ended up getting a fairy tale nonetheless. It just wasn’t the one you thought you wanted."

  "That's pretty much exactly it. I'm just so happy, Tony."

  "I can see it and I know. I couldn't be happier for you. I always told you I liked the guy. He's good for you."

  "That he is."

  After everything was unloaded, we went to get my car. Driving back over to the apartment seemed weird. I no longer viewed this as home. Ash held my hand the whole way there. We talked about the house and he said if there was anything I would like to change, to just let him know. There was not a thing I would change. That house was perfect just the way it stood. I got my car and followed him back. What surprised me was the phone call I got pulling down his street.

  "Hello, stranger."

  "Hello, my princess. Just wanted you to look and see the garage door opener you have in your car now."

  I looked up and sure enough there it was.

  "You cleared a spot for me?"

  "It’s your house too now, and it’s an eight car garage, Sadie. It would be ridiculous if your car couldn't fit."

  "That is true. But thank you anyway. I will see you in a couple of seconds. Oh, and I love you."

  "Love you too."

  I pulled up the driveway and pushed the button. Sure enough, one of the doors opened and the whole space was cleared for me. This was so cool! I parked and jumped out of my car with a huge smile on my face.

  "It really is the little things with you, isn’t it?"

  "Absolutely is."

  He smiled back at me and took my hand to lead me inside our home. Nothing had changed, yet everything looked different. It was my home now.

  "Are you happy?"

  "Blissfully, so."

  "That's what I like to hear. So, what do you want to do first?"

  "I would love to make a naked pizza."

  "Hahaahah, never could I have seen that coming. Strip, little one, its pizza time!"

  After we ate the second best pizza in my life (nothing can top the first time we made one together) we laid down in the media room and vegged. After moving all day, all I wanted was to relax and cuddle with my man.

  "Your birthday is right around the corner. What would you like to do for it?"

  "We don't have to do anything special. I didn't get to celebrate yours with you in any big
way."

  He sat up causing me to plop down on the couch we were sharing.

  "Are you fucking crazy, woman? That is hands down the best birthday I have ever had in my life. I got to have you be a part of it."

  "Well, when you put it that way, then you’re right. I am pretty fucking special."

  "Yes, you are. So, what can we do for yours?"

  "Just having you with me would do the same for me."

  "Do you not want to do something big with your friends?"

  "We can, but I don't need to."

  "Then I have the perfect idea."

  "What is it?"

  He cuddled back up to me and said, "No way, it’s going to be a surprise."

  "It’s a month away. You’re going to keep me guessing for that long?"

  "Absolutely!"

  "You suck."

  "Very well, from what you tell me."

  "Gross. You’re so dirty sometimes."

  "Don't you go prude on me now that I have you here. Do you understand me?"

  "Yes Sir."

  "Good girl."

  We went back to skimming through the channels and laughing at all the stupid infomercials. We both started to fall asleep when Ash said, "Let’s go to bed, honey."

  "Sounds like the best idea yet."

  "Not even close to the idea I have for your birthday "

  "Come on! You can't keep dropping hints like that. It’s not fair."

  "It so is, and I can and will"

  "You suck a big one."

  "Now you’re going to get it."

  He tackled me and tickled me until I almost peed my pants.

  "Ash, stop! I'm going to pee."

  His hands came off me in seconds.

  "I'm not a fool twice. Go use the bathroom and then get your sexy ass in bed."

  I rushed to the bathroom and did just what he told me to afterwards. We slept holding on to each other all night long.

  CHAPTER 47

  After a couple weeks of living together, I realized I didn't get to see Ash much more than I did before I moved in. He was always so busy with school and the fire house. I thought it would be nice to plan a night out with our friends, being it had been awhile since we saw them last. I picked ‘51’ because I wanted good memories to be last thing that I had there. Not breaking Colt’s heart, also because I had a surprise for Ash. We needed to be there for me to pull off. It was a Saturday night and we both had Sunday off, which made it a perfect night to get trashed and then have the next day to nurse our hangovers. Heather, Jason, Mike, Tony, Lindsey and Kaleb were all going to be there with us. I had just finished getting ready when I walked down the stairs to find Ash waiting on me.