Wanting What She Can't Have

by Yvonne Lindsay

  Alexis pressed a hand to her lower belly, hoping against hope that everything would be all right. For all of them. This wasn’t the way she’d wanted him to find out. She’d wanted to tell him, in her own time, her own way. But nature had decided otherwise. And now it was Raoul’s turn to decide how to respond.

  * * *

  Raoul paced back and forth in the family room, bound to stay at the house by his promise to take care of Ruby and to let Alexis rest, which meant staying within range of the baby monitor. He fought his instinct to flee, to head deep into the vineyard and walk and walk until he could walk no more.

  Dark clouds scudded across the sky, heavy with rain that began to fall in steady droplets, battering against the glass stacking doors that looked out over the garden. He leaned his forehead against the glass, welcoming the cold, the numbness. Anything was better than the horror that played through his mind right now.

  Alexis. Pregnant.

  He braced his hands against a door frame and stared blindly out into the drenched garden as the two words echoed over and over in his head.

  This couldn’t be happening. Not again. Hadn’t life dealt him a hard enough blow with Bree, now it had to throw this at him, too? This wasn’t something he could come to terms with. And tied in with the fear he felt at her condition was a strong sense of betrayal—again. He’d trusted Alexis, believed she was telling the truth after that first time they’d been together. She’d never mentioned the slightest doubt that she was safely protected from pregnancy.

  His eyes burned as the wind picked up, blasting cold rain directly at the surface of the glass doors. Still he didn’t move. Couldn’t. He was frozen to this spot as much as he was frozen inside. He’d begun to thaw, he’d felt it, noticed it bit by bit as Alexis had worked her way under his skin and into his heart. Had stopped fighting against it, had even begun to trust that maybe, just maybe, the time was right to live again.

  He was a damn fool. Hadn’t he learned his lesson the hard way? People who professed to love you were also prepared to lie to you, as well. Bree had. He hadn’t thought that Alexis ever would. She was so honest, so open and giving. He’d heard Alexis say she loved him one night as he’d fallen asleep. He knew how she felt. It was there in her every word, her every touch. When they made love he could feel her giving him a piece of her every single time. Making him feel again, making him want more, even making him begin to dream.

  But she’d lied, too. And now worse, she, too, was at risk. The baby possibly already threatening her life as well as its own.

  He’d always wanted a big family. That wish continued to come back to haunt him. He fought back the scream that struggled to be released from deep inside of him, too afraid to let it go in case he couldn’t stop howling once it started.

  He couldn’t do this again. He simply couldn’t. He’d already lost one woman he’d loved—a woman he’d pledged to spend the rest of his life with. The pain of that loss had been crushing. Discovering she’d kept her life-threatening condition from him even more so.

  He wasn’t prepared to lose another.

  Oh, my God, he thought, I love her. I love Alexis.

  Hard on the realization came fear. With love came loss, he knew that to his cost. Already Alexis’s pregnancy was putting her at risk. If the worst should happen and Bree’s experience be repeated, he knew he wouldn’t survive that again. He had to put away those feelings for good. He thought he had achieved that already but Alexis’s steady and constant undermining of his stance with Ruby had undone that.

  Her gentle ways, her care and support, all of it had left him wide-open to hurt all over again. He hadn’t wanted to love her—hadn’t even wanted to want her the way he did. Even now he felt the urge to race back to her room, to make sure she was okay, but he couldn’t trust himself around her. Couldn’t trust her.

  He needed to pull himself together, to shore up his defenses all over again. Only this time he needed to make them impenetrable. Nothing and no one would get past them ever again.

  Feeling stronger, more in control, Raoul dragged his cell phone from his pocket and thumbed through his contacts list. There it was, the number for Bree’s obstetrician. He hit Dial before he could change his mind. For all that had happened to Bree, the guy was one of the best in the country and Alexis deserved that. And he himself needed to know exactly what they were dealing with.

  A few minutes later, an appointment made—thanks to a cancellation—for in a couple of days’ time, he shoved his phone back in his pocket. Until then he had to keep his mind busy and his heart firmly locked down back where it belonged, where nothing and no one could reach it.

  * * *

  “I don’t see why you weren’t prepared to let me wait until my appointment came through from the hospital,” Alexis grumbled as he drove her to Christchurch two days later. “I’ve stopped bleeding anyway.”

  “Don’t you want to know why you started bleeding in the first place?”

  “Raoul, sometimes these things happen. There might not be a why, sometimes things simply are.”

  He shook his head, dissatisfied with her answer. “No, there’s always a reason and always a solution. There has to be.”

  He heard Alexis sigh and out the corner of his eye he saw her turn her head and look out the side window.

  “Are you feeling okay?” he asked, the same question he asked of her several times each day.

  “I’m fine, a bit queasy but that’s normal. Unless I’m driving I often get a bit of motion sickness.”

  “Do you want to drive?” he offered.

  “No, it’s okay, I’ll be all right.”

  “Let me know if you need me to stop.”

  “Sure.” She sighed again. “Do you think Ruby will be okay with Catherine? She was pretty upset when we left.”

  “She’ll settle. Call Catherine if you’re worried.”

  “No, I’m sure she’ll settle, like you say.”

  They traveled the rest of the hour-and-a-quarter journey in silence. When they reached the specialist’s rooms, Raoul parked the Range Rover, assailed again by the awful reminder that he’d been through this before. Maybe coming to the appointment with her wasn’t such a great idea after all, he thought, his stomach tying in knots as they got out the car and he guided Alexis toward the building and through to reception.

  Alexis gave her name to the receptionist and joined Raoul in the waiting room. He could feel her nervousness wash over him in waves. If theirs had been a normal relationship, he’d be holding her hand right now, infusing her with his strength and lending her his support. Instead, she perched on the chair next to him, as tightly wound as a bale of grapevine trellis wire.

  “I’m okay, you can stop looking at me,” she said through tightly clenched teeth. “I’m not about to break apart.”

  “That’s good to know,” he said, and leaned back into his chair, feigning nonchalance by picking up a discarded magazine off the chair next to him.

  “Ms. Fabrini?” a man’s voice called.

  “That’s me,” she said, getting to her feet.

  Raoul got to his feet as well and started to move forward with her.

  “Hi, I’m Peter Taylor, nice to meet you,” the doctor said to Alexis, extending his hand.

  As he did so, he looked over her shoulder and spied Raoul standing there.

  “Raoul, good to see you. How’s Ruby doing?”

  “She’s growing and getting into everything.”

  The obstetrician looked from Alexis to Raoul.

  Alexis spoke up in the awkward silence that sprang between them. “I’m Alexis, Ruby’s nanny.”

  “I see. Well, would you like to come through with me? And Raoul?”

  “No, just me,” Alexis said firmly.

  Raoul wanted to object, to shout he had every right to be there in that room with her, but he knew he had none. He’d made no commitment to Alexis and it was clear she didn’t want him there, either. He lowered himself back down onto his chair, that
sense of history repeating itself hitting him all over again.

  So, he was to be kept in the dark, just like he’d been with Bree. With her, she’d managed to time her appointments for days when he’d be busy and unable to accompany her, except for when she had her scans. Thinking back on it now, she must have requested that all information about her aneurysm be kept from him because he knew now that they’d monitored it carefully throughout her pregnancy.

  Waiting was hell. Not knowing what was going on was even worse. He couldn’t just sit here. It was doing his head in. He went to the receptionist and told her to let Alexis know he’d be waiting outside for her, then turned and left the building.

  It was cold and crisp today, the sun a distant beacon in a washed-out blue sky striated with wispy streaks of cirrus cloud. Raoul waited by his vehicle, and tried to tell himself he didn’t care that Alexis had shut him out. He should embrace the fact, be glad she didn’t want him to be a part of this. He could offer her nothing but a man broken by the past. A man now too afraid to trust. Look what had happened when he’d trusted her!

  And if he kept telling himself these things, surely eventually he’d convince himself he believed them.

  He uttered a sharp expletive under his breath and shoved his hands into his jacket pockets. Leaning against the side of the Range Rover he lifted his face to the sun and closed his eyes. If only he hadn’t given in, if only he had kept his distance. If only she’d never come at all.

  Life was full of “if onlys,” so much so that a man could drive himself crazy worrying over them all. Things had been simpler before she came, there was no denying it. In this case, it came down to just a handful of questions. Could he go through this all again? Could he watch her grow full with child, his child, and wait again in fear for what might happen?

  The answer was swift coming. No. He couldn’t.

  Yes, it was cowardly. Yes, it was stepping back from his obligations. But he’d been down this road already, and he wasn’t strong enough to do this again. But, the question remained, could he let her go?

  Fourteen

  Alexis was in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea when she heard the front door open and close. Raoul was back. Her heart jumped in her chest and she wondered what he would say or do next. Since her consultation with the obstetrician they’d barely said more than two sentences to one another at a time.

  She had yet to tell him everything about her examination—but she had good reasons for holding back. Raoul had withdrawn from her, wholly and completely. It wasn’t just that she now slept alone back in the master suite, it was apparent in every way he interacted with her—or didn’t interact, which was more to the point.

  This pregnancy was a major step in her life, one she was willing to take on alone if necessary, and especially if she couldn’t be certain that she had the wholehearted and loving support of a man at her side. Raoul, to be precise.

  His heavy footsteps sounded in the hall and she felt the usual prickle of awareness between her shoulder blades that warned her he’d come into the kitchen and was staring at her. Slowly, she faced him.

  “I’m going for a shower. Are you okay? Should you be up?”

  He sounded like the Raoul Benoit she’d fallen in love with, yet different at the same time. She looked at his face, met the flat emptiness that now dwelled in his eyes. Her heart sank. Any hope she’d had of possibly turning him around on this situation between them sank right along with it.

  “I’ll be all right. As I’ve already told you, I’m just not supposed to do anything too strenuous. That’s all.”

  He nodded. “Don’t go lifting Ruby from her crib,” he reminded her for the umpteenth time since Monday’s race to the clinic. “I’ll get her up when she wakes.”

  With that, he left her. He did that a lot lately. Made sure he was home around the times that Ruby went down for her sleeps and was back in time for when she roused. On the rare occasions he wasn’t, she’d seen the censure in his eyes afterward when he returned to find she’d been lifting and carrying the baby, but she knew exactly what she was and wasn’t capable of. Caring for Ruby was high on her to-do list, with all it entailed.

  Behind her, the kettle switched itself off, the water boiled and ready to pour onto her tea bag, but still she didn’t move. So, this was how it was going to be between them now. A cold politeness that ignored everything except the medical concerns involved in what was happening inside her body, the life they’d created together?

  Part of her wanted to march on down the hallway behind him, to confront him, to force him to talk to her. Force him to acknowledge her and what they’d shared before he’d found out about her pregnancy—to find out if there had ever been more between them than just the convenient release of no-strings-attached sex. But that look in his eyes just now, it had chilled her. It had told her far more than words could ever say.

  What they’d had, as little as it was—everything they’d shared when they’d shared each other—was over. Gone. Except for getting Ruby out of bed in the morning and putting her down for her sleeps, Raoul stayed well out of the way. The stresses and joys of pregnancy were entirely her own, with no one but herself to marvel over the life growing inside her—or worry over possible problems.

  To her huge relief, all the signs of the threatened miscarriage had eased off, just as Dr. Taylor had said they should. Further, slightly obsessive reading on the subject told Alexis that a high percentage of women experienced what she had in their first trimester. Trying to convince herself what she’d been through was normal was easier said than done.

  She felt fragile, adrift, and the massive chasm that had opened up between her and Raoul prevented her having anyone to share her fears with. This wasn’t news she was ready to spring on her own family just yet—not when she still hoped against hope for Raoul’s support, even for his love. Still, at least she had a visit from Catherine to look forward to today. When the older woman arrived, though, she clearly knew something was up.

  As the two of them watched Ruby playing in the family room Catherine broached what was clearly bothering her.

  “Alexis, did you know that Raoul has asked me to look for a new nanny for Ruby until I’m able to take her back full-time again?”

  If the other woman had slapped her, Alexis couldn’t have been more shocked.

  “He wants me to leave?”

  “He didn’t say as much—well, not in as many words—but he requested that I make it clear in the advertising that it’s a live-in position.”

  Alexis’s head reeled. “He hasn’t said anything to me. Not at all.”

  Catherine fidgeted in her chair. The corners of her mouth pulled into a small frown.

  “He told me you were pregnant. Is it true?”

  “Yes, it’s true.”

  “How far along are you?”

  “Nearly nine weeks now,” Alexis answered with a small sigh.

  “And you’re okay?”

  “Did he tell you about Monday? About taking me down to the clinic? And then to the obstetrician when we left Ruby with you on Wednesday morning?”

  “No, but I guessed something had happened. He acted different again. Like he did after Bree died.”

  Catherine got up from her chair and joined Alexis on the couch. She put a comforting arm around her shoulders.

  “Tell me,” she commanded gently.

  So Alexis did. She pushed aside her fears about how Catherine would react to what she had to say—after all, hadn’t Alexis just been sleeping with Catherine’s dead daughter’s husband? It was a relief to off-load to someone, especially someone who had known her as long as Catherine had, someone who had been as much of a mother figure as her own had been. Catherine just listened, her arm tightening around Alexis from time to time, lending her more comfort, more silent strength. When Alexis finished she realized her cheeks were wet. Catherine pressed a freshly laundered handkerchief into her hands.

  “You poor dear,” she said after Alexis had blown her
nose and wiped her tears away. “You love him, don’t you?”

  Alexis nodded, then gathered the threads of her fraying thoughts together. “You—you’re not mad at me?”

  “Why would I be?” Catherine asked in astonishment.

  “Because of Bree. Because it hasn’t even been a year and here I was throwing myself at him.”

  Catherine laughed. “Oh, my dear girl. You? Throw yourself at Raoul? Hardly. Besides, he’s not the kind of man a woman throws herself at without expecting to slide straight off that granite exterior of his.” She patted Alexis on the leg. “Look, I love my son-in-law dearly and I know that he and Bree were ecstatically happy together when they weren’t at complete loggerheads. We’ve all suffered for her loss. But I’m a realist. She is gone. As hard as that has been to bear we’ve all had to go on with living. Raoul...well, he’s just been existing. When you came, something sparked to life in him again. You gave him something to fight against.”

  “Fight against? I don’t understand.”

  “He’d shut himself down, put his feelings where no one could touch them. Not even Ruby. I still remember seeing him standing in the neonatal intensive-care unit, staring at her in her incubator. No emotion on his face, not even a flicker. I knew then that she would need help—they both would.

  “Looking after Ruby helped me come to terms with losing Bree. It would have helped him, too, but with her being sick for that first month of her life, it only served to push him further away.”

  “I still can’t understand how he did that,” Alexis said, shaking her head.

  She’d seen photos of Ruby in the NICU. They’d raised every protective instinct in her body. She’d wanted to reach right into the pictures and cuddle the precious baby back to health. How could Raoul not have felt the same way about his own daughter?

  “He’s a strong man with powerful emotions. Sometimes emotions like that can get to be too much, even for someone like Raoul,” Catherine said. “Bree’s father was like that, too. I’m sure she was drawn to that strength the same way I was with her father. But we had our troubles through the years, just as I know Bree had fights with Raoul, over the way that both men thought being strong meant shutting out anything that might make them vulnerable.”