Incognito

by Siobhan Davis

  “I like cooking for you,” she whispers. “And I like it here with you.” Now both her hands have wandered up my chest, coming to rest on my shoulders.

  It would take nothing, absolutely nothing, to lean down and press my lips to hers. Nothing. But she needs to make the move. The air around us sizzles with tension, and her eyes flit to my mouth, while I’m silently encouraging her in my mind.

  My pulse is throbbing in my neck, and liquid desire heats me from the inside out.

  We look down at one another, both of us frozen in time and space, and I know she wants this as badly as I do. It’s written all over her flushed face.

  But she doesn’t act on it.

  Stepping back, she smiles at me before dropping down into the seat I just vacated. “What are you watching?” She picks up the remote, getting comfy on the couch.

  “Whatever you want to watch,” I reply flatly, swinging around and flopping onto the couch beside her, trying to mask my disappointment.

  Guess it’s another cold shower and date with my hand again tonight.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Dakota

  “I thought you said Daisy was coming and bringing her boy toy?” Tabs inquires the next night at the frat party.

  “She’ll be here. She texted earlier to confirm. They were going out for dinner first.”

  “Aw, that’s so sweet and romantic.” She thumps Levi on the arm. “That’s what you should be doing. Wining and dining our girl.”

  “We’re just friends, Tabs,” I tell her for the umpteenth time, hating the words as they leave my mouth. Last night, I was so sure he was going to kiss me, but he didn’t make a move, and I pulled back before he could see the hurt in my eyes. I love spending time with Levi, love sharing his living space, and I’ve come to rely on him in ways I probably shouldn’t, but I’ve got to be honest and face facts. He doesn’t have the same feelings for me, and that’s going to be a problem, because I don’t know how much longer I can deny that I want more.

  But I don’t want to ruin our friendship either. His support means the world to me, and I don’t want to mess it up by declaring I’m falling for him if he doesn’t feel the same way. Despite the way I see him looking at me sometimes, it’s increasingly looking like he wants to keep things platonic.

  It’s for the best.

  But trying telling that to my heart.

  “If you say so,” Tabs retorts, murmuring something that sounds suspiciously like “delusional” under her breath. She tugs on his elbow and starts whispering in his ear, and I try to ignore the envy sluicing through my veins.

  “Now they are only friends,” Elsa says, nudging in Tabs and Levi’s direction. “But there is no way that guy sees you the same way. He doesn’t take his eyes off you, like ever. Case in point.” She subtly jerks her head, and, sure enough, Levi is listening to Tabs but staring straight at me.

  “That’s only because he’s worried about me.”

  “I know that asshole ex of yours did a number on you, but not all guys are the same. Levi has been a rock for you with all the shit you’ve had on your plate recently.”

  I finally opened up and told Tabs and Elsa what’s been going on with me. They were both wonderful and offered their support in any way they could.

  “He’s probably afraid of making a move when you’re vulnerable,” she continues, “but, trust me, I know when a guy digs a girl, and that guy has the hots for you. In a bad way.”

  “That’s what Daisy said too.”

  “She’s a smart cookie, that one.” She squeezes my shoulders. “Annnddd here she comes right now.” She waves her hands in the air like crazy, and I spin around. Sure enough, Daisy and Jake are maneuvering their way through the crowd, making a beeline for us.

  “You made it!” I hug my friend and smile at Jake. “I’m so glad you’re here.” The party scene really isn’t Daisy’s thing, so I fully expected her to bail tonight. I quickly introduce Jake to Tabs and Elsa while Levi holds back, shoving his hands in his pockets and staring at the floor as if it’s the most wondrous thing. I have to practically drag him over, puzzled at the momentary glint of panic flaring in his eyes. “This is Levi,” I tell Daisy.

  “Hey. Nice to meet you,” he mumbles, barely looking at her. Tabs sends me a “what the fuck” look and I shrug. Damned if I know what’s gotten into him.

  “Nice to meet you too,” she shyly replies. “And this is my boyfriend Jake.”

  Levi looks up, jerking his chin. “’Sup, man?”

  They start chatting and we move aside, leaving them to it. “Wow, he’s hot,” Daisy blurts, before blushing beet red. “Now I see why you’ve barely left his side in weeks.”

  “If he was mine,” Tabs interjects. “I’d have him handcuffed to my bed, doing all kinds of naughty shit, but this pussy, right here”—she elbows me in the ribs—“is too afraid to even kiss him. It’s a damn shame. Sleeping in those arms every night and not touching him. I weep for your poor, unloved cunt.” She shakes her head. “And I’m betting he has wrist strain from jerking off so much.”

  Elsa spits her beer all over the floor. “Jesus Christ, you’d think I’d be used to this by now, but nope. Your perverted mind still has the ability to shock me,” she says, nudging her bestie with a grin.

  Levi glances over Jake’s shoulder again, his eyes finding mine. Our gazes lock, and my heart starts skipping a beat as he smiles. Maybe the girls are right. He’s trying to be a gentleman, and I’m going to have to be the one to move us out of the friend zone.

  “I’m on a roll tonight, babe,” Tabs says, smacking a loud kiss on Elsa’s cheek. “And I’ve just spotted tonight’s prey. Yum. Yum.” She licks her lips, zoning in on one of Cole’s football buddies.

  I silently groan, hoping he isn’t here.

  When I decided to attend U of I, I was worried about bumping into Cole and Kayla all the time, but the campus is big enough I figured I could manage to avoid them, except it hasn’t quite worked out like that. Especially now that Cole seems to be actively seeking me out, if last night is any indication.

  “Watch and learn, little virgin,” Tabs teases Elsa, flinging her hair over her shoulder. “And don’t wait up.” She saunters confidently over to the football crowd, sashaying her hips seductively, and they willingly part to let her through.

  “Wow.” Daisy’s eyes almost bug out of her head. “I wish I had a tenth of her confidence.”

  “She’s something else,” Elsa agrees. “But I wouldn’t swap her for the world. There is no one more loyal than Tabs, and I love how fearless she is, how she goes after what she wants. I know I give her shit, but I admire her. She knows how to get what she wants.” She pokes me in the chest. “And something tells me you do too.”

  The old me was totally fearless and wouldn’t let anything stop her from going after what she wanted. While that girl is starting to come alive again, I’m not sure I’ll ever return to the same person I was before my sister died.

  I’m not sure I should either.

  But Layla wouldn’t want me to be a coward.

  Finishing my beer, I decide I’m going to walk up to Levi and plant one on him when someone takes hold of my elbow from behind before I’ve had a chance to make my move.

  “Kotabear.” I close my eyes in frustration as Cole presses his mouth to my ear.

  Levi is beside me in a flash. “Get your hands off her.” I shuck out of Cole’s hold, allowing Levi to tuck me protectively into the crook of his arm. “She doesn’t want to talk to you, so take a hike.”

  “He speaks for you now?” Cole glares at Levi over my head.

  “Cole, how many times do I have to say it. I told you last night. We’re done, and whatever friendship we had is gone too. Just let it go.”

  “I did what you asked. I broke it off with her. I’m a free agent, and I want you back, baby.”

 
Levi turns to face me, loosening his hold on me. “Wait? You want to get back with this loser?”

  “What?! No!! Of course not.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I spot Daisy looking funny at Levi.

  “She wants me back. She’s just afraid to hurt you in front of everyone,” Cole smoothly lies, pulling me behind him. “We have history, man. You can’t compete with that.”

  I try to move around Cole, but he misinterprets my action, plastering me to his chest. “I was her first everything, and I’ll be her last, so if anyone’s taking a hike, it’s you, pal.” He prods Levi in the chest, while I try to wriggle out of his hold, but Cole is a solid block of resistance. Before I’ve had time to figure out his plan, he slams his lips down on mine. Startled, I don’t react for a split second. When I come to my senses, I thrust my leg up and knee him in the balls. He drops his hold on me instantly, roaring as he topples to the floor, clutching his groin.

  “Don’t you try that fucking shit on me again, Cole, or I’ll charge you with sexual harassment. I’m not ever getting back with you. Not happening. You are not the one I want.” I jerk my head up, wanting to look Levi in the eye when I tell him he’s the one I want. Except I’m met with an empty space. “Crap. Where’d he go?”

  “Out that way,” Elsa points toward the back door. “Hurry and you’ll catch up to him.” She gives me a gentle push, and I almost stumble on my feet.

  I lean over Cole, raising my voice. “Just so there’s no further misunderstanding, I don’t want you. Levi is the only one I want.” Pushing through the gaping crowd, I don’t wait to hear Cole’s response, if there is one, racing in the direction Levi disappeared.

  I burst outside, climbing the steps two at a time and emerge on the dimly lit sidewalk. I spot him up ahead and call out after him, but he keeps going, walking with hunched shoulders. Thank God, I’m wearing sneakers, I think as I give chase, hollering his name the entire time. When I catch up to him, I tug on his sleeve, beseeching him to stop. “Levi. Stop. Let me explain.”

  “There’s nothing to explain,” he spits out, shoving my arm away. “I didn’t take you for a pushover, but I guess I don’t really know you after all.”

  “What the hell does that mean?” I shout, throwing my hands in the air.

  He stops and spins around. “You go back to Cole, Daddy is happy, and you get to stay in school. I’m stupid for not realizing your plan sooner.”

  “Are you freaking kidding me right now?” I yell, incensed to the point of combustion.

  “Go on, deny it. Deny that’s what you’ve done. Deny that you chose him without even giving me a fucking chance!” he roars, and I fully expect steam to come billowing out of his ears.

  Anger transforms to disappointment. “Is that genuinely what you think of me?”

  “I don’t need to think!” He jabs his finger in the direction of the frat house. “I just saw it with my own eyes. You kissed him right in front of me!”

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake, did you even look, or have you got blinders on?” I shove at his chest. “He. Kissed. Me!”

  He snorts. “You didn’t exactly push him away.”

  I rub a tense spot between my brows. “You know, for a smart guy, you sure as hell can be dumb as shit.” I square up to him. “If you’d stayed around, you would’ve seen me knee him in the balls and tell him he wasn’t the one I wanted.” I shove at his chest again, thoroughly pissed at both Cole and Levi. “If you’d stayed around, you would’ve heard me tell the whole room how the only one I want is you.” My chest aches painfully. “But you ran instead. You’ve already made up your mind about me based on the lies of my ex. Instead of thinking of all the ways in which I’ve shown you how much you matter to me, you just decided I’m guilty and left me.”

  Pain is etched across his face as he steps toward me. I step back, holding my palms up to keep him at bay. “Don’t touch me. You couldn’t have hurt me any more than you did tonight. You’re the first guy in a long time that I’ve opened up to. I was vulnerable for you, because I thought you were worth it. That I could trust you. I thought you see me.” I shake my head sadly. “But you don’t. You don’t have a clue who I really am, because if you did, you would not have reacted like that.”

  “Shit. Kota, baby, I’m sorry.” He reaches for me again, and I take a few more steps back. “I messed up. I’m no good at this stuff, but it doesn’t mean I don’t see you. I do see you. I’ve always seen you.”

  I shake my head, starting to walk off. “It doesn’t matter. Everything’s ruined now. I can’t do this with you.”

  “Please.” His eyes beg for mercy. “Give me another chance. Let me make it up to you.”

  “It’s too late. Forget it. It’s better this way.” I smother the pain waiting to drown me. “Goodbye, Levi.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  ShawnLevi

  It’s been four days since I fucked everything up at the party, and I’m most definitely paying the price. My place is like a ghost town without Dakota filling it with her infectious presence. I’m back to watching her from afar. Grateful that she hasn’t stopped her rooftop dancing and terrified it means she truly meant it when she said goodbye.

  I want to go to her.

  To drop to my knees and beg for forgiveness but I’m too afraid it won’t be enough.

  Besides, isn’t this for the best?

  Keeping her away from me and my messed-up life has always been the safest option. So what if I’m heartbroken and missing the only person gluing the fractured pieces of my heart together?

  If I love her, I should stay away. Let her get on with her life without dragging her into all my shit.

  The fact I didn’t react appropriately, and that I still don’t have a fucking clue how to handle the situation, speaks volumes. I don’t know how to have a relationship, and she’s better off without me.

  I’ve purposely avoided going to class, because I don’t want to see the indifference on her face. She’s clearly not suffering like I am, and I don’t want that rubbed in my face.

  If there’s one consolation, it’s that this heartbreak is churning out song after song, and I’ve almost got a full album already. Luke is ecstatic and encouraging me to continue. So, I sit, night after night, looking at the girl I’ve loved and lost, frantically pouring all my feelings out onto the page.

  I keep my head down in the small off-the-beat diner, perusing the menu, while waiting for Devin to make an appearance. The waitress snatches up my cup, refiling my coffee, before slapping it back down in front of me.

  Someone clearly loves her job.

  I snicker to myself. If she knew it was me, she’d be fawning all over the place, most likely offering me more than what’s on the menu. You might think I miss that, but the honest truth is, I don’t. I’m loving being a normal Joe.

  “Penny for your thoughts,” Devin says, sliding into the booth across from me.

  “I wouldn’t want to depress you,” I retort, sipping the bitter liquid.

  “That bad, huh?”

  I shrug. “Something tells me you’re about to make a bad day worse.”

  “Wow. Who pissed in your cornflakes?”

  I shake my head, not wanting to get into it with him, but he obviously has other ideas. The sullen waitress reappears, and we both place our orders. Then he leans across the table on his elbows, pinning me with a grave look. “Is this about Dakota? Trouble in paradise?”

  I groan. “Could you be any more cliché?”

  He chuckles. “My men give me daily reports, and I know she hasn’t been staying with you the last few nights. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, but I might understand a lot more than you think.”

  “I doubt it,” I mumble.

  “You don’t know this, but Ange and I were neighbors growing up. We’ve known each other since we were two, but it took me years to get my g
irl, and it wasn’t without its fair share of heartbreak.”

  “Yeah?”

  He nods, lifting his cup as the waitress pours coffee in. “I had a troubled upbringing, and I tried to shield her from it by staying away. Ended up messing up more times than I could count. The one thing I’ve learned is that it’s never a good idea to hide your feelings. If you have feelings for this girl, you should tell her.”

  “What if it’s too late?”

  “You won’t know until you try.”

  I ponder his words for a couple minutes. “It’s probably for the best. At least, this way, she’s safe.”

  He makes a face as he tastes the coffee. “Man, this stuff is disgusting.” He scrunches his nose, peering into the cup. “Is it even coffee?”

  “You stop noticing after a few cups,” I deadpan.

  He shoves it aside. “Answer me one thing. Are you falling in love with her, or she’s just someone to pass the time with while you’re in town?”

  A muscle clenches in my jaw at the insinuation she’s a random hookup. “I love her,” I blurt before I can stop myself. “I love everything about her. She’s so real and down to earth, and she doesn’t want anything from me but my company. She calms me down and makes me remember who I used to be before all the shit got in the way. And I haven’t been this creatively inspired in years. She speaks to my soul, on an innate level. And I don’t say this lightly, because we’ve only kissed one time, and she thinks that was fake.” He fails to hide his smile. “Glad I amuse you.” I groan, planting my head on the table. “Fuck. I’ve turned into a pussy. It’s pathetic.”

  He plants a hand on my shoulder. “You’re in love, and that’s the way it’s supposed to be.”

  “Why are we even talking about this?” I ask, lifting my head up. “I’m sure you didn’t come here to talk about girls.”

  “No, but I’m always here if you need someone to talk to.” His expression softens. “I didn’t have a father around growing up either, and I know what it’s like missing that person to turn to for advice.”