Home is Where the Heart is

by Mack, Christie

  “I know I’m clever, but I’m still not clever enough to know what you’re talking about or able to read your mind. I have just come out of the hospital, so you’ll have to cut me some slack and help me out by telling me what you want to know,” Clive said, looking over the top of his reading glasses sitting on the bridge of his nose. He was an older version of Jordan, but with a receding hairline and some age spots on top of his scalp.

  Jordan drew in some air, and then exhaled a long deep breath. “Did you know Cassie was pregnant with my child?”

  “Well, of course I knew. I make it my business to know all about your life. That way I can handle it fittingly.”

  “It’s my fucking life!” Jordan exclaimed. There used to be a time when he wasn’t allowed to curse at his father. He wondered if that rule still existed, despite his age and the fact ferocity surged through his body right now. He couldn’t control the words spilling from the tip of his tongue, even though he should have been using a calmer voice for the sake of his dad’s health. His father was unbelievable, never admitting it when what he thought was right was actually wrong.

  “You shouldn’t need to handle it appropriately; I’m capable of doing that myself. I don’t need you interfering in a life that has nothing to do with you. You’re my father, not my agent. That’s what I pay Paul to do.”

  “You don’t understand, son—”

  “Oh, I understand perfectly clear, Dad. Cassie told me how you tried to bribe her with money in exchange for keeping our child a secret from me. Shit! She told me everything.” Jordan watched as his father showed no remorse whatsoever. No worry lines appeared on his face, like he wasn’t scared what this would do to his relationship with his only son. “Did you think she wouldn’t tell me? Did you actually think she would take your money? You must really think little of her.”

  “Son, I know you don’t want to hear it right now, but I was trying to protect you, and only did what I thought was right at the time. That girl wasn’t good for you or your future.”

  “That girl?” Jordan mimicked. “Shit, Dad, you make it sound like she had some contagious disease or something. Cassie was my girlfriend. I loved her. She was pregnant with my child, and I should have been here for her when she needed me the most. But you made sure I wasn’t. You were just trying to protect the precious dreams you had for me. You didn’t want anything getting in the way of what you wanted to achieve through me. You didn’t care about what I wanted, which is why you didn’t want to tell me about my own kid.”

  Jordan was shaking with his fury. How could his father sit here and believe he had done the right thing for him? Was he delusional?

  Thoughts rushed through his veins like he was going to explode at any given moment, and it made him realize a couple of things he needed to get off his chest now before he lost his nerve.

  “Our phone calls when I said I wanted to come home for a visit…you insisted I stay at school…was it because you didn’t want me to discover the truth about Cassie?”

  “You’re damn right I didn’t. I knew if you found out she was pregnant with your child, you’d want to do the right thing by her. You would have insisted on coming home and would not have continued your football scholarship. You wouldn’t have gone to a great college because you would be too busy earning money in a low-paying job you were not cut out for. Your life would have been miserable. I could see that, so I made it better for you. You certainly wouldn’t be playing in the NFL right now had you learned that boy was your son. They would have changed your entire future for you, and it wouldn’t have been for the better.” Clive inhaled deeply. Jordan knew how much this was hurting his father to speak, but he didn’t care. He had a right to know the truth about the life he could have had with Cassie and Jake.

  “How can you fucking say that?” Jordan threw his words into his father’s face in a sudden surge of anger. “Did you ever think maybe I might have enjoyed being thrown into the deep end of fatherhood? That maybe it was my dream to stand by and support Cassie during parenthood? I loved her with all my heart, and you made me lose her.”

  Lose, like she was some object. Who was he? He didn’t talk like this. Now he was blaming his father for contributing to his break-up with Cassie, like he didn’t have a backbone back then. He had been too naïve of the things to look forward to in his future to take action in his own life and stand up to his father.

  “You’re mad at me now, but you could have been sinking into a dark depression back then too. All those dreams you’d worked so hard to achieve would have been dead to you. You would regret not playing football. By not knowing you’re a father, you were able to accomplish so much. Look where you are now—you’re playing in the NFL! Can you honestly tell me you don’t enjoy the thrill you actually made it into the big leagues? That you would have still become the same superstar you are today had you discovered you were going to become a father? Think logically, son, because I am, and I don’t believe you would be where you are today.”

  “Only now I have regrets I wasn’t there for my family when I should have been. I’m not mad at you, Dad; I’m furious with you and the decisions you made on my behalf. It should have been me making those decisions, not you. It’s not your life; it’s mine. Do me a favor and stay out of my way from now on.”

  Jordan would leave it at that. He said what he needed to say, he heard what he needed to hear, and he got his answers from his father. Besides, despite the hostility brewing between the two of them—so much he couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him—he wasn’t that insensitive of a son to risk sending his father to the hospital again by causing him to suffer another heart attack from his hurtful words…no matter how true they were.

  Before he left though, he turned slightly, pressing his lips together as the man behind him stared right back at him, and Jordan said, “It wouldn’t have been my dream I was destroying. It was yours.”

  And with that, Jordan left. He didn’t know where he was going, but he did know he had to get out of the house before he did or said something he would regret later.

  He felt the urge to ball his hand into a fist and throw a punch, but he knew to control the anger building up inside him. He couldn’t do it to his father. He wasn’t like his dad. He couldn’t and wouldn’t be controlling like Clive.

  He wasn’t that kind of person.

  Later that night, Cassie had just put Jake to bed, having read him one of his favorite stories she had read him plenty of times before. Just as she has settled herself back down on the couch to finish watching one of her feel good made-for-TV movies, there was a knock at her front door.

  Wondering who could be coming to see her at this time of the night, she jumped up from the couch and made her way to the door, not caring that she wasn’t quite dressed for company. When she opened it, she found Jordan standing opposite her, his hands stuffed into his pockets and looking worse for wear.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked him; she couldn’t turn him away, even if it was all she felt like doing.

  She let him inside, and as he followed her in, he stopped and stood halfway between the door and the small foyer that led to the living room.

  Cassie ran a hand through her messy blonde hair, wrapping her slender arms around herself. “Why are you here, Jordan? I finally got Jake to sleep in the next room. You will wake him up.”

  He moved toward her. For an instant, she wanted to be spontaneous and take his face in her hands and kiss him. Instead, she backed away, keeping her hand firmly fixed on the doorknob for when she closed the door on him. Why did he always find a way to make her feel as if her heart was beating faster than it ever had before? It was like she was putting her heart in front of a firing squad. She didn’t know if she could deal with anymore of the misery she had suffered through already. She had been hurt too many times in the past. Could she really risk being burned all over again?

  “You shouldn’t be here. I think you should go home.”

  “I spoke to my dad tod
ay. I made him tell me everything.” His words slurred together. Cassie could barely make out what it was he was trying to say. She could smell alcohol on his breath again. Jordan was drunk, and then he felt the need to show up here. She couldn’t understand why he would do that. Did he want to show her a side of him she wouldn't like? She didn't like him drunk, but it was beside the point. She knew he was drinking as a way to get all the anger out of his system.

  “You’re drunk, Jordan. Why would you come see me…” she looked at the time on her watch, “…at ten o’clock at night? Yeah, that’s convenient. Once again, you’re only looking out for yourself. If you wanted to talk to me, you could have come at a more decent time of day. That would have been better than going out and knocking back so much beer. I can’t believe you thought I’d want to see you like this.” Cassie shook her head. He obviously didn’t think about the consequences of his actions. He never did. He just whatever he wanted when it suited him.

  One part of Cassie wanted to send Jordan on his merry way home, but another part of her was inclined to wrap her arms around his strapping body and tell him everything would be okay. She couldn’t help feeling this way, figuring it was the kind and compassionate motherly side coming out of her, plus the fact, once upon a time, she loved him wholeheartedly, giving herself to him since he’d been the only boy she wanted to be with. All heartbreak aside, she didn’t want to see him hurting like this. She did feel sympathetic at the fact that he had missed out on the first five years of his son’s life. Cassie knew part of this was her fault. She could have tried standing up to his father and doing what was morally right and confessing all to Jordan about the child they shared together, but she guessed she thought by keeping him out of the loop, she too was protecting his dream. Jordan had been her first love and at the time of their relationship, the naïve part of Cassie had thought she and Jordan would be able to make it work outside of high school, living the perfect happily ever after in a fairy tale kind of way. Cassie knew it was naïve of her to think this but at the time, she had been young and in love. She couldn’t see clearly other than what she wanted for her life.

  “I’m sorry,” Jordan mumbled before attempting to stumble away.

  Cassie couldn’t let him walk away without asking him something. One particular question had been embedded in her mind since the day their relationship came to an end.

  “Why did you text me?”

  This made Jordan stop, ponder for a moment, and then turn around to face Cassie, his dark eyes hazy either from the alcohol or confusion.

  “What?” he asked as his eyes narrowed.

  Cassie crossed her arms over her chest and struck a pose with her foot out. “The night you sent me that message to break up with me—if you were just going to break up with me once you left, then why didn’t you tell me you didn’t want to be with me before you left town? I believed you when you said you would come back so you could be with me. You said I was your happily ever after, and you couldn’t see yourself being with anyone else. You told me I was it for you. I believed you, and then you threw it all back in my face. You broke my heart that night, Jordan.”

  He didn’t say anything in return.

  “How am I supposed to believe you want to be a part our lives when you can’t even give me a straight answer for the one question I have for you? It’s one thing for you to break my heart, but you cannot just waltz back into town expecting to be a part of our lives and pick up where we left off. I won’t let you be a part of our lives if you’re only going to walk out on us. But you know what? You haven’t even said you want to be in our lives, so I don’t know what I’m going on about,” she said the last part more to herself.

  Would she get a straight answer from him?

  “I was led to believe you had already moved on with your life right after I left…that you didn’t really need me anymore,” Jordan replied.

  “By who?” Cassie raised an eyebrow on her curious face.

  “My dad. He said he saw you out one night with your friends, and you were laughing a lot and drinking with some guy he didn’t know.”

  “So you just assumed I didn’t want to be with you anymore? Or maybe it was your dad who had put the idea into your head, and then told you how I would just tie you down and wouldn’t allow you to achieve your dreams. Well, I guess we know Clive won. He got what he wanted. You’re a big football star and no one is tying you down. Congratulations."

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Jordan asked.

  “C’mon, I may live in Yellow Valley, but I don’t live underneath a rock. I’ve seen your face splashed across those trashy tabloid magazines and gossip websites. You’re out with a different woman practically every week. You seemed to have moved on from me just fine. I’m sure your father was proud to know I was no longer a valuable part of your life anymore. He got what he wanted. I’m out of the picture.”

  Jordan took one step forward, closing the gap between them. Cassie yearned to take in the musky scent of his aftershave, but she also wanted space. “So that’s what it is...you’re jealous, because you still have a thing for me.” His voice was deeper and lowered like he was trying to seduce her into letting him back into her life. If Cassie wasn’t careful, despite all the warning bells going off in her head, she just might be susceptible enough to do so. Right now, her head and her heart were telling her two different things, neither of which were helping solve the dilemma she was in at the moment.

  She stepped back and raised one hand between her and Jordan. “I do not have a thing for you. I couldn’t care less who or what you do in your spare time when you’re not playing football. However, I do care about the welfare of my child. I don’t want him to become just another person who takes backseat to your career, one you’ll dump and then move on from when something better and brighter comes your way."

  “I would never do that to my own kid,” Jordan muttered, coming closer to Cassie, and with each step he took toward her, she stepped backwards as they fell into a slow stride together.

  At that moment, as his gaze continued to fall upon her face, her hands flung to her hair as she tried to smooth it down in an effort to look a little better groomed, a nervous habit she’d always had that Jordan recognized. Having no success, she gave up. Jordan had seen her at her worst anyway. Why would her appearance be any concern now?

  “You don’t have to hide how you look from me. You’re beautiful, just as gorgeous now as you were six years ago.”

  Flattery would get him everywhere, and Jordan knew it too. Was his aim to butter her up in an attempt to crawl his way back into her life? She knew it could work, but she had to at least try and be strong for her sanity.

  She stood in one spot, unable to back away any further or she’d risk running into the table she had there, and cursed the day she bought it. Why did she need a table at the entrance of her house anyway? Oh, wait. It was there to hold all my keys and a notepad for writing messages, she thought, her mind going haywire at his close proximity.

  Now Jordan was merely inches from her, his head bowed down to reach her as his nose briefly touched hers and he placed a hand along her cheekbone as if he was going to kiss her. Cassie moved sideways, thwarting any chance he thought he had to get close enough to kiss her. She turned around with her back to him so she couldn’t see his face. He couldn’t kiss her, and she wouldn’t let him. She couldn’t allow herself to fall into old patterns and be subdued by Jordan’s alluring charm, despite how much her body wanted him right now.

  Cassie desperately yearned for any sign that he would walk out the door and never look back, but he didn’t give her one. He was now hovering over her, and Cassie could feel his hot breath on the back of her neck. She could still picture his damn piercing brown eyes and charismatic-yet-smug grin upon his endearing face. She never could turn him away, no matter much she wanted to.

  She could smell the sweet scent of his cologne, which wasn’t overpowering the smell of alcohol like she wished it would. His cologne hadn
’t changed since high school, and as he was literally breathing down her neck, she realized it was going to take all her willpower and strength to say no to Jordan, because all she wanted to do right now was fall back into his arms. But she couldn’t. How was he always able to make her feel as though she was powerless to his attraction? He couldn’t touch her without her wanting more.

  Jordan swept her hair to the other side of her neck so that it cascaded across her shoulder as his rough fingers lightly brushed against her skin, unaware of the sensations his touch made her feel, like she would go weak in the knees.

  This is going to be harder than I imagined, she thought, trying with all her might to fight her returning feelings for Jordan. As she turned around, ready to convince Jordan—as well as her own mental stability—he needed to leave, her forehead brushed against his, and she realized she could no longer hold back what it was she was feeling. She allowed Jordan’s lips to softly brush against hers in one very sweet but sensual kiss, which lingered longer than she expected it to. His kiss was the same as it was before. She couldn’t say she didn’t like it either, because she did. She liked it a lot.

  As their lips met once more, Cassie felt her eyes flutter shut and she lost all her uncertainties and qualms as she was swept up in the moment. She didn’t care she shouldn’t be kissing him right now and was reverting back to her former self. She suddenly didn’t want to think about anything else other than the love she knew she still felt for Jordan. It was simply buried deep down inside her, looking for an escape out of the box she had confined it to for the past six years.

  That kiss hadn’t been an impulse between two sexually attracted people; it was an insight into how much he wanted her, cared for her. He couldn’t resist her anymore than she could resist him. Their attraction wasn’t going away, as much as she would have liked it to.