Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  “Okay. Something come up for work?”

  His expression turns serious. “No. I’m going to my parents. I’m going to talk to my dad. We’re going to have a little conversation about what happened last night.”

  I swear things can’t be okay for more than a damn minute. “Julian, no, please don’t do that. I just met your parents and it’s going to cause a huge problem. Your mom and I got along great and you making a big deal about last night is going to ruin everything. This is my problem, not his.”

  “Listen to me, because I’m only going to say this once. What happened last night wasn’t your fault. My dad was drunk off his ass and he was completely inappropriate. I saw how he was looking at you. It wasn’t your imagination. Nobody is going to look at you that way or make you feel uncomfortable, ever. I love my mom, but she has made her decision to stay with him and no matter how many times he falls off the wagon or strays, she stays. I hate it, but she’s made it clear it isn’t my business. You, on the other hand, are my business.”

  “I get it, Julian, but he was drunk. I’m sure it won’t happen again. Let it go, please.”

  “Do you remember how I told you my dad had an affair after Isabelle died?” I nod. “The woman he had an affair with was a rubia, like you, blonde, young, and beautiful. His comment about the way you looked last night is what set me off. My mom doesn’t know who she was, but I made it my mission to find out. I wanted to know who helped ruin my family. Turns out she was just a young, naïve admin who got caught up in the web of lies my dad spun. Anyway, it all came back to me last night. When I thought about it again this morning, I made the decision to let him know the way it’s going to be.”

  “You can’t ruin your relationship with your dad over me. I don’t want that on my shoulders.”

  He chuckles sarcastically. “My relationship with my dad was ruined ten years ago when he all but walked out on his family. My dad was everything I wanted to be until I was twenty and everything I don’t want to be since. I know you think this is about you, but it really isn’t. He crossed a line last night that I can’t ignore, and you shouldn’t ask me to. I’m not going to talk about it anymore.”

  He says it with such finality I know nothing I say is going to change his mind. We sit for a few minutes, silently, as I absorb what he just told me. When I look at my watch, I see I’ve been gone for over an hour and really need to get back to the office. Not to mention Julian seems to be done talking. I stand up and Julian follows.

  “I have to go. I’ve been gone a long time.”

  Julian walks me to the door. “Thank you for coming here, Corazón. It made my whole day better.”

  “Mine too.” I kiss him goodbye and close the door behind me as I walk out. I feel better about us but worse about what happened with his dad. I see there’s nothing I can do about it so I try and let it go, but I hope Julian knows what he’s doing.

  I get my car from the garage and drive back to work. When I get back to my office, I pull my phone out of my purse and turn it on. I completely forgot Luke had texted, and when the phone powers up I see he has texted again and called as well. His second text and voicemail say the same thing: he needs to talk to me. I answer because I’m curious and because I worry he won’t stop and I don’t need another reason to set Julian off today. He’s tense enough and Luke blowing up my phone would be bad.

  Alexa: What do you need Luke?

  Luke: To talk, Lex

  Alexa: Nothing to say

  Luke: Lots to say.

  The phone rings as I’m writing how he already said enough last time I saw him.

  “There isn’t anything to talk about, Luke. We said everything we needed to say.”

  “It’s not about me. It’s about Brady, or about Brady’s mom, really. She’s having a really rough time lately, because of the anniversary Friday, and she wants to talk to you. She asked me to call you and see if you’d come up here and talk to her.”

  Okay, I didn’t expect to ever hear these words. Brady’s parents never really bothered to get to know me and didn’t say more than a few words at the funeral a year ago.

  “What does she want to talk about, Luke? There isn’t anything to say, now, a year later.”

  “She didn’t say what she wants to talk about but she practically begged me to call you. She sounded desperate, Lex. Maybe it’ll help you too.”

  I laugh sarcastically. “Help me. Since when do you care about helping me, Luke?”

  He doesn’t answer my question. “Like I said, this isn’t about me. Think about it and let me know. She wants to meet with you on Saturday. She works all week.”

  “Of course it’s on her time schedule. Brady always did say she liked to do things when she was good and ready. Anyway, I don’t think this is going to work for me. I really don’t have anything to say about this or to you. I’m trying to put it all behind me and move on.”

  “How’s that been working for you, Lexie?”

  “Fuck you, Luke!” And with that I hang up. Really? I don’t think this day could be filled with any more drama.

  I can’t get Luke off of my mind the rest of the day. I hate to admit it but it felt good to hear his voice. It was a voice I heard almost every day for seven years. It felt good until I remembered why we weren’t talking. Then I just felt the pain of what happened between us. The whole thing with Brady’s mom has me conflicted too. I can’t help but wonder what she wants to talk about and why we can’t do it over the phone. I don’t want to go to his parent’s house. He died there, in the pool house. He also raped me there. Why in the world would I want to go there?

  I’m pretty much useless the rest of the day because I can’t focus on anything but what Julian and I talked about and what Luke and I talked about. I really don’t want to go to Julian’s and be there by myself, so I decide to leave a little early and go home. I’m not sure what kind of mood he’s going to be in when he gets home or if he really will want me there anyway. I’m pretty tired from last night and although I love sleeping with Julian, I worry about having another nightmare. It stresses me out to always worry about what I’m going to say, or do, when I’m asleep.

  On the way home I stop at Cocowalk to do a little shopping. It usually makes me feel better and serves as a great distraction from the soap opera that is my life. Victoria’s Secret is having a great sale and I pick up two new bras, a few pairs of panties, and a cami & shorts PJ set. I also pop into White House Black Market and leave with a really cute, white chiffon halter. I don’t buy any shoes which is victory for me on some levels. I also grab some frozen yogurt for dinner before I go home. Not exactly the healthiest choice, but it’s hot outside and it’s perfect.

  I haven’t let Julian know I’m not going to be there when he gets back. He might get upset so I wait until seven before I text him.

  Alexa: Hey – just letting you know I came home. I’m so tired. Call me when you’re free.

  I don’t get a reply for almost an hour.

  Julian: Ok. Leaving now. Going to go work out. Talk to you later

  Alexa: Are you ok?

  Julian: I’ll call you later

  I’m going to take that as a no, he’s not okay. That he didn’t seem to care I wasn’t there coupled with the fact he usually works out in the morning makes me think he needs some space to deal with what’s going on. I know something about that so I respect it.

  Julian doesn’t call until after ten. I’m half asleep, but I made sure to keep the phone next to me so I’d hear it when he called. “Hey you.”

  “Hey. Sorry it’s late. You sound like you were asleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  “No, I’m up. How are you?”

  I can tell he’s not in a good mood. His voice is clipped and monotone.

  “I’m fine. Tired. Why don’t you go back to sleep and we can talk tomorrow.”

  “Julian, I’m here to listen if you need to talk.”

  “Thanks, but I’m all talked out right now.”

  I chuckl
e a little. “I get that and I won’t push.” I’m disappointed though. I do want to know what happened when he went to his parents. There’s a pause on the other end of the phone and I hear Julian exhale. I wait patiently.

  “I owe you an apology.”

  “For what?” He hasn’t done anything wrong that I know of which means I’m about to be surprised by something bad. It makes me sit up in anticipation.

  “Today is Isabelle’s birthday. She would’ve been twenty-six today. I knew it wouldn’t be an easy day for my parents and it was such a bad idea for them to meet you right now.”

  I don’t know what to say. He did tell me not long ago his sister was born in June, but seeing as I’m trying to forget my own birthday, I didn’t think about it after that initial conversation. It’s so odd he didn’t bring it up before now. Nobody in his family let on at all. Both his mom and Danny seemed happy. His dad was drunk when he walked in so I have no benchmark for his demeanor. But it makes total sense now why his mom made the comment about Isabelle.

  “Why wouldn’t you say something to me about it?”

  “You don’t like to talk about birthdays and especially ones that have bad memories around them. This falls into that category. I asked my mom about going out to dinner with us, with you, before I said anything to you and she said it was fine and that it would help take her mind off of Isabelle. My dad was the one who made a big deal about you going to begin with so I thought he would be okay and on his best behavior. I was wrong and I’m sorry.”

  My heart breaks for him. “And you. Why didn’t you talk to me about how you were feeling? This is a big deal.”

  “I don’t talk about it with anyone.”

  “I’m not just anyone.” My voice trails off as I wait for confirmation I am different.

  “No, you’re not just anyone.”

  I wait for the “but”, but it doesn’t come. He’s still not going to talk to me and it bothers me. I’m well aware I’m the very last person who can get mad someone isn’t sharing feelings, but in this case I feel a little rejected. I’m trying to be supportive and it’s not getting me anywhere.

  He knows me well enough to know I’m a little wounded by this so, in typical Julian fashion, he tries to make me feel better.

  “Lexie, I’m in a really, really bad mood. I’m tired and I’m worn out from what went down at my parents. I know you’re trying to be supportive and I appreciate it. I really do. But this is so much bigger than I can get into with you right now. I’ll just tell you that my family is a mess. My dad is fucked up and my mom is a total enabler. I confronted my dad and my mom made excuses for him. He denied doing or saying anything wrong. My dad brought up Isabelle and it all went downhill. It always comes back to her and to her death.”

  I know a little about death too, and I know what Brady’s death did to me. It’s not even close to the same thing and it completely rocked my world. I try to show some sympathy for his parents. “I’m sure this time of year is hard. I can’t imagine how they must feel around her birthday.”

  My attempt to be supportive backfires, and now I know why Julian didn’t want to talk about it. He lets loose with a tone that says he doesn’t agree with me at all. I hear the anger and pain simmering beneath his words.

  “Don’t make any excuses for them, not ever. It doesn’t have to be her birthday. It can be any day or any week of any year. Her death isn’t an excuse to act the way he’s been acting for ten years, and there’s no way my mom should support him. I lost her too. I miss her every day. But, I don’t use it as an excuse to fuck up my life and the lives of those around me. The past is the past. You can either choose to move on and make the best of things or you can sit in the shit forever and play the victim. I’m not a victim and I don’t have time for victims.”

  I listen to him vent and although I want what he’s saying to be about his parents, I can’t help but think he’s directing his comments at me as well. I know he thinks I play the victim and I know he wishes I was over everything that happened with Brady. It hasn’t been ten years and I didn’t lose a child, but to me, pain is pain and we all deal with it in different ways and in our own time. I agree with some of what he’s saying, but it has become perfectly clear Julian hasn’t dealt with the death of his sister at all. He just thinks he has because he’s willed himself to be okay with all of it. It’s why he doesn’t talk about it or have pictures out. It’s why he keeps most people at arm’s length. He can’t handle another loss. I think about the tattoo on his wrist and wonder if that was his way of keeping her close to him without having to really think about her. I’m starting to get a better picture of the man I’ve fallen in love with. That he wants to be close to me seems even more significant now and I feel a little honored that this man, who doesn’t let people in, has given me the keys, literally and figuratively, to his life.

  I pick my words carefully. “All I know, Julian, is that I’m here for you. That’s it. I’m here for you and I wish I was there with you. I’d like to be able to comfort you like you always do for me.”

  “Gracias. That means a lot. But, I’m okay. Really. I worked out hard and I need to get some sleep. So, I’m going to go. I’ll talk to you in the morning. Okay?”

  He’s shut down and he’s done. I get it. That’s one thing we can agree on.

  “Okay. Sweet dreams, Julian. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Good night, Lexie.”

  I lie awake for a while after we hang up and process what he said to me. There was so much about Julian I didn’t know until now. He really isn’t much different than me in that he doesn’t want people to know how he feels deep inside. I have to admit it pretty much sucks to be on the other side of the fence.

  My choice to spend the night at my house ends up being a great one. First, because Julian wanted nothing to do with me tonight and second, because I have a scaled down version of the same dream I had last night. I say scaled down because I wake myself up with my own screams before I get out of bed. I don’t know if they’re really screams because neither Marissa nor Shannon come running in, but they felt like the real deal to me.

  I wake up feeling sick to my stomach and covered in sweat. As I get up to use the bathroom I think how tired I am of this. I also think about what Julian said about dealing with things and moving on. I know these dreams are about the rape, even though I told Julian they weren’t. I think I didn’t have these specific dreams before because I had blocked it out and was so focused on Brady dying. My nightmares are mostly about that, about my guilt over not forgiving him, and about me finding him. Now that I’ve let the rape out into the universe, it wants to be addressed.

  I can’t fall back asleep right away and when my alarm goes off at seven, I know I’ve only had a few hours of sleep. I pick up my phone and place a call to Ellen right away. I do it before I change my mind. Today is the day when I’m going to tell Ellen, and my friends, what happened to me. I also want Julian there so I can get it all out in one fell swoop. Two nights like this, with this nightmare, have left me in tatters. I can’t keep doing this and talking about it is the only way I can think of to make it stop.

  I also send a text to Julian.

  Alexa: Hope your night was better than mine. Another nightmare…is there any way you’d be willing to come with me to my session with Ellen tonight? I’m asking Mari and Shannon too. I want to tell all of them what happened. I don’t want to be a victim anymore.

  I know Julian will be up this early, because he always is. He calls me right back.

  “I wasn’t talking about you being a victim last night. I told you that wasn’t about you.”

  “It could’ve been. I haven’t really dealt with this and I need to. I deny it but I know I do. I can’t keep living like this. I don’t want to either.”

  He pauses and doesn’t argue. “Yes, I’ll be there with you. Six-thirty?”

  “Yes. And thank you. I’ll text you the address. Julian, how are you today?” I wish he was there for me to hug. I mi
ss him.

  “Better. Thanks for asking.”

  “I miss you. I could use a hug … and a kiss.”

  “I miss you too. I’ve got another call coming in from the hotel so I need to get off, but I’ll call you later, okay.”

  “Okay, bye Julian.”

  He clicks over before I finish saying his name and tears spring to my eyes. PMS, anxiety, his absence—it’s a little overwhelming. I give myself a pep talk and hop in the shower. When I get out I hear my phone beep. There’s a new voicemail from Ellen telling me she’s okay with my plan and a text from Julian.

  Julian: I’m proud of you. I know it’s scary. Xoxo (not the real thing but best I can do right now.)

  I read the text and feel so much better.

  Marissa and Shannon are both sitting in the kitchen when I come in. I make a cup of coffee and sit with them at the table.

  “Are you both free tonight for about an hour? If you are, I’d like you to come to my session with Ellen tonight.”

  They look at each other and then at me.

  “What’s going on?” Shannon is looking at me skeptically.

  “I just want to talk about something with you. It’s the anniversary of Brady’s death this weekend and I’ve been really stressed. I know it’s not good to keep everything inside so I thought this would be a good place to share some feelings I’m having.”

  I feel awful lying to them but there isn’t any other way to get them to not start asking me a million questions.

  Marissa replies first. “I can go. Six-thirty?”

  “Thank you. Yes, six-thirty. And by the way, Julian will be there too.”

  “All of us and Julian. What’s really going on?” Shannon is usually the one to see through my B.S.”

  “What I said Shannon. I don’t feel like talking about it over and over again.”

  Shannon agrees to come but still doesn’t look like she believes me.

  To try and convince them, I mention Luke’s phone call yesterday. They agree I don’t need to go to West Palm, but like me, they’re curious about what Brady’s mom wants.