Hold On

by Hilary Wynne

  “Please go. I can’t do this. I can’t say goodbye to you again. You need to leave. You should’ve just left last night when you decided you couldn’t be with me.” I get up and walk into the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I slide down the door onto the floor and press my cheek against the cool, white tile floor. The sobs I’ve been trying to control start ripping through my body in surges. I just lie there and let them.

  Luke doesn’t knock on the door and I have no idea if he stayed and for how long. I’m not sure how long I lay on the floor but I don’t move until I hear Marissa’s voice on the other side of the door.

  “Lex, open the door.” She uses her “I’m not messing around” voice.

  I move away from the door and unlock it. She walks in, takes one look at me and drops to the ground to give me a hug.

  “I saw Luke on his way out. I saw his car here this morning and wasn’t sure what was going on. He was in tears and asked me to take care of you. What happened?”

  I pull my knees up to my chest and wipe my face on the towel hanging on the shower. “What always happens. I make bad decisions and fuck everything up. I can’t go through this again. Every time I give my heart to someone I get it handed back to me in a million little pieces. I’m not sure what I did to deserve this but it must’ve been really bad.”

  “Do you want to tell me what happened with Luke?”

  Marissa listens to me as I tell her about our night. I tell her everything starting from Julian asking Luke to check-up on me to when Luke walked out the door. I skip some of the intimate details of the night, but for the most part she knows the whole story. If I’ve learned anything over the last few months it’s that keeping secrets and holding stuff in usually hurts me more than anyone else.

  “I’m so sorry. I’m not surprised though. I think this was always meant to happen. You guys hooking up, I mean. Until you met Julian, I always thought you two would end up together too. I’m so sorry it played out like this. You don’t deserve to be hurt so badly. I don’t think Luke wanted this.”

  Through my sniffling I agree. “He wasn’t trying to hurt me. He was trying to be mature.” I chuckle a little. “Of all the times for Luke to act mature and responsible with a girl.”

  Marissa offers me a small smile. “What are you going to do now?”

  I shrug. “Whatever I can to get through this I guess. I’m not sure what that is though. I’ve lost Brady, Julian, and Luke in the last year and a half. I don’t think I can deal with anything else. I really don’t.” I’m not being dramatic when I say this to Marissa either. I was hanging on by a few threads before last night. Now the one thread I’m clinging to is fraying rapidly.

  Marissa stands up and I notice she’s holding a folded piece of paper in her hand.

  “Luke gave this to me to give to you. I didn’t read it and have no idea what it says. I’m not sure you should read it now though.”

  I take it from her hand and set it down on the floor next to me. I’m not sure I want to read it.

  “What time is it?”

  Marissa looks at her watch. “Nine-thirty. I’ve got to get going. I was working a little from home today but I have some appointments this afternoon. Are you going in?”

  “Yes. I have an appointment at one that I can’t miss. I’m pretty sure this guy is going to write a contract today on a really expensive unit. He’s looked at it five times and he insisted on meeting me again today. I was excited about it. It’s a huge sale with a big ass commission, my biggest ever, actually.”

  “Well then you need to get your ass in the shower and pull it together. You can come home and cry more later.” She grabs the paper next to me and puts it in her pocket. “I’m going to save this for later tonight, or never. I won’t read it, I promise. But you look like you’ve been crying for months. We can deal with this later. K?”

  “Fine by me. Thanks, Mari … again.”

  “I love ya, Lex. I’ll be home by six. I’ll pick up Chinese and we can sit and discuss this more. Go close that deal.”

  She reaches down and pulls me up. She gives me a hug and walks out. I think about her words as I wait for the water to warm up. She’s right. I need to focus and get this deal done today. I take a shower and try to rinse away all of the hurt and sadness I’m feeling. It doesn’t help but at least I look a little better when I get out. I blow-dry my hair, do my best to camouflage my swollen eyes with too much eye makeup, and head into my closet to find an outfit to brighten my spirits. I feel like I’m in mourning and I keep gravitating toward clothes that are black. I can’t bring myself to put on anything bright so I settle on a blue, black, and beige damask printed, cap sleeve, sheath dress with a geometric pattern. I dig through my shoe boxes and find my beige, snakeskin Rachel Roy pumps with a pointed toe and leather trim stiletto heels. I’ve only worn these one other time and forgot how much I loved them. My mood is brightened momentarily by my beautiful shoes. How pathetic is that? So unlucky in matters of the heart but so blessed in the shoe department. At least I make myself smile a little. Considering I was in a ball on the floor an hour ago I’m doing remarkably well. I recall Marissa’s pep talk and pull myself together. I grab some coffee on the way out the door and head to work.

  There isn’t any traffic at this time of the morning so I get to The Promenade in great time. I slip into my office and nobody seems to notice I’m running so late. I turn my computer on, pull out my client’s folder and start reviewing everything we’ve discussed. I feel confident we’ve found the perfect unit for him and that I’ll make the sale today. It’ll be my fourth sale and it’s only the middle of the month. I’m on target to make more money this month than any two months combined and I keep reminding myself of what I good job I’m doing at work.

  Despite the fact that I am fighting back tears most of the day, I’m able to separate my personal life from my professional one. Nobody seems to be able to see thorough the mask that is hiding the pain I’m feeling and I’m proud of that. I need to stay focused and keep moving forward. When my client comes in we run through the unit one more time and I work hard to erase any lingering doubts he has that this is the right move for him. My powers of persuasion didn’t work on Luke this morning, but they do here and by three-thirty he’s given me a deposit and all of the information I need to get the contract drawn up.

  I needed this, especially today, when I feel like my life is careening towards darkness again. The sale helps bolster my mood and I manage to get through the rest of the day without breaking down. All in all, I consider it a huge success.

  Marissa has left the note from Luke on my bed and it’s calling to me when I walk in my room. I get myself a glass of wine first and sit down to read what he wrote. I open the paper slowly and see Luke’s familiar writing. My heart is racing and I feel sick. I’m not sure I can read it, but I’m not sure that I can’t. I take a sip of my wine and blink away the tears that are already forming.

  Lex –

  I sat outside your door for about fifteen minutes listening to you cry. It was the most painful thing I’ve done outside of burying Brady. I know I keep comparing this to that, but it almost feels as bad. I wanted to knock the door down, hold you in my arms, and tell you that everything was going to be okay. But, I couldn’t. It’s not okay. None of this is okay. I hope someday it’s better though.

  You’ve been the best part of my life for seven years and there are no words to describe how much I’m going to miss you. Please know I’ll never stop loving you.

  I heard a song after we stopped talking a few months ago and it made me think of you. It’s called Time of Our Lives by Tyrone Wells. Please listen to it.

  No regrets Hooka,

  Luke

  I can’t believe he’s telling me to listening to a song. That’s such a page from my book. It’s not a song I know so I go to iTunes, download it and look up the lyrics. I play it and read the words in front of me through my tears.

  This is where the chapter ends

  And
new one now begins

  Time has come for letting go

  The hardest part is when you know

  All of these years

  When we were here

  Are ending

  But I’ll always remember

  We have had the time of our lives

  And now the page is turned

  The stories we will write

  We have had the time of our lives

  And I will not forget the faces left behind

  It’s hard to walk away from the best of days

  But if it has to end, I’m glad you have been my friend

  In the time of our lives

  Where the water meets the land

  There is shifting in the sand

  Like the tight that ebbs and flows

  Memories will come and go

  We say goodbye, we hold on tight

  To these memories that never die

  We say goodbye, we hold on tight

  To these memories that never die

  But if it has to end, I’m glad you have been my friend

  In the time of our lives

  Time of Our Lives - Tyrone Wells

  I play the song over and over again as tears stream down my face and the sobs I’ve been holding off all day begin to wrack my body. The lyrics hit home and I force myself to acknowledge that Luke and I are really, really over. I listen to the song at least fifteen times before I turn it off. I lie in my bed and try to figure out how I got here. Five months ago I was struggling to deal with the aftermath of Brady. I was pulled through the pain by Julian’s love only to be devastated by the reality that the life I dreamt of having with him wasn’t going to happen. I lost Luke twice in the process and came out of all of it being so very alone. Each time I thought my heart was broken, but I guess I hadn’t reached the bottom until now. Now my heart is truly shattered.

  After Brady died, after he killed himself, I struggled to imagine what kind of pain he must’ve been in to have felt like he had no other options. Even after the rape and the discovery of his body, I was able to find the strength to get up every day and move forward. It may have been an inch at a time but I did it. My ability to deal may have had something to do with the fact that I spent a lot of time feeling numb. I really wasn’t feeling anything until Julian came in and made me love him. I held off the pain of the rape by pretending it didn’t happen. Luke made me feel that pain when he forced me to admit it did happen. Then he made me aware of my feelings for him too. These men made me feel. They made me feel deeply. Now I find I’m relating to Brady’s despair. It’s like I’ve come full circle in some twisted way. I never thought about not wanting to wake up. That is, until today.

  Sadness has been a constant companion in my life for so long now that I’m unfortunately beginning to get crushed under its weight. Because I’m feeling everything now, I’m being forced to deal with something I haven’t felt before. Hopelessness. I’m unable to see past this pain and this moment in time. I can’t see myself ever wanting to love another person again. I can’t imagine any kind of future with love in it. I can’t imagine ever feeling whole again.

  As I lie on my bed and stare at the letter Luke left, the day fades into the night and my room becomes dark. When Marissa comes in to talk to me I pretend I’m asleep. I hear her check on me a few times throughout the evening and each time I keep my eyes tightly shut. I can’t talk about this anymore. Not to her, not to Ellen, not to anyone.

  I eventually fall asleep only to be plagued by indescript dreams of Brady, Luke, and Julian. They’re all like ghosts in these dreams and slip through my hands each time I reach out to them. I wake up sobbing and feeling like I’m suffocating. The rest of the night plays out in a similar fashion and when I get out of bed in the morning I feel like I’m recovering from the biggest hangover on record. But I also have a new outlook.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  I shower and get ready for work with a new sense of purpose. My personal life is in ruins but my professional life couldn’t be better. I decide I’m going to focus on that and put all my energy into making money. I suck at love, but I’m a hell of a salesperson. I dig through my closet once again to find something that fits my mood. I decide to go with a black and gray, hounds tooth, A-line skirt and a black, sculpted, silk tank. The outfit goes with the black, T-strap, Alejandro Ingelmo pumps I splurged on with my last paycheck. I pull my hair back into a tight, straight ponytail. I do wonders with my eye makeup and manage to hide the fact I’ve been crying for days. I look in the mirror and nod at myself. The look and the outfit feel powerful and a bit hard. It’s exactly the image I want to project.

  Marissa and Shannon are sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee. I know Shannon is here because Marissa told her what happened. I make myself a cup of coffee and sit with them.

  “I’m okay. I mean, I’ll be okay. I cried it out yesterday and I really don’t want to talk about Luke, Julian, or Brady anymore. You know what happened and I’m not hiding anything or in denial about anything. I literally can’t deal with this stuff anymore. I need to move on and I can’t do that if I keep living in the past. I want to focus on work. Okay?”

  I look back and forth between them. They both look at me skeptically.

  Shannon responds first. “Did you plan that speech?”

  I smile slowly. “Yes. In the shower.”

  “You have to do what’s best for you, but we’re here to listen anytime.” Marissa always says what I need to hear.

  “I know. You two are the best. I can’t believe you aren’t sick of me. I’m sick of me.”

  I get up and give each of them a hug and a smile. I’ve decided to fake it until I make it. “I’ll see you two later.”

  When I get into my car I exhale. That was harder than I thought. I’m tired of being the victim and the girl that everyone is worried about all of the time. I vow to keep it together when I’m around my friends.

  The first person I see when I walk into the office is Serena. She’s perched up near the front desk with a fake smile, and by the way she’s looking at me I know I’m about to hear something shitty.

  “Hey Alexa. I saw Julian last night when Alejandra and I were over Yvette’s. He came by to pick up some clothes his Aunt bought for the baby. It was so cute. He seems so excited. I guess he and Caroline are getting everything ready for their baby.”

  Fucking bitch. Really? That’s how this day is going to start? I’m about to say something back when Lauren interjects. She was coming in behind me and heard Serena’s comment. She stops right in front of Serena.

  “Serena, I know it’s hard not to be such a petty bitch, especially because you have no life of your own, but do us all a favor and find someone else to torment. All you do is say mean, thoughtless shit all day long and we’re all pretty tired of it, and of you. Trust me when I tell you that both Lexie and I have been really professional, but it’s been hard and if you don’t stop antagonizing her, I promise, I for one, will stop playing nice.”

  Serena actually has the nerve to look offended. It makes me smile a little. I don’t say anything and walk past them into my office. Lauren follows me in and shuts the door behind me.

  “I swear I want to kick her ass. I mean really slap that fake ass smile off her face. I’m sorry she said that to you.”

  “Thanks for having my back again. I’m not up for her today. I’m trying to stay focused on work and I don’t need anyone bringing up Julian. I have a hard enough time not thinking about him.”

  “Well, that should shut her up.” Lauren sits down in the chair in front of my desk. “Anyway, congrats on the sale yesterday. That’s awesome. Drinks on you when that check rolls in.”

  I smile again. “You know it. Drinks and a bunch of new shoes.”

  Lauren and I talk for a few more minutes about some other potential buyers and work-related issues. After she walks out, Evelyn walks in.

  “Lexie, honey, you’ve got a call on line three. It’s a Danny Bauer.”

&nb
sp; She intentionally came and did that so Serena could hear that Danny was calling me. I owe her one and as I catch a glimpse of Serena’s face, I know she’s the one who is upset now. I’m not sure why Danny would be calling me. We haven’t spoken since Julian and I broke up. I take a deep breath before I answer. “This is Alexa.” I don’t want to sound too friendly.

  “Hey, Lexie. It’s Danny. How are you?”

  His voice is familiar and sounds so much like Julian’s. My heart sinks a bit. “I’m doing well, Danny. What’s up?”

  He pauses for a minute and I can hear him exhale. “Well, I have a client who is in the market. He’s looking outside the Bellavista. He brought up The Promenade and I thought about you. If he goes there I’d like to connect him with you. He’s been a client for years and I want him to get good service. It’ll be a big sale. Interested?”

  Um yeah. “Sure, Danny. Thank you for thinking about me. Can you email me his contact numbers and I’ll reach out today.”

  “I’d like to sit and talk about this with you before you meet with him. Can you do lunch today? I’m down here now.”

  I’m really not interested in seeing a Bauer today. “Can’t we talk about it over the phone?”

  “It’s a complicated situation and I’d like to explain it all in person. Plus, I’d love to see you.”

  I love Danny. He’s always been so sweet to me. “You’ll come alone, right? And it’s just about business, okay?”

  “Just business and just me, I promise.”

  “Okay then. I have an appointment at ten that shouldn’t take more than a few hours. I can meet you somewhere at noon. How about we go a few doors down to Jett’s?”