Broken Survivor

by Jennifer Labelle

  It’s been twelve long years since that horrible night when one person decided if he couldn’t have you, then nobody else would, either. We’ve all suffered because of one stupid decision by a selfish, heartless person who made the choice to take away a mother from her young daughters and the rest of her family.

  He took you away and stole our childhood because of it. It sucks that we had to grow up so fast and take care of ourselves. We lost a lot of people along our journey. I’m not sure what’s bringing all of this up again, but I had to get it out there.

  I know it’s not your fault, Mom, and you’d be here in a heartbeat if given the choice. But at the same time, I feel like you should have known better. Weren’t there any signs? Because we sure as hell weren’t blinded to them.

  I have to constantly remind myself of the blessings I now have, and it helps me through the toughest parts, especially when I’m forced to remember how you last looked.

  No matter how hard I try to forget or move forward, the images creep up on me, and I’m not sure exactly what triggers them. I keep that to myself most of the time, though.

  Zander’s great, but there are times I miss talking to Jace. We lost contact a couple of years back, and I’m afraid too much time has passed to bug him with any of it, so I’ve given up on that thought.

  I hope you were with me somehow on my special day and will be through all of the big moments in my life.

  I wish I could feel you around.

  As life goes on and the years pass by, I still secretly fear I’ll forget all of the small, precious moments we shared. I’ve got some pictures, a few things that belonged to you, and what memories I fight to keep, but is that enough?

  Our time was limited, but I hope so.

  I love you.

  XOXO

  Holly

  ***

  The little white bungalow was perfect for them right now, and though most people would have called it small, it was much bigger than the apartment they were about to leave. It had a beautiful closed-in deck at the back for entertaining and barbeques and a large backyard for Ashton and any future little one to play in. It came with a large shed and a really great detached garage that Zander looked forward to working in. She’d found him a 1980 Chevrolet Camaro Z28 and bought it in hopes that it would make up for the beautiful black baby he once had. It wasn’t a Trans Am, but it was close, and he hoped to work on it with their son. Best yet, the house was still central, and close to the family. They’d just signed the papers and gotten the keys to move in the other day.

  She stood at the open window looking out at the pretty hues of pink and orange while the sun set on the horizon. The big, fluffy clouds turned yellowish, and a slight breeze hit her face. Holly took a deep breath of fresh air and let it go while the guys finished unloading the moving van. She’d spent most of the day keeping Ashton occupied and cleaning up their last place before handing over the keys to their former landlord. Now she admired her son trying to help his dad and uncles outside. He was growing like a weed.

  Pizza, milk, and cold beer waited in the house for them to finish this last load, but what she looked forward to most was some peace and quiet at the end of this long day.

  “It’s time for dinner, monkey. Come in and wash up.” She connected eyes with her husband and smiled when little feet squirmed to get down from his arms and ran toward the house.

  Soon, their bellies were full, and although the house was still messy with boxes, everything they owned was safely tucked inside their new home. They’d said their good-byes to Zander’s brothers a few minutes earlier and pulled their queen-sized mattress into the living room to camp out for the night, just the three of them.

  “Good, I thought they’d never leave,” Zander whispered and stepped over their sleeping little boy to sit beside her. He handed her a bottle of water and lifted his bottle up to hit against the top of hers. “Well, Ms. Harrison, we did it. Here’s to new homes and happy futures together.”

  “You are so cheesy.” She quietly laughed. “But I love you for it. Here, here,” she said, lifting her own water and taking a big sip to finish the toast.

  She put her drink down, about ready to drop on the spot with exhaustion, and the last thing she remembered was getting a kiss on the forehead. The moment her head hit the pillow, it was lights out for the night. It’d been a hectic day, and the peace and quiet was nice.

  ***

  “Hello?” Everything was a dark maze, and she had no idea which direction to go in. As she blindly reached for the next wall to only God knows where, one thing was for certain: she was on her own. A chill ran down her spine, raising goose bumps almost everywhere on her body. The hair stood on the back of her neck. “Is anyone out there?”

  Instead of moving any farther, she slid down to the floor and wrapped her arms around her legs for comfort. All she could see was the lonely black void, and it carried a feeling of hopelessness she once knew all too well. I don’t want to go back.

  “There you are.” Whatever she leaned against gave way before the voice caught up, and she fell backward. His fist wrapped in her hair to pull her through the all too familiar surroundings. “Sit and watch.”

  “No.” She struggled to get back up, but he only laughed.

  “Oh, come on, Hol, the best is yet to come.” Clay’s smelly breath blew on her face, and she grimaced.

  “Why?” A spectator once again, she was back twelve years ago and watching her mother argue with the man she was kicking out.

  “It’s a note from my fifteen-year-old daughter about a certain phone conversation she overheard. You disgust me!”

  “Oh spare me the fucking drama, Emma, and watch what you say.”

  “Is that a threat? Are you threatening me now? Do you feel like a big man doing that? Listen, I’ve put up with shit for too long with my ex, and now you. Just get out. Get out now.”

  “It’s a warning,” he screamed. “And I’ll leave when I’m good and ready, not before. I mean it, Em, don’t push me.”

  “Why is it that I always seem to attract the losers?” she muttered, and Holly watched her pace the room. “I’m not that bad.”

  The tears threatened to suffocate her, the flow down her cheeks was coming so fast. There was a ball inside of her throat so big, no words would come through. She continued to watch the torture in front of her and reached out to see if she could at least touch her mother one last time.

  What. Did. You. Say?” Clay seemed to pronounce everything through a clenched jaw, his voice rising with every word. “What did you just call me?”

  “Nothing I— Wait. Where are you going?”

  Emma moved toward him out of curiosity, and maybe a little bit of confusion when he bent inside the closet to get something from his stuff hidden in there. Holly struggled in her seat as the scene went on, trying to get up to stop this insanity, but the Clay holding her down tightened his grip until it was painful. She cried out, but he ignored her.

  The man in front of her stalked toward her mother with a sharp knife in hand while she tried to back into the living room with her hands up.

  “What are you doing?” It was as if she didn’t have time to register what was going on before he made a grab for her and the struggle began. Everything in the house was quiet, except for grunts and the sounds of things crashing to the floor. Her beautiful mother reached up to grab the weapon he was using to hurt her and tried with everything she had to buck him off, but it was no use. His size and strength outmatched her in every way.

  Holly began to fight the asshole holding her down. He could rip the hair from her scalp for all she cared as long as she got to her mom this time. The minute that knife glinted, and the moment she watched it severe the fingers on Emma’s good hand, she couldn’t sit by and started to scream. The knife met her throat, and she closed her eyes tightly, couldn’t watch any more of it. At the sound of a very loud bang! She knew it was done. He threw her mother’s body onto the kitchen floor as if it were a piece of trash.<
br />
  Deflated, Holly fell on all fours, and the strobe light of images came back to her in a flash. The matted long blonde hair turned red from the pool of blood surrounding her head like a halo of death, unseeing eyes wide open with shock, red where the white was supposed to be. The missing fingers and blood splatter on the walls and on her still, lifeless body…

  She jumped awake in a panic and gasped as though she was choking. “It was just a dream.” She grabbed her throat with shaking fingers and tried to slow her heart rate down with a couple of deep breaths.

  “Hey, you okay?” Zander sat up and rubbed her back, but thankfully Ashton was still asleep on her other side.

  “Yeah, just a silly dream. Give me a minute to freshen up and I’ll get a pot of coffee on.” After kissing him on the lips quickly, she locked herself in the bathroom to brush her teeth and splash some cold water on her face.

  Holy hell on earth, enough already, she thought and suffered in silence by putting on a brave front for the rest of the day.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  “I heard once that when you dream about death, it means there’s going to be a birth and vice versa. Do you believe in that sort of thing?”

  “No.” Her husband chuckled. “Why are you talking so silly?”

  Holly picked at her plate of spaghetti and sighed. “I don’t know. You remember when we first moved in here and I had that dream the first night?”

  “What about it?” He shrugged and continued to eat. She guessed she could give him credit here. There had been quite a few of them over the years.

  “Well, long story short, it was about dying, or essentially reliving a death, and I was wondering if it may have been a sign.” He eyed her skeptically and she held her hands up. Her husband, the man with no belief in spirituality, go figure. “Wait a minute, just hear me out for a second. We tried for a while now to get knocked up with a kid number two, and it felt like forever after six months, so we gave up, right? Then we both got busy with work and Ashton and our friends, and we were all like, it’ll happen if it happens. No stress. Sex was about fun again, and not so much a chore.”

  “Yeah, and…”

  “And, well, it sort of slipped my mind.” She shrugged, “I got another pregnancy test today because it’s been a few months since my last cycle.” She was never regular anyway, so she’d thought nothing of it until the other day.

  “Did you take it?” He dropped his fork and reached across to hold her hand.

  “I sure did.” She smiled wide and looked at her boy. “Hey, Ash, how would you like a little brother or sister to play with?”

  “Come on, Mom, I’ve been asking forever.” He rolled his eyes and they laughed.

  “I think what Mom is trying to tell you is that you’re going to get your wish in a few months.”

  Ashton looked at her for confirmation, and when she nodded, both her guys whooped with joy and celebrated with a high five.

  “Okay, but I don’t want no yucky girls. So can you make sure it’s a brother?”

  “I’ll try.” She shook her head, amazed with the things starting to come out of that little mouth. Five-year-olds…yeesh!

  ***

  Spring of 2006

  The room had changed quite a bit in the years since she’d last visited the medical clinic for an ultrasound. They’d found out about the pregnancy almost a month ago, and already she was showing a nice little bump in the midsection.

  Newly renovated, the room was a soft purple with a large flat-screen monitor mounted on the wall instead of the little dinky thing they used to have. It was awesome. They were there to find out for sure how far along she was and to get an estimated due date.

  “This is so cool,” Zander said.

  “It is. Just wait until we get to see him or her on that big thing.” Holly pointed to the screen she had just been admiring and got comfortable.

  “Hello.” The technician entered the room and sat down beside the machine. “My name is Belinda. Are you ready to get some answers?”

  “I guess.” She shrugged and reached out to hold Zander’s hand while the tech smeared some cold goo on top of her small mound.

  “Okay, well I’m basically going to take some measurements of her head circumference and body to estimate the time of gestation. I’ll be taking some pictures too, and I’ll see if I can throw a few in for you both to take home. Is this your first child?”

  “No, this is our second. We’ve got a son already.” Her voice trailed off, and they were both amazed the moment another little heartbeat sounded in the room. Boy, does that ever bring back some happy memories.

  “Wow, would you look at that?” Zander cooed, but she already saw it. In fact her eyes were glued to the image on screen. It was so clear. Ten fingers and toes and a cute little button nose.

  “Is that normal?” She was stunned speechless.

  “What do you mean?” A little line appeared across the monitor from each side of the fetus’s head while Belinda measured and snapped pictures.

  “It’s so vivid and clear, and he looks so big.” It was nice to know her hubby had the same thoughts when he answered for her, so she continued to just stare.

  “Aw, would you look at that? He’s sucking on his hand right there.” Belinda moved the machine around some more. “Very active, and from what I can see, your baby’s development is completely normal. Your due date is around the twenty-fifth of October. That makes you about eighteen weeks along. Would you like to find out the sex?”

  “You can do that?” She gasped, wide-eyed. First of all, eighteen weeks? It was a lot farther along than she anticipated. Holy crap! It was all overwhelming. She looked toward her side, and her husband’s eyes were still focused on their child. He must have sensed her gaze and turned to look back at her. They maintained eye contact when Holly answered, “If you can, absolutely.”

  “Well, truthfully, we normally wait until twenty weeks or so to get a good look, but sometimes we get lucky.” The technician continued to move the probe on top of her stomach. “He’s moving quite a bit, so there may be a chance…”

  “Wait, right there.” Holly sat up a bit when Zander let go of her hand and got up to point at the screen. “Go back a little.”

  “I guess my assumption paid off, huh?” Belinda chuckled. “It’s a boy!”

  And just like his big brother, this little guy was spread wide as if proud of the package he was given. Two little feet dangled, his little bum was in the air, and there was no doubt at all about the gender. “Another one. I guess you plan on giving me a football team before we get a cheerleader, huh?”

  Her husband smirked. “What can I say, babe? I’m all man.”

  “Oh, that you are.” She laughed. “Well, at least we’ve already got a lot of blue from last time. I guess we should figure out a few good contending names in the next four months.”

  His face suddenly turned pale as if the words had finally sunk in, and she had to bite her top lip to keep from giggling at him. Yes, it was a shock, but a good one. Ashton was getting the brother he wanted, and they would get to meet him a little sooner than they’d first expected.

  ***

  A couple of months later

  “Hey, Ash, can you tell Daddy to come help me with this for a minute?” The nesting phase was starting to kick in a little early with this one. She was in a mood to clean constantly and spent days going through every nook and cranny to make sure everything was up to her standards, squeaky-clean. Her days were filled with dust busting and her nights with hormone-induced seduction. She was like a cat in heat. Meow!

  Zander loved it.

  Today was all about laundry. Their normal clothes, the bedding, bumper pads, receiving blankets, and a bunch of itty-bitty baby clothes.

  “Hey babe, what’s up?” Zander jogged down the stairs.

  “I need help with these two now.” She pointed at the two large, full hampers waiting to be folded and put away and grabbed the little one herself before they left the basement.


  Ashton was playing with his Hot Wheels on the carpet, making cute little engine noises when he drove them around and around on his make-believe track. They walked by and put everything in their room to fold the clothes on the bed before putting them away. With the door open her son was completely visible, and clearly occupied, so they got into a rhythm of folding easily.

  “Hey, you want to play with me?” There was a pause. “No, not that one, it’s my truck. Take this one.” He giggled.

  “Ash, baby, who are you talking to?” Her eyebrows scrunched together in confusion and Zander shrugged.

  “It’s okay, Mommy. It’s my grandma from the picture.”

  Picture? “What picture, honey?” She walked out of the room to go see him, and he jogged over to the other side of the living room to pick one from their shelf.

  “This one.” He handed it over.

  She looked from him to the framed photo he’d handed her and caressed it with her fingers before she flipped it over to face him. “You’re talking to Nanny?” She pointed at Emma’s beautiful, smiling face. “This is my mom.”

  “I know, silly. She came to play cars with me.” He gestured over to where they lay, and Holly thought nothing of it.

  “Okay, well, if you need anything, I’m just in the next room to go help your dad fold.” When she stood to leave, he was already back to the space on the carpet and smiling.

  “What was that about?”

  “I’m not sure.” She shrugged. “Says he’s talking to my mom, and she’s playing with him right now.”

  “As if.” Her disbelieving other half shook his head. “Our kid’s got some imagination there.”

  “Hey, how do you know? Nobody knows what happens when people are gone.”