Falling For Fear (A Grim Awakening Book 4)

by Michelle Gross

  “—Ryan, I know,” she told him.

  “Lincoln!” Killian yelled with a smile. It was a centaur he was talking to and they looked happy to see him.

  “Did we—am I really here?” Lincoln asked, looking around.

  Killian nodded. “You are.”

  “Does that mean…” Lincoln broke down in tears.

  “You made it out.” Melanie touched his shoulder. “I’m sending you all some place better.”

  Melanie opened a passage, and one by one they all slipped inside the portal. Lincoln looked elated as he walked in. All that was left was Penny, and I had chosen not to listen in on anything else they were saying in fear that I might do something bad when trying to be good.

  Standing next to Fear, I realized we were the outsiders here. Everyone was happy and hopeful as they crossed over. It had felt good to do something to help them but now that feeling was gone again, replaced with something bitter… something that reminded me that I didn’t belong here. Possibly, not even with Ryan but I adored him too much. I was miserable but I couldn’t help it or change it. All I wanted was for him to forgive me.

  When Penny stepped into the passage, it disappeared. My feet were moving on their own accord. Ryan turned and saw me approaching him. “Ryan,” I started. His eyes felt like daggers as he waited for me to continue, “Doesn’t it mean anything at all that I was telling you right when the Devil walked in and ruined my chance?” I asked, pathetically.

  He didn’t say a word. He just stood there staring. “Be mad. Be as mean as you want,” I whispered. “I know it will take time for you to forgive, but don’t give up on me!”

  “There was never a you to have,” was his bitter response.

  “What does that mean?” I asked sadly.

  “It means… I’m not doing this with you.” He turned away and walked off, slipping further into the woods.

  “Ryan! Ryan,” I screamed and cried. Then my tears brought out my fury. “You will forgive me!” I yelled at his back but he continued walking. I’d make him mine, no matter what.

  Fear was walking away with him. I wiped my eyes and said, “Fear? Not you too?” Even my monster didn’t want me? My heart caved.

  At least he turned around and came back to me to say, “You’re mine.” He lifted my chin. “Let me piece myself back together… and then, you can yell all you want.”

  Then he took off after Ryan. I found my feet moving, wanting to go with them until someone touched my shoulder. I looked over my shoulder and saw that it was Melanie. “Give him time.”

  That made sense. He needed time. I got that. But how did I stop my heart from running after him? I’ve been alone for so long, I’ve been through so much. All I cared about was getting to the human world so that I could live out my life without the troubles of everyone I’ve pissed off in the past but now, I was a ghost again, and more than anything I just wanted to be with Ryan. How did I survive before meeting him? I couldn’t figure it out now.

  I didn’t have a place to go to. Never have. That’s something that’s never bothered me until now… “You can stay with us until you figure out where to go from here,” she surprised me by saying.

  I couldn’t believe she’d offer her home up for someone like me. “Why would you do that for me?” I blurted.

  She sighed. “It’s not only for you but for Ryan. Besides, I would have never found what was left of them if not for you.”

  This was awkward. I wasn’t good with this kind of stuff. The gooey stuff that warmed the heart, you know what I was talking about, the kind of warmth you felt from doing something good. “It doesn’t make up for everything that I’ve done to you and Ryan,” I told her quickly.

  “No, it doesn’t,” she agreed. “I can fix the ghost problem… if you let me,” she offered.

  My forehead creased while confused. “Huh?”

  “Do you want me to?”

  I shrugged. “Sure,” I mumbled.

  She placed her hands on me and her golden-colored power wrapped around me immediately. It felt warm, soft, and kind. I knew something was working because I could feel my chest wound closing. When it was over, Melanie smiled and pressed her hands together. “Now, you work for us.”

  Maybe I heard her wrong… “I’m sorry?” I squeaked. “Work?” I had a bad feeling.

  “I bestowed you with Reaper power,” she said it like it wasn’t a big deal. She tossed her hand in the air. “You didn’t ask how I was going to give you flesh, so I figured it didn’t matter.”

  “Me?” I stuttered. “I can’t be a Reaper.” I looked down at myself. “I’m me.”

  “It’s kind of too late to say that now.” She smiled. “Done deal.” My mouth fell open and Killian laughed behind her. “You might want to start asking questions before you give people permission to do whatever they want to your body.” I knew she was referring to the deal I made with the Devil, and how easily I had just been tricked the same way.

  I was a lost cause.

  “You might have flesh now, but you’re still a ghost mostly,” Killian said.

  “So, that means if you die, you’re gone for good.” Melanie nodded.

  Greattt. Considering my life and enemies, I’d give myself a week.

  Melanie twirled around in her boots and bounced to Killian. “Come on,” she called to me. “We will fill you in on your new responsibilities.”

  I sighed. How the hell did it come to this?

  So weird…

  Story of my life.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Ryan

  It had been two weeks since I left Molly standing in the woods, screaming my name with her dark doe-like eyes and bluish-black hair whipping around her shoulders like the storm she was.

  And I wasn’t bothered about it. In fact, I didn’t care at all. I didn’t mope around the house miserably because I couldn’t visit Grim or Melanie since they decided to take in the she-devil. I didn’t think about how much I missed her body or her infuriating attitude.

  There was nothing to miss. She was my killer. And now that it was out in the open, it made everything about her so much clearer. She was snarky, bossy, and so damn selfish. She couldn’t cook—she could hardly do a damn thing on her own, obviously, except killing people. How did she survive so long? Not that I cared. She was a mess—a vexingly beautiful, disturbing mess… that I couldn’t get out of my damn head.

  Something must be wrong with me. Why couldn’t I stop myself from feeling anything after knowing who she was?

  When I got out of the shower, I came out to Fear munching down on a bowl of popcorn on the couch. He turned off the movie when I stepped out. This has been a common occurrence in the last two weeks. I couldn’t get rid of him. Not that I really tried. I mostly said, “Why are you still here?” or “This is my home.”

  We weren’t merged anymore but his response was always, “Waiting,” or, “eating,” or some other stupid excuse.

  I just stared at him for several seconds, sitting there casually eating popcorn like he wasn’t a damn monster that ate on emotions and killed. I didn’t know what was happening but we only continued to get weirder and weirder…

  I dropped down next to him on the couch. “Where have you been?” I asked, stealing some popcorn.

  “The usual,” he muttered. “Took care of a few people that might still hold a grudge on me from my past with Marcus.”

  I arched my brow. “Why?”

  “Because,” he sighed, placing the popcorn in my lap. “As you already know, Molly’s no longer immortal. I can’t have her wandering around doing Reaper work if all these demons hold grudges. So, I killed them and will kill anything that poses a threat to her soul.” That was another thing... Molly was obviously working for Grim and Melanie now as a Reaper.

  I tilted my head and snorted. “You do realize Molly doesn’t need her past to piss someone off, right?” Shit, now I was worried too. I stopped smiling. “With an attitude like hers, she’s liable to piss off the whole damn Und
erworld.”

  Fear’s eyes widened. “You’re right.” He got up quickly. “We can’t do this any longer.”

  “Can’t do what?”

  “I can’t leave her alone any longer,” he told me, and I tensed, knowing where this was going. “I’ve kept my distance from her for you, and I’ve also given you time to sort out your feelings.” I met his eyes as he spoke. “She means everything to me and I can’t waste another day when you just reminded me how dangerous she can make things for herself.”

  “Why are you telling me?”

  “You know why,” he growled and I stood up to face him. “I know how you feel about her—before when we were still one and even these past two weeks, your feelings haven’t changed.” I tightened my jaw and he frowned. “You might lie to yourself but you know I can taste everyone’s emotions and I know exactly what yours are for her.”

  “How do I feel about her then?” I asked, feeling my chest cave. I knew the answer. I’ve been covering it up… my unwillingness to let go of the past and just let myself go get her like I wanted…Shit, that was all I wanted to do was go get her and bring her back but my pride had kept me from doing what I wanted. Pride was also the very thing that has kept me from admitting the other truth: I wanted to be Fear. No, I still felt like him for some reason.

  “The same way I feel about her.” I nodded, accepting the truth for what it was.

  He extended his hand out between us. A little of my uncertainty came back. I didn’t want to keep fighting for power with Fear. “It won’t be like last time,” his words mirrored the doubts I was having. “It will be real this time.”

  I took a deep breath. “Will I… even exist after?”

  “You’ll be me—my memories, everything, you’ll know them, and you’ll still be you with your memories and feelings—only this time, we’ll just be one.”

  It didn’t matter what happened afterward because I already knew I wanted it. I took his hand.

  ______

  I discovered a lot about Fear I hadn’t known before. With Fear’s memories, I now knew that he—I had been trapped in the merge with him while Marcus held complete control with some sort of spell. It didn’t mean that I wasn’t bad, I was. It just helped me understand the reason why we couldn’t have merged the first time properly. Not when Fear had been trapped in his first one for so long…

  ______

  I ported into Grim’s castle where he and Melanie were in a deep discussion in the ballroom. Whatever they were chatting about didn’t look too good considering the worried exchange they gave each other before glancing at me. Melanie took one long look at me head-to-toe and smiled. “About time,” she told me and I smirked.

  “I know,” I admitted, scratching my chin and looking around. They were grinning at me while I did. “What?” I asked sheepishly. I continued to look around. “I thought you guys had a guest?”

  “About that…” Melanie drifted off.

  I turned my attention back to her. Not already. She couldn’t have gotten in trouble so soon. “What did she do?” I asked immediately, wondering what my little ghost could have done now.

  Melanie smiled. “Nothing, at least, we don’t know if it’s her.”

  Which meant it most likely was.

  “Just tell me.” I sighed.

  “We just got word that we have a new Reaper going around asking witches and warlocks for a memory spell,” Killian informed me.

  That sounded fishy… and entirely like something Molly would go looking for since I haven’t forgiven her… or at least, that’s what she thought.

  “Has there been any new Reapers besides Molly that you’ve created lately?” I asked.

  Melanie dropped her eyes. “No.” She blew a frustrated breath. “But she’s been so mopey lately all because of you, no wonder she’d—”

  “Are you taking her side?” Killian interrupted her by asking.

  “No,” Melanie whined, “but who wouldn’t want to erase their memories if the person they loved couldn’t forgive them.” She was totally taking Molly’s side. “What?” She straightened her spine. “I’ve forgiven her already,” she told me with a smile. “You love her, Ryan, or you wouldn’t have gotten so freaking crazy on her when you found out.”

  “Yeah, but,” Killian butted in, “with someone like Molly… What’s to say she isn’t wanting to get the memory spell to use it on Ryan?”

  I nodded. That made more sense to me. Molly was wicked like that. My dick responded to my thoughts and I had to dial it down. Guess we made a good pair.

  “Don’t worry, I’m going to go get her,” I told them.

  “And kiss and make up?” Melanie smirked. Oh, we are going to do a lot more than that, I thought.

  I grinned. “I’ll take her back now. I know how she gets.” So needy and whiny. “Only I can put up with her shit.”

  Killian couldn’t help but say, “Are you sure you want to go down this road with Molly? Just think… every time you piss her off, she’d be the type that might put a curse on you or who knows what.”

  Melanie slapped his arm and laughed. “Killian.”

  I chuckled. “And who do you think she’s dealing with?” Killian shook his head and smiled, and I added, “She’s not perfect. She’s selfish, evil, and an all-around mess of emotions but for a monster like me, that makes her perfect.” And I also knew that Molly wanted to be good sometimes.

  I walked away from their smiles to go get Molly.

  She was still the Blue I wanted.

  But it wasn’t until she told me her name was Molly that I fell in love with her completely.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Molly

  I twirled the dagger through my fingers before stabbing the table with it. The witch didn’t even jump, instead, she glared up at me. “So you’re saying you can’t make me the potion?” I asked her again with a syrupy voice.

  She leaned over the table, placing her elbows against the dirty wood as she gazed at me. “I can’t make a memory spell that only erases one little piece of information of something.” I sighed and she went on, “I can, however, make a person forget about someone permanently.”

  I plucked my dagger out of the wood and placed it back in my belt. I was decked out in a black getup. I didn’t understand why Reapers had to wear black, but whatever. It was nice having weapons again, and now that I was a Reaper, I felt a little more comfortable walking around the Underworld. Maybe because I figured I’d get left alone now that I was one, but since I haven’t had any bad encounters yet… I could be right.

  I lifted my hand to my face. “I don’t want him to forget me completely… I just want him to forget one little piece of information,” I mumbled to her as I circled around and paced in front of the table.

  I knew the memory spell wasn’t the right way to go, but I never claimed to be good or patient enough to wait for Ryan to forgive me. What if he never did? The thought nearly drove me mad. Or maybe it already did, or else I wouldn’t be here doing something I didn’t really want to do to him.

  He made me crazy.

  But I missed him so bad.

  “It doesn’t work that way,” she told me firmly. “However, if you don’t want this person to forget you, you could always take it yourself and forget him.”

  I lifted my head. “Fine. Give it to me.” I extended my hand over the table.

  “What I asked for first.”

  I sighed and plucked the bottle of vampire teeth out of my pocket. “Here ya go,” I said in a humming beat.

  “I want more than this,” she stated.

  “The deal was this many,” I reminded her. “Now give me the spell—potion, whatever it’s called.” I brought my hand out again.

  “I don’t like your attitude,” she replied, rising from her chair. My hand moved to the sword lying against my back on instinct.

  “A deal’s a deal,” I informed her.

  “And I said I want more now.” The witch smiled. Ew, she was messing with the wrong d
ead Reaper… that sounded so weird, even in my head. “Does Grim know what an insolent Reaper you are?” I glared. She did not want to go there and threaten me. As crazy as it was, I didn’t want him or Melanie to hate me any more than they already did. Great, thanks to her, I felt even more guilty about going out and looking for this memory potion.

  I’d just take it myself and forget Ryan. That was the only way. At least that way, if he decided to forgive me, he’d just have to make me fall for him all over again. Not like it would be hard. I couldn’t explain how much I was drawn to him.

  “Just give it to me,” I said again.

  Surprisingly, she turned and moved to the shelf behind her full of creepy voodoos and what-not. Then she came back and handed me the black tube of liquid. “What’s the name of whom you wish to forget?” she asked.

  “Ryan,” I stuttered.

  She twirled her hands around the tube, casting some sort of spell before she handed it to me. “There ya go.”

  I stared at her warily. “That’s all it took?” Seemed kind of too easy.

  “That’s all.” She pointed toward the door. “Now leave.”

  There was a knock on the door, I turned around just as it opened. My heart did that thing it always did in his presence. “Ryan?” I whispered as he walked into the room. Wait, something was… Did he merge—

  “Wait,” the witch sounded worried. “It was Fear you wish to forget?”

  Ryan’s eyes darkened at her words and moved over me. I shivered with both fear and exhilaration. He held out his hand to me. When I moved to place my hand in his, he shook his head. “The spell, Molly, give it to me.”

  The disappointment buried itself into my heart. I hesitated a moment before stepping back and saying, “No.”

  His smile was absolutely terrifying. “No?” That one word invoked so many emotions inside me.

  I nodded. “Either you are going to take it and forget about me, or I’m going to take it and forget about you.”

  He smirked. “You actually think you can weasel your way back into my life if I forget about you?”