Loving Bad

by Regan Ure

  "Why are you so good at this?" I had to ask. Most guys wouldn't have a clue.

  He smiled.

  "I have two younger sisters," he revealed. Then I understood how he slipped into the big brother role so easily, he was a big brother to two sisters. It made so much more sense.

  "I'm going to go and get ready for bed," I said. Matthew gave me a smile and I glanced to Jordan who gave me a weak smile.

  I went into my bedroom and closed the door. I leaned against it for a moment and let out a sigh. This whole heartbreak thing sucked and I hated the feeling that my heart was missing and in its place was an empty hole. It was like an ache where my heart should be. I walked over to my dresser and checked my phone. There was that feeling of disappointment that Sin had still not tried to contact me. He'd said it wasn't finished, but I couldn't help feeling that he'd given up on me.

  Could I blame him? The answer was no. I hadn't given him a chance to explain anything, I'd just told him to leave. I put my phone back down and went into the bathroom. In the shower I let some of my sadness spill out in tears that streamed down with the water. I was feeling emotionally exhausted by the time I got out of the shower and got dressed.

  My phone beeped. I'd received a message. Subconsciously I held my breath as I walked over to pick up my phone. I was so used to the feeling of disappointment that I was momentarily shocked that it was a message from Sin.

  I'm sorry.

  Two simple words that gave me hope. For several moments I took the words in and then they spurred me into action. I got dressed as fast as I could and shoved my phone into my jeans. Matthew was still watching the girlie movie in the living room with Jordan who was still trying to get to the bottom of the tub of ice cream.

  "I need to go," I said to him.

  "You're not going anywhere without me," he told me as he stood up. "Can't it wait till tomorrow?"

  I shook my head. I'd wasted enough time and I wasn't going to waste any more. My decision was made and I just hoped that I wasn't too late.

  "Will you be okay here on your own?" I asked Jordan.

  "I'll be fine. I have enough ice cream and I have TV," she said, trying to make light of her heartbreak.

  "So where are we off to?" Matthew asked as we walked to the car.

  "I need to talk to Sin," I said as he opened the passenger side for me. He studied me for a moment before he shrugged.

  "Okay."

  Maybe it was the determined look that told him there was no talking me out of what I'd set out to do. I knew how precious life was and wasting any time was wrong.

  Nervously, I fidgeted as Matthew made the short trip to Sin's house. I didn't ask how he knew where Sin lived. I assumed my brother had given him the same folder he'd given me on Sin. I was unsure of how Sin was going to react to my sudden visit and I felt the nervous knot in my stomach twist as I got out of the car. Matthew got out of the driver's side.

  "No," I said to him as firmly as I could. "I need to do this without you."

  "It's my job to keep you safe," he reminded me in a serious tone.

  "I'll be safe with Sin," I assured him. "I will call you if I need you."

  He looked to the house and then back to me.

  "No," he stated. "I can't stay out here while you go inside."

  We had a stare down for a few seconds before I threw my hands up in the air in frustration.

  "Fine," I bit out.

  I needed to talk to Sin, but I was scared that he would close up if he saw Matthew. I had no choice. Matthew followed me up the stairs and he stood beside me as I rang the doorbell.

  I bit my lip as I felt the nervous knot in my stomach tighten at Sin's reaction to seeing me and Matthew. His reaction to Matthew when he'd seen him in the apartment hadn't been good and I had a feeling he wouldn't react well to seeing him with me now. I just hoped he would let me explain who Matthew was and why he had to go where I went.

  I heard some noise behind the door and then the door opened.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Taylor

  Sin looked slightly surprised to see me when he opened the door. His eyes brightened and he smiled when he saw me. He looked happy and relieved to see me and I felt the flutter of awareness that I felt when I was around him. There was something about this guy that made me come alive when he was near. I'd never felt it with anyone before and I had to admit I loved the feeling.

  When his gaze moved to Matthew, his eyes hardened and his lips thinned. He wasn't so happy to see Matthew.

  "What the fuck is he doing here?" he asked angrily as he glared at me. All the softness he'd been looking at me with was gone.

  "Calm down. Don't jump to conclusions," I said to him, holding my hands up to him. "Just let us in and I'll explain everything."

  He studied me for a moment before he stepped back and allowed me to enter. Matthew followed behind me. He seemed unfazed by the glare he was getting from Sin. He was his normal easy-going self even though Sin looked like he wanted to hit him.

  "I need to talk to him alone," I said to Matthew. He gave me a brief nod of his head.

  "I'll stay here," he said as he sat down on the sofa and made himself at home.

  Sin had been watching the two of us with his arms crossed. I looked to him. He dropped his arms to his side and walked up the stairs to his bedroom. I followed him into his room. He closed the door and leaned against it.

  "Where’s everyone else?" I asked. Normally where Sin was, Slater was as well.

  "They’re out," he said in a clipped tone.

  "So are you going to explain the tag-a-long?" he asked as he crossed his arms and fixed his gaze on me. There was no warmth in his eyes for me, his features closed off.

  "You've met my overprotective brother," I began to explain. He gave a brief nod.

  "Well, that overprotective brother hired a bodyguard," I explained as I clasped my hands together, waiting for his reaction. I should have just told him from the beginning who Matthew was.

  "And I thought that overprotective brother of yours was stupid," he remarked. His hard features softened and he dropped his arms.

  The jury was still out on that as far as I was concerned. I knew that my brother did things that he thought were in my best interest even if I didn't agree.

  "He doesn't look like a typical bodyguard," he said as he cocked his head to the side. I was glad to hear I wasn't the only one who thought that.

  "I know, it's probably why he is so good at his job," I replied with a shrug.

  "And here I thought he was my replacement," he added as he straightened up but didn't close the distance between us.

  My eyes lifted to his. I didn't want anyone but him. To me there was no replacement for Sin. He'd hurt me by looking my past up, but that didn't mean that I didn't care about him or still want him. He was the one who had brought an end to our arrangement. For a few moments our eyes connected. There was so much between us that needed to be talked through. He'd shut me out when I wouldn't open up and I was still upset with the fact he'd found out about my past.

  Deep in his gaze was still the look I'd been running from. It was a look of sadness. There was also that part that looked at me, not quite knowing what to expect. It was finally time to talk about my past. I had shut him down before, but now I was willing to listen to what he had to say.

  "I'm sorry for shutting you out," I murmured, dropping my gaze to the carpet. I hated talking about my past. Talking about it gave it life to haunt me. It kind of felt like no matter what I did, I couldn't escape what had happened.

  "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have taken things into my own hands. You didn't want me to know, but I went searching anyway," he said, rubbing his hands over his face and into his hair. "But no matter how mad you are and how sorry I am, it doesn't change the fact that I know."

  He dropped his hands. His hair was messy and I had to fight the urge to walk up to him and run my hands through his hair.

  "I was upset after I'd told you stuff about me and you
refused to open up," he began to explain. "I was angry so I tried to shut you out."

  I remembered the heartbreaking moment when he'd told me he'd see me around.

  "Then your brother came to see me," he said, running an agitated hand through his hair. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the mention of my brother who I still wasn't talking to because of that visit.

  "He told me to stay away from you. He said that you wouldn't recover if I hurt you," he said softly, watching for some sort of reaction to his words.

  And there it was, that look again.

  "I know that you didn't want to tell me about your past, but after your brother came to see me I couldn't stop myself," he reasoned softly. I bit down on my lip.

  "There were so many things about you that just simply didn't add up. Your naivety and lack of knowledge."

  I swallowed hard as he paused for a moment.

  "Then your brother came to see me and told me to stay away from you. That just pushed me over the edge and I had to know. I tried asking your brother, but he wouldn't tell me so I did the only thing I could think of, I googled your name."

  It hadn't been hard for him to find out. A simple Internet search would have brought everything up I'd been trying to hide. He took a step closer as his eyes held mine.

  "I've been through some rough shit, but I don't know how you survived what happened to you," he offered softly.

  I swallowed hard to keep the emotions from bubbling over to the outside. I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath to keep the tears at bay. When I opened my eyes again, Sin was standing closer, but he didn't touch me. He stood only two feet away as he watched me while I struggled to rein in my emotions.

  "I don't like it," he said softly to me. I wasn't sure what he was talking about so I gave him a questioning look.

  "What?" I asked.

  "I don't like seeing you upset," he answered and I felt my heart melt a little. He had the power to make me feel alive and he had the power to make me feel like I couldn't go on.

  Just thinking about what happened was enough to evoke a whole array of emotions. Talking about it was worse, which was one of the reasons I didn't like talking about it. It was just too emotionally draining. I'd been to endless shrinks and I'd talked about it so much, but no amount of talking would erase the events of that day or bring my parents back. All talking did was remind me of that horrific day.

  "You don't have to talk about it," he said as he reached out and caressed my cheek with his hand.

  He'd told me he knew everything so anything I told him wouldn't be anything that he hadn't already read about, but I felt that I had to tell him the story in my own words. Everything he'd read would have been correct with the facts of what had happened, but I was the only who was able to relay the events with the human emotion because I'd lived it.

  "I've been trying to forget that day for as long as I can remember," I began. He reached for my hand and held it in his.

  "I was nine." I swallowed hard. "It was a Friday night and Connor went out to a party. He was eighteen at the time and he'd planned on sleeping over at his friend's house."

  That night had started off as a normal evening. I'd pouted a little when he'd left. I loved my older brother and at that age I'd worshipped the ground he walked on. In my eyes he could do no wrong and he loved me just as much. He loved to do things with me and didn't mind me tagging along with him most of the time.

  "I spent the evening watching a movie with my mom and dad. They liked to do that with me so I wouldn't miss Connor too much when he was out," I told him, smiling at the fond memory I had of them.

  My mom laughed and my father wrapped his arm around me and gave me a hug. I'd been so loved. At that time it had been so normal and I'd give anything to go back to that. I swallowed the emotion down as I tried to continue.

  "Sit," Sin instructed as he pushed me down to sit on his bed. I rubbed my forehead and I tried to get my thoughts together as he sat down next to me, still holding my hand.

  "I'm not sure what time they tucked me into bed and read me a story. My mom gave me a kiss on the forehead and told me to have sweet dreams. My father came to kiss me goodnight and told me he loved me. It was our usual routine for bedtime."

  It was strange that some memories were blurry as you got older and it was harder to remember them, but there were just some memories that didn't dull with time and that night was one of them. I could recall everything, the good and the bad. Sin squeezed my hand for reassurance that I wasn't alone and I gave him a weak smile in return.

  "I'd been going through a stage of having nightmares and that night I woke up scared. I held my favorite teddy, Mr. Cuddles, tightly in my hands and went to my parents’ bedroom to ask my mom if I could sleep in the bed. Still half asleep, my mom opened her covers and I climbed into the bed bedside her."

  I paused for a moment and took a deep breath and expelled it.

  "I was jolted awake by my mom. She was scared and shaking. My dad wasn't in the room. She'd told me to remain calm and to hide in the closet. Confused and still half asleep, I asked her what was wrong. She whispered to me that there was someone in the house and told me I needed to be quiet. I didn't understand what was happening, but I did what she told me. Once I was safe inside the closet she closed the doors. There was enough of a gap to be able to see my mother walk to the door."

  I dropped my eyes to the floor for a moment as I built the courage to continue. It was hard talking about those events and remembering the last memories that I had of my parents.

  "You don't have to," Sin said as he took my other hand in his. I looked at him.

  "You know everything, but I need you to understand why it was something that was so hard to carry around with me. What you read would have given you all the grim details, but I want you to understand why I am the way I am," I tried to explain.

  As hard as it was, I carried on.

  "There was some noise inside the house and I heard my father shout. My mom looked frantic and scared. I'll never forget that fear that I saw on her face. She hurried back to the closet and got me out and then she led me to the window. She opened it up as quietly as she could. I wanted to stay with her, but she begged me to be a good girl and to climb through the window."

  I fought the tears that gathered in my eyes and as they overflowed I brushed them from my face.

  "I whimpered as I climbed through the window. She told me to go and hide in the back yard. I had no idea what was happening, but it was the desperation in her voice that made me run through the darkness to the back of the house. Our property was quite large with a tall boundary wall so I ran as fast as I could still holding onto my teddy bear. I tripped a couple of times... I don't know if it was the adrenaline that kept me from feeling the pain."

  More tears silently slid down my face and as fast as I brushed them away, new tears replaced them. I felt a gentle touch to my cheek and Sin brushed my tears gently with his hands.

  "I don't like it when you cry," he said softly, his voice hoarse. As much as he didn't like seeing me cry, I didn't like feeling this open and exposed.

  "I hid in some thick bushes against the wall. I huddled holding Mr. Cuddles, too scared to move."

  I'd lost track of time and with the fear that I'd felt, every minute felt like ten so what had only been an hour had felt like forever.

  "It was only when the sun came up that I came out of hiding. In the daytime, everything seemed less scary."

  He nodded.

  "The house was quiet and the front door was wide open. The house had been ransacked and I crept as quietly as I could. I was scared that the intruders were still in the house. The first place I went to was my parents’ bedroom."

  I closed my eyes for a moment, riding out the emotions that overwhelmed me at the next stage of my memory. Sin squeezed both of my hands and kept them in his.

  "While I'd been hiding in the dark, I'd imagined all sorts of scenarios, but nothing prepared me for what I found. There was so
much blood. My father was lying on his stomach with a knife sticking out of his back. I rushed over to him, but he didn't respond. I'd never seen death before, but I saw it in his eyes. I heard a slight noise and realized my mom was still alive."

  I put my hands to my mouth as a sob tore from me. The next part had been the hardest.

  "Crying... and becoming more hysterical, I rushed over to her. She was lying in a pool of her own blood. She had a couple of stab wounds...honestly, I don't know how she'd survived that long. I wanted to go and get help, but my mom held my wrist and...told me to stay with her."

  I gulped down my emotion.

  "She knew she wouldn't make it and she didn't want to die alone. I held my mother's hand as she struggled to breathe. I told her I loved her just before her chest stopped moving and I couldn't hear her breathe anymore. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do."

  "I'm so sorry," murmured Sin as he let go of my hands and wrapped his arms around me. He hugged me as I leaned my head against his chest. After a few minutes, I pulled away from him and stood up. I needed to finish and I felt if I didn't do it now, I would clam up again.

  "I kind of shut down after that. It was like I was in a bubble. I knew exactly what was going on around me, but I couldn't interact. I lost track of time."

  I rubbed my forehead as I tried to remember what happened after that.

  "The next thing I remember was when Connor came home and discovered what happened. It's hard to remember exactly what happened after that because I had some sort of breakdown. I just couldn't cope with everything."

  My eyes met his and I saw that look again.

  "I wasn't crazy," I stated as I began to feel emotional as well as agitated. Afterward, people looked at me with sympathy, but hidden in those looks was the wariness that I was unstable.

  "You weren't crazy, you just lost your parents and you couldn't cope. It's understandable," he explained as he stood up and walked to me.

  The newspapers hadn't just covered the brutal murder of my parents in an apparent robbery gone wrong, they'd also covered my downward spiral into oblivion that had landed me in a psychiatric ward.