Starry Eyed Inside

by Rochelle Allison

  Skyler and I fooled around, but not always. Sometimes there were too many people around, or there was just nowhere to go. It's kind of obvious when you’re with everyone and you just, like, disappear. With a guy. Janelle did that one night with a kid named Nico, and she heard about it for weeks.

  Then there were times Skyler wasn’t on that wavelength. He'd get stoned and sit around with his boys, playing pool or video games. Those were the nights I stuck close to my girls, whispering and gossiping and doing the same stuff we’d always done. It was like nothing had changed...even though everything had changed.

  And it was frustrating, but I couldn’t bring myself to seek him out if it didn't look like he wanted seeking.

  "You need to take initiative," said Teigan.

  Maybe. I didn’t know what I needed, besides Skyler.

  On the first night of Christmas break, we went to Kai's. His mom had gone to Tallahassee to visit a sick relative, leaving Kai's twin sisters, Nova and Nara, in charge. They were stoners though, way worse than us. They didn't care what we did, so long as we kept things mellow.

  Teigan hauled Niki and I out of the garage and into the kitchen, where several trays of Jello shots were lined up. I gaped, reaching for one. “Where did these come from?”

  “I don’t know, but Nova said we could have some,” she said, slurping down a bright pink blob.

  I hadn’t had one since her birthday, so I grabbed two.

  Finn poked his head in. His messy blond hair was pulled back into a knot. "You guys want to smoke?"

  We followed him upstairs to Kai's room, where Skyler was packing a bong. He looked up as we shut the door. "Lock it."

  Finn did, turning the lock before sitting down next to Niki.

  "Rocco's being a dick, so I don't want him knowing we're smoking," Skyler said.

  I settled across from him. "Why not?"

  "I got busted for having weed again. My Dad tried to ground me, but I left anyway.” He shrugged, smirking.

  I’d be halfway to the nunnery for an infraction like that. “So your parents don’t know where you are?”

  "They probably do. Whatever." He lit the nugget until it burned bright and then pulled hard, filling the chamber with thick, white smoke before sucking it down. Bubbling, inhaling and exhaling, we passed the bong until there was nothing left but ash.

  "Thanks, bro," Finn said, standing after a moment.

  Skyler leaned back against the wall. "Any time."

  Closing my eyes, I leaned back too. The music downstairs got louder, a song we all liked, and I smiled, humming along to the muffled lyrics.

  "Why're you so far away?"

  I dragged my eyes open. Skyler was watching me. Niki and Finn had sneaked out, and we were alone. My heart thumped its approval. "I don't know."

  "C'mere,” he said, cashmere-soft.

  I gave him a dopey smile. "No."

  He stared, a little smile playing at his mouth, and I stared back, intrigued by the intent in his eyes. After a moment, he stood up. Dropping onto the bed, he looked at me and patted the spot beside him. The smile he’d been teasing me with grew, and that was it; I was up and across the room in seconds. He kissed me before I even sat down, his hands on either side of my face.

  With a startled breath, I grabbed his hoodie and kissed him back. Downstairs the music went off, and then on again. Someone yelled. Skyler nudged me onto my back and climbed onto me, kissing my neck. His mouth was hot and wet and amazing; I wondered if people could have orgasms from kissing.

  When he put his hand on my stomach and started moving it up, I pulled out of the kiss "Hey..."

  "What?"

  "Isn’t this is Kai's bed? We — ”

  Yanking his hand away, he got up and pulled me with him like he was on a freaking mission.

  Which, maybe he was.

  We stumbled out into the dark hallway and into the room next door. Between the matching white wicker and the dated nautical theme, it was a little much.

  "Whose room is this?" I asked, watching him close the door. Lock it.

  "No one's." He kicked off his shoes.

  Reality set in. My heart began pounding again—we’d never been this alone. Taking a deep breath, I slipped off my flip flops. Skyler kissed me, his hands squeezing my hips as he walked me backward. We eased onto the faded aqua comforter, my legs falling open so that he was between them. We kissed and kissed...deep, warm, slightly sloppy. His body pressed mine into the mattress, and I liked it, liked the solidity and the weight of him. He shifted, his breath catching, and I froze. I thought there was something between us, his phone maybe, but then I realized no—that was him. Holy crap.

  The next time he tried going up my sweater, I let him, shivering as his fingers found my bra and slipped below it. He squeezed my breast and ran his tongue down my neck and the feeling was so deluxe I was dizzy with it, free falling in feel-good. I sank my fingers into his hair right as he pulled away.

  "Listen,” he said, panting.

  I opened my eyes, dazed.

  "I don't have anything on me.”

  Speechless, I stared at him.

  "What do you want to do?" he asked, his gaze traveling from my mouth to my eyes.

  Was he asking for sex? To do it without a condom? Was he wondering if I wanted him to go get some? I don’t know, I don’t know... "I don't know," I whispered, shrugging.

  But I did know. I couldn't just do it in Kai's mom’s guest room on the ugly aqua comforter. Not when we hadn't even discussed it.

  Skyler nodded slowly, expressionless. "I'll be right back."

  Rolling off the bed, he went to the door and, adjusting himself, left. After fixing my bra, I sat up to fix my hair, too. I probably looked like a wild banshee. My heart slowed down, and I looked around, thinking about what I’d say when he came back.

  Ten minutes later, it occurred to me that Skyler wasn't coming back. Not only that, I'd completely missed curfew while we'd been going at it. Shit.

  With a heavy sigh, I got up and straightened the comforter so it looked presentable. I slipped into my flip flops and left the room, pulling the door shut behind me. There were lights on beneath Nova and Nara's doors, but otherwise the second floor seemed empty. I made my way downstairs, wondering where everyone was.

  I saw Teigan first. She was in the kitchen, drinking a bottle of water and checking her phone. The living room was further down the hall, and that's when I saw him—watching TV with Sean. Kai was asleep on the couch next to him.

  For the first time ever, I was so mad at Skyler Nolan I could spit.

  He was sitting there, cracking a smile at something Sean was saying. As if he hadn't just left me upstairs by myself. Jerk. He glanced up as I passed, his face impossible to read, and I glared back. Just then the front door opened, and Niki, Finn, and Rocco came in from outside.

  “You wanna get ice cream?” Niki asked, face flushed. She and Finn had graduated to holding hands.

  "Actually, Finn, can I get a ride home?" I asked, pretending I wasn’t having a meltdown inside. "I fell asleep, and now I'm late."

  “Sucks,” he said, grabbing his keys. "Come on. We’ll drop you on the way."

  "Do you want me to come in with you, Rory?" Niki asked, grabbing my hand.

  I shook my head. "You can come for the ride, but you might as well stay with Finn. If I get caught coming in tonight, it's over."

  The night had cooled significantly, and I could see my breath as we walked out to the car. We drove quietly, Finn and Niki playing with each other’s hands on the console. They waited until I'd unlocked the door before pulling away.

  Except for the kitchen light, our house was dark and quiet. I hadn't seen my father's SUV out front, so I knew he wasn't home. I tiptoed toward my room, holding my breath.

  "Aurora Noelle."

  I halted. Shit shit shit!

  "Yes?"

  "What time is it?"

  "One.” I swallowed. “Forty-five."

  My mother appeared from the shado
ws, creepy and foreboding in her robe. "And what time were you supposed to be home?"

  I chewed my lip. "One."

  She nodded. "You're grounded. For the rest of the weekend."

  "But it's the beginning of Christmas break!"

  "You should have thought of that before choosing to be late. Be happy Dad's not here—you smell like cigarettes and God knows what else. Good night."

  She turned and shut her bedroom door before I had any hope of a response.

  Well, that just sucked.

  The next morning, I texted both Niki and Teigan to let them know I was grounded for the next couple of days. Things could’ve been worse, I knew. Mom could've really gone nuts and grounded me for an entire week or something. Or, like she'd said, Dad could’ve been home. That would have been a disaster. I was going to have to be a lot more careful.

  There was a knock at my door. "Rory? You up yet?"

  Clenching my eyes shut, I burrowed down under my blankets.

  "I'm going to the Farmer's Market down in Fort Pierce. You want to come?"

  "No, that's okay," I said. I wasn't that desperate.

  My door opened and something—a pillow, maybe—bounced off my head. "Come on, it'll be fun. Like old times."

  I poked my head out. "Is this why you grounded me? To force me along on errands with you?"

  Mom pursed her lips. "Don't be a brat. Get dressed; I'm leaving in ten."

  A half hour later I was following her from booth to booth, nibbling on a chocolate Danish she'd gotten me for breakfast. The market was right on the waterfront, and the mid-morning sun shone brilliantly, sparkling on the water. When I was little, I came with my mother all the time. I’d find other kids and run around with them, dodging grown-ups and sampling jams and cheeses and sweets. I hadn’t come in a while, but it hadn’t changed: the same people, week in, week out, selling the same stuff. My mother loved it.

  It wasn't that bad, actually. Chilly, which I loved.

  Despite how pissed I was at Skyler, it was impossible not to think about him. I hoped he was hungover, and that he was still grounded too—though I doubted he was either one. I just felt so twisted up inside when it came to him. Sometimes he was all over me, other times we were just friends. Sometimes he was sweet, and then other times he was kind of a dick. Like last night.

  Guys harassed girls for having PMS, but what was their freaking excuse for being moody?

  "Rory, honey, come look at these,” said Mom, interrupting my ponderings. Danish devoured, I brushed my hands off on my jeans and went to join her.

  Niki spent the day with her mom and aunts, making bottles of Coquito to give as gifts. Teigan stayed home too, but she said she was going out later. Lucky wench.

  I cleaned my room and did laundry. Hung the tapestry I’d gotten way back for my birthday. Answered emails, pored over Instagram, checked Snapchat. Repeatedly. Compulsively. The rest of the world was having a great day, and I was drowning in a wave of FOMO. I hated knowing my friends were having fun without me.

  I wanted to be more pissed at my mom, but I didn't even have the energy anymore. She kept dragging me out of my cave to do family things, like gardening and helping with dinner. I made it through two episodes of World’s Worst Drivers with her and dad before stealing two Tylenol PMs and calling it a night.

  On Sunday, I begged my mother to let me go to Niki's, even suggesting she come along. “They have Coquito,” I said. “You love that stuff.”

  She gave me a look. I stayed in my room for the rest of the day, reading and refusing to participate in any more forced family fun.

  The day grew gloomy and dark, to my mopey satisfaction. Kai texted eventually.

  When’s your sentence up, jailbird?

  Tomorrow.

  I startled awake sometime around eleven. My journal was on the floor, having slid from my lap. Yawning, I dragged myself out of bed and into the bathroom. I'd been slumming it all day, but I hated going to sleep without a shower.

  I'd just pulled my pajamas on when a text came through. I sighed, having a feeling it was Kai, drunk dialing again. But it wasn't.

  You up?

  My heart stuttered. Yes

  Let me in?

  Frowning, I looked at my window. The blinds were drawn, so I couldn’t see anything, but I went over anyway, peeking through. Skyler was on the other side of the glass, black hoodie drawn up like a total creeper.

  I shot across my room, locked the door, and returned to let him in. He hoisted himself through the window and landed with a soft thud, flipping his hood back.

  "I didn't know your dad was a cop!" he said. "I saw his ride and came this close to leaving."

  “He's the chief park ranger,” I said. This wasn't the first time Dad's light-studded SUV had spooked someone. “For Jensen Beach.”

  “Does he or does he not carry a gun?”

  "Why are you here?" I asked, not unkindly. My heart was hammering in my chest. It was weird having him in my room.

  He shrugged, tucking his hands into his hoodie’s pocket. "You weren't around."

  My stupid heart began thawing, but most of me was still peeved at his trick from a couple nights prior.

  "So?"

  "So, they said you were grounded."

  I wondered who "they" were. Kai? Teigan?

  "I got in late the other night," I said, turning to sit on my bed. "From Kai's."

  "That sucks."

  "Whatever.” Yeah right—I'd been going stir crazy.

  Skyler toed off his sneakers and flopped back onto my bed, arms folded beneath his head. "I bet you have glow in the dark stars on the ceiling."

  I blushed, because I so did. “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah. Girls love that stuff.”

  I made a face, wondering how many bedrooms he’d been in. “You’ve noticed the trend, huh?”

  His gaze slid over to me, and he chuckled. “They’re all over my sister’s room.”

  I looked away, biting back a smile.

  “You’re not going to let me see?"

  I leaned over to turn off my lamp, plunging the room into near-darkness. A little faux-universe winked to life, no rhyme or reason, just a rambling of stars. Most of them had been there since I was little.

  “C’mere,” Skyler said.

  "No thanks. Last time I did that you left me in Kai's guest room like an idiot."

  The sheets rustled. "Yeah...I know. Sorry. It just, I don't know. Felt weird."

  It was probably the least eloquent I’d ever heard him be.

  "You should have just said that. Said anything."

  He didn’t respond, so I turned the light back on. He blinked, eyes a soft heather. "Don't you have anything...less bright?"

  There was a pile of old, multicolored Christmas lights on the floor. I'd been testing them earlier, making sure they still worked. Kneeling, I plugged them in.

  Skyler sat up. "That looks cool.”

  I nodded and stared at it for a minute, caught between the intoxicating ache of wanting Skyler and the sharp sting of how he could really be. I didn’t think we wanted the same things, not ultimately, but he made it hard to resist when he kept coming around.

  The lights gave my room a rosy glow. Leaving them plugged in, I got into bed and rolled onto my side, watching Skyler. He shifted to face me.

  "I don't get you,” I said, and it was a relief to finally admit it.

  For once, he looked away first. “I'm...sorry.”

  And it could have been flippant, or a brush-off, but I didn’t think it either one. Still, I didn’t know what to say. He trailed his index finger down the slope of my nose and over my lips. I bit his finger, hard, and his eyes widened.

  “Ow.” Darting close he kissed me and then bit me back, playfully catching my lip between his teeth.

  I gave him a gentle shove, establishing some distance. "Stop messing with my head."

  "You think I mess with your head?"

  "You know I like you.”

  The side of his mouth c
urved up. "You like me?"

  "Shut up," I said, shoving him again.

  But he bounced back like elastic, kissing and nibbling my neck. "You're a virgin, right?"

  Not that there had been any question. I nodded and then he nodded, pressing closer until he was so next to me that he was on top of me. We kissed long, slow, and deep: a kiss like sex, I imagined. "You let me know, then," he said, his voice barely audible over the pounding of my heart and the rushing in my ears.

  I played with the hair at the nape of his neck as we kissed. He slid his hand up under my shirt, bunching the material into his fist. The cool air hit my skin, giving me goosebumps. I shivered beneath Skyler, gasping when he sucked my nipple into his mouth.

  “Shh,” he said, kissing my other breast. I tossed a pillow over my face, not trusting myself to keep quiet. My parents were like, twenty feet away.

  The kissing became kind of rough and desperate, and he unbuckled his belt and opened his jeans, pulling them down a little. With so little between us now, I felt everything. He moved against me over and over, grinding on me, and I could tell it felt good for him, too. Legs wrapped around him, I pressed tight, no space between us as we rocked. He groaned, pushing his face into my hair.

  And then, then I was right there, too. I pushed back, trying to feel him right where I wanted to be felt and then I crested, mindless with pleasure.

  Skyler dropped to my side, breathing heavily. He glanced at me, slowly tugging my t-shirt back down. Our eyes met.

  "You coming out tomorrow?" he asked after a while.

  "Probably. Are you?"

  "I don't know,” he said, buttoning his jeans. “Yeah. Call me."

  "Yeah? You gonna be all weird with me?"

  "Nope." He kissed me and sat up, shrugging back into his hoodie. "No weirdness."

  I sat up, scooting to the edge of the bed.

  "Sorry to..." Skyler grinned, running his finger along the hem of my shirt so it grazed my skin. "Get it and go...but I have to clean up. And I can't do it here."

  My cheeks burned, and I stifled a nervous giggle “Right. Okay.”

  I opened the window as he tied his shoes. The night was cold and still, and I shivered, wishing I was back beneath the covers. With Skyler.