Starry Eyed Inside

by Rochelle Allison

  He straightened up, zipping his hoodie as he came closer. “Thanks for letting me in.”

  “Yeah, well, maybe I’ll let you freeze out there next time.”

  He cocked his head, watching me. “Nah. Just...keep letting me in.”

  We kissed, and he let himself back out the window. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he walked backwards, away from me. "Hey."

  "Hey," I echoed.

  "Call me."

  Electric Feel

  I couldn’t sleep after Skyler left.

  My body? So relaxed. But my brain just couldn't shut down. Images and sound bites flickered by on repeat: the way he'd crept into my room, shadowy and sexy and intent on turning me inside out the way he always did. His laugh, his smile; the way Christmas lights made his eyes glow.

  How he sounded when he came, and right before. I wondered what he'd sound like if we actually did it. Imagined how he’d look.

  Imagined how I would feel.

  Yeah, I wanted it. I wanted it with him... but it was scary. The potential of pain: physical; emotional if he decided he didn't want me. There was no way I was going there until I knew him more, no matter how much I freaking burned and melted for him.

  I shifted onto my side. My panties were a mess, all wet from me. I exchanged them for a dry pair, thinking about Skyler driving home with gross, gooey boxers. And then I laughed a little, because, really. He'd wanted to fool around—so that's what he got.

  More laughter bubbled through me, giddiness. Sometimes, he made me feel amazing. I grabbed my journal and doodled the sparkle of emotion simmering through me until my eyes grew heavy.

  The next morning, I went Christmas shopping with my mother at the mall. I’d always loved this time of year—the music, smells, feels—the undercurrent of excitement. We got gifts for Dad and my grandparents, and then, after some begging, some more of my favorite shower gel from Body Love.

  Back at home, I called Niki.

  "Hey, nena. You off house arrest?"

  "Haha." I eyed my mother and slipped into my bedroom, closing the door. "I am, actually. What's up for tonight?"

  “Not sure yet. Finn said they might go down to Cityplace to see a movie or something?"

  "Really?"

  "Yeah."

  "Are you going?" My stomach twisted. I’d wanted to hang, but if she had plans with Finn I’d feel like a third wheel. Still, the thought of being left behind sucked. I figured I could probably call Kai, too, if anything.

  "Maybe. I wanted to see what you were doing." Niki said something to her mother and got back on. "Ugh, she's acting crazy. This time of year, man. If I see another bottle of Coquito or container of flan I'm gonna puke."

  "Now you're acting crazy," I teased. "Coquito? You need to steal some of that and bring it tonight."

  "Javi’s tried, believe me,” she said. “She knows how many bottles she has. She makes it for customers."

  "Damn."

  "I mean, I would if I could."

  "Maybe if we’re good she’ll let us have a taste, like last year—”

  "Are you gonna text Kai?" she interrupted. “I have to, like, figure out what I’m telling my mom.”

  "Yep. Call you back in a minute."

  We disconnected and I messaged Kai. I was about to toss the phone onto the bed when a text came through, from Skyler's number.

  Aren't u supposed to be calling me?

  My heart lurched in sudden surprise. Sure, he’d said to call. But Skyler said a lot of things—I didn’t expect him to mean half of them. Pausing, fingers over the keys, I contemplated what to say.

  Guess you beat me to it :)

  I waited for a minute, staring dumbly at the screen. When it didn’t seem like any more texts were coming I called him back. I stared at myself in the mirror as the phone rang, fixing my hair and trying to quiet the nervousness inside.

  Wherever he was, sounded loud. "Hey, Rory.”

  "Hi, Skyler."

  "Kai's here if you wanna talk to him."

  "I don't," I said, and winced. He probably thought I was a spaz.

  He laughed. "So why'd you text him?"

  "To find out what was going on later."

  "We might go down to West Palm."

  "Yeah... I guess Niki talked to Finn about it."

  “You coming?" he asked.

  "Yeah." I swallowed hard, wishing he was the type to just ask outright.

  Wishing I was the type to just ask.

  "I guess I'll see you, then. I have a couple of things to do, but I'll be out later."

  "Cool...hey, let me talk to Kai then,” I said, figuring I’d take the opportunity to nail down plans.

  A second later Kai came on. "Rory?"

  "Hi!"

  "I just saw your text."

  "No worries,” I said. “Listen, can you pick me up later on? From Niki's maybe?"

  "You won't get in trouble for going to West Palm?"

  “Does your mom know you’re going?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

  “Um, no.”

  "Right. It's like, forty minutes away—they won't even know we left Jensen Beach."

  I texted Niki, letting her know the deal, and then updated Teigan. We hadn’t talked in a minute, and I kind of missed her. In the living room, Mom was curling ribbon with a pair of scissors, swaying along to a Michael Buble Christmas album.

  "It's okay if I sleep at Niki's tonight?"

  She sipped her eggnog, smiling serenely. I suspected she’d lubed it generously with bourbon.

  "Sure. Just make sure you're home on time."

  "I will, Mom. You know Mrs. Peña."

  "I do, which is why I don't mind you going."

  She'd mind if she knew Mrs. Peña always fell asleep early and rarely even heard us come in. But I bent to kiss her cheek. "Thanks, Mom."

  Floridian weather, especially during the winter, was unpredictable. It had been chilly the day before, and warm today. According to the weather app, tonight would be chilly again. I packed both a floral mini skirt and a pair of jeans, figuring I'd just go with whatever Niki was wearing.

  Kai and Finn picked us up around eight. There was another girl in the car, a quiet girl with reddish blonde curls. She was pretty, if not a little prissy looking.

  "Hi," I said, sliding into the backseat next to her. “I’m Rory.”

  Niki squeezed in beside me. "I'm Niki."

  "Molly." She gave us a perfunctorily polite smile and turned her face to the window, where it stayed for the remainder of the trip.

  I glanced sideways at Niki, frowning, but she just pinched my thigh. On one hand, I wanted Kai to hook up. On the other hand, I wanted him to be with someone cool, someone whose vibe fit with ours. I eyed Molly on the sly. Some girls didn't do well with other girls at first.

  Kai turned up the volume and headed back toward US 1. The streets were wet from a recent rain shower, the gleaming asphalt reflecting passing lights. We pulled into the Hess gas station by Publix, where some other cars had grouped off to the side, away from the pumps. A bunch of kids spilled out of the cars, socializing and messing around.

  I saw Skyler's car, but not him. He was probably in the driver's seat, rolling a spliff or something.

  Which reminded me. "Niki."

  She leaned closer, trying to hear above the music.

  "I'm going in for munchies. You want anything?"

  "Twix bar. And apple juice."

  We tumbled out of the car and I headed inside, focused on curating the perfect snack assortment for later.

  "Hey," said Teigan, bumping my hip as she joined me at the counter.

  Emptying my arms of chocolate and beverages, I leaned in for a side-hug. "Hey Teig. You just get here?"

  She nodded. "With Rocco and Sean. And some really weird girl who keeps giving me the stink eye. I think she wants Rocco. Or maybe she's already had him. Can't tell."

  I accepted my change from the cashier and smiled my thanks, walking back outside with Teigan. "You think so?"

>   She flipped her hair. "I really don’t care. She's not even cute."

  "Kai had some chick in the car when they came for us too. Molly. She's with him now." I nodded to where they were cuddled up against the hood of his car.

  "I think she was with him the other night," Teigan said, nodding. "She's nice I guess. Kind of quiet."

  "I'm glad. I wasn't too sure.” Crumpling my receipt, I tucked my treats into my purse.

  Skyler's car door was open now. He looked up as we passed, and our eyes met. I thought of him from the night before, our bodies moving together in the dark. I imagined doing it naked, imagined those eyes in the dark if he was inside of me. I hardly even knew what that meant; it was so intense and still so far away. But for a minute, last night, it had seemed so close.

  He cocked his head and smiled a little, like he knew, and I smiled back, letting Teigan pull me along. I was glad I'd worn the skirt.

  Despite the call to go see a movie down in West Palm, there hadn’t been much progress. Yawning, I checked my phone. It wasn’t the first time we’d wasted time at a gas station or parking lot, but I was finally free, and I wanted to do something.

  "Are we really going to a movie?" I asked Kai, making sure to keep my distance. I didn't want Molly get the wrong idea. "It's getting late."

  He shrugged, crossing one ankle over the other. "We can always catch a later show."

  I sidled up to Niki, who was chatting with Finn. She slid her arm around my waist, not missing a beat. Glancing around, I realized everyone looked kind of cozy and matched up. It made me anxious, made my stomach hurt. Was Skyler thinking about last night?

  He had to be, right? You didn't just do stuff like that and then forget about it. And he'd promised no weirdness. I was holding him to that. We'd been dancing around whatever this was for months; there was only so much of it I could take. I didn't want to be the clingy girl, but I wouldn’t hang around for scraps, either.

  The thought of not hooking up with Skyler put an ache in my chest, but if it came to that, well, so be it.

  Maybe.

  I peeked at his car. He was talking to Kai now, smiling at whatever he was saying. A couple of other cars pulled up. Rocco walked over, his arm slung around Teigan.

  "We're heading down, I think," he said.

  "Finally," I muttered, looking for lip gloss in my purse.

  People began getting into their cars, but Kai stopped me from getting into his. "Rory,” he said, smirking at my confusion. “Just... go ride with Skyler."

  I looked back at Skyler's car. The doors were closed and the windows were up. "Oh. Okay."

  Kai gave me a small push and got into the driver's seat, shutting the door.

  The distance between cars felt like this insurmountable chasm. I felt like a colt on new legs, every step uncertain. Taking a deep breath, I opened the passenger door and peered in. Looked like it was going to be just the two of us.

  "Hi.”

  "Hey." He swept his phone off the seat.

  I sat and pulled the door shut, tugging the hem of my skirt down a little.

  "You ready?" he asked, reversing out of his spot.

  "Yep."

  I'd never been inside his car. It felt surreal. Half the time I was looking for it on the road, wondering where its driver was and what he was doing. But now I was in it. It was messy, the floor littered with gum wrappers and energy drink cans. It smelled good, though, like cologne and something coconutty.

  We drove down US 1 for a minute, but then, instead of heading straight so we could get off at the exit for I-95, he turned down a side street. We crossed one of the bridges, headed toward the beach.

  "Are we still..." I looked around at the darkness outside. "Going to Cityplace?"

  He nodded. "Gonna smoke first."

  A warm gladness spread through me, like butter melting on toast. I loved being with him this way, just spending time. He turned the music on real low and lit the joint, passing it to me after a couple of pulls. "They'll be here in a minute. We just left first."

  I took a few hits and passed it back, coughing lightly.

  Smoke slowly filled the car, soft and hazy, crimson from the dials glowing on the dashboard. We shared a little more, and when I finally waved it away, Skyler outed it in the ashtray, opening the window. He settled back then, eyes closed. His eyelashes were so long they seemed to dust his cheeks.

  "How come..." I paused, licking my lips. "We don't talk?"

  Skyler opened his eyes. "We talk."

  "Not really."

  "What do you want to talk about?"

  "I just wanna talk to you."

  He grinned suddenly. "So talk to me."

  "What do you like to do? Besides smoke. And skim...and surf."

  "Sounds like you know me pretty well," he said, brushing my thigh with his thumb.

  I leaned my head back the way he was doing, trying not to lose my words in his touch, but it wasn’t easy. When I didn't respond, he looked back at me, resting his hand on my knee.

  "I played trombone in middle school.” He waggled his eyebrows, and I cracked a smile, unable to see it.

  “You should play for me sometime.”

  “Maybe I will.”

  “What else?”

  “Is this, like, an interview?” he asked, yawning.

  I turned the radio up. He turned it off.

  “I read a lot,” he said. “And even though I kind of hate school, I'll probably go to law school, like my mother."

  That surprised me. Kai had kind of led me to think maybe Skyler's relationship with his mom was strained. I guess I didn't think he'd want to do what she did as a career. "Is that what you want to do?"

  "Yeah. Defense, though. I don’t want to be a prosecutor."

  "Why don't you guys get along?" I'd always wanted to know.

  "We do, usually. I mean we used to.” He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. “She's always in my business, you know? Because of her job or whatever... she doesn't want me smoking and getting into trouble."

  "I can understand that.”

  He shrugged. "She did the same shit back in the day, and so did my dad. I really don't care."

  "Yeah, I think my mom use to smoke. A lot." The thought made me giggle. "Not my dad, though. He's always been so—”

  "Law abiding." Skyler snorted. "He's a cop; it's in his blood."

  "A ranger. And yeah, I guess," I said, smiling. "So what do you like to read?"

  "Graphic novels, mostly. Sci-fi, scary shit—I like Stephen King."

  "I’ve only ever read Carrie,” I said. “I loved it.”

  "You trying to tell me something?" He squeezed my knee. "You gonna go crazy on prom night and slaughter the school?”

  I opened my eyes real wide. "Maybe.”

  He began tracing his thumb along my skin again, tracing the inside of my thighs. "Anything else you want to know, Rory?" His voice was lower. It did funny things to my insides.

  "How many siblings do you have?"

  "Two: Rocco and Phoebe."

  "The one you steal shampoo from."

  His mouth quirked up. "Good memory. Yeah. She's ten."

  "Are you guys close?"

  He nodded.

  I fell quiet, wondering what Phoebe was like, if she looked like Skyler or more like Rocco.

  "Anything else?" he asked, scrolling through his phone. Music came on, floating through the speakers. He returned his hand to my thigh; teasing.

  "I'll let you know," I said, gripping the sides of my seat. He was driving me crazy, the way he was touching me.

  But Skyler knew that. He leaned over the console, coming close, and I met him halfway, craving his nearness, his scent, his taste. He kissed me softly, but it escalated quickly, making me hot from the inside out. His hand inched up until it was snug between my legs, right at the hem of my skirt. I ached inside for him, wanted him to touch, wanted to feel the way I'd felt last night.

  Headlights washed across the little sandy parking lot. He pulled away
slowly, taking his hand with him.

  I sat back, trying to steady my breathing.

  Someone knocked on his window and he rolled it down, letting in a brisk breeze.

  "What's up?"

  Rocco bent down, resting his arms inside the open window. "What do you mean, 'what's up?' Where's the blunt? You smoked it, didn't you?"

  Skyler handed him a blunt that had been concealed in the glove compartment. "Here. Chill out."

  Rocco reached in, ruffled Skyler's hair, and left with his goodies. By this point, several other cars had pulled up and people were milling around.

  "We're never going to get to Cityplace.” I didn’t even care anymore.

  "I don't know. You want to get out?"

  We got out and met in front of his car, where he half-sat on the hood and tugged me back between his legs. My heart started to beat extra quick. He'd said no weirdness—maybe he'd meant it.

  Rocco walked over with his blunt. I'd had enough, but I turned around when Skyler tapped my shoulder.

  "Want a shotgun?"

  I'd have taken anything from him. He bent down and I stretched up, accepting the smoke and the closeness.

  Cityplace was packed. It usually was on weekends, but it was especially crazy during the holidays. The movie the boys wanted to see was sold out, so we had to settle for something else. I began following our friends into the middle section, but Skyler pushed me along, guiding me to the last row.

  “Could we be any further back?” I teased, dropping into a seat.

  He grinned, tossing a handful of popcorn back.

  The movie had only been on for a couple of minutes when he threw his jacket over my lap. "In case you get cold," he said, giving me this sly, secretive half-smile.

  I smiled and took a sip of Coke, knowing he was full of it. We both knew.

  Then his hand was back on my thigh, underneath the jacket. He touched me like he'd been doing in the car, running his fingers lazily up and down. I wondered how far he would take it this time. It was impossible to concentrate on the movie.

  This went on for a tiny eternity... until he kissed me. I kissed him back, loving that I was becoming used to his mouth and the way it fit mine when we were like this.

  He scooted his hand up, urging my legs open a little, and grazed my underwear. I inhaled sharply, not expecting him to make it there so fast.