Her Online Addiction

by Ruby McQueen

  “Alright? Well, maybe I should get some pointers from you now, in case this guy bombs and I get that date one day?”

  “Isn’t that considered cheating?” I scoff.

  “Maybe.” He laughs a little “But you can’t blame a guy, if I had a shot, be damned if I’d let you go after that.”

  “Oh really?” I’m a little stunned but amused, he is forward and somewhat presumptuous.

  “Yes really. I would fight for you, Trinity, you would never have to question my feelings or motives, not ever.” He holds my gaze and the words roll from his insanely kissable, full lips in all seriousness. I’m feeling awkward, I have to end this.

  “Well... That’s sweet. Thank you, Ezra, but I have to get going now, it’s getting pretty late.” He grins but looks disappointed all at once.

  “You didn’t eat much though?”

  “I’m good thanks, I just chugged a smoothie after basketball.” That sounds very un-lady like, and I guess I hope that will turn him off me to some extent. We get up and he grabs the dockets while I reach for my bag and head to the cashier. We exit onto the street and he begins walking with me.

  “Thanks so much for dinner, Ezra, I enjoyed it.”

  “Anytime, Trinity, although you hardly had anything. I hope we can be friends?”

  “Can’t see why not.” I reply warmly, I’m not sure if people who are attracted to each other can be friends, it's dangerous territory really. I might be many things, but a trollop isn’t one of them. It’s bad enough trying to figure out one guy, much less complicating it with a friendly admirer.

  “Want to play a game on the way home?” I almost stop in my tracks.

  “Home? Oh, I thought... You live in the opposite direction, I just figured-”

  “No, I’ll walk you home.”

  “You really don’t need to do that, Ezra, this isn’t a date, and I have no expectations.”

  “No, I want to, if that’s ok? I like your company, you’re so... Interesting.” I don’t really want to, but I nod and agree as it seems it will be the quickest way to get rid of him.

  “Sure.” We resume a normal walking pace again in the direction of home. “What game?” I finally ask out of curiosity.

  “Well, we each take a turn asking a question, and you answer with the first thing that comes to mind, within a time limit of say three seconds.”

  “Okaaaay, and if I don’t want to answer?”

  “No, you have to, that’s what makes it fun.”

  “Aaaaah, I’m gonna regret this, aren’t I?”

  “Nooooo, totally pain free, promise.” He smiles so broadly the moon almost reflects from his perfectly white teeth illuminating them as we follow the path around the park.

  “Ugh, fine, hit me.” I say in mock dread, arching my neck back and staring up at the stars in the clear night sky.

  “Ok, favourite colour?”

  “Purple.” Too easy. “Dream holiday?”

  “Hey, this was supposed to be easy!” He chastises. “Ummmm somewhere tropical. Pets?”

  “Yes! Favourite Comedian?”

  “Robin Williams. Favourite film genre?”

  “Ooooh, Asian, martial arts. If you could be a lolly, which one would describe you?”

  “Damn girl!” He laughs “Ummmm, a red skin. Which lolly would you be?”

  “Copy-cat! Sherbies. What’s your fave band?”

  “Wait, a sherbie? Oh, I gotta know why?”

  “Is that part of the game?” I enquire.

  “It is now. I gotta know, pleeeease?” He drops his bottom lip out as he begs which is too cute.

  “Fine. I figure it’s sweet on the outside but then you hit a fizzy centre. You? Why the redskin?”

  “Well, I think they taste nice, but I figure they take ages to chew and if I get to spend more time anywhere near your mouth-”

  “Oh. My. God! How cheeky!” I laugh and go to swat my hand at him, which he jumps a little, so I miss.

  “Ok, Incubus. Do you find me attractive?” I stare stunned with my mouth ajar, the nerve of this guy!

  “You bugger! I think this game is over!”

  “Aww, come on, you know you can ask me a cheeky one in return, just a bit of fun.” And with that he winks at me.

  “Fine! Yes. Do you masturbate often?” I shoot him a look of ‘take that’. He grins at me like the Cheshire cat.

  “Thank you, lord.” He whispers making prayer hands while looking skyward. I can’t help but laugh, he’s goofier than me, almost.

  “Yes. Do you touch yourself often?” Holy shit, what did I start! Game over! Abort! Abort!

  “Ok, I’m sorry I asked, I can’t answer that.” I hold my hands up. “And we are here anyway, I’m just up there.”

  “Hey, I answered yours.”

  “Yes, but all guys masturbate, besides I didn’t really think you’d answer.”

  “Yes, but the question was in regard to frequency if I recall. It’s a perfectly natural act and the fact that you brought it up first suggests you in fact do touch yourself.”

  “OH my GOD! I’m not going there, I’m off, thanks for dinner, I think.” I state in jest, not as horrified as I’m making out. I would answer except for the fact I am avoiding the ensuing complications of any mixed signals at this point.

  “Okay, Okay, I’m sorry, it was too far. Thank you for the pleasure of your company.” And with that he approaches me closing the space between us. I instinctively back up but am halted by a brick fence of a neighbouring apartment block. He grabs my right hand and slowly raises it up to his pursed lips, pressing them against the cool skin of my knuckles while the searing heat of his stare pierces through me. My pulse accelerates as I watch on unable to even blink.

  I feel blood flush my face which no doubt matches my insides which are instantly bubbling along in a nervous fury. I want to look away but can’t. He is kissing my hand, it’s so weird and surreal. He is truly stunning to look at and those lips!

  “You’re welcome.” I reply in a small voice that sounds disconnected and trapped in a daze.

  “I want to kiss you, Trinity.” He lowers my hand leisurely and looks to the ground. Oh no!

  “It’s taking everything in me not to... I hope to see you again though.” He looks up and smiles at me as he releases my hand. I’m sure my heart is beating so loudly he can hear it and see the rhythm it is pumping almost outside of my chest. He backs away to give me space and I take my exit opportunity and head up the stairs to my apartment.

  “Ok, Bye.” I hastily push my pin code into the keypad at the entrance and the door buzzes to unlock, I push it and wave to him before disappearing inside and rushing up the stairs. As I reach my door, I release my tightly held breath and reach for the keys. I dump my bag on the floor when I go in and head straight to my lounge and flop onto it going lank. Oh My God! What the hell just happened? Mr Intensity trying to sweep me off my feet while I’m trying to hang on to and extract my worth to Mr Dark and Dangerous. Bloody Hell! What next? God, I need a list! List making helps clear my head, push the walls apart when they are closing in around me and in light of tonight, I’m glad I have my pad, Post-it's and a pen at the ready on my coffee table. I sit up and reach for it when my door buzzer rings making me jump almost out of my skin! I make my way to the buzzer wondering who it is, god please not Ezra. I push the intercom button and timidly say “Hello?”

  “Hey T, buzz me in.” I’m greeted by Merrick’s earthy, molten voice.

  “You dick, Merk, just use the key like always!” I hit the entrance door to let him in and open my front door to greet him. I hear him chuckle a bit before I see him coming up the staircase.

  “Who did you think it would be? Pretty boy?”

  “Shut up! I thought you took off. You know, that lame-ass furniture excuse?”

  “Nah, my bike’s here. Besides, I thought I’d be nosey, see what happened with you two.”

  “Nothing happened, nothing to see here, move along now…” He heads over to my kitche
n and unpacks his empty shake container from the bag and rinses it in my sink.

  “Ha! You just said I scared you, something’s going on.”

  “Nope, nothing.” I head back to my lounge and flop down onto it.

  “Ok, I did follow you a little bit.” He grabs an apple from my fruit bowl on my kitchen counter and joins me on the lounge before putting his bulky legs up on my coffee table. He almost over fills my small lounge and cramped apartment, but he has a relaxed manner and I like the way his presence soothes me.

  “What do you mean, you followed me?”

  “Well, I went to grab a bite at that Thai place with Bernie, and when you guys walked past, I figured I’d wait a bit then follow, see how it went.” He says between bites.

  “I can’t believe you would just ditch me like that! Such a sucky friend.”

  “Awww come on. Hot dude shows up drooling all over you, who am I to stand in the way of potential true love.”

  “Hot hey? Want me to see if I can hook you two up?” I laugh ignoring the obvious statement there being ‘true love’ potential.

  “Yep, only if he’s a giver.” He relaxes back into the lounge with a wriggle. “Ok, so dish, what’s the verdict? Is he a goer or what?”

  “Wasn’t it you earlier saying that Derek was into me? I can’t start something with this guy, come on man, that makes me a what?”

  “Fuck that, T. You yourself said you couldn’t tell if you were a piece of ass to him. Look, I can see the guy likes you, but if he doesn’t make it clear to you, then you are up for grabs, his loss.”

  “But... Aaaaaagh! I’m so confused, Merrick. What if he is into me like you say, and I start seeing someone else, first I’m a slut, second, I’ll be hurting him, no?”

  “Then he needs to get his shit together and make a hard move to make you his exclusively.”

  “Really? I think it will just ruin anything, before it gets rolling. Pissing on the embers and whatnot.” I’m so lost, what do I do?

  “If he doesn’t fight for you, T, he isn’t worth it, no matter the potential. And no, you won’t be a slut, just be upfront about it, you’re seeing other people, simple.” I roll my eyes.

  “Riiiight, in the meantime I’m dysfunctional in one relationship, much less testing out multiple suitors! You’ve seen me.” I throw up a hand gesturing at myself.

  “I’m not saying you see multiple guys, just take them for a test drive and see how they fit you. It’s either a yes or no then move on. Simple.” Oh, sure simple to Merrick, I can’t express my feelings without guilt and anxiety at the best of times. It’s gonna be so hard to say ‘sorry I’m not feeling you’ after they have been in my bed. Complications, I’m not sure I am equipped to deal with them.

  “Hmmmm maybe.” I answer in a flat, contemplative tone.

  “Anyway, back to pretty boy, what happened? He wants to see you again?”

  “Yeah, he went all nineteen twenties on me at the end there, kissing my hand.” I laugh, but thinking about it almost does things to me, the look on his face, in fact, if not for Derek, that might have gone a whole lot differently.

  “Interesting... So, let’s pretend there is no Derek, are you attracted to this guy or what?”

  “No Derek?” Oh great, now for my confessional.

  “Yup, no Derek. You fight your feelings all the time, T, and in this thing with Derek, more so, I see you clamping down hard and it’s clouding everything. I just want the straight up facts. Is he hot? Do you like him? Enough to jump him?” I stare at him for a minute before reluctantly answering.

  “Yes, very hot. Yes... I’d dive on that, no Derek in the picture.”

  “Just as I thought.” He says smugly.

  “Ok, well, explain a bit more what you mean by the whole fight my feelings thing.”

  “Well, we’ve been friends forever, I see you. You think showing your feelings shows your hand, like a weakness, and that you will be preyed upon if they know how you feel. You like a guy to pursue you, so you absolutely know how he feels about you first, it’s a safety thing, right?” I mull it over for a bit, I can’t deny it, it’s true.

  “Yeah, you’re right. I avoid it like the plague.”

  “Ok, right. Well, how do you feel about Derek, the truth?” Oh, the dreaded question. I swallow the hard lump that is beginning to form in my throat and respond.

  “Well, put it this way, I think I’m in over my head. I really like him, like it scares me how much I like him. If I let myself love him, I think I will get burnt. No, scratch that, more like cremated.”

  “Ok, so, have you told him how you feel?”

  “No freaking way! I can’t.” Not even an option.

  “Why not?” He rubs a meaty paw through his hair.

  “Because I don’t think he wants anything more than to be fuck buddies.”

  “So, bottom line is when you love people, they hurt you?”

  “Yeah… I guess.”

  “So, you control everything, you fight how you feel to protect yourself, which means acting against your natural instincts. Actually, I wouldn’t just say fight them, more like shut them down. Which leads to panic on your behalf when they do things that draw any feelings from that tightly fisted grip you have on them.” I let the statement marinade into my mind. He is right, I think I knew it, but the way he said it, makes it seem so clean to me, like a light bulb moment.

  “Holy crap, you’re Dr Phil!” My revelation makes him chuckle before he resumes his observations of me.

  “Then you act irrational, you are all awkward and weird, not the cool Trinity that I know.”

  “I know right? I see it and feel it, the whole emotionally stunted freak-out, I know it’s true, I just don’t know how to stop it, you know?”

  “Well, it’s a pattern and your past doesn’t do you any favours, so maybe just change it up. Before you get too involved with a guy, let him know upfront you will see other people unless they make it clear they want you to themselves.” Oh yes, my past. The childhood I somehow survived. I can’t see any fault in his logic though.

  “Yeah, before I get in too deep. See, this is why I think Derek and I are going nowhere fast. When we first started flirting, he told me he was seeing three different girls just to keep sex interesting. It’s just sex and at the moment I’m interesting.” I’m feeling much more relaxed and I am so glad I finally get to offload this off my chest.

  “See, I get that that might make you a bit wary, but some of that is the past talking, the way your old man used to put you down all the time. You don’t think you’re enough and I got to say, Trinity, you are one of the strongest people I know, bar none. But you don’t have to be strong all the time. You deserve more than just waiting to find out if you are enough for some guy.” Wow! For the second time tonight, a bullet parts the bone between my brows. He is so right; I should ask for what I want and actually feel like I deserve it. The sad fact is I don’t, it’s like my childhood where I was so small and insignificant that I am just grateful for the scraps.

  I turn to Merrick and smile.

  “Thanks, Dude. I think I needed to hear that. You are right as always, how would I function without you?”

  “I’ve always got your back, you know that.” With that he reaches an arm over to me and grabs my shoulder and draws me in for a hug, before roughing my hair with his fist. I giggle and push him away from me.

  “Get off me smelly-man-beast.” He shoves back at me; it’s such a brother and sister relationship. I may be broken emotionally, but not with my friends.

  “So, when do you and lover’s nuts see each other again, baby cakes?” He is winding me up now, but I’m glad for some lighter banter.

  “The weekend.”

  “Dirty weekend, huh?”

  “Yup. You think after that I should just wait and see what happens?”

  “Yep, if he doesn’t make a play to make it a permanent thing, I’d say give the pretty boy a crack. After all, he might be a kinky-nun-chuck-fucker, right up your
alley.” He lets out a hearty laugh as I punch his bulging upper arm as he flexes bracing for it.

  “Shut-Up! Don’t be hatin’ on Fu Manchu.” I roll with it and Merrick kicks up the laughter a few degrees.

  “I’m not hatin’, Fu Manchu might screw you lucky-ducky style.” I can’t help but laugh along, he’s such a goof. The Asian comments are more or less to take the piss out of my cinematic preferences, Merrick is a lover to all.

  “Ha! Better than the solo man-strum.” Back at you.

  “Get outta here, ain’t nobody beating the meat, I can pick up anywhere, anytime, in fact I think I’m feeling lucky for the weekend, ohhhh yeeeeah.” And there’s my competitive bestie, always rising to any challenge thrown down.

  “Sure-sure, beer goggle barkers don’t count.”

  “That was one fucking time, is no one ever gonna let me live that shit down?” The look on his face is priceless! Just made my night! I bring a cushion up to my face in an effort to stifle my laughter.

  “Unlikely. Anyways, I stink, I’ve gotta hit the shower.”

  “Yeah, mine’s calling too. I’m outta here, Baby Cakes.” He goes to get up and stretches before adding “Hey, what’s happening with Izy’s B’Day on Wednesday?”

  “Well, we were going to organise drinks after work Friday.”

  “Perfect, message me after with the details. What are you getting her?”

  “Well, she just broke up with Samuel, so a selfie date box.” He chuckles as he goes to grab his bag and his helmet now adorning the top of my fridge which I somehow failed to notice.

  “Christ, I don’t wanna know, do I?” I laugh too, I have no problems saying what that entails but I leave it for now, he’ll soon see.

  “Eerrmm, probably not.” I shake my head and give him an exaggerated mock wide eyed ‘definitely not’.

  “Righto kiddo, see you Friday night.”

  “Yep. Catch-ya.”

  He exits my apartment, and I shut the door behind him and head to my shower. I think about all the things he said to me about Derek and Ezra while I lather up my skin with organic coconut body wash. I agree with him; I do deserve a clear indication from Derek about where I stand with him. I don’t ask partly out of fear, but mostly out of feeling like I have no right to ask, that or that it might push him away. Also, its early days for us, so do I really have the right to ask? Merrick is right though, I should just suck it up and ask and if it sends him packing, so be it! This limbo is sending me loopy.