I Go Where You Go

by Jaelyn Hardin

  Getting Dani to leave the party was more difficult than expected. She wasn’t aware of how drunk she was, and she was defiant to leave.

  “Guys, I’m good! See!” She stood on one foot and attempted a strange move that resulted in Matt catching her before she fell.

  “Dani, it’s time to go.” Matt tried to be assertive with her, but it wasn’t working. She was fighting against him. I attempted to work with her.

  “Dani, remember that secret I told you?” I was trying to coax her.

  She rolled her eyes like it was obvious. “Yes.”

  “That can only happen if we go. And you want that to happen, right?”

  She looked between Matt and me repeatedly and her hard exterior fell to the ground. “Yea, I do. I really do.”

  “Then come on!” I held my hand out to her. She took it willingly and together we skipped to the car. I got her buckled in the backseat without a single hand of help from Matt.

  “Nicely done,” Matt complimented me. “What’s this secret?”

  “If I told you it wouldn’t be a secret,” I smirked back at him and got in the car, ready for my evening to commence.

  Dani had passed out on the drive home. The ride began with high pitched singing, then moved to low grumbles of singing. By the time we pulled onto their street it was nothing but light snores. I was going to help get her out of the car, but Matt beat me to it.

  “I got her. Would you get the doors for me?” He lifted her out of the backseat like a child, almost like he had done it too many times before. I quickly raced in front of him, opening the front door, and then racing up the stairs and down the hall to get the door to her room. Rocky was quick on my heels as I found it, turning on the light and guiding Matt inside. He laid her on her bed, taking her shoes off before pulling a blanket over her. Even for a brother, it was a sweet gesture.

  “Well that was fast,” I laughed.

  “I knew she would pass out. She had too many shots.” He rolled his eyes at Dani before turning back to me. “So.”

  “So?” I asked, feeling nervous.

  “Since Dani is already asleep, I was thinking you and I could hang out for a while?”

  The warmth was back and was enveloping me quickly. “This was your idea?”

  He nodded, swooping his hand around my waist and pulling me into his chest. “I didn’t want to miss a chance to spend the night with you.”

  “Really?” I whispered, in disbelief of his words.

  “Really. So, what do you say? Spend the night with me? And that’s it, just be there…with me?” I could’ve melted right there. He wasn’t looking for sex, he just wanted to spend time with me.

  “I can do that,” I whispered. Matt leaned in and kissed me softly.

  “Get changed, and I’ll meet you downstairs.” He left the room and me with my thoughts, taking Rocky with him.

  I sat on the edge of Dani’s bed, trying to catch my breath. This was unbelievable. Was I really about to do this? Was I about to spend the night with Matt?

  I changed into my joggers and tank, trying not to overthink what was happening around me. I stood in Dani’s full-length mirror behind the door and stared at my reflection. Wasn’t half bad for fake pajamas. Every part of my body that I was worried about was covered, so I could relax. I lifted the bottom of my shirt and reexamined the stretch marks printed on my stomach. No one saw these, I made sure of it.

  I wiped my makeup off and combed my hair back with my fingers, looking at my reflection and embracing my true self. I had come such a long way in a short time, it was about time I do something for me.

  The hallway was completely dark, the only light coming from a lamp downstairs. I shook out my hands and took a deep breath. Fear was trying to come through and tell me to go back to Dani’s room, where I belonged. But fear got me nowhere. I rested my hand on the banister and exhaled. Here goes nothing.

  I made it down the stairs and found Matt standing in front of the couch, laying out a large flannel blanket over the couch cushions. He was wearing a dark blue t-shirt and black shorts, looking relaxed. My heart was racing again, but not with nerves. I think it was excitement.

  “Hi,” I whispered, trying to act as normal as I could.

  His head spun toward my direction with a smile. “Hey.” Rocky ran to greet me, his tail wagging heavily.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, looking at his blanket set up.

  “I wasn’t sure if you were cold.” He shrugged, almost nervously. “Is this okay?”

  I couldn’t get enough of how much he cared. I used all the confidence I had left to walk to the couch and curl under the blanket. Matt did the same. There was no touching, but we were close. Rocky curled up on the floor, looking back and forth between the two of us.

  “I’m nervous,” I admitted, unable to look at him.

  “What are you nervous about?”

  “Being alone with you.” I fiddled my hands together in my lap.

  “Is it a bad nervous?” His voice was strained. “Cause’ you don’t have to be here if you’re uncomfortable. I won’t be upset, I promise.”

  I shook my head quickly. “No, it’s not a bad nervous. It’s…it’s more like excited nervous.” His face relaxed before me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his chest, letting me breathe him in. I slid my hand around his waist, holding him close. We breathed each other in for a while, neither of us speaking. It was a moment for us to just be.

  “I’m not expecting anything from you. I’d be fine with just sitting next to you all night.” He whispered each word in my ear. I held his hand in mine and stroked his knuckles with my thumb. “Do you want to be here?” he asked quietly.

  I looked into his dark brown eyes. “Yes.”

  He let go of my hand to hold onto my face. Matt stroked my cheek lightly while looking at my lips, driving me crazy. In sync with each other, he pulled my face to his and kissed me deeply. He walked his fingers to the base of my neck and wove them through my hair, lightly pulling it as he kissed me. I reached for his sides and gripped his shirt in my hands, pulling him toward me. The feeling of his lips was extreme. The second he pulled away from our kiss I immediately wanted him to come back. I hadn’t kissed many people in my years, but nothing had ever felt like this. I could feel that warmth all through my body. I desperately wanted him to be closer to me.

  I don’t know what came over me, but I couldn’t help myself. I slid my body the rest of the way, swinging my leg over to make my decision definite. My first time ever straddling a boy, and he reciprocated well. Matt slid his hands up the back of my shirt, setting my skin on fire. I leaned my body into his and ran my hands over his hair. Every nerve in my body was alive and reacting to its best ability. I couldn’t imagine not feeling this way.

  Our kissing was getting more intense, his hands pulling on my skin. I didn’t know how far this was going to go. I wasn’t thinking. Thankfully, Matt was thinking for the both of us. He pulled back from my lips and breathed heavily.

  “Becka,” he said through a jagged breath.

  “Yea?” I felt the soft cotton of his shirt between my fingertips.

  He looked back at me with gentle eyes, stroking my cheek once again. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this. Like…it is very difficult to keep my hands off you.”

  “I know,” I whispered to him, feeling vulnerable.

  Matt exhaled before speaking. “But I don’t think we should go any further.”

  I looked down at his chest, not wanting to meet his eyes. “Okay.”

  “Hey,” he shifted my gaze back to him. “Don’t get me wrong, there are a thousand reasons why we could, but it shouldn’t be like this.”

  “What should it be like?” I asked, curious to hear his answer.

  Matt let go of my face and held my hands tightly. “It should be more than a drunk sleepover with my sister. I want you to be completely comfortable with me.” He lifted my hands to his lips and kissed them kindly. “But
when that time comes, I’ll be there. If you’ll have me, of course.”

  I smiled back at his charm. “I’ll let you know.”

  “Are you okay?” he looked deeper at me, checking to make sure.

  I nodded my head yes. I watched the corners of his mouth go up and butterflies invaded my stomach once more. “You are something else.”

  “Good something, I hope.”

  “Better than good.” I held his face in one of my hands, feeling his scruffy chin under my thumb. “It’s all that magic you have.”

  “I’m still not a wizard?”

  “You are getting closer to the world of wizardry, but not yet. But I will say, magician and pop star? You are quite impressive, Shawn.”

  Matt threw me down on the couch and started tickling me so aggressively, I’m lucky my laughter didn’t wake Dani from her drunken slumber.

  “You better take it back!” Matt joked, continuing with his torture. My body was jolting in every direction, trying to dodge his fingertips. As natural as it felt to laugh with him, I couldn’t take it any longer.

  “Okay, okay! I take it back!” He hovered his hands around my sides, undecided if he was finished. “I take it back! You win.”

  “That’s what I like to hear.” He laid down next to me on the couch, leaning on his elbow and staring back at me. Between the laughter and the look he was giving me, I could’ve stayed there forever.

  “Thank you for being a gentleman.”

  “You don’t have to thank me for that.”

  “Yes, I really do. It means a lot to me.”

  “It’s okay, Becka. I promise.”

  There was something that had been on my mind, but I wasn’t sure how to ask.

  “The crease is back.”

  I sighed in preparation. “Can I ask you something? And if it’s too personal you can say no.”

  “Okay, what’s up?”

  “How many girls have been where I am?” I said it quietly, not trying to offend him. He reached over and held my hand, blowing up my nerves. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. It’s too personal. Never mind.”

  “Becka, relax, we can talk about it. But can I ask why you want to know?”

  That was even more difficult than asking the question in the first place. I exhaled deeply and looked at the ceiling, unwilling to meet his perfect eyes for this. “I know you are a gentleman and magical and perfect and everything, so I don’t think anything bad about you as it is, but if I decided to let you not be a gentleman, I have to wonder if it would mean that much to you or it would just be another number on your list. Not saying you have a list, but I’ve seen your face, I guarantee you have a list. And I don’t want you to think badly of me for allowing you to not be a gentleman.”

  He contemplated my answer for a moment before responding. “So, you want to know how many girls have been here because you think that will show whether I will continue to be me or just put you on my body count?”

  “Well, when you say it like that…”

  “Becka,” he laughed. “How can you think so much? Does your brain hurt after that?”

  “Yes, and my pride from saying it all out loud.”

  He held my hand tighter in his and looked back at me. “I have had sex with two people. The first girl was when I was sixteen, I liked a girl, we had sex, turned out that was all she wanted from me. The second girl, I started dating when I was sixteen. I was with her for a while, but it ended up not working out. She was the only girl to be in my room. And not for sex, she was just in my room.”

  It took me a minute to process everything. He was coming at me with straight facts and I don’t think I was prepared. “Okay,” was all I could manage.

  “But I have never asked a girl to spend the night with me. Just sleep or otherwise.” He looked back at me so confident in his feelings, it was comforting.

  “Really?” I asked shyly.

  “Really.” Matt let go of my hand and laid his body on top of mine, locking our eyes together. He combed his fingers through my hair and away from my face. I wrapped my arms around his body and pushed my fingers into his back. “I don’t want you to worry about being thrown away again, not with me.”

  For the first time in a long time, I felt safe. “There is no one on my list.”

  He looked more shocked than I thought he would. “Really?”

  “Does that surprise you?”

  “I mean, kind of, yea. You told me about that stupid bet. I thought you meant he…”

  I shook my head viciously. “No. I found out before anything happened.”

  His lips curved into a smile. “That’s good. I mean, the whole thing was shitty but at least you didn’t sleep with him, you know what I mean?” I nodded in agreement. “But just so you know, whether your list is empty or full doesn’t bother me. I’m a gentleman either way. But I won’t think badly of you if you ask me not to be.”

  “I trust you.”

  Matt leaned in and kissed me sweetly. “Thank you for trusting me.” I already felt so much closer to him, revealing so much made it feel so real. And Matt was real. Matt was more real than anyone I’d ever known, and I couldn’t get enough of it.

  “You look happy,” Matt said.

  “I am.”

  “So am I.”

  Thirteen

  I woke up to the gentle touch of lips landing on my cheek. I smiled greatly, realizing where I was. When I opened my eyes to match the lips to a face, there was no one. I sat up from the couch just in time to see the front door click shut. Where did the lips go?

  Not only was I confused, but I was alone in Matt’s living room. A level of enjoyment and wonder spread over me. I leaned back on the couch and smelled the blanket once more, taking in his scent and feeling safe. I rolled over and came face to face with a folded piece of paper resting on the coffee table with Becka scrawled on the front.

  Put the crease away, I’ll be right back. -Matt.

  Our night had continued with kissing and talking. We talked about everything under the sun. I learned his likes and dislikes of food and movies. He showed me a scar on his leg he got as a child. He asked me question after question, and it wasn’t long before I was volunteering embarrassing stories from my childhood. There was nothing about being with him that was work, it was the easiest thing in the world. I don’t know what time it was when I fell asleep, but all I knew was his arms were wrapped around me so securely, I never wanted to leave.

  Matt didn’t come back right away, I thought he must’ve driven somewhere. I didn’t want Dani to wake up and not see me in her room, so I reluctantly got up. I folded the blanket and made my way to put it back in its rightful place. And if I managed to end up in Matt’s room, so be it.

  I opened his door slowly, not sure what to expect. The sun was peering through the closed blinds, giving the room a sunny tint. His bed was large and missing a blanket. Looks like I found its home. I remade the bed for him, running my hand down his sheets.

  I strolled through his room, enjoying his soft carpet between my toes. I traced my fingers on his desk, taking in the structure he kept. He had a few books and binders on the shelves, surprising me. He had never mentioned that he too liked to read. At the top of the desk was a picture frame. I couldn’t tell who was in it, so I took it down to get a better look. In the picture was a very pretty, dirty-blonde woman wearing a plain white t-shirt and jeans. Her hair was flying in the wind, but her smile was what caught your attention. Her arm was wrapped around a little boy with dark hair and that same smile. They were standing on the beach, holding crabs between their fingers. I knew immediately this was Matt’s mom. I touched Matt’s pictured face, peering at the adorable little boy with his favorite person. It made me want to hug him and never let him go so nothing could hurt him ever again.

  I made my way to leave but I stepped on a shirt that was in my path. When I picked it up, I realized it was the shirt he had worn to bed. Without even thinking, I held it in my hands and took it with me.

&n
bsp; Dani was still knocked out. Her character shirt was wrinkled, and her jeans were still on, dreads spread out on her pillow. She looked like she wasn’t going to wake up for a while.

  I found my toothbrush, cleaned out the morning breath and got dressed for the day. I went to put on the shirt I packed with me, but I decided to be a little dangerous. Instead, I slid on Matt’s dark blue shirt that he had slept in. It smelled of him when I put it on, making me go into a daze. I tied a knot in the front, hoping to disguise it enough.

  I looked at myself in Dani’s mirror and I couldn’t stop smiling. Just the thought of the night before caused a whole new round of smiles to come out, I had to hold my cheeks to keep them from aching. This was what absolute happiness felt like.

  “What time is it?”

  Dani was leaned up on her elbows staring back at me, clearly confused.

  “Good morning, sunshine!” I said with more enthusiasm than she needed.

  “Please, please stop yelling.” She squeezed her eyelids shut, fighting off the headache.

  I went to the bathroom and got her a glass of water and two pain pills, hoping this would help. “Here.”

  “Thank you.” She laid back down and stared at the ceiling. “How did I get here?”

  “Matt drove back, and we carried you upstairs.”

  “How drunk was I?”

  “Very, very, drunk.”

  “Oh, lord.” She covered her face with a pillow. “My head is spinning.”

  “Shots will do that to you.”

  “Why didn’t you stop me?”

  “Oh, I tried, and then you yelled at me about becoming Matt’s girlfriend.”

  Dani groaned loudly. “I’m really sorry.”

  I sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed her shoulder. “It’s okay.”

  Like lightning, she shot up from the bed. “I have to puke.”

  I followed her in the bathroom and got behind her just before she slumped to the floor. I don’t know how I did it, but I got all her dreads in my hands before the contents of her stomach came out like lava. It was breath after breath, all this grossness came out of such a small person. It was disgusting.