I Go Where You Go

by Jaelyn Hardin

  I looked up and I found Matt standing in the doorway.

  “And how are we doing this morning?” He was looking down at Dani’s head in the toilet with a smile. She let go of the toilet just to flip him off. “It’s what you get dude,” he laughed at her.

  When she was finally done puking, she rested her head on her arm, preparing to stick her face back in the toilet. “Do you need something?”

  “I brought food.”

  “Waffles?”

  “Waffles.” He looked back at me. “When you guys are done come downstairs and we can eat, okay?”

  “Okay,” I smiled back at him, happy to see his face once again. I tied Dani’s hair in the best bun I could manage and helped her get off the floor. “Feel better?”

  “I feel weak.” She brushed her teeth, took off her jeans and threw on some sweatpants. “I need food.”

  James had met up with Matt at the diner and was downstairs when I got there. There were takeout containers spread out on the table and the smell of waffles burning a hole in my nose.

  “Hey, Becka.” James was already digging into his breakfast.

  “Hey, how was the rest of the party?”

  “It was chill. A couple of people got drunk, but it was a good time.”

  I opened my box and found a perfectly crisped waffle. I looked over at Dani and her head was passed out on the table.

  “Dani, food, eat it.” I prodded her with my fork.

  “I’m working on it.” She grabbed her fork but had to stop to take a break. “I’m so tired.”

  “Alright, but you have to eat something.” I pushed her waffles closer to her, trying my best.

  “Becka, come here a sec,” Matt hollered from the counter. I found him standing over a hot cup of coffee.

  “What’s up?”

  “I made you coffee, but I still don’t know how you drink it.” He looked so sincere, I immediately started to blush. I leaned into his arm and quickly kissed his shoulder.

  “Thank you.” I took the cup from his hands and sipped it with a smile.

  “You drink it black?” His eyes were wide with surprise. “Isn’t that like, super bitter?”

  “You get used to it, I guess.”

  “Whatever you want.” He pecked my forehead lightly before going back to the table. I looked down at my coffee, hoping no one would see my face change colors.

  We ate our waffles and made small talk in peace. But when I heard footsteps above my head, it frightened me. I looked at Matt confused. I didn’t think anyone else was here.

  “Dad’s up,” he said softly. He looked upset. I didn’t understand why, so I just studied his face.

  A few minutes later, the footsteps came down the staircase and a very tall man came into the room.

  “Hey, Dad,” Matt said. “Morning.” He was trying to sound happier than he looked. I couldn’t read him.

  “Morning, Dad,” Dani mumbled with her head still down.

  “Hey, guys.” His dad went to the counter and poured himself some coffee. He was holding onto the counter with his back to us. He was a lot taller than I pictured him to be. His hair was dark like Matt’s, but shorter and graying heavily.

  “I brought you some food if you’re hungry,” Matt offered. His dad didn’t say anything in return. He was very focused on the coffee pot.

  “Dad, this is Becka.” Dani propped her head up and introduced me. That got his attention. He whipped around from the coffee pot and met my eyes.

  “Oh! I didn’t even see you there!” He smoothed his hair down and tried to unwrinkled his white t-shirt. He came over to me from the table and stuck out his hand with a smile. “I’m Michael.”

  “It’s nice to meet you,” I smiled in return, trying to act like this wasn’t weird.

  “Dani’s told me a lot about you. Can I get you anything?” He raced back over to the fridge and started reciting its contents.

  “No, I’m okay.”

  “Are you sure? We have juice and fruit and stuff.”

  “I’m okay, thank you though.”

  “Anything you need, just help yourself.” The quiet, tired man from a few seconds ago was now the host of a breakfast buffet.

  “Do you want to sit with us Dad? Eat something maybe?” Matt sounded so sincere.

  “Oh no, that’s okay. I have to get cleaned up so I can head over to the shop.” He poured his coffee in a cup and turned back to me. “It was nice to meet you, Becka.” Michael took his coffee cup and headed back upstairs. When he passed by my chair, the strong aroma of liquor punched me in the face.

  “You too.” I smiled back politely, not wanting to embarrass anyone. When he was gone, the table was quiet. Matt’s expression showed more disappointment than anything. Dani’s said the same thing. I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew it was hurting the two of them.

  “I have to head out soon,” James interrupted the awkwardness. “I promised my mom I’d help her around the house today.”

  “I need sleep,” Dani’s voice was a mumble. She ate about half her waffle before her face stayed slumped against the wood of the table. She wasn’t going to be awake for much longer. “All the sleep.”

  “Looks like it’s just me and you, Becka.” Matt’s normal mood returned, and his smile was the same smile I went to bed with. I couldn’t look at him without blushing, so I stared at my empty plate, trying not to draw any attention to myself. But we both knew my feelings for him were flying around the room.

  “Oh my gosh, just get a room already.” Dani’s words were muffled, but we all heard her.

  James started laughing uncontrollably. “Yes!” He threw his head back and pounded his fist on the table, living in hysteria. “It’s about time someone said it!”

  I covered my face with my hands, trying to hide my embarrassment. “This is not happening.”

  “For real, just get together and get it over with.” Dani shoved another piece of waffle in her mouth as she spoke.

  “You know,” Matt chimed in, “not a bad idea.”

  I put Dani back to bed and James left shortly after that. Michael was headed out to work, looking a lot cleaner in a polo with the auto shop logo on it. He was not a bad-looking man; I could see a lot of Matt in his face. He was about to take off, but not before offering me more food.

  “If you get hungry, feel free to eat whatever you want.”

  “Thank you, Mr. Murphy.”

  He smiled back at me. “Just Michael, please.”

  “Okay,” I felt awkward. He was nice, but I knew something was bothering Matt and that mattered more to me than anything.

  “I’ll see you guys later.” Michael grabbed another cup of coffee and he was gone.

  Matt sat on the couch and propped his feet up. I curled my body next to his and let him wrap his arm around me.

  “Hey, you.”

  “Hi,” I said.

  “How did you sleep?” He rubbed my shoulder nice and softly.

  “Great, you are really comfortable.”

  He laughed. “I’m glad.”

  “How did you sleep? I hope I didn’t bother you.”

  He shook his head. “Absolutely not.” He kissed the top of my head and whispered to me. “Having you here was… amazing.”

  “Amazing, huh?”

  “It’s not every day I have a girl with me. Spending time with you last night was great. And I didn’t think I’d like waking up to you so much.” The creases around his eyes were in full effect when he smiled.

  “So much magic this morning,” I teased him. I wrapped my arms around his middle and leaned my head on his chest, listening to his breathing.

  “Can I ask you something?” he whispered. I nodded against him. “Did I move too fast last night?” I could feel his heartbeat pick up through his shirt.

  “No, not at all.” I replayed what happened in my head and I was already warm.

  “Are you sure?” He sounded worried.

  I leaned back from him to meet his eyes. “What’
s up?”

  He exhaled slowly. “I’m sorry, I’m overthinking.”

  “About last night?”

  “Yeah, I think so.” He ran a hand through his hair roughly. I didn’t understand. I thought it was great. I thought he thought it was great. Was it not? “Oh shit, the crease is back.” He pointed at my face. “Now I’ve got you overthinking.”

  “Can you just explain, please?” I asked as calmly as I could.

  Matt took his arm off my shoulders and rubbed his hands together aggressively like he was starting a fire. “Okay. Last night…was great. And I really mean that. I really like spending time with you. Talking to you is so easy.” He looked down at his lap again, cracking his knuckles. I couldn’t help but notice the veins in his hands enlarge. His voice dropped to a whisper. “And I like kissing you. I like holding you close to me, and...”

  I broke out in a smile. He was trying so hard to talk to me; I couldn’t have done it any better. I reached over and put my hands over his, trying to calm him down. “I like it too.”

  He looked down at his lap, full of nerves. “I told you last night I’d been wanting to do that for a while. And it was…unbelievable. Like I never wanted to stop. And for a minute I was scared I wouldn’t be able to.” He felt the exact way I did. This uncontrollable urge to touch each other wasn’t just there for me.

  “I know exactly what you mean,” I whispered closely, wanting to make sure he heard me. “I told you I’m not very experienced…but last night I wanted to experience everything.”

  He lifted a hand to my face and rubbed my cheek softly, caressing my nerves. “That’s very dangerous, Becka.” He looked anything but concerned.

  “You’re telling me,” I smiled. “Spending the night with you was amazing, and I’m not worried about anything that happened.”

  He pulled me in, kissing me deeply. Just the touch of his lips on mine brought me right back to where I was last night, and I knew he was too. I curved my hands around the back of his neck and let my fingers swim through his hair. I pulled on it lightly, unable to help myself, but he liked it more than I thought. Matt drove his hand up the back of my leg so strongly I could feel his fingertips through my jeans. I no longer had control of the situation and I didn’t care. I let him pull my leg the rest of the way, leaving me once again straddling him, just trying to enjoy myself for once.

  The kissing continued to intensify. Matt’s hands were up the back of my shirt, pulling on my skin. Every single one of his touches set me on fire. I left his lips and kissed his jawline, loving the way he pulled me closer with each kiss. Each of my kisses got lower and lower until I found myself in the crook of his neck. I was only a few kisses deep when I found myself in the air. I don’t know how he did it so quickly, but he picked me up so smoothly I barely even felt it. But just as quickly as I was up, I was back down, this time on the opposite end of the couch.

  “What are you doing?”

  Matt took all the couch pillows and stacked them between us, giving us zero physical contact.

  “I need obstacles stopping me from touching you,” he finally answered after he sat back down, leaving me unable to see him, “otherwise this is about to get real dangerous.”

  Blush invaded my cheeks. The idea of someone unable to keep from touching me was not lost on me. It was unbelievable. But I felt strange. Like I was the one initiating it. Like maybe I was pushing him.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, trying to calm my body down.

  “For what?” he asked confused.

  “Getting so…carried away.” I wasn’t sure of the most appropriate way to put it. “It’s just so easy.”

  “Trust me, I get it,” he whispered. “It’s so easy to just be with you and be around you. But you don’t have to apologize for that, ever. Us being easy isn’t something to ever be sorry about.” Since I couldn’t see his face, I just looked at the stolen shirt I was wearing and listened. “But I do hope you get why I had to stop.”

  I nodded but I forgot he couldn’t see me over the pillows. “I do.”

  “We should just go slow, no matter how hard it may be.”

  “Okay, but can we move like one pillow? I feel like we are talking through jail cells.”

  His hearty laugh filled the room. “Fine, but keep your hands to yourself.” He removed one pillow. Now he looked like a floating head, but it was better than nothing.

  “Thank you,” I laughed, enjoying this view much better.

  We sat on our separate sides of the couch, enjoying the silence but staying focused on each other. I enjoyed being around him so much. He seemed to make everything comfortable and just plain easy.

  “Can I ask you something?” I asked.

  “Sure.”

  “What was going through your mind when your dad was down here?”

  He sighed heavily as he spoke. “It’s complicated.”

  “I knew something was wrong. I didn’t like the look on your face.” He still didn’t say anything. “He seems nice.”

  “He’s a good guy,” Matt said quietly. I wanted to know what was making him feel like this. “We all have stuff. My dad is just one of those things.”

  I could tell he wasn’t sure whether or not to talk about it. I wanted him to tell me, but I didn’t want to push him. It had to be on his own.

  “My dad dipped out on us,” I admitted. I never talked about my dad, but in that moment, I knew Matt needed to hear it. “He was with my mom for a while, unmarried, and then she got pregnant with Ryan. Mom said that he wasn’t sure he was ready to be a dad, but he tried. He did the best he could. Then she got pregnant with me, and he panicked, didn’t know how he was going to have two kids. Mom was six months pregnant with me when he left.” I didn’t say it like I was heartbroken, I had accepted it a long time ago. I just wanted him to know that no matter what was going on with his family, he wasn’t alone.

  “It was just me, Mom, and Ryan for years, and we liked it that way. Mom dated occasionally, but it never went anywhere. The three of us did just fine. I was ten and a random day my dad showed up. Ryan and I came home from school and there he was. I didn’t know who he was, but Mom told me that it was my dad. I had never had a dad, so I didn’t know what to do or how to act. This person was supposed to be a huge part of my life, you know, and I was just meeting him. It was weird, but I liked it. The dad I didn’t know I had was back and I was excited.”

  “What happened?” Matt asked. His face was so therapeutic I would’ve told him no matter what.

  “He was around for a while. He moved nearby so we got to see him. Ryan loved having him around, and so did I. I told everyone about my dad, it was something I never got to do before. He and my mom got closer and it seemed like everything was going well. Then Mom got pregnant. I was so excited to have a new baby in the house, but Ryan was scared. I remember him telling me to pray that dad would stay. I was ten and I didn’t know what that meant. But I should’ve listened to him. Rhylie was a month old when he left. Haven’t seen him since.”

  “Shit,” Matt muttered under his breath.

  “I was pissed for a while, not understanding why my dad didn’t want to be with us. I was mad at Rhylie for a while too, thinking it was because of her. But I knew nothing that sweet little girl could do would be her fault, it was his. I promised myself that Rhylie would never feel that pain of someone not wanting her. So we rallied, and the four of us is all we ever needed.”

  “Why did you tell me that?” His voice was soft.

  I twirled my fingers around each other, trying to find the perfect words. “We all have stuff, good and bad, right?”

  He smiled back, not his full smile, but a smile, nonetheless. “Yeah, I guess we do.” He removed the entire wall of pillows and scooched over, wrapping his arms around me, and pulling me into his chest. Back to normal.

  Matt held me in his arms for a while. We didn’t talk because there wasn’t anything to say. I wasn’t looking for another make-out session, I just wanted to be near him, and
having that simple form of affection was amazing.

  “What would you like to do today?” he asked.

  “This works for me.”

  “That’s not a bad idea.” I could feel him smiling. “I just want to be with you today, if that’s alright.”

  “That’s more than alright with me.”

  “So, stay in and watch movies?” he proposed.

  “Two conditions.”

  He tried to hide his laughter, but it didn’t work. “Alright, what are they?”

  “No more pillow barriers,” I counted them off on my fingers. “And I need blankets.”

  “I think I can make that happen.” He got up from the couch and went barreling up the stairs. I never wanted my smile to leave my face. I would get it tattooed if it meant I could be this happy forever.

  Matt came back down with the comforter from his bed.

  “What are you doing?” I laughed.

  “You said you wanted a blanket.”

  “You didn’t have to bring the one from your bed.”

  “But it’s the best one.” He draped the blanket over me, letting me tuck my body underneath and inhale his familiar scent again. It was bliss. “By the way, did you make my bed?”

  Blush invaded my face. “No…”

  He laughed greatly. “Sure, you didn’t.”

  He found a movie from a giant bin stored underneath the television and set everything up before going to the kitchen to clean up our breakfast mess. I stared back at the TV, trying to get a clue of what I was about to watch. I waited a few minutes before the menu board of The Social Network came across the screen.

  “You remembered,” I whispered.

  He snuck up behind the couch and whispered in my ear. “We agreed we would watch it together.”

  I tilted my head back to look at his eyes. “Thank you.” He wrapped his hands around my face and kissed me deeply.

  Matt opened the blanket and climbed underneath, wrapping his arms around me and holding me close. I never wanted to leave. We watched the movie, saying our favorite lines together, and making easy conversation about our favorite parts. It was so easy to just lay next to him and talk. I felt bad for any relationship that wasn’t as easy as this.