Scars and Songs (Mad World)

by Christine Zolendz

  Ethan took one look at us and bellowed a throaty laugh. “Hey, Grace. Here to listen to us?”

  She gave him a small nod and a beautiful smile.

  He winked at me and smiled wider, “Thatʼs great. Shane never lets chicks come down here.” There he goes, throwing me under a bus.

  I walked ahead of Grace as she took her coat off and made herself comfortable. I grabbed one of my acoustic guitars and sat myself on the floor. I strummed a chord, debating if I should play the melody that has been haunting my dreams since the first night I met her. “Girls shouldnʼt be allowed down here. I canʼt find my muse if some chick is trying to suck on my neck,” I laughed. “Besides, itʼs Grace. Sheʼs just one of the guys.”

  I wanted to say more. I wanted to tell her the fucked up crazy feelings that she was creating in my head. Instead, I decided I would play her the haunting melody. There was no way she’d understand the notes and the emotions from it, but at least I could get my feelings out to her the only way I could. I closed my eyes and let the notes breathe their sounds, filling the room with my sadness.

  Slow, melancholy notes twirled through the air. So sad and haunting, it almost hurt to play them.

  When I opened my eyes, Grace was kneeling in front of me hugging her arms around her stomach, fists clenched tight. Her features held an anguished expression, her eyes shining and feverish.

  I held her gaze and sang the words, just to her.

  Never thought love would speak my name

  Calling me out from the shadows

  So long I have been hidden

  Beneath the surface, where the darkness flows

  You breathed life into me

  The minute my eyes found yours

  Waking me from my lonely grave

  Leaving footprints along my deserted shores

  I know you’ll never know

  How it feels to me when you say my name

  Or the inferno you create in me

  With your simple flame

  Our eyes held each other’s long after I stopped playing and the air between us was thick with feeling. I knew then, she had to feel something for me, something was just stopping her from taking a chance on me.

  “That was the most intense song I have ever heard, dude! That was crazy! Play that again and lemme find a good beat,” Ethan said.

  “Yea, sure, Ethan,” I answered. I didnʼt look at Grace for the rest of the time. I couldnʼt. I just bared my soul to her and sheʼd never know it was really her I was singing about, never know she was the one who brought me back from being too much like Shane, to give me hope. To want to be a better man.

  Brayden and Alex showed up to practice and soon my mind was fully on my music, my muse sitting in front of me unaware of her spell over me.

  Some time later that day, Grace quietly said goodbye to everyone and headed for the studio door. I offered her a low, “Night, Grace.”

  I watched as she walked away and my chest emptied. I couldnʼt let her go. I jumped after her and caught up with her by the stairs. “Sorry, Grace, I get really involved in there,” I explained.

  “Why would you be sorry? Listening to you guys play was epic. You guys sound even better without all the screaming half-naked girls,” she grinned and bit down on her bottom lip. Holy hell, was she flirting with me?

  My heart leapt at her words and her smile. “Iʼll walk you home,” I offered as I walked with her up the stairs and toward the front door.

  “Thatʼs not necessary, go back to practice,” she said touching my arm lightly.

  I was about to take her hand in mine when an icy chill blew in from the open door.

  “Iʼll walk her home for you,” Tuckerʼs voice called from the door.

  Grace and I both jerked our heads up at the sound of his voice. He was dressed in his work clothes. His briefcase dangled from his shoulder like a womanʼs pocketbook.

  “Thatʼs okay, itʼs only a few blocks,” Grace said.

  “Well, itʼs dark out and a beautiful girl like you should have someone to protect her,” Tucker replied with a slick grin. Fucking Lawyer. “Iʼll get her home, Shane, you can go back to practice.”

  She moved forward and I took that as her way of ending my disagreeing with Tucker. “Great. Thanks Tuck. Night, Grace,” I said walking back down the stairs.

  When I got to the basement, I leaned against the wall of the hallway and bent down; I could barely breathe without her. “Michael? Gabriel? Please, tell me what the hell is going on!” I growled under my breath. “I don’t belong here, this is worse than hell.” Silence answered my prayers. No surprise there. There was no way that I would be able to watch anyone start a relationship with Grace. It would be torture for me to watch Grace fall for anyone. Why was this part of my punishment? Hadn’t I paid my dues in Hell?

  I heard footsteps coming down the stairs quickly. I stood straight up, waiting for one of the archangels to appear in the doorway, ready to explain everything.

  Tucker walked in, all serious. His eyes widened in surprise when he saw me, “Whatʼs wrong with you, dillweed? You just scared the crap out of me. Why are you standing in the hallway?”

  “Whereʼs Grace? I thought you were going to walk her home!” I snapped.

  “Yeah, look, sheʼs fine. I have to practice for the show. I want to blow her away, you know, so I can get her to blow me,” he laughed. I didn’t. “No, Shane, really; I want to impress her with my playing on Friday night. Cʼmon, teach me one of those cool riffs that get you laid every night,” he said opening the studio door.

  Asshole.

  There was no shutting him up for the rest of the night. All he talked about was Grace and how he was taking her on some big extravagant date that Wednesday.

  “What did you say?” I demanded when I finally decided to listen to him.

  Tucker smirked at me. “I am taking Grace on a date Wednesday night, to the hottest, most expensive restaurant in Manhattan.”

  I stood up quick, knocking over my guitar in my haste. “No fucking way.”

  “Yeah. I told you we hooked up. I was supposed to go take her out on Friday, but she couldnʼt wait to go out with me so she moved our date to Wednesday night. Which is cool, because now I can take Alexʼs place on Friday.” He turned and gave Alex a high five. Alex yelped in pain as Tucker whacked his casts with his palm. But, Tucker didnʼt even notice that he hurt Alex, he just kept running his mouth off. “Hey, Alex, how soon do you think Iʼll be scoring the amount of girls you do after I take your spot in the band?”

  Alex tried to cross his casts in front of his chest, “Youʼll never score as many girls as me, youʼre not me. You’re just the WINGMAN, Tucker. You’re such an ass, that you make all of us look like princes.” He got up in Tuckerʼs face, “And what the fuck man? Youʼre taking out Grace, why the fuck are you talking about bagging other chicks? Damn man, if I had even a slight chance with that girl, Iʼd leave all the others behind.”

  Alex walked away and stood beside me. The rest of us just glared at Tucker, probably all agreeing with what Alex had just said.

  “How much did you pay her to go out with you?” Ethan muttered.

  “Shut up, dick,” Tucker replied. He looked at me deadpan, “Shit, man. Her fucking lips were amazing.”

  Her LIPS were amazing? He KISSED her? I can’t breathe.

  I glowered at him. “Iʼm done practicing. Iʼm out of here.” I walked to the door and looked back at Tucker who was fumbling with Alexʼs guitar. “Oh, and Tuck, if you hurt her in any way, I swear I will fucking kill you.” I slammed the door behind me.

  I stayed away from everyone for the rest of the night. I seriously thought that if I saw Tucker or heard anything else about him touching Grace’s lips, I might actually kill him. I continued the routine Tuesday too. I spent the day at the Metropolitan Museum of Art staring at the painting The Angel Gabriel Appearing to Zacharias by William Blake, wishing Gabriel would come to me. What the hell was I supposed to do? She chose the ass-rag instead of me. What the
hell could she see in him besides his money? Fuck, I could play the money card too, if I needed. Fuck, what difference did it make? I needed to get her out of my mind and someone else in there. I had to keep reminding myself that the only reason I was so obsessed with her was because she looked so much like Selah. But she wasn’t Selah. The dead don’t come back.

  Ethan sent me a text Tuesday night when I didnʼt come home. Another wonderful attribute of living in Manhattan; you can stay up all night and always have a place to be.

  Ethan: You okay?

  Shane: Wonderful

  Ethan: Where the hell r u?

  Shane: In Hell

  Ethan: ????

  Shane: I’m fine. Just need 2 clear my head.

  Ethan: Does this have to do with Tuck and Grace? Or are you with a girl?

  Shane: Just got to be alone for a while.

  Ethan: You’re not using again, right?

  Shane: NO! I promise you I am not using ANYTHING

  Ethan: You really like her

  Shane: Yeah

  I visited Saint Patrickʼs Cathedral and called on my long ago brothers, but none of the archangels came. Knelt down in a pew, still no one came. I sat down on a bench in Central Park and prayed, none of the archangels came. I went inside each church or temple I could find; still no one came. I hopped from club to club; bar to bar, getting drunker and drunker, nobody showed up then either. I toyed with the idea of jumping in front of a train, you know, just to see if someone came then. I didn’t have the guts.

  Stumbling into my apartment at four oʼclock Wednesday morning, I passed out on my bed. I dreamt about her.

  Ethan knocked on my door at four oʼclock Wednesday afternoon. “Shane, can I come in?”

  I growled at him. “Leave me the hell alone.”

  I felt the bed move when he kicked it. “Damn, Shane! You smell like an open whiskey bottle! Take a shower. Where the fuck have you been?”

  “In every piece of holy ground this island has, looking for God,” I mumbled from under the covers.

  He laughed, thinking I was joking. “Did you find him?”

  “No, I think he quit his day job. Why are you bothering me?”

  Ethan sighed. “Just worried about you, bro. Cʼmon, get up, shower and letʼs go out.” He kicked the bed again before he left.

  I was showered and dressed twenty minutes later, coffee in hand. Grace was a small thought pushed safely in the back of my mind. Ethan and I grabbed something to eat and met up with Conner, Lea and Brayden at Boozerʼs a little after six oʼclock. The absence of Tucker and Grace made me think of every reason in the world why I should be someplace else. What if they ended up coming back here, so he could parade her around like his trophy? The thought of how she might look in the afterglow of having sex with that fuckard made my skin crawl. I needed to wet my dick in someone else and forget about her. Fucking Tucker. And it didn’t help that every time I looked at Lea, she offered me these knowing eyes full of pity.

  Connerʼs phone rang at seven. Even over the people around the table talking, I could hear Alex yelling on the other end of the phone. Conner motioned for everyone to be quiet as he stood up to continue the conversation. A serious expression crossed his face that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. He paced back and forth, eyes wide. “What? Okay, okay. Where are you? No. I donʼt have a clue where he is. Yeah, yeah Iʼll find him. Hang tight.”

  Lea looked curiously at him, “Who was that?”

  “Holy shit! We gotta get Tucker. Alex is in Manhattan Central Booking, he was arrested!”

  You have to be kidding me.

  Of course, Tuckerʼs phone was off. Probably didn’t want to be bothered while he was plowing Grace. Spikes of heat ran across my face and I clenched my fists tight.

  We grabbed a cab and raced down to where Alex was, and sure enough, he was pathetically sitting behinds bars in a cell, surrounded by other people in the same dumbass predicament.

  Alex laughed when he saw us. The officers were kind and let him lean his head on the bars and talk to me, while Conner continued trying to reach Tucker.

  I smiled at him, “What the hell did you do now?”

  “I went to see that chick Cara again tonight. That asshole beat the crap out of her for bringing me home the other night. So I made sure he knew he couldnʼt mess with her anymore. Shane, I couldn’t let him get away with hitting her, it just wasn’t right. I just kicked some of his windows in. I couldn’t do much, I don’t have working arms,” he smiled proudly. “Just get Tucker, heʼll get me out of this mess.”

  I nodded and walked to where the rest of my friends were standing.

  “Brayden, Ethan, you guys stay here with Alex until we find Tucker, or his father.” I looked at Lea, “Give me your cell phone. Iʼm calling Grace.”

  “Donʼt you have a cell phone?” Ethan asked.

  “Yeah, well...since sheʼs on a hot date with Tucker and heʼs not answering his phone. Iʼm thinking that maybe she wouldnʼt be answering any calls from anyone but Lea.”

  Once outside, Lea and I called Grace. Her phone rang once and she answered.

  “Hellllooo,” she sang into the phone. Uh oh, she sounds like sheʼs been drinking.

  “Grace?” I asked as calmly as I could while rage surged through my veins at her.

  “Shane?” She whispered.

  “Whereʼs Tucker? Heʼs not answering his phone? Where are you?” I demanded. Lea yanked her phone out of my hands and she immediately started yelling at Grace. I grabbed the phone back and I could clearly hear the conversation on the other side of the phone between Tucker and Grace.

  “What is wrong with you, Tucker? Give me my phone back!” she screamed.

  “You are embarrassing me!” he snapped.

  “Give me my phone or Iʼll give you something to really be embarrassed about,” she threatened.

  “Hello,” Graceʼs voice calmly echoed in the phone.

  “Grace, are you okay?” I asked. If I heard Tucker say one disrespectful thing to her, I was going to scare the shit out of him with my hands.

  “Whatʼs going on, Shane?” Her voice was soft, no anger in it at all. Shit, my insides turned because she was with another guy.

  “We need Tucker. Alex needs a lawyer. Heʼs in Manhattan Central Booking,” I answered.

  “Oh no, what happened? Oh, forget it, you can tell me later. But, I donʼt think itʼs a good idea that Tucker drives, and you might need to call his father if you want a lawyer who isnʼt drunk,” she said.

  “You have got to be kidding me. Where are you? Iʼll come and get you,” I whispered into the phone.

  “Weʼre eating sushi,” she sighed.

  “Ew,” I groaned.

  “Tell me about it,” she laughed.

  “So where would you be eating this sushi, exactly?” I asked.

  “Just meet us at The Time Warner Center in Columbus Circle.”

  I clicked the phone off. I wanted to get her away from Tucker as quickly as I could; Tucker was a real jackass when he was drunk. I looked over to Conner. “Letʼs get a cab back to Leaʼs. Iʼll take Graceʼs Jeep and go get them. Grace says Tuckerʼs drunk and shouldnʼt drive. Conner, call his dad, because Tucker is going to need help if heʼs as drunk as I think he sounded.”

  We jumped in a taxi and drove back to Leaʼs apartment, all talking over each other and at the same time. When we got to Leaʼs, we ran into the house and we rummaged through Graceʼs room for the keys to her Jeep. The rumpled unmade sheets covering her bed made me insane with jealousy at the thought of any other man that was ever in there with her. Right now, I just needed to get her away from Tucker.

  “Hey, do you think Grace will be pissed at me for driving her Jeep?” I asked Lea.

  “Shane, I think sheʼll be happy that someone is making sure she got home safely,” she said. Tilting her head and walking over to me, she touched my shoulder, “Hey, Shane. Someone like Tucker really isn’t her type. She’s got a lot of…issues with guys, and she doesn’t really
date anybody unless I talk her into it. She’s been…hurt before. I can see the way her going out with Tucker is affecting you…I’m surprised really.”

  “Doesn’t matter. Grace would never go for someone like me, right?” I moved away from her and she held onto my shoulders tighter looking me straight in the eyes.

  “Shane. You want someone like Grace interested in you? Use your words and your actions. Most guys don’t know this, but a woman’s G-spot is in her eyes and ears. If you look in her pants, you’re never going to find it.”

  “You’re pretty awesome, Lea.”

  She moved away from me and continued the search for the keys, “Oh, but Shane, if you make my best friend cry, I will tie your pretty little rock star ass up naked and let the homeless men in Central Park have their way with you.”

  Finding the keys, after a fifteen-minute search, I ran down the street to where the Jeep was parked and opened the door. The sweet wildflower fragrance of her shampoo made my stomach do weird shit. Either I had to go to the bathroom, or I was a grown man with butterflies in my stomach. Let me spell it out, W.U.S.S.

  I started the Jeep, pulled out and turned down Lexington Avenue. I squealed a right turn onto West 57th Street and barreled down until I reached 8th Avenue. I headed toward Columbus circle, rounded the corner and saw Tucker and Grace standing far apart from each other on the sidewalk. I took that as a good sign.

  I pulled the car up onto the curb and slammed in into park. Grace was shivering on the sidewalk, while Tucker was yapping into his cell phone. The one that had been so conveniently shut off the whole entire time we were trying to call him.