My Clarity

by M. Clarke

  Liam practically broke down the door, and seeing us like that, he nearly lost it. I didn’t blame him. I would have, too, but fuck! I had to resist the urge to punch the fucker when he grabbed her by the arm like that. It should’ve been him out here with her to begin with. What the hell did he do? Then I remembered Alex telling me how much she missed him. I wonder who she was talking about?

  After I stood up and glared at Liam when he told me to fuck off, he ran inside, slamming the door behind him. I can’t wait until he finds out I’m Alex’s roommate. I wonder how that will play out? Unless he already knows. Knowing that he would be spending the night, I decided to go home late.

  It was around three in the morning when we were sure no one was too wasted to drive before our group parted ways. Seth ended up driving me home. I was perfectly sober until Alex got me all confused again, so I decided to drink more.

  Turning the knob to the front door as quietly as I could, I saw that the light was on in the living room. Thinking perhaps Alex wasn’t home yet, I thought I’d lay on the sofa since I was so wired. I was shocked to see Alex on the love seat sofa. Holding onto a box of Kleenex, she took up half the space. With her knees bent, she was cradled into a fetus position, fast asleep, and there was no sign of Liam. Did they get into a fight because of what happened?

  Plopping down on the other sofa, my heavy eyelids closed as I wondered why Alex was in so much pain. I debated whether or not to place a light blanket on her, but seeing that it wasn’t cold at all, I didn’t want to disturb her. Just in case she woke up in the middle of the night, I left the light on.

  I don’t know what time it was or how long I had been asleep, but I was awakened by the sound of a horrendous cry. Groggily I sat up to see Alex bawling like she was when I found her outside the bar. I didn’t know what to do. Her eyes were closed and she looked stiff. As her tears continued to fall, she didn’t wipe them. That’s when I knew for sure she was dreaming.

  Taking the Kleenex box out of her hand, I pulled out several tissues from it and wiped her tears. Without thinking clearly, I reached for her. “Alex,” I said, running my fingers through her hair. It felt so soft and smooth. When she didn’t stop, I debated whether to wake her. I didn’t know if that was a good idea. Fuck! What do I do?

  I decided to pick her up and put her in her own bed. That way, she would be more comfortable and sleep as long as she needed. As I held her, I had no idea why I sang the words softly against her ear as I tucked her in bed. “You’ll find nobody else like me.”

  Alex rolled over to her side, snuggling against her pillow. I didn’t know if she was dreaming or if she knew I’d just carried her to her bed. She mumbled, “Thanks, El…e.” A pause. “Love…song.” Then I heard the sweetest sigh. A sound I imagined a girl would make as she thinks about the love of her life.

  Raking my hair back, I chuckled lightly at her words and watched her lay still. Seeing her chest rise and fall into a peaceful sleep was my cue that I was good to go. Secretly, I wanted that sigh to be for me.

  Alexandria

  Liam was mad as hell when he dropped me off at the condo. He’d left his friends at the restaurant so he could take me home first. We had our first big fight in months, and it only intensified when he found out Elijah was my roommate. I reassured him nothing was going on between us. After calming his nerves, he apologized and stuck around for a bit. Knowing I wasn’t going to give him what he wanted when he tried to take off my clothes, he left. He told me he would come next week without his friends.

  Something in the pit of my stomach told me he may be playing the field, but then again, we’d never discussed the seriousness of our relationship. I had no idea what we were besides the fact that he told me many times that we were in a relationship, but not officially, and he wanted to take things slow. I wasn’t sure what he meant by taking things slow, but trying to get into my pants didn’t seem like going slow. I also knew that doing it after a fight was not how I envisioned giving up my virginity. There was no way I was going to give it to someone who didn’t deserve it. I had to be sure. You only lose it once and you sure as hell couldn’t take it back.

  Elijah seemed to be around more the past couple of days. I don’t know if the reason was because school had started, but I enjoyed his company. I didn’t feel so alone. We hadn’t talked about what happened between us that night. Since he never brought it up, I pretended it never happened. Although I couldn’t stop thinking about how sweet he had been, he was definitely a lot sweeter than Liam was these days.

  There were three things I couldn’t forget about that night: Elijah’s voice, how he consoled me when I cried after dreaming about my dad, and how he tucked me into bed. I never mentioned it, nor did I thank him. I didn’t want it to be awkward between us. I felt his arms around me that night when I was coming out of my dream and I froze. I was so shocked at the things he was doing that I didn’t know what to do, so I pretended to be asleep. I didn’t have to pretend much since I really was half-asleep.

  I’m sure it was no big deal to him, but it was a huge deal to me. He touched me in ways I never thought possible in this short amount of time. When he sang those words softly in my ear, as if he wasn’t sure if he wanted me to hear, it tugged at my heart. The more I got to know him, the more I wanted to know everything about him, and the less dangerous he appeared to be.

  Chapter 13

  Elijah

  Whiteboard:

  I have leftover spaghetti.

  Help yourself to some.

  -Alex

  I came in all sweaty with my T-shirt hung around my neck, covering the tattoo by my heart. After my morning class, I went to the gym and then I went for a run. I don’t know how long I ran, but it felt good. It always helped me clear my mind. It also distracted me from wanting to smoke. I had tried quitting a while back. I wasn’t successful the first time around, but I decided to try again. Not that I smoked like crazy; I only did it to help calm my nerves.

  When I stepped into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water, I saw Alex leaning over the counter, reading her textbook and listening to music with her headphones on. She was wiggling her sexy little ass while humming along. The only thing I could focus on was what she was doing with that popsicle stick.

  First, she licked and sucked the tip, then opened her mouth, allowing that pop to slowly glide inside. The pop slid in and out several times. Sometimes she twisted it. When she pulled it out, she licked her bottom lip with one long swipe of her tongue. Fuck! I’ve never been so turned on in my life.

  I couldn’t look away, wishing that was my dick she had her lips wrapped around. Shit! I had to get that thought out of my mind. Seeing her in short shorts, a form fitted tank top, and the way her hair was down on one side didn’t help either. She looked like she was posing for a sexy magazine.

  I was just about to walk away when Alex turned, giving me an innocent smile. That sexy smile managed to crawl into my heart without my consent. She had no idea she just seduced me and made me hard.

  “Hey, Elijah. How long have you been standing here?” She sounded nervous and her cheeks flushed a pretty pink. I could tell she was trying hard not to stare, as her eyes flashed from the floor to my sweaty chest several times. She didn’t give me time to answer. Honestly, I don’t even know if I could have since I was still seeing her playing with that ice pop in my mind.

  “Do you want a popsicle? It’s called a ‘Big Stick’. It’s my favorite.” She showed me hers. “I bought them at the campus market. Did you know there was a mini-mart on campus?”

  “No, thanks. And yes, I knew,” I smiled, gazing at her lips which were now the same color as the popsicle—reddish orange. If she had offered her lips instead, I would have gladly accepted. I would have sucked them until the color disappeared from her lips and tongue, and then some. I was already doing it in my mind anyway.

  “I thought you had a class?” she asked, closing her textbook. Her eyes shifted to my schedule on the fridge.

  “I did.
How’s your schedule?”

  “Good. I had a class this morning.”

  “What’s your major?”

  “I’m undeclared for now.”

  “That’s okay. I was, too, when I was a freshman, but I’m majoring in Economics.”

  “That’s great,” she smiled and looked at her watch. “I better get going. I have to work. See you later,” she said in a hurry and took off to her room.

  Just before she left for work, I told her Seth and Lexy were bringing Chinese takeout for dinner around seven if she wanted to hang out with us. The truth was, I didn’t think about inviting her since she lived here, but Lexy told me to ask.

  I heard three steady knocks and two short ones following after. “Alex, could you get the door? It’s Lexy and Seth,” I shouted from my bedroom. Feeling groggy after just waking up from a short nap, I didn’t have the strength just yet to get the door. When I heard their voices, I knew Alex heard me.

  “Get your sorry ass out here, Ellie. Some of us are starving.” I heard Seth laughing.

  “Ok, Sally,” I scowled, opening my bedroom door.

  The white containers and chopsticks were already laid out on the dining table. Lexy and Alex came out of the kitchen with paper plates and drinks. My eyes went straight to Alex and I couldn’t look away. With a high ponytail, she wore short shorts and a T-shirt that hugged her perfect shape.

  “Hey, sleepy head,” Lexy teased, breaking my observation. “You needed to recharge for tonight?”

  “I’m not on the list tonight, remember?” I narrowed my eyes at her. I never wanted Alex to know what my other job was. Working part time at the Administration office paid the bills, but it was boring as hell. Mostly, I input information on the computer and other miscellaneous stuff. Ever since I realized the necessity for a second job, I discovered not only a thrill, but also a hobby. Besides, it was a great way to make fast cash. It was nothing to be ashamed of, but I’d rather not have it announced to the world or to every new friend I meet.

  Alex looked at me in confusion. I knew she was hoping I would offer an explanation, but she wasn’t getting one.

  “I meant our drinking game, silly.”

  “Oh, then you know the answer. No need to recharge there.”

  After we filled our plates, we sat around the table and started to chow down.

  “Have you heard from Jimmy?” Seth asked, glancing at Alex, and then me. “Did you ask him why he didn’t mention that Alex happened to be a girl?” He looked at Alex again. “Not that it matters, Alex.”

  “He did. He called me to tell me to deal with it.” I craned my neck to Alex. “Not that I have anything against you being my roommate. I called to let him know that he should have told us. That’s all.” I hoped she wasn’t getting the wrong idea.

  “I understand,” Alex said, swallowing. “I left him a message, too. At least you got a call back. He texted me and told me that you’re a great guy. He said you would watch out for me.” She said that last sentence quickly. “But you don’t have to watch over me. I’m not a little girl,” she smiled.

  She was right. She was not a little girl in any curve of her body, but I did feel the need to watch over her. I wasn’t sure if it was because she was Jimmy’s cousin or because she was my roommate.

  “How are your classes?” Lexy asked, stabbing her fork through the broccoli.

  “Great. I got lost a couple of times on campus,” Alex snorted. “I just need to get used to the schedule. I love not having to be at school all day.”

  “How do you like your new job?” Seth asked, shoving chicken in his mouth.

  “I love it. I like working with Lexy.”

  “Don’t let her boss you around.”

  “I don’t boss people around,” Lexi nudged Seth. “I only boss you around ‘cause you act like a child.”

  “I do not,” Seth pouted, and then his eyes sparkled. “Alex, you have an amazing voice.”

  She did, but I never complimented her. “Thanks,” she said shyly, blushing. “But my voice isn’t as amazing as Ellie’s.”

  I couldn’t believe she’d said that. I didn’t like how she was making me feel, so I tried to brush it off. Arrogantly I said, “American Idol thought I was too good for them. There would be no competition if I entered.”

  We had a good laugh after my comment, but I was still blown away by hers. Seth took a sip of his drink and continued with his endless questions. I was curious about Alex too, but I didn’t want to ask. I had Seth for that. He was the nosy one in our group and he wasn’t afraid to ask.

  “How long have you and Liam been going out?”

  “Seth,” Lexy scolded.

  “It’s okay, Lexy,” Alex smiled at her. “I don’t mind. Liam and I went to the same high school. He was a senior and I was a freshman when we first met, but we didn’t hook up until way later. He would come home and visit his family and we ended up getting together at a friend’s party. We started dating several months before my father passed away from lung cancer. He died about three months ago. My father smoked all his life, probably like a pack a day.” Her eyes became glassy. “Liam was there for me then, but it’s difficult when we’re in two different schools with two different schedules, not to mention his internship. I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

  Shit! I wanted a cigarette, but after what she just said, how could I smoke in front of her? It would be a reminder of her father’s death. To make it worse, she told us that it had been only three months. It was no wonder she was crying like that, even in her sleep. He apparently appeared in her dreams. I knew that pain all too well. I’ve been there, felt it, and done that.

  “I know it’s difficult when things don’t work out,” Lexy said. “I’m not trying to be negative or insensitive by saying that it won’t, but there are lots of available guys at our school who would love to take you out,” Lexy winked.

  “Thanks, Lexy. I have to say….” Alex chocked backed her tears. “It’s been really difficult since my dad passed away. I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the day without crying so much. I was really nervous about coming here when I didn’t know anyone, but you guys have been really good to me. You make me feel like I’m part of a family. So, thank you for that. It makes the days bearable.” Her last sentence came out fast as she excused herself to make some phone calls, but I knew she went to the bathroom to wipe her tears.

  The room was quiet after she left. Feeling my heart dive into that same place she felt, I grabbed another bottle of beer out of the fridge.

  “You okay there, Elijah?” Seth asked, knowing why I had to get up. Seth knew about my past and he had always been sensitive about my feelings. He was such a great friend—Lexy and Jimmy, too. I don’t know what I would’ve done without them.

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” I sighed. I meant it this time. Somehow, I was able to push my pain aside. Alex’s wound was raw and fresh. It had been only three months, and yet she was so strong. She was brave to take off on her own like that. I admired her even more after today. Now I understood her a little bit more.

  After I asked Lexy to check up on Alex, Seth and I headed to our destination.

  Chapter 14

  Alexandria

  “You ready to go, Alex?” Lexy asked.

  “You sure I need a sweater?” I asked without answering.

  “The nights are getting colder. Bring one just in case.”

  Lexy had come into my room after I excused myself. I’d left my door slightly ajar, thinking I would head back out after I looked at myself in the mirror to make sure I was presentable. But when I started reading a text from Emma letting me know how much she missed me, I ended up texting her back.

  Emma would occasionally go singing with my dad and me. She let me know that she heard a song that reminded her about the time the three of us sang together; it had me in tears.

  After I explained to Lexy, she held me until I stopped crying. I told myself many times that I had to stop crying in front of others. I d
idn’t want their sympathy. They all had their own problems. I didn’t want to add mine to theirs.

  “I’m ready,” I said, standing in front of her in the kitchen. She told me to get ready while she did the dishes. “Where are Seth and Elijah?”

  “They’re already at the race. We had better hurry. It’s not a big deal, but it’s a little exciting since it’s illegal.”

  “What?” I questioned as my tone went up a notch.

  “Don’t worry. I’ve been there many times.” Lexy tugged my arm, shutting the door behind us. “Just don’t leave my sight and stay close to me.”

  On the way there, Lexy explained to me that street racing was illegal, which I knew. So why on earth would anyone go? I soon found out. Following her steps as quickly as I could, I saw how many people were there this late at night.

  She was right when she told me how thrilling it was. Excitement filled the air seeing such a grand event, especially since this was all new to me. As I walked down the hill and glanced around, I buttoned my cardigan after I got caught in the sudden brisk breeze. Looking up at the dark sky, not a single star graced us tonight, giving me an eerie feeling. I was almost positive this feeling was because it was against the law and a part of me was worried about being here.

  In front of me was a massive empty field. It was nothing but dirt and dead grass, but there were massive circular, florescent markings. I guessed that was where the race would take place. Watching the spectators walking with their warm drinks made me wish I had one, too. Shivering, I cuddled closer to Lexy.

  Looking over my shoulder to see where the commotion was coming from, I saw several guys behind a table taking bets from a line of people. Some people were huddled together drinking beer, and others were snacking while lounging on a picnic blanket, conversing with friends around them. I recognized a few of them from my class.

  I observed several other people as we continued to walk through the crowds. Though they had jackets on, their tattoos stuck out, clearly visible on their necks and their faces. I saw guys with pierced ears, eyebrows, lips, and even a nose or two. They didn’t look friendly at all. Maybe they just didn’t like me staring. Was I that obvious?