The Girl He Used to Love

by Amy Vastine

  “Because I asked him not to take him.”

  Josie sat down. The stunned expression on her round face said it all. “Why would you do that?”

  “Because I can’t run this place without him. What would I do if I lost this farm? How disappointed would my dad be?”

  “Nobody in this town would let you lose the farm. You and Helping Hooves are part of this community. We’d help you.”

  “I can’t rely on the kindness of others. Eventually even the kindest people have to take care of their own. Sawyer and I are responsible for this place, and he wants to walk away without a second thought.”

  He wanted to walk away from Faith without a second thought. All the insecurities that came with being left behind by their mother reared their ugly heads. Sawyer hated her for abandoning them, for thinking Grass Lake and her family weren’t enough. Yet here he was, doing the exact same thing.

  “He won’t be gone forever.”

  “Dean said if he pursued that life, he’d be gone all the time. That the road would become his home.”

  Josie put a hand over Faith’s. “This will always be home, no matter what. Home is where your heart is and Sawyer loves this place. But what if he can do something amazing somewhere else? Can you really sit here and tell me you would deny him the chance to try?”

  Faith’s head hurt almost as much as her heart. She wiped her face, not wanting to cry any more today.

  “I have to get back to the bar, but please don’t do something you’re going to regret the rest of your life—or that’s going to make him resent you for the rest of his.”

  Faith saw Josie out and noticed Sawyer and Scout by the equipment shed. She couldn’t stand that he was this angry with her. He hadn’t bought the lie, but maybe he’d understand the truth.

  He came around the side as she made her way over. He put a hand up to stop her from saying anything as he stomped past her, headed to the field where the horses were grazing today. She followed him even though she knew he didn’t want her to.

  He rounded up Renegade from the pasture and brought him into the barn. Sawyer tied him up in the tack room and gave the horse some fresh hay to keep him occupied while he gathered up his hoof-trimming equipment.

  “We have to talk about this.”

  “No, we don’t, because it’s obvious that you only care about yourself.”

  Sawyer was justified in much of his anger, but Faith didn’t take too kindly to him acting like this was only about her.

  “Maybe I could say the same thing about you,” she shot back. “If either of us is being self-centered, it’s you. I’m thinking about all the horses, all our clients, the volunteers. You only care about you.”

  Sawyer picked up one of Renegade’s legs and secured it between his own. He used the hook knife to clean the hoof off. Sawyer didn’t get mad often, but when he did, he often channeled his frustration into physical labor. Apparently it wasn’t working today. When he was done, he set Renegade’s leg down and glowered at Faith.

  “Maybe it’s about time I thought about me. Dad didn’t ask me if this was what I wanted to do, he just acted like it was expected.”

  “You told Dad you didn’t want to be a therapist, that you preferred taking care of the horses over the people.” Faith petted Renegade’s head to calm him. The horse was picking up on their discord.

  “So college was only an option if I wanted to be a therapist? Some people go to be engineers and accountants, you know. Shoot, some go just to party and be young and wild.”

  “Is that what this is about? You feel like you missed out on being young and wild?” Faith had to step away from the horse. “Welcome to the club, little brother. Do you think I dreamed of being in charge of running this household since I was ten? We both had to grow up fast because Mom bailed.”

  “Well, you got to go off to college and only worry about yourself for four years. You know where I was during that time? Here, doing this. You know where I was during the four years my friends were in college? Here, doing this. The next four? Here, doing this. Next four? Here—” he raise his arms up and motioned around the room “—doing this. This is all I’ve ever been allowed to do, so excuse me for thinking maybe I could try to do something new for the next four years.”

  Sawyer had never complained. In all their years of living on the farm, he’d never been the one who balked at having to get up early or at all the work that had to be done. This was literally the first time Faith had ever heard him question if this life was what he wanted for himself.

  He went back to clipping Renegade’s hoof. The horse kicked, agitated by their argument. Brother and sister set aside their differences momentarily to calm him back down.

  “I didn’t know you felt like that,” Faith said as she distracted the horse with hay.

  “I didn’t know I felt like this, either, until Dean came along,” Sawyer admitted. “He inspired me to dream, but I guess that was stupid because I’m stuck here.”

  Faith never wanted him to feel stuck. This was the kind of work people should do because they loved it, not because it was their only choice.

  “You aren’t stupid.” There was only one stupid Stratton in the barn right now, and it wasn’t Sawyer.

  Sawyer went back to work, using the rasp to file down Renegade’s hoof. Checking and double-checking that he had the entire surface level. He was always so careful and never cut corners. His love for the horses showed in the way he took care of them.

  Faith was at a loss for words. She’d never thought of her brother as unhappy. She didn’t fully believe he was. Wanting more didn’t mean he had a terrible life to begin with.

  “You’re not stuck, either,” she finally added.

  “I know,” Sawyer said, setting the hoof down. “That’s why I’m still leaving. I don’t care if Dean doesn’t want me, I’m going to knock on some doors, find someone who thinks I’m worthy of a shot.”

  Faith took the blow pretty well considering it felt like he’d knocked the wind out of her. Sawyer had made up his mind and nothing she said was going to stop him. She had forced Dean to lie and Sawyer was still leaving. She had lost the two men she loved most in the world in the same day.

  “I called my buddies and got you some backup. Logan said he’ll come by in the mornings and help you muck the stalls. You can call Caleb whenever you need something fixed. He’s pretty handy. They’ll buy you enough time to hire someone or set up a new volunteer schedule.”

  He wasn’t going to be deterred. He’d made plans, set up replacements. Sawyer already had one foot out the door.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  DEAN GOT BACK to Nashville around dinnertime on Monday. His condo felt emptier than usual. The sparse furnishings were nothing like his mother’s overly accessorized, Southern Living–inspired home. The refrigerator was empty, which was completely normal since Dean rarely cooked for himself. It was easier to order in or to go out.

  He indulged in a hot shower in his recently updated bathroom. There were jets and sprayers everywhere, making it more like a massage than a simple washing. It was supposed to help him relax. It wasn’t doing its job.

  He towel-dried his hair as he made his way into his bedroom. His phone alerted him to a text. Landon had been trying to get hold of him all day. Dean had avoided him so far, still not sure how he was going to move Landon off of Sawyer and on to someone else—that mysterious someone else who was yet to be discovered. Dean tapped Ignore on his phone. Explaining the issue with Sawyer was a conversation they needed to have in person in the morning.

  When he finally slipped into bed, he relished in being able to stretch his legs all the way out. The bed he had slept on at his parents’ house wasn’t much better than the couch he’d had to curl up on at Faith’s, but it was still small.

  Faith.

  He sh
ouldn’t have thought her name. Her name alone conjured up all these other images and feelings. He could almost smell the soft, flowery scent of her perfume, and when he closed his eyes, her smile was somehow plastered on the inside of his eyelids.

  It was so unfair that as soon as one obstacle was removed, another fell right in its place. The lies ruined everything. It didn’t feel right, but the alternative would have been worse. Dean wouldn’t have been able to focus on Sawyer’s career, knowing Faith was miserable back in Grass Lake.

  If Faith was happy, Dean would be happy. Eventually.

  As he struggled to slip into a deep sleep, Dean wished they could have been happy together. Maybe Addison really didn’t want them to be together and was still messing with him from the other side.

  “Don’t you want me to be happy?” he asked the ceiling.

  No one answered. Thank goodness. But he hoped Addison still heard him.

  * * *

  GETTING TO THE OFFICE in the morning felt like a complete rat race. Traffic was bad, the line at Starbucks was endless, people scurried along the sidewalks without acknowledging one another with a hello or good morning. Nashville was the complete opposite of Grass Lake.

  Dean arrived at Grace Note Records’ home base a full hour later than he’d intended. The overpriced office space they currently rented was in the perfect location in the heart of the city. Grace Note occupied the upstairs loft of a narrow brownstone. Landon and Dean each had their own office, and there was an open space that housed the front desk and a lounge for musicians to hang out in.

  Dean pushed open the door and was greeted by his assistant. “Good morning! It’s so good to have you back! How was your visit with your family?” Peggy put the P in pep. With her blond curls and cherubic face, she always reminded Dean of a grown-up version of Shirley Temple.

  “It was good, Peggy. My mother says hello.”

  Peggy rested her chin on her hand. “I love your mom.”

  The two of them had met a total of two times when his parents had driven up to the city for visits. Peggy had a way of making friends instantly, without having to put any effort into it.

  “I’ll let her know.” Dean pointed at Landon’s closed door. He still hadn’t decided what he was going to say about giving up Sawyer. “Is he not in yet?”

  “No, he’s here. He’s in there with someone. I’m supposed to tell you to join them once you get settled.”

  “Who’s here?” Dean asked, praying it wasn’t Boone or anyone who worked for Boone. That was a headache Dean did not want to deal with his first day back.

  Landon’s door opened. “I thought I heard your voice. We’ve been waiting for you.”

  Dean’s business partner stepped out of the way so Dean could enter. Seated in front of Landon’s desk was Sawyer. His easy smile might fool someone else, but Dean knew the truth behind it. He was there to make Dean suffer.

  “Sawyer and I were killing time getting to know one another while we waited for you. We didn’t get into any specifics just yet. We wanted you to be here for that.” Landon took his spot behind his desk. Piper’s platinum and gold records hung on the wall to the left.

  “Traffic was a killer this morning. Good to see you, Sawyer,” Dean said through clenched teeth. He set his stuff on the ground.

  Landon was oblivious. “Sawyer tells me you used to work on his family’s horse farm. I’ve been trying to picture you on a horse. It’s been making me laugh all morning.”

  “He’s a decent rider. Of course, the summer he worked there, he spent more time in the hay stall than with the animals,” Sawyer said, getting his dig in.

  “What was he doing—?” Landon started to ask.

  “I’m a little confused,” Dean cut in as he turned toward Sawyer. “I don’t remember telling you we should meet today.”

  Sawyer’s expression changed to one of false surprise. “Did I get the meeting time wrong? I must have misunderstood you. I could have sworn you said come on by first thing tomorrow morning. Landon said he couldn’t reach you yesterday, but he had told you he wanted to get together to talk about our next move. Wasn’t that what you said, Landon?”

  “We didn’t have a meeting time. I didn’t even know Dean was back in town. But I think we’re all on the same page here about getting Sawyer signed to this label as soon as possible.”

  Dean was mad at himself for not getting to Landon first and a tiny bit impressed with Sawyer’s shameless audacity.

  “I apologize for being off the radar yesterday. There are some personal things going on. In fact, do you mind if Sawyer and I step out for a minute? There’s something I need to get off my chest that has nothing to do with this.”

  Landon eyeballed his friend. There would come a day when Dean would have to confess what had really gone down here. “Why don’t I give you two a minute? Sawyer, you want something to drink? Coffee? A Coke?”

  “I’m good, thanks.”

  Landon left the room and Dean shut the door behind him. “What are you doing here?”

  Gone was Sawyer’s pleasant expression. His eyes were narrowed into angry slits. “I was coming to beg you guys to reconsider, and imagine my surprise when your partner, who you said wanted to go in another direction, was happier than a pig in mud that I was here!”

  Being caught in a lie was even worse than having to tell it. “He and I got some wires crossed. Did you tell your sister you were coming here?”

  “My sister,” Sawyer said knowingly. “I am very aware of what my sister did, Dean, and you’re lucky I haven’t lost all respect for you and how you do business. I’ll chalk this up to being head-over-heels for Faith, but this is your one and only free pass.”

  Dean sat down and scrubbed his face with his hands. “I don’t want to hurt her anymore, Sawyer. She needs you, and I don’t want to be the reason you’re not there for her.”

  “You aren’t the reason I left Grass Lake. I am the reason. This is my life. You and Faith don’t get to manipulate what direction it takes. I want this and it doesn’t matter if you sign me or someone else in this town does. I am not going to spend my life on that farm unless I’ve done everything I can to make this work.”

  Dean admired the young man’s tenacity, as well. “So you told her you were leaving? How did that go over?”

  “Not well. But she’s stronger than she thinks she is, and she’s going to be fine. I believe in her even if she doesn’t believe in me.” There was a lot of hurt underneath all that rebellion.

  “Your sister loves you. She did what she did because she’s afraid. And she’s tired of losing people she loves. I was trying to spare her one more loss.”

  “Yeah, well, I think lying was wrong, for the record. You told me you don’t make promises, but I hope you’ll make me one here today. What goes on between you and my sister is separate from what goes on between you and me. That means if I fail at this thing, you can let me go like anyone else. You don’t have to treat me differently because you’re in love with my sister.”

  Dean stiffened at the word love. How could Sawyer know how he felt about Faith? Dean barely understood his feelings. “I can do that. In fact, let’s not talk about your sister at all.”

  “Deal,” Sawyer said, reaching over to shake on it. “For what it’s worth, though, I thought you and Faith could have had something good.”

  “What kind of deal are we making when you break the deal in the very next sentence?”

  Sawyer laughed at himself. “That was it. I had to get that out there and now I’m done. I just want to make music, Music Man.”

  “I can help you with that.”

  * * *

  “THANKS FOR YOUR HELP, Logan. I really appreciate it,” Faith said as she walked her new volunteer to his car. Logan and Sawyer had been friends since kindergarten. Short and stocky, he had always had
a cowlick sticking up on the top of his head. It was cute when he was five. As an adult, it made Faith want to take scissors and cut it off.

  “No problem. I’ll see you tomorrow. Tell Sawyer I better get front-row tickets to all his shows for this.”

  “You deserve that at the very least.”

  With the morning chores done, it was time to start going over the financials and figure out how she could possibly afford to hire someone to do the work Sawyer usually did. Logan wasn’t going to work for imaginary concert tickets forever.

  There had been months Faith and Sawyer weren’t able to pay themselves. She couldn’t have that happen if she was going to bring on a stranger. It would be great if she could hire a speech pathologist and perhaps a social worker like she had mentioned to Dean. Unfortunately there wasn’t nearly enough money for that if she had to replace Sawyer. The daily upkeep of this place was a full-time job.

  The day flew by. Faith made some phone calls and placed a couple Help Wanted ads. The saddle pads needed washing and she cleaned the water troughs. The farm seemed a lot less lively without Sawyer around and the work a bit more tedious. When she finished her afternoon chores, it was so quiet Faith ended up falling asleep in the rocking chair in the front room with Scout at her feet. The poor dog was as lost as Faith without her brother around.

  “Knock, knock.” Josie let herself in. “Do you know what time it is?”

  Faith checked the old clock on the mantel. Freddy was due any minute for his therapy session and the horses were still out to pasture. Faith had never taken a nap in the middle of the day before. Not having Sawyer here was making her lazy.

  “I had Lily grab Winston and bring him in to get ready,” Josie said, easing one worry. “She said he’s the one Freddy likes to ride.”

  “Thanks,” Faith said, nudging Scout out of the way and pulling on her shoes. “I don’t know what happened to me.”

  “You’ve been working too hard, apparently. Kylie went to clean up the turnout paddock. I don’t know if that was what you wanted her to do.”