My Name Is Not Alexa Pearce

by Kerri McLoone

  “Yeah?” I hear her say.

  I open the door all the way and step into the room. Cali is standing next to her bed which has more clothes strewn about it than hanging in the closet behind her. She has a towel wrapped around her body and her hands on her hips scrutinizing her clothing options.

  “Well, I guess that answers my question,” I chuckle.

  Cali finally looks up. “Huh?” she asks.

  “I was going to ask if you wanted to come with Milo and me on our walk, but I think I already know the answer.”

  “Oh,” Cali snickers and adds, “Well I guess I could go like this, but I don’t think that’s socially accepted.” I shake my head no. “You take Dog Man on a nice walk and I’ll shower in the meantime.”

  “Good idea,” I respond. Cali starts rummaging through the clothes on her bed, so I turn to leave her bedroom. I pause and turn back. “Umm, what should I wear tonight?” I ask nervously.

  Cali looks up. It’s obvious she’s about to crack a joke but she stops. I guess how nervous I’m feeling is showing through clear as day.

  “Don’t worry about it just yet,” she says to me gently. “Just take that pup for a good walk, and I’ll help you pick something out after you shower.”

  I nod only slightly reassured. “Right, okay.” I feel so vulnerable right now, this may be the most real Cali has ever seen me.

  I readjust myself and say to her, “Okay, I’m going to take Milo. I’ll be back in like, twenty minutes tops, so we can work on beautifying me then.” I hope the joke will mask my insecurity.

  “Sure.”

  Just like her best friend earlier in the day, Cali gives me a one-word answer. And just like before, it also has meaning. Cali smiles sincerely at me and adds, “I got you.”

  I must’ve heard Cali say that phrase over a dozen times today, but this one is different. She’s not being facetious or playful, she’s completely serious and sincere.

  My brain then scrolls back to an early memory of Cali and myself, us sitting on the roof and me telling her I have trust issues without really elaborating as to why. I remember how accepting she was of that. She’s never been offended by it or forced the issue these last eleven months.

  I realize then that she’s right. She’s there for me, she has my back, she’s proven it time and time again every day that we’ve lived together. She’s got me.

  I know at that moment that I can trust Cali with my secret and I know, as long as I convince her I’m telling the truth and not having a mental breakdown, she would do everything she can to help me.

  I move fully into Cali’s room and make my way around her desk chair, the pile of books next to her bed, and the mound of dirty laundry overflowing from the hamper. Careful not to bump into her easel with her current masterpiece propped on it, I step right up to her and hug her. Cali immediately hugs me back very tightly.

  I’m not one to shy away from physical contact, but I rarely will initiate it. Even with a roommate as snuggly a person as Cali is, she’s always respected my need for personal space. So for me to come to her, it makes her know I mean it.

  “What was that for?” she asks.

  “Just thank you, Cali,” I say. I lean back without completely letting go of her and look her square in the eyes. “I trust you.”

  As soon as I say the words, it feels like some of the oppressive weight pushing down on my shoulders is lifted a bit.

  Cali’s face displays shock and happiness and exultation all at once. “You’re welcome.”

  I can hear in her voice that Cali is touched. I pull back farther to look her straight in the eyes. “I trust you, Cali. I really do.” I tell her again, trying to convey through those few words exactly how much I mean it.

  Cali’s eyes fill with tears, and she pulls me in for another hug. As she hugs me, I feel my own eyes filling with tears. I finally feel like maybe I can let just a few of them fall, but still, I hold them back. She gives me a quick squeeze and then I feel her snuggle into my neck, a very Cali move.

  One of the things my mother put in her note is that once I found what I was looking for, I would need to enlist people to help me. She said I would know them when I found them. Well, I think I finally found one, Mom.

  ● 19 ●

  Milo and I round the corner two blocks away from home, both of us with our heads held high. I gave Milo the casual command as soon as we left the building so I could be in my head.

  I’ve replayed my hug with Cali a few times. Each time becoming more and more sure that trusting Cali is right. It may be a gut feeling, but so far my gut hasn’t steered me wrong.

  My mother was right, I can’t do all of this alone. And I don’t know for sure yet, but I am ninety-nine percent certain — again a gut feeling — that The Book listing I saw on the library archives search and the very thing I’ve been looking for are one and the same. Sunday will tell me for sure, but until then, at the very least I know I can trust Cali.

  What trusting her may mean going forward, I can’t think about right now.

  Milo and I round the next corner and walk four blocks in the opposite direction. I tell him, “Easy Milo,” and as he relaxes out of his casual command, I quiet my mind long enough to allow Milo time to just be a dog on a walk rather than my magical protector.

  I watch him become playful with a young puppy on one of her first walks. The owner apologizes when his little pup starts jumping all over Milo, but I tell him not to worry about it, that Milo is very gentle. Unless, of course, you happen to be a demon, puppy man.

  Milo spends the last block before turning back toward home chasing a page of newspaper blowing down the sidewalk in a breeze, pulling me along with him. Sometimes a dog just needs to be a dog.

  We make the turn onto SW Jefferson and are one block away from our building when something just doesn’t feel right. As I get closer and closer the odd feeling increases, something is just off. But I can’t put my finger on what’s different or if there is a threat and where it could be coming from.

  Then it hits me. The streetlights are out. I scan the rest of the block and it seems the lights are out in only one section.

  Could be nothing, “Alexa.” Or this could be a planned attack set to ambush you. My mind battles between being paranoid and being smart.

  Usually, the streets are very well lit in my neighborhood, and I rarely if ever feel unsafe. But tonight there is about a fifty-foot long stretch leading up to my door that is almost pitch black; the only light coming from passing cars and first-floor windows. It’s spring so it’s is getting darker later, but at 8:30 at night it’s still basically midnight outside.

  I take my phone out of my pocket and turn on the flashlight app. I give Milo his casual command again, just to be on the safe side, and we walk with purposeful strides to the door. Milo never indicates a threat and we make it home in one piece.

  See? Nothing to worry about. I exhale and relax then suddenly stop and remind myself, Right now at least.

  I look down at Milo who is looking up at me slowly wagging his tail just waiting for what’s next. Hmm, I think. Let’s let the boy have some fun.

  “Hey, Milo. Want to race?”

  Again, sometimes a dog just needs to be a dog. But sometimes I just need to be a twenty-three-year-old.

  Milo immediately drops his chest and front paws to the ground leaving his back legs straight and his tail whipping back and forth. Universal dog body language for “let’s play.”

  I unhook his leash from his harness and get myself ready. Milo waits next to me but is clearly becoming impatient. He actually whines and stands to circle me a few times.

  “Ready?” Milo drops his chest back to the ground, eyes locked on me.

  “Go!”

  I take off running up the stairs two at a time. At the top of the first flight, we’re tied. I’m pretty fast, but Milo is faster plus he has the advantage of two extra legs. He flies past me on the landing and reaches the top of the second flight a solid three seconds before me
.

  We’re both panting but I’m the only one who feels the need to put their hands on their knees to catch their breath.

  “Good job, Milo,” I hold out my fist for a pound which my guy dutifully gives me. “Although, I think you cheated. Unfair advantage: extra legs. Let’s see you take one of Mickey’s classes and then walk eight blocks and then...” I inhale deeply “...I want a rematch.”

  Milo has the good sense to flop over onto his back, still panting at my feet, and goad me into giving him a belly rub. I bend to give him a quick rub and then unlock the apartment door.

  He goes immediately to his bowls and laps up all the water that’s there. I pick it up and run the water at the kitchen sink while offering Milo the rest of his pup-cup. He finishes the same time the bowl is done filling. I put down his fresh water and add a scoop of his food in his other bowl.

  I fill a cup of my own with water and drink it all in one go. I put it on the side of the sink and turn around to see Cali coming into the living room wearing only black skinny-jeans and a bra.

  “Oh, good, you’re back. I know exactly what you should wear tonight! I already took it out of your closet and laid it on your bed. Come look!”

  She dashes back down the short hallway and goes into my room. I follow her hoping I like what she chose. I walk into my room and see Cali has put a shirt and jacket on and is sitting on the floor pulling on ankle boots. She stands and I see her completed ensemble: A loose white v-neck t-shirt half-tucked into the black jeans, a bright cerulean blue denim jacket with cuffed sleeves, and black leather ankle boots. Her hair is pulled back into a tight bun accenting her jawline and cheekbones.

  “Oh, I love that jacket,” I tell her. That is a very Cali jacket, I think.

  “Right!? It’s so bright and how great is this color?” She spins in a circle with her arms out, silently asking how she looks.

  “You look hot, kid. Mickey is going to drool when she sees you.”

  “That’s the idea,” Cali wiggles her eyebrows at me. “Just you wait until Moose sees you. Now you get in the shower, we’re already running late.”

  “Yes ma’am,” I reply.

  I grab my towel from the hook behind my door and hurry to the bathroom. I rush through my shower and walk back into my bedroom ten minutes later with my towel wrapped around me. Cali is still in there tweaking my outfit.

  “Okay,” she says. “I think you will look great in this. And better yet I think it’ll make Moose’s jaw drop.”

  She holds up white skinny-jeans, a medium wash denim button-down shirt, a light gray suede jacket, and bright gray Converse sneakers.

  “Where did you find these?” Maybe Cali has some powers of her own, I think to myself.

  Cali rolls her eyes. “The shirt was mine. I got it on clearance online but it was too big, so I gave it to you. Still has the tags on it, by the way.”

  “Oh, yeah, I remember that now.”

  “The pants are yours. We got them at that sale last October? They were like, sixty percent off. That whole white after Labor Day crap. Again though, tags still on.”

  “That I don’t remember at all. The only thing I remember buying is that jacket. And I’ve had those shoes forever. But it looks good all together.”

  “And that’s what counts,” Cali chimes in.

  Cali instructs me to go blow dry my hair while she cuts the tags off the clothes. I jump back into the bathroom and see the blow dryer already plugged in ready to go. Thank you, Cali!

  I flip my hair this way and that making sure I get my thick hair as dry as I possibly can. I go back into my room and kick Cali out so I can have some privacy while I get dressed. Cali grumbles something about hurrying up. When I open the door, Cali is standing there with a flat iron in one hand and my mascara in the other.

  “You’ll be wearing your hair down tonight,” she says. Now it’s my turn to grumble. I rarely wear my hair down and when I do, I end up putting it up anyway.

  She sits me down on the closed toilet with a small mirror so I can put on some mascara. She tells me not to drop the mascara wand on my jeans but drapes a towel over my lap anyway. Cali stands behind me with the straightener, humming while doing my hair.

  Cali finishes and unplugs the flat iron. I stand up to look in the bathroom mirror, and my jaw drops at what I see.

  “Holy shit, kid.” My mascara is perfectly even — first time ever that that’s happened — but my hair is flawless. Cali straightened it just enough so that my normally curly hair is soft and smooth. Plus my zit from yesterday has gone away.

  “I feel like I’m in a shampoo commercial,” I laugh. “I just want to bend over and flip my hair up dramatically.”

  “Don’t you dare,” Cali laughs. “We have maybe ten seconds before they get here. Not enough time to get it like this again.”

  I feel guilty for leaving Milo alone so much today, so I give him a rawhide bone I know he’ll chew on for a few hours. He takes it from me happily and settles underneath the coffee table (his customary chewing spot) and starts gnawing on it immediately.

  Cali and I are standing at a counter in the kitchen gathering our respective keys, phones, and wallets into each of our bags when Cali gets a text from Mickey saying she and Matt are waiting in the lobby.

  “Right on time,” she says.

  I tell Milo to be a good boy as Cali ushers me out of the apartment and closes the door behind us. I practically skip down the first set of stairs, with her a few steps behind.

  I slow my pace on the second flight, so as not to appear too eager. When I get my first glimpse of Matt, I almost miss the last step. He’s wearing a red t-shirt with the Portland Thorns team logo on it under a dark gray canvas jacket, and jeans with red sneakers.

  He looks literally perfect, I think. How does he do that? I greet the two of them as I come off the stairs with a shy, “Hey.”

  Matt’s eyes widen as I come toward him. “Wow. You look really great,” he says, the smile never leaving his face.

  I can feel the blush shoot up my neck and spread over my entire face.

  “Thank you,” I reply with a smile and check over my clothes. When I look back at him, his expression hasn’t changed at all. You look really fucking hot, is what I would like to say back, but instead, I look him in the eyes and add a, “So do you,” as sincerely as I can. His eyes stay locked onto my own and I realize how close we’re standing to each other, but I don’t dare move.

  We’re broken out of our loaded staring match by a loud squeal behind us. Mickey has scooped up Cali and is spinning her around. She stops still holding the shorter woman.

  “Damn, babe,” Mickey says. “Maybe we should just go back upstairs and forget the bar.”

  “Hmm,” Cali responds. “Or...” Cali’s voice trails off as she whispers something into the taller woman’s ear. Mickey closes her eyes and gives the slightest of nods. She kisses her girlfriend then puts her down.

  When Cali’s feet touch the ground again, she steps back to admire her love, nodding approvingly as she looks her up and down from head to toe. The brunette is wearing faded skinny jeans with a black tank top and an olive green leather jacket. Between Cali’s heeled boots and her flat three-stripe sneakers, when Cali steps back in to give Mickey another kiss, they are almost the same height.

  Cali pulls away slightly and takes Mickey’s arm to put it around her shoulders. Her own arm wraps around Mickey’s waist. She looks to Matt and me standing by the door waiting on the two of them. I can feel Matt still looking at me out of the corner of my eye. I fight the urge to look at him and keep my gaze trained at Cali and Mickey.

  Cali’s eyes dart back and forth between us then deliberately land on me. There is mischief swirling in her green eyes.

  “Okay,” she says with a small smirk. “Shall we go?”

  ● 20 ●

  Cali

  Cali takes Mickey’s hand as they exit the building. She takes a quick peek over her shoulder at Alexa and Matt walking less than ten feet beh
ind. Cali watches as her best friend takes hold of her roommate’s hand, she sees the smiles that spread across both of their faces.

  Cali leans in to give Mickey a kiss on the cheek. When the older woman looks at her, she asks, “What did Moose say after class?”

  “Well,” Mickey begins, pausing for a long minute to build suspense. “He’s crazy about her.”

  Cali’s eyes immediately widen and her jaw drops. “I fucking knew it,” she says under her breath.

  “I know!” Mickey exclaims quietly. “I asked him if he planned on asking her out or anything and he said, ‘the next chance I get’.”