Ashes of Life

by Erica Lucke Dean

  I felt myself dangling on the edge of a precipice and fought to keep from jumping into the abyss. “Sometimes sorry just isn’t good enough.” Not after all the damage done. The light turned green, and the car behind us honked. “Just go, Maddie.”

  She lifted her head, and the car lurched forward into the intersection. I glanced to my right in time to see a flash of silver, bearing down on us from the cross street. “Oh my God!”

  Sirens wailed in the distance and voices called my name. Maddie? I said… or I thought. I wasn’t sure. I was so cold. And my head screamed at me. Where am I?

  The whooshing of a heartbeat—not a heartbeat—a monitor, sounded to my right. I blinked my eyes open enough to see a blurry face hovering over me and flashes of light in the space around it before everything went black.

  Chapter 37

  Maddie

  “I’m fine! I don’t need to be in here. I didn’t even get hurt.” A man in a white coat flashed a light in my eyes. He was the third person to do that in a matter of a few minutes. I’d already told them my name, address, and when I’d had my last period. Did they need to know my favorite movie or what kind of ice cream I liked? “Where’s my stepmom? Where’s Alex?”

  “I need you to take off your sweater so I can check out that shoulder.”

  I pulled the bloody sweater over my head and dropped it beside me. “There. Now you can check whatever you want, as soon as you tell me where they took my stepmom.”

  His cold, latex-covered hands glided over the tender skin at my collarbone. “She’s being prepped for surgery.”

  “Surgery? Oh my God. How bad is she hurt?” I tried to climb off the gurney, and Dr. White-coat pushed me back down. “You don’t understand. This is all my fault. I didn’t even see the other car. I need to call someone. Natalie would want to know. And Grey. Oh my God, Grey’s going to freak out. And… And… Is Dr. Hudson here? I need to talk to Dr. Hudson.”

  “I believe he’s gone.” The doctor lifted my arm and slowly bent it at the elbow. “His shift ended a while ago. But if you promise to stay put, I’ll go see if anyone’s seen him.”

  “Fine. But please hurry.” I lay down on the uncomfortable hospital bed and counted the bloodstains on the ceiling, or maybe they were something else. But either way, I found little comfort in my surroundings. My nose burned with the scent of rubbing alcohol and something else that reminded me of the nurse’s office at school.

  Like finding familiar shapes in summer clouds, I tried to pick out images in the stains above me. I’d just discovered a dog when I heard the squish of rubber soles behind me.

  “Maddie?”

  I sat up too quickly and had to lie down again. “Dr. Hudson?”

  “Hey, we’re old friends now. You can call me Ben.” He smiled. “I was just about to go home. What happened? Jesus, you look like you’ve been in an accident.” Ben ran his eyes over my bruised arms before pulling out his stethoscope. I waved it off before he could press the cold metal to my chest. “Does Alex know you’re here?”

  “Didn’t that other doctor tell you?”

  Ben froze mid-motion. His hands gripped his stethoscope as he held it over his head. “Tell me what?”

  “I was driving her car. I didn’t see it. Alex screamed, but—” I choked back a sob.

  “What happened?” He whispered the words as he finally draped the instrument over his neck. “Where is she?”

  “It hit us on her side. There was blood and glass everywhere. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t get her out of the car.”

  “Maddie.” He grabbed my shoulders and gave me a little shake, his face a grim mask. “Where. Is. She?”

  “I think they’re still running tests. It’s really bad. The other doctor said she needed surgery.”

  Ben jerked away from me and turned to sweep back the curtain. “I need to find her.”

  “Wait!” I shot up off the gurney and grabbed his sleeve to keep from falling over. “Please don’t leave me here alone.”

  “Honey, I need to check on Alex, but I promise I’ll come back.”

  “I heard Alex Barrett was brought in a little while ago.” A familiar voice shouted in the hall. “Where is she? I need to see her.”

  I followed on Ben’s heels as he bolted toward the nurse’s station.

  Natalie stood toe to toe with a tall man in a pair of faded blue-green scrubs. “Surgery?” She shrieked. “Is she going to be okay? What about the baby?”

  The tall doctor flinched. “She’s pregnant?”

  Ben froze, and I crashed into him. I knew it. I knew she was hiding something.

  “She’s pregnant?” Ben choked out.

  Natalie spun around to face him. Her mouth hung open, and her hands flew up to cover it. “Oh my God, Ben. I’m so sorry. You weren’t supposed to find out this way.”

  “She’s pregnant?” Ben shook his head as he said the words again.

  Natalie’s eyes filled with tears when she saw me. “Oh, Maddie. Are you okay? Does Grey know you’re here?”

  Grey. “I haven’t had a chance to call him. How did you get here so fast?” I hugged myself as a blast of cold air came through the open ambulance bay doors. I didn’t know what chilled me more: the wind, or the possibility of Alex dying.

  “Oh. One of my customers mentioned seeing a Suburban T-bone a Porsche Cayenne around the corner from the hospital. When I couldn’t get Alex on the phone, I came right over.”

  “She’s pregnant.” Ben’s expression turned hard as he faced the other doctor, who’d been standing there watching the scene in front of him like a tennis match. “Dr. Craig?”

  “Right.” Dr. Craig nodded once then snapped at a nurse at the computer. “We need to get an OB consult right away. And order an ultrasound. Stat. I want monitors on both Mrs. Barrett and the baby.”

  “Who’s the surgeon on call?” Ben asked.

  “Green.”

  “Good. I’ll go talk to her myself.” Ben turned to Natalie as Dr. Craig spun on his heels and took off down the hall. “Why didn’t she tell me?”

  Natalie sighed and glanced at me.

  What was I supposed to say? I had no idea she was keeping something so huge from Ben.

  “She was afraid of how you’d react,” she said.

  “How I’d react?” Ben pushed his hand into his hair and stared down the empty corridor. “Jesus. She knew I was in love with her.”

  “But she also knew she’d pushed you away a million times.” Natalie took Ben’s other hand, and suddenly, mine felt empty. Where was Grey? Had he heard about the accident yet? “She didn’t want you to come back just because of the baby.”

  My heart broke at the devastation in his eyes. Alex had kept the secret from both of us, and I didn’t know how I felt about that any more than he did. Maybe if we’d been closer. Maybe if I hadn’t lied for all those months. But I’d never know that, would I?

  Ben blew out a breath, and I felt every shudder that went through him. “Well, I hope like hell I get a chance to make her feel guilty for leaving me in the dark.”

  “You will.” Natalie pulled Ben into a hug, and I wanted to jump in and make it a group effort. Instead, I watched them from a distance. “In fact, I’ll even help you bitch at her for keeping it a secret.”

  His eyes got glassy, and he ran a hand over his face. “I need to talk to the surgeon. I’ll be back. Take care of Maddie.”

  Take care of Maddie. With everything going on around him, he hadn’t forgotten about me, and I wanted to hug him for real that time. But before I could wrap my arms around him, Ben hurried down the corridor, leaving me with Natalie.

  “Now, how about we get you back into your room and call Grey?” Natalie squeezed my hand. “You’re not exactly dressed for the hallway.”

  I glanced down
at my see-through tank top. “Thank you.”

  Grey rushed into the waiting room, the Michigan State sweatshirt I’d only recently given back to him tucked under his arm. Without a word, he pulled me into the crushing hug I’d been desperate for, but when I winced, he let go. “Oh geez. I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t even think about how much pain you might be in.” Grey took a step back to gape at the black and blue patterns on my exposed skin. “Here.” He pulled his sweatshirt over my head then brought me into another, more gentle hug.

  “I’m so glad you’re here.” I nuzzled my head under his chin and melted into his embrace.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t get here sooner. Mr. Stone confiscated my phone in first, and I didn’t get it back until lunch.”

  “Doesn’t matter. You’re here now.”

  “How’s Alex?”

  I shook my head. “Haven’t heard yet. Ben said he’d come out and tell us as soon as he knows something. I guess she’s still in surgery.”

  “How about you? I can see the bruises, but what about the rest of you? Are you okay?”

  “She needs to be resting.” Natalie put her magazine down and stood. “That was the agreement, right, Maddie? Grey can stay as long as you agree to sit still.”

  I felt the heat climb up my neck. “Right.” I eased into the closest chair, and Grey sat beside me, clutching my hand in both of his. “I’m fine. They discharged me, but apparently, I can’t do anything for a few days. What’s the actual point?”

  Natalie smirked, but I could see the tension rippling on her forehead. “You can rest there next to Grey and wait like the rest of us.”

  “Come on, babe. Natalie knows best. That’s why she’s the boss.” Grey threw his arm over my shoulder and nestled me against him in the uncomfortable hospital chairs.

  “Alex is pregnant.” His shirt muffled my voice as I pressed my cheek against his chest. The idea hadn’t fully sunk in yet, but I couldn’t help replaying the words in my head until it did. After everything else we’d been through, would our relationship survive her losing another baby? And what if she didn’t make it?

  He shifted me in his arms. “Yeah, I figured something was going on, but I didn’t know for sure.”

  “What am I going to do without her?” I huddled closer to him, hoping his warmth would calm my racing heart. “I didn’t want to care about her, you know. I wanted to hate her and blame her for everything wrong in my life. But the truth is, she’s not a bad person. She’s been in as much pain as me. I’ve done some horrible things to her, Grey. How will I ever make it right if she dies?”

  “She won’t die,” he whispered, kissing the top of my head.

  “I hope you’re right. Because she’s the only family I have left.”

  Chapter 38

  Alex

  “Why hasn’t she woken up?” Maddie’s voice cracked.

  “I don’t know. Her body’s healing, but I guess she’s just not ready yet.” Ben. Why did he sound so sad?

  I climbed further out of unconsciousness but couldn’t quite break through the fog. I must have been dreaming. I didn’t know of a reality where Maddie and Ben would be arguing over why I wasn’t awake. And why couldn’t I open my eyes?

  The voices quieted, and I noticed a rhythmic beeping in the background.

  “Is Grey picking you up after school?”

  School? Why isn’t she in school? Where are we? Not home. My bed is much more comfortable than this.

  “He wanted to, but I told him I’m staying until she’s awake.”

  “Sweetie, there’s no way of knowing when that’ll happen. And we already talked about you going home tonight. You need your rest too. And you pinky swore.”

  How long have I been sleeping? I tried to speak but couldn’t find my voice.

  “It’s been over a week. And it’s my fault she’s in here.”

  Not her fault. I pushed against the blackness to say something—to argue with her—but the darkness pushed back. Tell her, Ben. Tell her it’s not her fault.

  “Hey, it’s not your fault. It was an accident.”

  “But if I’d been paying attention. If I hadn’t upset her. If I’d just told the truth from the beginning.”

  “‘What if?’ is a dangerous question.”

  “I just need to her to know how sorry I am.”

  “I’m sure she knows.”

  The bed shifted beside me, and a warm weight rested on my arm. Slim fingers slid between mine. I felt them, and yet no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t squeeze back.

  “Ben?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Is she going to be okay?”

  “Yeah, kiddo. She’ll be fine. Everything will be fine.” I recognized the uncertainty in his voice.

  “And the baby?”

  The baby? He knows?

  “Really good.” Ben’s mood picked up. He sounded almost happy. “He’s perfectly safe in his little bubble.”

  “He?” Maddie giggled. “What if it’s a she?”

  “He, she, doesn’t matter. As long as it’s healthy.”

  “Yeah. I’d like a chance to meet the kid, no matter what.”

  “Hey, I need to do rounds, but I can swing by the cafeteria on my way back if you’re hungry.”

  “No, I’m fine.”

  “Maddie…” Ben used his stern voice. “When’s the last time you ate?”

  “Natalie brought me blueberry muffins for breakfast.”

  Natalie was here? Coffee?

  “That was hours ago. I’ll bring you something.”

  “Just not—”

  “Chicken, I know.”

  A light gust of wind ruffled my hair as if a door had opened then fell shut again. The disquieting beeping filled the silence, and for the first time, I noticed the biting scent of disinfectant burning my nose. It reminded me of Ben.

  Maddie’s small hand clutched mine. “I’m so sorry, Alex. I wish I could take it all back. Dad would be so ashamed of me.” She sniffled, and hot tears dripped onto my skin. “I hope you can forgive me for all the trouble I’ve caused.”

  I struggled to grip her fingers and cursed my broken body for not responding. We were both to blame. I didn’t give you a chance. I wish I could take it all back, too.

  “Alex?” The weight lifted from my arm, and Maddie squeezed my hand. “Can you hear me? If you can, squeeze my hand again.”

  I did it! My eyes wouldn’t open, but I felt my fingers twitch then the pins and needles as the feeling came back in both hands.

  Maddie squealed. “Oh my God! You’re awake? I have to get Ben. Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back.”

  I’ll be here. At least until I can get the rest of me to cooperate.

  I lost track counting the beeps while I waited for someone—anyone—to come back. I curled my fingers around the cotton blanket, making fists in the fabric. My eyelids fluttered as I strained to open them. Then the first pinpricks of light broke through, and the blurred shapes of the room came into view.

  Maddie chattered as she burst back into the room. “I’m telling you, she squeezed my hand. I didn’t imagine it.”

  “Alex?” Ben stepped up to the bed, and I forced myself to focus on his hazy form.

  My throat burned as I tried to answer him.

  “Don’t try to talk. We need to remove the tube first.” He held my hand and turned toward the commotion at the door. “I need help in here.”

  “Can’t you just take it out?” Maddie asked.

  “No, I’m not actually allowed to act in a medical capacity because of our… er, relationship.” Ben stepped out of the room for a minute, and when he came back, another person came with him.

  Maddie hovered over me, her smile spread so wide I thought her face might split in
two.

  Ben shifted until the new person stood beside him. “She’s awake. Has anyone paged Dr. Philips?”

  “She’s on her way. She wants me to go ahead and extubate.”

  “Good. Maddie, can you step out for a few minutes? We need room to work.”

  “Uh, yeah. Sure.” Maddie scooted out, and the door shut behind her.

  “Mrs. Barrett?” The woman leaned into my view, but I couldn’t make out her features. “I’m Julie Wagner, the respiratory tech on call today. Dr. Philips will be in to see you shortly, but first, we need to take care of that tube. I need you to blow out for me. Can you do that?”

  I gave as much of a nod as I could.

  “Okay, good. We’ll go on three, okay? One, two, three.”

  I coughed and sputtered as she wrenched the tube from my throat.

  “Okay, great. Now take a deep breath.” She pressed a stethoscope to my chest. “Good, good. The doctor will be right in to see you.” She patted my hand and left.

  The minute Ms. Wagner left, Maddie stormed back into the room. “I told them you were awake. How are you feeling? Could you hear me talking to you? Natalie said sometimes people in a coma can hear when you talk to them. I’m so freaking sorry for—everything.” Maddie took a breath. “I need to call Grey. And Natalie. And oh my God, your parents will totally freak out. Ben made them go back to the house to sleep. They’ve been here since that first day. Your mom keeps trying to feed me. She’s a shitty cook, no offense. No wonder you’re so thin. Are you going to be okay now?”

  Ben chuckled. “Slow down, kiddo. Alex needs her rest. Go make your calls. I’ll come get you in a few, and we’ll get something to eat.”

  “Right. Sure.” Maddie beamed and bent down to seize me in a bone-crushing hug. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”