Up for Forever

by Heather Young-Nichols

  “Ask Casey. I made sure.”

  Her eyes popped and her mouth formed this surprised ‘O.’ “You had sex with Casey?” She dropped to a whisper due to the three other women standing not far from us.

  “No.” I slapped her shoulder. “But I may have been drunk and kissed her just to double check. Shut up.”

  I hadn’t told her about that because it wasn’t a big deal. It was freshman year. I’d been drinking and wondered what it would be like to kiss a girl. Casey, a very hot lesbian, was happy to oblige. When it was over, she smiled and said, “You’re so hetero.” Whatever. It was college.

  Ava couldn’t meet us until the next morning because of work. Usually they all leave early on Friday but she said there were a couple of hard deadlines she had to stay to take care of. Being the newest she was the last to leave. And she sounded completely happy about that.

  I spent Friday showing Flannery, Jennifer, Linda, and Adele some of my favorite places in the city where I grew up. I didn’t show them our apartment because there wasn’t a chance in hell I was going to risk one of my parents knowing I was in the city. Family time with them was the last thing I needed. Reminders of that reality which ultimately led me to hurting Adam wouldn’t be helpful. Man, I’d successfully not thought about him in a while.

  We went to Central Park but got the hell out as soon as the sun started to set. Thankfully, no one had much desire to see the more touristy stuff like the Empire State Building and things like that. We had dinner at my favorite little restaurant where I spent three nights a week all four years of high school. It hadn’t changed a bit. For a second, I could imagine I was back there being given extras to take home because Pedro, the old Hispanic guy who owned the place, liked to see the smile on my face. I asked about him. The waitress told me he passed away a year ago. I wished I would have known. He was a good guy.

  Saturday morning we were all buzzing with energy. All excited for the long process of finding the perfect wedding dress. We did the breakfast thing but with that many women around there was more talking being done than eating.

  The bridal shop was so bright I wished I’d brought sunglasses. White as far as the eye could see. If I ever got married, I’d never wear white. Maybe a shade of pink, but whatever, that wasn’t going to happen so it didn’t matter. The sales girl, Becca, that had been assigned to us in the salon, smiled a little too widely but otherwise seemed like the perfect person for our little group. She talked to Flannery about the wedding and things she liked about different dresses then went off shopping.

  As she did this Ava arrived, tall, beautiful, red hair in wild curls down her back. The three of us hugged tightly while talking at the same time. Somehow, even though it was a flurry of voices and information, the three of us got caught up pretty quickly. It helped that we shared multiple emails and texts every week with Ava. Not as many phone calls because she worked crazy hours as low man on the totem pole in a New York publishing house. We could’ve gone on like that forever if Becca hadn’t interrupted us.

  Finally, she took Flan, who looked ready to vomit, back to get started.

  She came out in a beautiful dress, far too long for her, strapless with a bejeweled belt wrapping her tiny waist. The dress was great. But it made Flannery look like a float. It was so not her. That thing was eating her alive.

  “Come on,” I rolled me eyes at the mother’s oohing and ahhhing, “we don’t want her to look like a chicken nugget. I mean, more than she already does. Wait, its white … so a Chicklet.”

  I wasn’t being mean and Flannery knew it because she laughed louder than the rest of them then agreed wholeheartedly. The second dress had a high collar, which seemed to be choking the life out of my best friend. So that got sent back. The third was a short one that looked like a party dress so the mother’s vehemently rejected that as not looking like a wedding dress. It was super cute though.

  The fourth one was the one. Flannery came out, the look on her face telling me that I couldn’t object to it even if I wanted to. But I didn’t want to. The dress was the expected white because if anyone “deserved” to wear white it was Flannery. The strapless bodice had a sweetheart neckline with tiny beading that didn’t overwhelm her small frame. A belt wrapped her tiny waist with a large, yet delicate, flower off to the side. The skirt reminded me of a wrap dress the way it hung loose and there was no train. Flannery had said she didn’t want one because of being outside and worrying about grass and dirt.

  “Holy crap, Flannery,” I said, looking over at the mothers, both of whom were dabbing their eyes. I envied her right then. If I had wanted to get married, which I didn’t, my mom wouldn’t come shopping with me. She wouldn’t dab her eyes because of how beautiful I looked in the perfect dress or at the idea that I wasn’t her little girl anymore. I’d never been her little girl.

  “So … yes?” Flannery eyed us all hopefully.

  “Oh my God, yes.”

  “Perfect,” both mothers said at the same time then laughed while linking their arms.

  The bridal people knew what they were doing. They had her measured and changed in record time. It had to be shortened because Flannery had been exposed to some sort of nuclear fallout that stunted her growth when she was fourteen, but she’d brought some decent heels that she planned to wear so it wasn’t as much as it would’ve been if she wore flats. They said she’d have to come back out for a fitting closer to the day but otherwise we were set. Besides, I’d have to come out for a fitting for the bridesmaid’s dress as well. We’d get another trip together before the summer was over.

  “So, it’s great, right?” Flannery asked once she got out of the dressing room and was back in her street clothes.

  “Jared’s going to regret not being there. He’d have so many inappropriate things to say. It’s really beautiful, Flan,” Ava smiled.

  “Wait,” Flannery’s brows furrowed, “you’re not bringing Jared?” Not that either of us would care because that guy was an asshat, a douche to the highest degree, but Ava saw something in him.

  “Oh, shit,” Ava muttered. “Yeah, I guess I forgot to tell you. We broke up.”

  “What?” We both cried at the same time, causing a whole mess of eyes to jump right to us sharply.

  Now, Jared and Ava broke up and got back together more than anyone I’d ever heard of. It was like a daily soap opera during college. But they’d been pretty steady since the start of our senior year. They seemed to get it together and for whatever reason, they worked. So, it had to be temporary. Just another hiccup in what would become a funny story to tell at parties.

  “Yeah,” Ava sighed, “and this time it’s final.”

  “Sure it is.” I didn’t believe that one for a second.

  “No, it is. Turns out when we came out here over spring break to interview and all that, he hooked up with some random girl. Oh, and apparently, she got pregnant because he’s an idiot. So … yeah, it’s over.” Ava didn’t sound sad. Her voice was more … resigned to her current situation. This just proved exactly what I always thought. Guys will cheat. They think with their dicks and don’t give a shit who it hurts. I hope Cain never does that to Flannery, but I already have a perfect revenge planned in case he does. Flannery tried to tell me once, using Cain’s parents as the example, that not all guys are like that. My response? We don’t know what happens in the Dorsey’s private life.

  Because we don’t. Paul could have a hundred women on the side. How would we know? No. It was safer just to steer clear.

  Chapter Twelve

  “What?” Flannery stared at Ava, her mouth gaping open just a little.

  “Yeah,” she sighed. “He cheated on me. Whatever. It happens.” Which was what I always said.

  “But he got the girl pregnant?” I asked. Even I, the one who believed shit like this was how it went couldn’t believe Jared had done that. Especially over Spring Break. They came back from their trip all happy. I guess we all knew why he was happy anyway.

  “Apparently al
l our years of condom use slipped his mind. Look, it’s fine. I’ve grieved. Now, let’s find some awesome bridesmaids dresses.” Ava smiled. Like a real smile that said “Sure it hurts but I’ll live and I’m happy.” None of us had ever really liked Jared anyway … hell, Ava and I had barely gotten along until Flan went through all that shit second year. That’s when a real friendship had formed between her and me because of our mutual concern for Flannery.

  “When did you find out?” Flannery asked quietly.

  “A few weeks ago. Apparently, she called him before graduation but he didn’t tell me until after we were here. Look, can we change the subject?” Her eyes pleaded with us. “I’ll tell you everything but I’d rather just shop right now.”

  Flannery and I could only nod. I noticed the mothers and Becca had disappeared giving us a little bubble of privacy. I was grateful for Ava’s sake.

  To my knowledge, Adam never even looked at other girls with any serious intention other than to admire from afar the way every guy with a pulse did and we’d never once even talked about being exclusive. Ava and Jared were so exclusive that sometimes they didn’t even see other people when they were broken up. For me and Adam, it was like a silent agreement that we didn’t need to acknowledge. I had opportunity and I’m sure he had too.

  If we were just hanging out, he wouldn’t do that to me, but Ava and Jared were practically married. What did it say about me that I’d thrown him away? Holy fuck, we weren’t just hanging out, even I couldn’t hide behind that anymore. I said it all the time but deep down I knew we were together. I couldn’t go out with other guys because it would’ve crushed Adam. Not to mention I didn’t want to. There was zero desire there. And I once threatened to cut a girl (joking of course) because she was talking to him. Talking! Who did that with someone they were just hooking up with? Friends with Benefits didn’t do that sort of thing either.

  Had I really been lying to myself for over two years about how I felt about Adam? Had I been lying to him? He said he loved me, quite a few times. He stopped because I told him to. Who does that? Who doesn’t want to be loved?

  Me. I always knew I was a bitch but this took it to a whole other level. So fucked up from all of the crap my parents put me through with their relationship that I couldn’t bring myself to have one with anyone but Flannery and Adam as long as it wasn’t emotionally intimate. Pathetic. I was pathetic.

  And I was alone.

  I got hit by a semi, a plane, another planet, I don’t know. But hit and hit hard.

  A sob came out of my mouth with such force, my body bent in half until I was on my knees on the floor. I prayed for a seizure or some other malady to take me over to hide me from the embarrassment of what was happening. Because I had no control whatsoever. And no idea what the hell was going on.

  “Oh my God,” I sobbed again. And again and again and again. It was loud and it was unattractive. The hand I kept clasped over my mouth to hold in every weird sound I was making did absolutely nothing. There was nothing I could do to make anything better.

  “Kendra, are you all right?” Flannery’s hands were on my back right away, rubbing in a circular motion that I thought was meant to be comforting. It wasn’t and I couldn’t answer her. “Ava, help me get her outside.” They sounded like they were on the other side of a thick glass window. Talking to me, I could hear them but I couldn’t understand the actual words.

  “What did I do?” I cried so weakly I’m pretty sure they didn’t even hear me. “What did I do?”

  Another set of hands lifted me and it was as if someone else was playing puppet master and I was the marionette. My feet moved but I didn’t tell them to. Tears flowed freely from my eyes the way they never had before. I’d learned early on that crying was a weakness. Only to be done in private and only when absolutely necessary. Not in the very public venue of a busy New York wedding dress salon with people staring at me as if I’d run through naked.

  That semi I got hit with came in the form of the realization that I’d pushed Adam away for no good reason except that I expected him to be like all the other men I’d ever known. And he wasn’t. He … just wasn’t.

  “What did I do?” I cried hysterically to the sky once we were on the sidewalk. I had to move, my skin was crawling, I wanted to tear it off my bones, but instead, I headed to the left then turned around. Back and forth. Pacing. I was pacing the streets of New York for God and everyone to see. The blaring horns of the taxis blended into the loud hums of the engines. “What did I do, Flannery?” I yelled.

  “What’s going on?” Ava put those blue eyes on me without judgment. She looked scared though. Concerned.

  “She broke up with Adam.”

  “Why?” Her eyes were wide with complete and utter disbelief.

  “Because I’m a fucking idiot. What did I do?” Sliding down the side of a building until my butt smacked the pavement, I sunk my hands into my hair pulling it tightly around my fingers.

  “We can fix this.” Flannery sat beside me. “Everything can be fixed.”

  I shook my head. “He hates me.” My whole body shook as I cried to the point that I could hardly breathe. “He hates me and he should. I’m such a bitch.”

  “Well, that’s true.” Ava threw a small grin with her arms folded under her breasts. It was enough to make Flannery snort and I even gave a sharp laugh. The truth behind it was what made it so funny.

  “Kendra,” she sighed, “if he hated you he wouldn’t be so angry. Remember all the times I thought all hope was lost with Cain but you assured me that as long as he was pissed I still had a chance? I just had to figure out what to do.”

  “It’s not the same.” I cried harder. “You had actual reasons. I’m just horrible.”

  “It is,” she assured me.

  It took a while before I regained my composure. That was a full on melt down right there and I wasn’t sure I could walk back inside with my head held high. At this point, it didn’t matter. Ava assured me that I didn’t look like a drowned raccoon after handing me a tissue from her bag to clean up the mascara mess.

  As we made our way through the multi-door entrance, Ava nudged my hip with hers. “I can’t believe you fell in love with Burger. He must be really good in bed.”

  I couldn’t help the laugh that came out. “He is.”

  In the end, we chose just past knee length dresses because short could be a problem if the day ended up windy, plus Ava and I are tall enough to pull it off. They were in the lightest lilac with a sash at the waist and a halter style strap around our necks. They were beautiful. I had a great time with everyone, even after the implosion, but was completely exhausted, emotionally and physically.

  Linda and Jennifer went out to dinner alone. Ava and Flan wanted me to hang out with them but I needed to be alone and just had to find a nice bed to collapse on.

  Back at the hotel, I knew I’d made the right decision. The giant king sized bed totally swallowed me up. The smell of fresh linen, the crispness of the starch in the sheets … there was something about hotel bedding and it made me want to get completely lost on the firm mattress where no one would find me. So, I did. Even if I tortured myself with every one of my thoughts on Adam. Some that I wasn’t so proud of. Was he dating? Did he rebound already? I didn’t know because no one would tell me anything. Flannery told me a little here and there, but Cain only said things to try to make me feel bad or keep his stupid Bro Code commitments. But then I thought of someone who would. Grabbing my cell out of my purse, I didn’t have to leave the bed; I touched the third name on my favorites list.

  “So, what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?” Sam answered his phone sounding just the way he did when we were all together. A little playful, hardly serious. A lot like home.

  “Hey, Sam. How are things?” I dropped back to lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling.

  “Great. You?”

  “Uh … ” I’d assumed he knew what was going on. Hadn’t thought about the fact that I might have to explain e
verything and that wouldn’t cast me in a good light. Instead, I remained quiet, hoping he’d remember what I didn’t want to tell him. I’d actually been avoiding calling him, communicating pretty much through short texts just so I wouldn’t have to explain anything. Now it was even worse. I crushed Adam just to realize I loved him and the thought still made my stomach hurt.

  “Shit, Kendra, I’m sorry. That was a stupid. How are you holding up?”

  So he did know. “Fine. You know me.”

  “Yeah, I do.” Which meant he heard through whatever I was trying to portray. “I still cannot believe that you two aren’t together. It’s like when Cain and Flannery broke up or some shit.”

  “So no one will tell me anything. I thought maybe I could pry it out of you.”

  “I’m not supposed to discuss Adam with you, Kendra, if that’s what you mean.” I had this image of a round table meeting where the rules were set as to what was acceptable conversation with me. It was kind of funny if you thought about it.

  “I figured.” I sighed. “I just … when I asked Cain he said Adam was doing great. Better than ever and—” My words were cut off by his very loud laughter.

  “Of course he would.” Those words were barely understandable through all the noise. “What else could he tell you? Adam is our friend. Guys can’t talk about how fucked up we are over a girl. Especially to said girl.”

  “Fucked up? What do you mean fucked up?” My stomach started to burn. For the first time I was really allowing myself to see things from Adam’s point of view and it sucked so hard.

  “Oh come on.” He snorted. “You know that man loves you and you set his world on fire. Now all he can do is douse the flames and rebuild.”

  I told him about my meltdown at the bridal shop. The full on moment when I realized that no matter what I tried to tell myself, no matter what lies I chose, I loved that man, too. Sex was easy. That’s why I tried to keep him pigeonholed there as if that’s all our relationship was besides friendship. But it took Jared cheating on Ava for me to see I’d actually wanted what we had all along. Even if it still scared the shit out of me and it was too late to have it.