Deja You

by Sandoval, Lynda

  “Why does this feel so good?”

  “Because it’s right,” he said, nibbling at her bottom lip. “Because it’s time you stopped fighting me so hard.”

  She kissed him this time, throwing every bit of her pent-up sexual tension into the kiss. When they broke apart, they both breathed heavily. “I’m not fighting you, Nate. I’m scared.”

  “I know, babe.”

  She rested her head on his shoulder. “You’re so good to me.”

  “Then let me be.”

  A protest lit on her lips. She bit it back. “We should get the pizzas.”

  “I don’t want to leave you.”

  She sighed. “I don’t want you to leave me.”

  He pulled her closer. “Screw it. We can let my family starve. I don’t mind.”

  She laughed, the intense moment broken. “Oh, be quiet. They’re my guests. Our guests. I won’t let them starve in my own house.”

  He released a put-upon sigh. “Fine, fine. Pizzas it is.” He pulled away, but kept hold of her hand. “Know this. I want you, Erin. You and our baby. I’m not going to lie about it anymore.”

  She searched his eyes for several long moments, then squeezed his hand. “I’m working on it, Nate, but I’m not quite ready. And I don’t know what to do to get ready. You deserve better than always having to wait.”

  “I don’t want better. Better doesn’t exist. I want you. Besides—” he pulled away before she could protest “—I’m more than willing to bide my time. You, sweet one, are more than worth the wait.”

  Chapter 13

  For two days straight, Erin and Nate focused solely on his family. They showed them around town, introduced them to their friends. Mostly, though, they spent time at her house just talking and laughing, getting to know each other. None of them let Erin do a single task in her supposed capacity of hostess.

  Piper, Erin quickly learned, was an avid—okay, obsessed—knitter. No matter where they went, the woman always had her needles clickity-clacking. She’d finished a veritable motherlode of absolutely darling booties and caps and sweaters for the baby already, in every color of the rainbow, and she showed no signs of letting up.

  But she was running low on yarn.

  Catastrophe for a knitting addict like her.

  The third day, Erin woke up exhausted, her back aching and her head pounding. She didn’t want to spoil the Walkers’ visit, so she begged off a planned road trip into Denver, assuring them she just needed to catch up on sleep and she’d be good as new when they returned that evening. She equipped Nate with the addresses of and directions to three great knitting shops in the metro area—The Recycled Lamb, Showers of Flowers and Simplicity—then shuffled the whole family out the door, demanding they have enough fun to share with her later.

  Not thirty minutes after they’d left, she’d fallen into a fitful, restless sleep.

  A few hours into her nap, she became half-aware of a sense that someone was standing in her room, right at the end of her bed. Finn hadn’t roused to attack an intruder—a good sign. She felt so groggy, she didn’t have the sense to feel afraid.

  Still, she opened her eyes to see who was there, more out of curiosity than anything.

  She sucked a breath.

  “K-Kevin?” Her heart hammered in her chest.

  No. Couldn’t be.

  Kevin was dead.

  He’d been gone for more than ten years.

  A hallucination.

  She squeezed her eyes closed, then opened them again, slowly.

  He still stood there. Incongruous in the bedroom of her adult home, but on the other hand, so normal. Close, but distant. He wore his Troublesome Gulch letter jacket and looked just as he always had. Sweet, alive, loving.

  Young.

  It had to be a dream or a hallucination.

  She’d aged. He hadn’t.

  He looked just as he had before he’d died.

  Still, she wanted him there.

  Terrified he’d disappear without warning, she eased into a sitting position slowly. “Kevin?” she whispered.

  Why wasn’t he talking?

  “Say something,” she demanded, urgency seizing her in a way it never had before. Tears filled her eyes and spilled over. “Please say something to me.”

  Nothing. But he reached out a hand.

  She edged to the end of the bed and sat back on her knees, sobbing full force. She reached toward his hand, but felt…nothing. “Oh, God. Kev, why are you here now? When you’re not really here? Why?”

  “Let me go,” she heard him whisper.

  She reeled back as though she’d been punched. Had she imagined those words?

  “Let me go,” she heard again.

  “How?” She wadded fistfuls of the quilt in her hands. “Tell me how, Kevin, and I will. I know I need to. It’s been so long, and I haven’t really been living, but you don’t get it. You were the love of my life.”

  “I get it.”

  She gulped several times. “I have so much I want to say to you. So much I never got to say. I feel angry and sad and cheated.”

  “Say it.”

  “But you’re not real!” she yelled in frustration, then felt an immediate stab of remorse. “I mean, you’re real in here.” She touched her chest, just over her heart. “I will always love you. But you’re not real on this earth anymore. I can’t be with you.”

  He didn’t move, didn’t speak, just smiled.

  Everything about him seemed serene.

  In contrast, she sobbed harder, and the baby kicked, pulling her into her current reality. She laid her palm against her belly, then blinked up at the spectre of the young man she’d thought she would spend the rest of her life with. Surely he couldn’t miss the huge bulge.

  “I’m having a baby, Kev.” She swallowed thickly. This felt so weird. “With a great guy. Nate. You’d like him, I think.”

  He smiled. Nodded. “I like him.”

  “God, Kev, I can’t believe I’m saying this to you, but I think I’m in love with him. No—” She held out a hand, knowing she couldn’t lie anymore. Not to herself, and definitely not to Kevin. “I am in love with him.”

  He nodded.

  “I’m so sorry,” she whispered, her words wavering. “I never meant to betray you.”

  “There’s no betrayal.”

  “Do you hate me?” she pleaded, through ever-increasing sobs.

  “I love you,” he said, simply.

  The pain lanced through her. “I love you, too. I always will. But I love Nate, too. And I don’t know what to do. C-can you understand that?”

  “Yes. So, let me go. Be happy. Please…”

  She jammed shaky fingers into her hair, frustrated for the unfairness of it all. “But I was supposed to have your baby, Kevin.”

  “No. You weren’t.”

  Her eyes bugged. What? How could he say that?

  “D-don’t you remember our baby?”

  “Of course I do. You don’t understand. There’s a grand plan.” He paused. “I’m with her. Our baby. She was for me. Not you.”

  “Oh, God,” Erin keened, clutching at the front of her T-shirt.

  “She’s beautiful. Happy, too. Don’t worry about us.” He smiled, gesturing toward her belly. “You’re supposed to have this baby. With Nate. Please, Er-bear, let us go. It’s time.”

  He started to fade, and panic set in.

  “Wait!” she yelled, scrambling to her knees. “What if I can’t, Kev? I—I don’t know how—”

  “You know,” he said, with quiet confidence. “It’s inside you. Stop hiding.” He faded further.

  “Kevin!” she sobbed. “Kevin, please, wait!”

  But he didn’t.

  The last vision she had was of him blowing her a kiss that she actually felt like small wings against her cheek.

  A baby girl. She’d lost a baby girl. Bereft, she couldn’t even revel in a sense of peace that the little angel was with her daddy in heaven, loved and cared for.

&
nbsp; She fell onto her side, curled protectively around the baby in her womb and wept. She wept until she didn’t have a drop of moisture left in her body, it seemed, then fell into a deadweight, dreamless sleep.

  When she jolted awake, late-afternoon sunshine slanted through her windows. Strangely rejuvenated, she glanced around the room—just as it had been when she’d fallen asleep that morning.

  Had the whole thing been a dream?

  It had to have been.

  The fetus she’d lost was too small to discern gender—they’d told her that at the hospital. A girl? How could anyone know?

  But, it had felt so real.

  And everything she’d said to Kevin felt real, too, she realized, a sort of zen calm settling over her. She loved Nate. She wanted to be whole for him, to be with him, and finally, she had an idea of what she needed to do to gain some closure.

  Time to stop hiding, and this would be step one.

  After showering quickly, she dressed, fed Finn, and scribbled a note for Nate.

  Running errands, back soon. Don’t worry. She hesitated, then added, Love, Erin.

  The thirty-mile drive to nearby White Peaks didn’t take her too long. Kevin’s parents had moved there after the prom night accident that stole their only son. They couldn’t face living in Troublesome Gulch without him, and she could hardly blame them.

  She arrived at their cedar-sided bungalow right about 7:00 p.m., glad they’d be done with dinner. God knew, she wouldn’t be able to swallow a single bite if they offered her a meal.

  Anxiety rose and fell within her, like a runaway cart on a roller coaster. She hadn’t spoken to Kevin’s parents since last Christmas. Sadly, after years of family-like contact, it had come to that…a phone call each Christmas, probably to avoid pain on both sides. And yet, she realized she really wanted them to know about her baby. More than that, to know her baby. Like her, Kevin had been an only child. Their dreams of being grandparents had died on prom night, along with their son.

  None of it was fair.

  Heart in her throat, she pressed the doorbell and stepped back, listening to the chimes. Through the door, she could hear the television. When footsteps approached, she resisted the insane urge to bolt, forget the whole ridiculous idea. Since when had she been afraid of Kevin’s parents?

  The door swung open, and there stood Kevin’s lovely mom, PJ, an expectant smile on her face. Her expression brightened even more.

  “My goodness, Erin!” She started to step forward for a hug, then her gaze dropped to Erin’s belly. Tremulous fingers raised to her lips, tears rose to her eyes, and she whispered, “Oh, honey.”

  “I wanted you to know,” Erin blurted, her words watery and shaky. “I should’ve come much sooner. Please forgive me.”

  “Come here.” The two women dissolved into tears, hugging and rocking each other on the front porch.

  “I loved Kevin,” Erin said, her words muffled against his mother’s shoulder. “I hope you know that.”

  “Of course you did, honey.” She pulled back, laying her palms on Erin’s belly. “But you have to move on. We all do. I’ve worried for so long that you never would, but look at you now.”

  “Yeah. Big and fat.”

  “Beautiful.” PJ laughed through her tears. “He’d be so happy for you, honey. He would. I’m happier for you than I can even say. When are you due?”

  “About three weeks.”

  PJ put her arm around Erin’s shoulders and ushered her in. “I can’t tell you how pleased I am that you came. Better late than never, they say. Marcus!” she called out. “Erin’s here!”

  “Our Erin?” he said, and she could hear the excitement, the welcome, in his tone, and it warmed her. She recognized the sound of the newspaper being set aside, and of the footrest of his favorite green recliner clicking down. Familiar things.

  The house smelled of lemon furniture polish and pine, as their houses always had, even though this one was relatively new. Some things carried though a life, like a safety line to normalcy.

  “Yes,” PJ called to her husband, “and with a big surprise.”

  Marcus Jennings, looking so much the way Erin had always imagined Kevin would in their later days, rounded the corner and stopped dead, taking in the sight. His eyes grew suspiciously bright, and his chin quivered. He opened his arms wide. “Erin DeLuca. You make an absolutely beautiful mama, like we always knew you would. Come here, little one.”

  Feeling like a teenager again, she cried in Marcus’s arms, but the tears cleansed her soul this time rather than weighing on it. “I’m having a baby,” she said, unnecessarily.

  Everyone laughed.

  “Come.” He cradled her against him as though she were a precious thing. “Sit down and tell us all about it. This is a happy day. A happy day, indeed.”

  With the ice broken, their conversation came as easily as it always had prior to the tragedy. She didn’t go into all the embarrassing details, but she did tell them about Nate and his family, about the baby and her pregnancy.

  Finally, she worked up the urge to admit the dream she’d had about Kevin, and what he’d said about the baby granddaughter they’d lost. Of course, no one had known she and Kevin were expecting on prom night, but they all found out in the aftermath. By then, it was the least of anyone’s worries.

  PJ tucked her feet beneath her on the couch as she listened to the story of Erin’s “Kevin dream.”

  “I’m not surprised. Kevin comes to me on a pretty regular basis. Whenever I need him.”

  Erin gaped, unable to speak for a moment. “Why hasn’t he come to me before?”

  PJ smiled, looking so much like Kevin—at peace and serene. “You weren’t ready. Now you are. You’re prepared to heal and move on. Thank the Lord.”

  Erin pondered this, nodding. It really had been a gift, seeing Kevin that way.

  “I knew about the baby girl, too.”

  Erin peered curiously at PJ. “How?”

  “Kevin told me. He calls her Phoenix.”

  A melancholy overtook Erin, but she shook it off. This wasn’t a time to dwell in the past. She looked up at the two people she’d considered a second family since high school. “I wanted to tell you both about the baby…and about Nate. I love him so much.”

  “You didn’t have to wait so long,” Marcus chided.

  She nodded, biting her lip. “I didn’t know how much I needed to tell you until Kevin came to my room. Before that, I’d been floundering. Confused. I couldn’t figure out what I needed.”

  “He’s watched over you this whole time, honey. Every step, and he’ll continue to do so,” PJ said. “But it’s about time you lived your life. Please believe Kevin would’ve wanted that for you—love, life, family. Take advantage of the chance he lost.”

  “I will.”

  “You’re going to be such a good mom.”

  She grimaced. “I’m glad you think so. It’s terrifying.”

  PJ laughed. “You’ll get the hang of it. We all do. That’s just part of it.”

  “Will you bring the baby by?” Marcus asked, in a far-off, wistful tone, his fists in a knot on his lap.

  “That’s the thing.” She looked from one to the other, then leaned forward and took their hands into hers. “Why I came, really.” She paused.

  “What is it, sweetheart?” PJ asked.

  Erin garnered her courage. “I want you to be a part of this baby’s life. A big part. I know you won’t be his or her real grandparents, but I consider you my family and always will.”

  “The feeling’s mutual.”

  “The way I figure it, a child can’t have too many great adults in his life, you know?” She watched them nod, preparing for her next words. “So, please, will you be my baby’s godparents? Will you take an active role in his or her life? If it’s not too much to ask, that is,” she added shyly. “Mom and Dad live farther away now, and Nate’s family is from Las Vegas. Nate travels extensively for his business, and I’m eventually going back to those
twenty-four hour shifts, too. He or she will need a loving place to stay.”

  PJ had begun crying silently.

  “As far as I’m concerned, he can have Grandma and Grandpa DeLuca, Grandma Walker and Nana and Papa Jennings.”

  PJ sniffed. “Oh, Erin. We’d love nothing more. Such a gift in all our lives, this child. And you. Thank you, sweetheart. Thank you.”

  Marcus swallowed convulsively, reining in his emotions. “Is Nate okay with our involvement?”

  She squeezed their hands one final time and released them, smiling. “I haven’t discussed it with him, but I know him well enough to say yes. Definitely. He’s an amazing, selfless man. You’ll love him.”

  “If he loves you, I can’t see how we wouldn’t.” Marcus looked at his wife, grinning. “Time to go baby shopping, Mother. We’ve got some work to do, turning that spare room into a nice nursery and playroom for our godchild.”

  “Yes.” PJ gulped back tears and gratitude, her hands clasped at her chest. “And I can’t wait. Three weeks, goodness, it seems a lifetime now.”

  Erin navigated the quickly darkening roads with extra care, despite her urgency to get home. A lightness of being had overtaken her; she hadn’t felt this free since high school. She could hardly wait to tell Nate everything. That she loved him—heart, mind, body and soul. She wanted to tell him about Kevin coming to her in a dream, about visiting Kevin’s parents, about breaking through her own self-imprisonment and finally—finally—being ready to move forward.

  With him. The man she adored.

  Her back throbbed even more from all the time spent in the car, but she was flying so high on emotion, she didn’t even care.

  Thoughts of the new life that awaited her raced through her brain as the miles rolled beneath her tires. The closer she got, the more excited she became.

  Just on the outskirts of Troublesome Gulch proper, a sudden, blinding pain shot through her abdomen, and she jerked the wheel. By the time she’d identified it as a labor pain, everything moved in slow motion, and she realized it was too late to regain control of the careening car. As a seasoned engineer, she knew this.