Yes, We're Haitian

by Alain Patron

  “Hey, guys!” Broderick tosses his phone across the room.

  “Hey, guys? That’s not a morning buzz-phrase!”

  Picking up his phone, he records thirty different videos before giving it one more try. “The greatest change happens only if our minds are influenced to do something different. My life has been an incredible journey, and it’s always great to be able to share my story and give insight on living in your purpose. I’m inspired to shift our vibrational state of thinking by doing! Having said that, I’m headed to Haiti! This one is for the culture!”

  After uploading the video, Broderick takes his mouse off the charger and books two round-trip flights to Haiti. He then browses Airbnb’s website and reserves a four-bedroom, three-bathroom house in Labadee. Feeling accomplished, Broderick uploads pictures of the house to his Instagram with a caption that reads, “When I was a kid, I told my teacher I want to see the world one day. She told me that’s not likely to happen because I’d be in jail. I was nine-years-old. She’s still teaching, but I’m always learning. Think about it!”

  Junior is mortified at the sight of chaos inside of Monica’s car. “Why is every woman’s car such a mess?”

  “Who are these other women you speak of, and why were you in their cars?”

  “I’m just saying, baby. You got heels, flats, dresses, rolls of toilet paper--what the hell do you need toilet paper in your car? I don’t even want to look in the trunk!”

  “Get in the car & shut up!”

  “You know how to get to Ricardo’s crib?” he asks while inputting the address into the GPS.

  “Why would you ask me if I know how to get there then put the address in?”

  Junior folds his arms and closes his eyes as the navigation system guides Monica to Ricardo’s apartment building.

  “Junior, are you sleeping?”

  “Nope, I’m praying.”

  “Praying for what?”

  “That you drive like you have some sense.”

  When they arrive at Ricardo’s building, Monica looks for parking, but the only space available is between two cars. She prefers to pay to park in a garage, but Junior gets out and parallel parks for her.

  “You did nothing to dispel the stereotypes.”

  “You’re such an asshole.”

  Monica rings Ricardo’s apartment bell.

  “Who…who…who is it?” asks a panting Ricardo.

  “It’s Junior,” replies Monica.

  “This doesn’t sound like Junior!”

  “Just buzz us up, stupid!”

  As they reach the top of the stairs, Ricardo pokes his head out of his apartment and asks, “Why didn’t y’all just take the elevator?” Monica goes to greet Ricardo with a kiss on the cheek but stops herself, “You know what? I don’t know where your face was last night,” and proceeds to give him a fist bump. Junior walks in and does the same, which prompts Ricardo to ask them to keep it down because someone is sleeping in the bedroom.

  “The lesbian’s here?” asks a whispering Junior.

  “You’re dating a lesbian? How’d you pull that off?” asks Monica.

  “You’re asking too many questions,” responds Ricardo. “What’s with the pop up? Why you ain’t call before you pulled up?”

  Junior walks towards the kitchen while Monica examines the apartment for somewhere to sit that hasn’t been contaminated with last night’s sex.

  “What’s going on?” asks Ricardo.

  “I want you to come to Haiti with Broderick & I.” “You’re going to Haiti?”

  “With Broderick!” says Monica, who is flipping through a book she found on the coffee table.

  “We’re going to do a documentary, and it’s the perfect reason for my parents to let me take time off from school.”

  “Wait. You’re going to Haiti to do a documentary with Broderick? This was the plan y’all came up with last night?” asks an unsure Ricardo.

  “I know you don’t like the guy, but you know he’s good at what he does.”

  “I’ll be honest with you…I have no idea what Broderick does. All he does is name-drop celebrities and creep all awkwardly around our family. Something ain’t right with him!”

  “He has his ways about him, but that’s my boy, and I need you out there with me; I’ve never been.”

  “Who came up with the idea?” asks Ricardo.

  “He did.”

  “He’s only going out there to exploit Haitian people. What’s the documentary even about? This shit sounds way too suspect for me. Plus, I have...I have work.”

  “You work from home.”

  “Yea, but I have client meetings, and you know what? Just take Edner Jr. with you. That makes more sense!”

  “That’s not a bad idea, but you’re wrong about Broderick.” says Junior.

  Monica walks over to show them her phone.

  “He already posted about it on Instagram.”

  “See what I’m talking about? I’m never wrong about people!” says Ricardo.

  “Listen to your cousin.”

  “Y’all both wrong!”

  “Are you crazy? Why are you raising your voice in my house? And didn’t I tell you that I have company?” asks Ricardo as he points to the door. “Y’all have to go. Y’all lowered the vibration in my crib, and I can’t have it,” says Ricardo while lighting sage on fire.

  “You sound just like Johanne!” says Junior as a giggle can be heard coming from the bedroom.

  “The lesbian’s awake!” says Monica, who grabs the sage from Ricardo and waves it around as she exits the apartment. Ricardo grabs Junior by the arm as Monica pushes the button calling for the elevator, “Your girl is pissed at you about something.”

  “I think she’s mad because I was drunk last night.”

  “Nah, bro. There’s something else going on. Am I ever wrong about people?”

  “Yea, you’re wrong about Broderick.”

  Ricardo walks back into his apartment to find a naked Johanne sitting on the couch, “You told people you have a lesbian girlfriend?” she asks while laughing.

  “They think I have a bisexual girlfriend who’s cheating on her girlfriend with me.”

  “What other excuses have you been making up? This is riveting!”

  “Who uses words like riveting? I told them I date a woman who doesn’t speak English.”

  “What language does this imaginary woman speak?” she asks as Ricardo helps her get dressed.

  “Nobody ever cares to ask for these details; I just make it up on the spot,” he says before changing the conversation to Junior going to Haiti. “Did you hear the nonsense Junior came over here with?”

  “Apparently, he’s going to Haiti with Broderick, but you can’t go because you have clients.”

  “The truth is...I can’t go without you. I don’t want to be without you.”

  Johanne is taken aback, so she takes a moment to process what she’s hearing. When she gathers her thoughts, her first question is, “So when you said you loved me last night, you meant it?” Ricardo stands up and puts his hands on his head as he paces back & forth. He comes to a full stop in front of Johanne, “I don’t care how your parents feel about us. I only care about how I feel about you. I love you,” he says while wiping tears out of his eyes. Johanne sits in silence. Ricardo tenses up and is about to speak before he’s interrupted by Johanne, “Is that why you told Junior to ask my brother to go to Haiti with him?” Ricardo squints his eyes before answering, “You know what? I’m not even going to lie to you. That’s exactly why I told him that.” Johanne seems impressed but still hasn’t expressed her true feelings for Ricardo.

  “You don’t have anything to say?” he asks.

  “Yea, I’m hungry. You want to get something to eat?”

  Junior has taken over driving duties from Monica, who doesn’t put up a fight. They’re headed to Junior’s parents’ house to break the news to them. Monica is surprisingly quiet in the passenger seat with her arms folded, and her eyes closed.


  “Are you sleeping?” asks Junior.

  “I’m praying.”

  “Praying?”

  “I’m praying I don’t have to smack you upside your head today!”

  The rest of the car ride is silent.

  Junior pulls into his parents’ driveway and begins texting Edner Jr. to ask if he’d come to Haiti.

  “Who are you texting?” asks a visibly annoyed Monica.

  “I was just asking Edner Jr. if he’d come to Haiti with us.”

  “Us who?”

  “Broderick & I.”

  Monica rolls her eyes and knocks on the front door where she’s greeted with a hug from Jean-Claude Sr. who’s in a surprisingly good mood considering the events of the night before.

  “Where were you yesterday? We missed you!” says Jean-Claude Sr.

  “Aww, it’s nice to know my presence is appreciated!” Junior walks into the house and shakes his dad’s hand. “Where’s mommy?” he asks.

  Nadia walks in and hugs Junior.

  “Why didn’t you guys call? I would’ve made food.”

  “Mommy, I need to talk to you guys.”

  “You guys? What is this you guys?” asks Jean-Claude Sr.

  “Dad…I’m serious.”

  “Dad? You must want something.”

  They’re all seated in the living room, but before Junior starts talking, he notices Jean-Claude Sr. is giving his attention to the soccer match on TV. A game Haiti is winning, which would explain his good mood. Junior grabs the remote and turns the television off.

  “I need your full attention.”

  “You’re going to finish school, so whatever this is better be something else.”

  “Stop for a second and listen to me. I’m going to Haiti.”

  His mother covers her mouth and walks over to him to give him a hug. A huge smile comes across his father’s face as he also walks over to give him a hug. “Monica, are you going?” asks Nadia. Before she can answer, Jean-Claude Sr. starts shouting, “You know how many time I try to get you to go to Haiti?” he asks. And yes, he said, “…time,” not “…times,” because Haitians don’t believe in pluralization. The Miami Heat are the Miami Heats, according to Haitian people, and it’s a fact we all must accept.

  “I know, dad. We’re going to Labadee. We leave next week.” His parents assume the “we” he keeps mentioning is himself & Monica.

  Jean-Claude Sr. and Nadia both get on their cell phones and begin spreading the news. Their son is headed to Haiti for the first time! Completely ignoring Junior, they start asking their friends and family members what they’d like him to bring back and what they’d like to ship to Haiti with him. The irony of things being sent to Haiti with Junior isn’t lost on him during this delirium. As children, Haitian kids are threatened with being shipped to Haiti as if they’re cargo in a barrel.

  Junior waves bye to his parents and is trying to make sense of their energy. Monica is already sitting in the car, having bypassed the hysteria in the Michel household. As Junior gets in the car, he receives a phone call from Emmanuel, which he connects to the car’s Bluetooth, “I heard you’re going to Haiti. I’m coming with you!” he says without any hesitation.

  “Why did your parents have to tell me this? You couldn’t call me?”

  “I literally just pulled out their driveway,” says Junior while laughing but abruptly stops as he sees the vexation on Monica’s face.

  “Unc, let me call you back in a little while.”

  “I’m really going with you. I’m not letting you go to Haiti, and you don’t know where to go or what to see.”

  “You just want to go cheat on your wife.”

  “That’s really none of your business,” says Emmanuel before hanging up.

  Turning his attention to Monica, Junior asks, “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Monica gets out of the car and slams the door before motioning to Junior for the keys. “What’s wrong, babe?” asks Junior with concern for his girlfriend’s mood and his own well-being. Junior passes her the keys. His phone rings, and it's Edner Jr.

  “Why is Lord Edner texting me telling me that you’re going to Haiti?”

  “Meet me at Monica’s house.”

  This earns Junior a dirty look from her.

  “What did I do?”

  “Nothing, Jean-Claude.”

  “You just called me Jean-Claude. I know something’s wrong!”

  “I just find it funny how you ask everyone in the world to go to Haiti with you, but don’t ask me. Am I invisible? Even at your parents’ house, you didn’t notice that I walked out and sat in the car during all the commotion. Last night, you didn’t tell me you missed me or that you wished I was at the party. You didn’t even ask me how my day was. And this morning, you dragged me all around town like I’m your mule. Then you invite people to my house without asking me if it’s ok.”

  “I thought you said nothing was wrong?”

  Monica goes to her bedroom and slams the door.

  Scrolling through his phone, Junior sees 12 unread text messages from Broderick. He opens them to read but gets a phone call from Edner Jr., who says he’s outside.

  “You’re going to Haiti to shoot a documentary with Broderick? That’s what the plan was?”

  “Who told you that? Ricardo?”

  “Nah. My sister did.”

  “Your sister? How does she know?”

  “I don’t know, she probably figured it out from Broderick’s Instagram posts. He made a video and everything.”

  “So, are you coming with us or what?”

  “I’m going to go with the ‘or not’ option. And truth be told? It would be best if you didn’t go either. At least not with Broderick.”

  “Whatever, man. Why are we standing out here? Come inside.”

  Junior and Edner Jr. walk to the front door to find it locked.

  “Let me guess…Monica doesn’t want you going either?”

  BRANCHING OUT

  “Or catch me out in Haiti still runnin’ up numbers; If I look into your eyes then I made you a promise…”

  – Rick Ross

  The only thing worse than a person who stands once the plane lands is a person who claps. Then you have people who give a standing ovation. Never be that guy.

  “How long are you going to keep me out here?” asks Junior as he continues knocking on Monica’s front door while begging to be let in. His knocking becomes increasingly violent, with each strike thumping louder than the last.

  “Are you serious right now?” asks Edner Jr. “If she doesn’t want you in her house, leave. Stop making a scene; you look crazy!”

  Junior puts his ear to the door. Edner Jr. has seen enough and pulls Junior by the arm to his car in hopes of de-escalating the situation.

  “Stop grabbing me. Just wait!”

  Monica opens her door and shouts, “You’re just going to leave?”

  Junior walks back inside where Monica gives him a kiss.

  “You people need prayer. Get baptized or something!” hollers Edner Jr. as he gets into his car and drives off.

  “You really do look like the other Monica when you’re angry.”

  “The other Monica who?”

  “The singer.”

  “Oh! She’s a goon…just like me, and don’t you ever forget it!”

  “Alright, let’s relax. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you to come to Haiti with me; I didn’t think you’d want anything to do with it.”

  “You didn’t think is right. It’s the fact you didn’t ask at all. Why would you assume I wouldn’t want to go? I always want to be wherever you are!”

  “What about the time--”

  “Stop bringing up old shit.”

  “You know what’s crazy?” asks Monica.

  “No, but I have a feeling you’re going to tell me.”

  “You still haven’t asked me to come with you.”

  “Monica, do you want to come to Haiti with me?”

  “No, thank you
. I want you to enjoy your boys’ trip. I do appreciate being thought of.”

  Junior sucks his teeth as she gives him a hug. Another lesson learned. Women want to be assured that they’re a priority. Including a woman in your plans will always benefit a man. Using the terms: ours, us, and we are more conducive to being in a relationship than I, me, and mine. Of course, none of this applies when a woman makes plans for herself, but that’s beside the point.

  After reconciling, Monica & Junior spend the day in bed watching movies. She suggests that he makes time for his favorite people before departing for Haiti in a week.

  Monica is unusually quiet because it dawns on her that she’s never spent a day apart from Junior since they’ve met. She begins to wonder if his eagerness about Haiti is more about having time away from her. Junior senses something is off and gives her the reassurance she needs.

  “Babe, I’ll be fine out there. More importantly, we’ll be fine. I know it’s sudden, but the sooner I leave, the sooner I’ll be back, and I won’t even need time off from school.”

  “I know, but I already miss you. And I don’t like the fact you’re going with Broderick; something isn’t right about him.”

  Junior side-eyes her because Monica’s personality changes with the weather.

  “Speaking of the devil,” Monica says with an attitude as she passes Junior his phone because Broderick is calling. He puts it on speaker, “Bro, did you see my texts? I sent you all the details. As a matter of fact, link with me so we can plan this properly.”