Submission is Not Enough Kobo

by Lexi Blake

  He didn’t even think of their son. TJ wasn’t even there in the back of his mind.

  She had to consider that he honestly didn’t want a kid. All this time she’d been thinking that he simply needed time. Her Theo would never reject his baby. Never. He’d joked about it after the condom had broken the night they conceived TJ, but she’d seen it right there in his eyes. He hadn’t been upset by the possibility at all. He hadn’t exactly said it, but she’d known in that moment that he would welcome her accidental pregnancy.

  Now he wouldn’t even acknowledge their son existed.

  She could deal with everything but that. She could handle the memory loss, the mood swings, the fact that he wasn’t the same. All of that could be handled, but she couldn’t be with a man who didn’t love his kid. Hell, when she’d found out Theo was alive, one of her first thoughts had been that TJ wouldn’t have to be an only child. She’d thought about the fact that they might be able to have more beautiful babies, and this time he would be with her.

  What if he could never love their first child?

  Tears blurred her vision. How could he? How could he not see how amazing that kid was?

  Maybe he didn’t want to. She had to face that fact. He couldn’t possibly be interested in being a husband and a father if he was so willing to sacrifice himself without even a word to her. He was willing to walk back into hell but he wouldn’t talk to her about it or allow her to stand by his side. He wouldn’t let her fight for him.

  A pounding sound broke the silence of the room and made her start.

  There was zero question who was standing outside. It would be Theo. He would be here ready to tell her all the reasons he was going to leave her and their son behind. He would explain why he needed to sacrifice himself. He would tell her why he would put himself in a position where he would take the needle again and forget everything he’d remembered.

  She strode to the door and flung it open, ready to get this conversation done.

  He was standing there, still dressed in his gym clothes, sweatpants and sneakers, a tank top that showed off his Greek-god body. Why did he have to be so freaking gorgeous? The very sight of him made her mouth water and her heart soften, but she couldn’t allow what had happened.

  “Go away, Theo. It’s almost time for me to pick up TJ and we both know you don’t want to have anything to do with our child.”

  He paled visibly, but forced his way in the room. “It’s not like that, damn it. Erin, you can’t think I meant anything I said to that woman. Please believe me. I didn’t mean a word of it.”

  Well, she wasn’t stupid. She knew he was lying about getting away from her, but now she worried he wasn’t lying about getting away from his responsibilities. She’d tried her hardest to keep things easy for him, but it still hadn’t worked. He’d held TJ once and then run away as quickly as he could afterward. He’d proven he could want her for sex and submission, but that wasn’t enough. Not even close. At one point, she would have been happy to take it, but he’d taught her what it meant to be truly loved and now she couldn’t settle for less. “It doesn’t matter. You should go. I have to pack.”

  She had no idea where she would go now. She would be alone. It would be the first time she’d truly been a single mom. There was no question that up until now she’d had it better than most in her position. Even though Theo hadn’t been there, she’d had his family and Li and Avery.

  “Erin, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  “And yet you managed to so beautifully.” She sighed. It wasn’t his fault. He hadn’t chosen to forget. They’d had a second chance and it hadn’t worked out. She held a hand up. “I know you didn’t mean anything by it. You’re forgiven. Now go back to Robert and let me figure out what to do for my family.”

  Her heart clenched because this might be the end. How could he be here and still be so fucking far away? He was standing right there and she couldn’t touch him because he didn’t want all of her. TJ was the most important part of her now and she couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t accept him.

  It was an actual ache in her gut that she was giving up, but she wasn’t sure what else to do.

  “Erin, tell me why you’re crying if you believe me. I had to say those things to McDonald.” His voice had gone low, misery in his tone.

  Well, she was pretty miserable, too. “You had to tell her you would sacrifice yourself? She needed to know that?”

  His brows came together. “I was trying to save Hutch.”

  “Hutch sounds pretty comfortable to me.” She had no idea what was going through Hutch’s head and it was something she would think on later. She still wasn’t sure she bought it, but right now all she could think about was Theo. Big Tag had been right to leave her out of whatever plan he was cooking up. She couldn’t be rational. She was in far too deep.

  He started to reach out, but right before he touched her, he pulled his hand back. It fisted at his side. “I don’t know what he’s thinking, but something’s wrong. He wasn’t Hutch. You don’t know what she can do to you. Even without the drugs, she finds her ways. Right now she doesn’t matter.”

  “She matters a lot, Theo, since you’re letting her come between us again.”

  “I’m not letting anything happen,” Theo shot back. “I’m dealing with the situation the best way I can.”

  This was the best way? “By splitting us up for god knows how long? By missing more of your son’s life? Is that what it comes down to? You seemed so damn eager to give yourself up. Are you that desperate to run away from us? Guess what? You don’t have to. I get it. It’s finally through my thick skull. We’ll leave you alone. I’ll take my son and you won’t hear from me again. When this is over and TJ and I are safe, I’ll leave the company.”

  “What? Why would you do that? I told you I didn’t mean anything by what I said. Not a word of it. Not about you. Baby, she’s obsessed and she’ll hurt you. I can’t let that happen. I can’t allow her to lay a hand on you.”

  She snorted. It wasn’t the most ladylike sound, but it summed up her feelings. “Because I’m the poor woman who can’t defend herself.”

  His jaw tightened. “I didn’t say that.”

  “You can’t allow her to lay a hand on me? You don’t allow or disallow anything when it comes to me, Taggart. I’m my own woman and you would be lucky to have me as your bodyguard. Hell, if you had listened to me in the first place, you wouldn’t have fucking died.”

  His face went a lovely shade of red. “Oh, how long have you been waiting to shove that in my face? You think I haven’t read the files? You think I don’t know where I fucked up?”

  She wasn’t sure he did. “Tell me. I would love to know if you’ve learned anything at all.”

  It was there on the outer edges of her consciousness that she should slow down. She should think about what she was saying, but she’d been so careful around him. Every word around Theo had been measured and applied with the strictest discipline, and now it felt good to unleash a little. Kai had told her to view Theo’s situation from an intellectual standpoint when she could since emotion could cause her to lash out where she shouldn’t.

  But why shouldn’t she? He had made mistakes. Why was Theo so above everyone else that he never should hear he’d screwed up? He’d cost them almost two years, cost their son his father. Why shouldn’t she point that out? If they were going down, she would set fire to the rubble.

  Theo stepped in front of her and planted his feet shoulder width apart, his shoulders squaring as if he were staring down a commanding officer. “I should have called back to base. I should have allowed Ian to make the decision as to whether or not we proceeded.”

  At least he understood what the problem had been. “You had no right to make that call. Not when we could have easily had input from base. But you were arrogant.”

  “I’m not arrogant anymore. If you think I have a damn ounce of self-confidence, you’re high. I’ve been taken as low as a man can be so don’t worry I
’m making decisions based on my belief in my abilities. I get it. I’m a screwup. I’m only on the damn team because of Case.”

  She rolled her eyes. Sometimes he was a total drama queen. “Yes, the Navy SEALs accepted you because they couldn’t survive without Case. Ian Taggart is known for risking his team on hard-luck cases.”

  “Everyone knows you should have been the lead.” There was no way to miss the resentment in his voice.

  “And that makes you upset. Don’t want to answer to a woman, do you?”

  A low groan of frustration burst from him and he turned away, stalking back toward the door. “Don’t make me into something I’m not. Shit. I don’t know what the hell I am. Do I resent it that everyone looks at you like the fucking Madonna and I’m some low-ball shit who got a teammate killed and can’t make a decent decision to save his own ass? Yeah. I resent it. I’m sure the amazing god of a man I used to be would never feel anything so human as resentment. Wait, except this whole fight is about how stupid I used to be. Which one is it? God or man? You can’t have it both ways.”

  “You were an arrogant, amazing, wonderful, flawed god of a man, Theo.” Tears pulsed behind her eyes, but she was going to try not to shed them. “You were human, like the rest of us, but you were so good. You made me believe in myself when no one else could.”

  He stopped pacing, looking right at her. “I’m not that man anymore. I can’t believe in myself much less help anyone else.”

  A spark of hope lit through her. He’d been her lifeline. If only he would allow her to return the favor, they might find their way out. “Then let me be the lead now, Theo. Stop pretending like I’m a delicate flower who needs protection. Stay with me. Let’s wait this thing out together and maybe we’ll find a solution. Have you thought about that?”

  He shook his head. “It won’t work. She’ll keep coming. She won’t stop.”

  “Unless we stop her.” Frustration ratcheted through her. “Your real mistake was that you wouldn’t listen to me. You wouldn’t even think about what I said to you. Don’t make the same mistake again. Don’t split us up. Choose me this time. Choose us.”

  “Do you understand that she doesn’t give a damn who I choose? She’ll kill you.”

  “I won’t let her kill me, Theo. And you won’t let her break you. God, you talk about how you aren’t arrogant anymore. I can’t imagine why not. Bring my arrogant Taggart back, please, because he is a badass who never broke no matter what that bitch did to him.”

  A shudder went through him. “I broke. I am so fucking broken nothing can put me back together again. Do you understand that?” He pointed to the scar on his face. “You see this? It’s not going away. It will never fucking go away. Neither will the stain on my soul. Saint Erin thinks she can cure me? I’m incurable. I’m toxic and no amount of fucking me is going to make it better. Do you really think that pussy of yours is so sweet it can fix what’s wrong with me? You’re the arrogant one.”

  She stared at him, her heart aching with every word he’d said. She knew what the old Erin would have done. The old Erin would have popped him hard and not held back. This Erin could do nothing more than stand and manage somehow to keep herself upright because no one in the world could hurt her the way this man could.

  He went still, as though he realized what he’d said. He took a deep breath. “Erin, I shouldn’t have said that. God, baby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

  But somewhere deep in his soul he had. And he was right. There was a piece of him that had changed irrevocably. The time he’d spent with McDonald had altered him, darkening what had been an essentially light soul. She had no doubt given time, he would find some of his light again, but it would take a different woman to bring it back.

  She had to accept the fact that she was no longer the woman for him. Life and tragedy had changed him, turning his needs into something she couldn’t fix. Pain lanced her, making it hard to breathe, but she couldn’t break down in front of him. They’d lost that right with each other. She forced herself to blink back tears and face him. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”

  He shook his head as he took a step toward her, that volcanic anger she’d seen in him seeming to deflate. “I’m sorry I said what I said. Baby, I didn’t mean it. It was awful and I shouldn’t have said it.”

  She held out a hand to stop him from coming closer. “You’re right. I can’t fix anything and I’m only hurting the both of us by pushing as hard as I have. You’ve told me in so many ways that you need space and I won’t give it to you. I’m going to honor your wishes.”

  She would leave and pray he did find the person who could pull him out of the dark place he found himself in, the person who could make him want to be better. She could talk all she liked about fixing him. No one could fix another person. Theo hadn’t fixed her. Theo had loved her so perfectly that she’d begun to see the world through a different lens. Theo had given her a place where she could learn to care about herself in a way she never had before.

  She’d tried to give that to him, but people and needs changed. Even if he hadn’t died and come back, he would have changed. Life was change and any relationship was a delicate balance of staying close to one’s partner while finding one’s self. It didn’t work for many people.

  Who knew what could have happened if that terrible day had a different ending? But she had to deal with the man in front of her, and she was doing nothing but hurting him and not allowing him the space to heal.

  Her soul felt heavy, weighing her down as she stepped forward and looked at the only man she was ever going to love. She might not see him again after today. TJ would be her priority. She would close herself off to all but him and try to make a life for them out in the world. God, his father was still the most beautiful man she’d ever seen and she knew how different she was because she wouldn’t take a second of it back. Not the joy and not the pain. She would live through all of it again because knowing him had been the most important experience of her life. “Be safe out there.”

  She turned and walked to her bedroom, closing the door between them. When she was alone, she finally allowed herself to cry.

  * * * *

  Theo felt like the world had shifted and he found himself in some place he didn’t understand, the landscape and the language utterly foreign to him. He didn’t understand the look on her face.

  Erin was his rock. She had been since that moment in the bar when he’d found her again.

  No. It had been long before that. Long before he’d met her again. Long before he’d seen her face and tried so hard to memorize it in a way that he could never, ever forget again.

  Even when he hadn’t remembered, she’d been there. She’d been a whisper in his conscience to fight what was happening to him. She’d been the bedrock that wouldn’t break, the reason he’d been able to hold out.

  She was the strongest woman he’d ever known and he’d brought her low with a few careless words.

  His anger wasn’t under control. His anger was a never-ending pit waiting to boil over and burn everyone he loved because he wouldn’t admit the truth.

  He still couldn’t because no matter what, he did have to protect her. He wasn’t the man she needed any longer. She deserved someone light and happy, someone who could pull her out of her dark places. All he could do was drag her into his.

  He walked to the door she’d closed between them and put his hand on it as though he could feel her one last time. “Don’t leave the company, Erin. Don’t leave Dallas. I need a new start. There are too many ghosts there. I want you to have everything you need. You…and the boy. I’ll find a job and we can maybe work out something.”

  He would send her everything he had, but she didn’t need to know that. He would keep only what he needed to continue working and she would have everything else. He couldn’t love her like he had, but he could provide for them. For her and TJ. He forced himself to think his son’s name. It was hard. He wished like hell she’d named
him something different because the kid shouldn’t be named after the father who disappointed them all.

  She was silent and he thought about walking away.

  That was when he heard it. A small gasp and then a low sob. Such a faint sound, but then she would attempt to hide all her weaknesses from him now. He wasn’t her man anymore so she wouldn’t give him her pain. She would hold it close and shove it down. It would fester and eat at her, and he didn’t want that.

  He turned the knob, praying she hadn’t locked it. The door opened and he saw her. She was on the bed, her fist pressed to her mouth as though she could keep all that pain in. He’d caused that. He’d hurt her, but that didn’t matter in the moment. All that mattered was that she needed arms around her, needed to understand that she wasn’t alone in this.

  Her body curled in on itself. He easily picked her up and cradled her against his chest.

  Her eyes flared open and for a moment he thought he was going to take one right across the jaw. He prepped himself mentally but what happened was so much worse. She wrapped her arms around his neck and sobbed into his shoulder.

  “I miss you. I miss you so much.” She clung to him.

  He held her tight, sitting down on the bed. He started to tell her he was right here, but with a sinking heart realized she wasn’t talking to him. Not really. She was missing the man who’d loved her so long and so well. The man he’d been.

  “I’m sorry. I would do anything to go back to that moment and change things.” Anything to have not died on her. He was a walking corpse, a shell of his former self.

  She cried harder and he knew somewhere deep inside that she never did this. Almost never. She cried with him because he’d been her safe place. Now she would go back to crying alone or worse, she would hold it all in and be strong, never allowing herself a moment’s weakness because she wouldn’t trust anyone to take care of her. She would raise their child alone, live out her life alone.

  She would mourn him alone.