Twice Loved

by Wendy Lindstrom

  As night settled in, Evelyn’s disappointment mounted. Despite the late hour, she still hoped Kyle would stop on his way home, but she waited on the porch long after her father and Rebecca were in bed, and he still didn’t come. Depressed, she sat in the dark wondering if this is what marriage to Kyle would be like, the constant waiting, the nagging feeling that they were missing something important between them, the worry that a freely given promise might grow into a sentence of imprisonment and regret.

  She was so lost in thought and alone in her solitude, that the sudden flaring of a match startled her. Radford’s eyes glowed momentarily in the firelight as he touched the flame to the end of his cigar. He took the chair opposite her, but minutes passed in silence while they listened to crickets and drifted in the mellow-sweet aroma of his cheroot. The breeze moved a strand of hair against her neck and she brushed it away.

  He started to say something then stopped and blew out a breath.

  “What?” she asked.

  He shook his head as if it was nothing important.

  “You were going to say something.”

  He took the cheroot out of his mouth and stared at the tip until it turned dark then he met her eyes. “You need to stop coddling your father.”

  “What?” she asked, dumbfounded.

  “He’s used to being in control of himself and it hurts his pride when you won’t let him manage on his own. Trust me, when a man loses his physical strength, he feels he’s lost everything.”

  “I’m just trying to keep Papa healthy.”

  “I know, but try not to help when you feel the urge. Remember the suggestions you made about Rebecca needing to laugh, to have a friend? Well, I wanted to think I knew what was best for her, but you were right. She’s much happier now because of you. I’ve learned how to make her laugh by your example. You could see her needs more clearly than I. I know very little about girls, but I know what pride means to a man like your father. Let him make his own way to the table if he can. If he wants to help me in the livery then let him decide what he can handle.”

  “All right, Radford, but under one condition,” Evelyn said. “You have to stay out of my kitchen.”

  “What?”

  “Stay out of my kitchen.” There was absolutely no way she could remain unaffected by Radford if he continued to touch her. Not after the wild kiss they had shared.

  “Why?”

  “Because you might confuse Rebecca,” Evelyn said, giving Radford the first answer that popped into her head. She knew it was a terrible answer. If anyone was going to confuse Rebecca about the duties of womanhood, it would be Evelyn and her men’s clothing.

  “If it’s that important to you, I won’t touch another dishtowel.” He leaned back in his chair and crossed an ankle over his knee. The tip of his cigar glowed then dimmed before he spoke again. “So do you have any suggestions to increase our livery business?”

  “We could sell Gus if we need money.”

  “We don’t,” he said. “I’ve recorded all my entries in your journal. It’s there for Kyle to see anytime he wants to look.”

  “Kyle can be crass sometimes, but I’m sure he meant well.”

  “How well do you know him these days?”

  The question spurred Evelyn to her feet and she leaned against the corner post, thinking of their lost connection.

  “He confuses me,” Radford said, apparently taking her silence as a refusal to answer. “One minute I see a familiar glimpse of my kid brother then a second later, I don’t even recognize him.”

  “Kyle’s had a lot of responsibility since your dad died. I think he’s just too preoccupied to be himself.”

  “Then why—”

  His unfinished sentence hung silently between them and echoed in Evelyn’s heart. Why... Why... Why was she going to marry a man who couldn’t seem to share himself with her? Because Evelyn had given her word, and she wouldn’t let a vague sense of unfulfillment ruin a lifelong relationship she deeply valued. Kyle would never break his promise. Neither would she.

  “I didn’t mean to pry,” Radford said.

  “I’ll answer you, if you’ll answer a question for me.”

  His expression grew guarded, but he nodded.

  “Why did you keep leaving home when you knew you belonged here with your family?”

  A heavy sigh escaped Radford and he looked past her into the darkness. “I was restless.”

  “Because of your nightmares?”

  His glance flicked back to her. “Partially.”

  “They’re about the war, aren’t they?”

  He didn’t answer.

  “My father told me war is something a man doesn’t want to talk about. He said he tries to remember the good times. Do you have any good memories?”

  “I suppose, although they escape me at the moment.”

  “Well, maybe it would help to think about the good times when you feel restless. I’d like you to stay this time.”

  Momentary surprise flashed in his eyes then softened to wonder as he stared at her. “Why?”

  Evelyn bit her lip and looked away as a hot flush stole up her neck. Even if she dared to elaborate, she couldn’t find the right words to describe the wild, thrilling emotions Radford evoked in her, or how good it felt to share her days with him. Knowing she needed to answer, Evelyn forced herself to look at him without letting her gaze dance away from his. “You make me feel less alone in the livery, and you make me laugh. You’re a good partner,” she said, trying to make light of her blunder. “But you were asking about Kyle, weren’t you? I’m marrying your brother because I can depend on him, and because he’s my best friend.”

  Radford arched a brow. “And?”

  “That’s it.”

  “Well, that’s not—” Radford clipped his words off, met her eyes, and shook his head. “Forget it.”

  “What?”

  “Nothing. Just be happy.”

  Despite her own misgivings about her relationship with Kyle, it pleased Evelyn that Radford would wish her well. She could tell he meant it by the sincerity of his voice, as though they were friends who wanted the best for each other. That’s when Evelyn realized that they had somehow become friends. And they were talking. They were sharing ideas and opinions and personal feelings. It was what she used to do with Kyle. That she was sharing this with Radford on a warm September night flayed her conscience. The darkness offered too much privacy for her to be alone with a man who made her long for private evenings and intimate conversations.

  She pushed away from the railing and crossed the porch in front of Radford, but he caught her sleeve. “Where are you going?”

  “To bed. It’s late.”

  He pulled a watch from his pocket, angled it toward the moonlight then looked up in surprise. “It’s after midnight already. It feels like we just came outside.” He smiled. “My nights have a tendency to drag. Thanks for the company.”

  Evelyn’s heartbeat accelerated as she walked away. “Sleep well, Radford.” One of us should.

  Radford knew he wouldn’t sleep with all the clamoring in his head. He’d wanted to talk to her about the kiss. After thinking it through, he knew he couldn’t let Evelyn go on thinking it was her fault. She deserved the truth and an apology. He’d planned to confess, to admit that he’d known what he was doing that night, but he couldn’t find the words. So he’d talked about William and asked about Kyle and caught glimpses of things he didn’t want to know.

  Why did Evelyn say she wanted him to stay? Was it their growing friendship? Was it because she was attached to his daughter? Radford dragged a palm down his face and leaned against the wall of the house. Why hadn’t she said she loved Kyle?

  Chapter Thirteen

  Evelyn flexed her stiff hands as she pulled out of the livery, glad that Duke would take care of their customers for a few hours. To her delight, and Radford’s shock, Rebecca had agreed to play at Helen’s house for the rest of the afternoon while Evelyn and Radford went to the creek t
o get stones for the fence her mother had taken such pride in.

  They cut across the deep field of goldenrod and tall grass then descended a narrow path that wound down into the gorge. Beauty embraced them on all sides. The sound of splattering waterfalls drew them onward until a flat sheet of water broke over a shale ledge and fell several feet into a pool.

  “It’s been a lifetime since I’ve seen a place like this,” Radford said as she halted the wagon. Evelyn jumped onto the rocky earth and Radford followed. “Listen to that.”

  Birds twittered, water splashed, and Evelyn’s heart pulsed in her ears, but she couldn’t hear anything unusual. “I don’t hear anything.”

  “That’s what I mean. Peace has its own sound. If you listen closely, you can hear a rhythm in the silence.”

  “It sounds like home to me.”

  Radford closed his eyes and breathed deeply, seeming to savor the air. “Sometimes when the guns were silent I would listen to the wind rustle the grass and make the tree limbs creak. I preferred the burbling sound of the creeks, though. The plunk of a stone tumbling downstream didn’t sound so lonely.” He opened his eyes and met Evelyn’s. “We ruined so many places like this. Twenty thousand pairs of boots could trample a field of grass and bury it in the stench of death in five minutes. Destroying the fields was as bad as killing the men.”

  This was the most open about his past Radford had been since coming home. Evelyn prayed that he was beginning to heal, that he would someday be able to share his grief with his brothers and move on with his life. She could see shadows of his past etched in his eyes, but knew he shouldn’t be confiding in her. “Did you know I used to hide here?” she asked, trying to draw him away from his memories. The day was too beautiful, held too much promise to let his past cast a shadow.

  He turned to her. “From what?”

  “You and your brothers.” She propped her fists on her hips. “Hiding here saved me several bruises, if I remember correctly.”

  “I never threatened you. From what I recall you stayed clear of me because you didn’t like me.”

  She arched an eyebrow. “You were too old to be bothered with a tagalong, knob-kneed girl, remember?”

  A slow smile tipped his lips and Evelyn knew she’d succeeded in pulling him back to the present. “Then I’m disappointed I avoided you. I think I like having a knob-kneed girl for a friend.”

  The sweetness of his comment warmed her heart, but Evelyn dutifully pushed it away. She would find that sweetness with Kyle. Tonight. Kyle was leaving for Buffalo with Duke tomorrow and he’d be gone for three days. She wanted to show Kyle that she could kiss before he left. If she had to track him down and sit on him to keep him stationary, she was getting her kiss this evening.

  “Come on, Radford. We need to load the wagon.”

  With a grimace, Radford went to the edge of the creek and stacked several flat stones on top of each other then carried them to the wagon and dumped them in with a crash. “So much for peace,” he said, returning for another armload.

  They spent an hour gathering stones from various areas of the creek bed. After several trips they were both sweating. Evelyn eyed the water like a landed fish. If Radford hadn’t been there, she’d be smack in the middle of the deep, sparkling pool. She dropped the last stone into the wagon and leaned against it. Her braid had fallen out long ago and her hair hung in a disheveled mess, its weight hot and unbearable.

  “Tell me we’re finished,” she said with a groan.

  “That depends on how high you want the stone fence.”

  “I don’t care,” she panted, “I don’t need a fence.”

  Radford laughed, his teeth and face shining in the sun. “I seem to recall that someone wanted to repair the fence in front of the house so she could get her pretty morning glory vines off the ground.”

  “You’ve obviously misunderstood. I wanted the fence fixed, but I never said anything about helping.”

  “Is that so? Well, we’re in this together, remember?”

  Of course she remembered. He promised they’d work together and he was keeping his promise. Blast him!

  She sighed with great exaggeration. “You are one cruel man, Radford.”

  An instant later Evelyn’s screech filled the small glade and startled the birds into flight. Radford had scooped her up and held her suspended over the water, one arm supporting her shoulders, the other beneath her knees.

  “Take it back,” he said, grinning down at her.

  She smiled, unable to resist the devilment in his eyes. “Can’t. It’s true.”

  “Take it back, knob-knees, or I’ll show you how mean I really am.”

  “You wouldn’t dare,” she said with a laugh.

  His smile widened and he lowered his head until they were nose to nose. “I would dare anything if it suited me.”

  He smelled of cigar and hay and hardworking man, but Evelyn didn’t have time to appreciate him because she was suddenly airborne. She hit the water with arms flailing then came up sputtering in a tangle of sopping hair.

  “You... you big... ouch!” Her foot slipped from beneath her and she went under. When she surfaced again Radford’s smile had disappeared.

  “Are you all right?”

  He looked prepared to jump in to rescue her and Evelyn immediately saw her revenge. Ever so ladylike, she raised her hand to her forehead and whispered, “I... I think so.” Just before she swooned.

  She felt the thrust of the water as Radford landed beside her. Then two strong hands pulled her to the surface. His hair was streaming, water dripped off his nose, and his eyelashes were thick, black spikes. He was beautiful. Too beautiful, she decided. Slowly, she raised her hand and smacked him across the cheek with a gray blob of clay that she’d purposely gouged from the bottom of the pool.

  His head jerked slightly with the impact of the mud, his eyes registering surprise, but Evelyn knew she hadn’t hurt him. She hadn’t intended to hurt him. She just wanted to play on even terms.

  Odd how quickly a person’s intentions could change, Evelyn thought, as Radford pulled her toward him. He didn’t say a word, just stared at her with clay running down his cheek and dripping off his chin in clumps.

  When he closed his eyes and lowered his mouth, Evelyn thought she’d faint. He was going to kiss her again.

  Her eyes fluttered closed and she experienced a long, breathless moment before she felt his cool, muddy cheek brush across her own. Her eyes flew open and she saw his wicked grin. The realization that Radford hadn’t intended to kiss her sent a jolt of heat to her cheeks and she shrieked in embarrassment. She tried to struggle from his grip, but he clamped his arms around her.

  Laughter burst from him in a melody of sound. Hearty, playful, and forgiving laughter that sent her off in another fit of thrashing. “Settle down. It’s only clay.”

  She tried to give him a well-deserved kick in the shins, but the water slowed her thrust and she did little damage. “That was cruel, Radford.”

  He laughed and released her.

  Evelyn struggled with the prospect of giving him just one good shove, but common sense won out and she cupped a handful of water to wash her face.

  “You might want to let that dry first. It’s supposed to be good for the complexion.”

  She fought the grin that threatened. Where had this sense of humor come from? She arched a brow at Radford. “Then I’d suggest you gather what you can carry for your own use.”

  Radford’s laughter filled the glade and sent birds swooping. Grasping at sanity, Evelyn waded toward shore and away from temptation, not looking back as she climbed onto the wagon. Her wet bottom smacked the seat and she sat there dripping all over herself, trying to ignore his hoots of laughter. But there was no ignoring this man.

  Radford stayed in the cooling waters, unable to shake the feel of Evelyn in his arms. He’d promised himself he’d never touch her again. But during that one reckless moment of play he had forgotten where they were, who they were, why he co
uldn’t fall in love with her. For those few seconds he’d seen the woman who rescued his daughter, who was reaching inside him to a place no one had ever touched.

  He dove beneath the surface and stroked toward the cooler depths, trying to swim away from the truth. Fanning his arms, he kept himself near the bottom, his mind grappling for answers that wouldn’t materialize. As his chest began to tighten with the need for oxygen, his body slowly calmed.

  This had to end. Now.

  Radford burst from the surface in a shower of spray and a gusty release of breath and determination.

  “Do you need help?” she called from where she was poised at the edge of the pool, her frantic expression telling Radford she was ready to dive in after him.

  “No!” Radford blinked the water from his eyes and put up a hand to stop her from jumping in. It would be torture to have her in the pool with him again. Drowning would be more merciful.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Though it was late when Kyle came to see her, Evelyn dragged him right back outside and into the yard. She could tell he was tired by his dark eyes and strained expression so she didn’t ask him to walk in the orchard with her, though she thought it would be a more romantic setting for their passionate kiss. Instead, they stood in the middle of the yard beside his horse while his pocket watch ticked away the last ten minutes he was willing to linger before going home to bed.

  Evelyn placed her hand on Kyle’s warm chest and sidled close.

  “What are you doing, Ev?”

  Her cheeks warmed, but she didn’t draw back despite her natural inclination to do so. “Trying to be romantic. Why are you irritable tonight, Kyle? Is something wrong at the house?”

  “Not at all. Boyd and Radford finished the walls tonight so we’re ahead of schedule.”