I Need You

by Mercy Amare

  “Why do you say that?” I ask, my voice in a whisper.

  “Because I’m pretty sure it was my dad who killed her,” he answers. “I think Jacqueline and my dad were having an affair. Actually, I don’t think. I know they were. I caught them. And a few days later, Jacqueline went missing. I don’t have proof, but I’d bet anything that it was him.”

  “Are you sure?” Gabe asks. “I mean, your dad is scary, but come on. Would he really kill Jacqueline just because he had an affair with her? He has affairs all the time.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t normally catch him in the act. And even if I did, I don’t know those other women. I knew Jacqueline. Hell, I had sex with her,” he says. “And knowing Jacqueline, she probably threatened to tell.”

  “So your dad has sex with a lot of underage women?” I ask.

  “He does tend to go for younger women, but they’re usually at least eighteen,” Ty answers. “Which is another reason my dad probably wanted her dead. She was seventeen. Can you imagine what would happen to his career if that got out?”

  “A politician cheating on his wife with a seventeen year old. Scandalous,” Toby says. “But I highly doubt Jacqueline would’ve wanted everybody to know. It would’ve ruined her career.”

  “Yeah, right,” Gabe says. “That kind of story would’ve put Jacqueline on the front page of every magazine. That was probably exactly what she wanted.”

  “Yeah, but you had sex with her first,” Toby says. “That’s so gross.”

  Ty laughs. “Jacqueline was crazy good in bed. Which is probably how she got the role in that movie. I heard her and the director were hooking up.”

  “Should we be talking about her like this?” I say. “She’s dead. It feels… wrong.”

  “Come on, Kihanna,” Ty says. “She treated you the worst.”

  “But you dated her.”

  Ty rolls his eyes. “Her and I had sex every day for a month and put our relationship status to in a relationship. During that month long relationship I was also having sex with this super hot college girl… I forgot her name… and I had sex with my English teacher. It wasn’t exactly love. Jacqueline meant nothing to me.”

  “Basically, that’s what our relationship was too. Minus the sex,” I say. “So does that mean I mean nothing to you too?”

  “It’s different with you. Plus, you didn’t have sex with me,” Ty answers. “That makes a huge difference.”

  “Right. So if I hadn’t caught you cheating on me that night and I would’ve lost my virginity to you, I would mean nothing?”

  “That’s not what I meant. I just mean that… Jacqueline Hoff isn’t you. Kihanna, you’re different. Special. I mean, even Toby wishes you weren’t his stepsister so he could date you.”

  Toby laughs at that. “That’s so not true. I might have… hit on Kihanna a couple times when she first moved here, but it was strictly me joking. I could literally see the innocence in her eyes, and I wanted to help her prepare.”

  Now it’s my turn to laugh. “Whatever, Toby. You so wanted me,” I joke. “But seriously, Ty, one day you’re going to meet a girl and fall head over heels in love with her. When you do, you won’t want to cheat on her, because you won’t be able to stand the thought of being with anybody else.”

  “I highly doubt that,” Ty says. “I’m too much like my father.”

  “You are nothing like him,” I say.

  “I’m just saying… if I can’t not cheat for you, I highly doubt there will ever be a girl I could be faithful to.”

  “I don’t.”

  “Well, you obviously have more faith in me than I do in myself.”

  “Kihanna is right,” Gabe tells Ty. “I could never imagine being with anybody besides Kihanna. And I haven’t been since we broke up at Christmas.”

  “Wait, wait,” Ty says, with his mouth wide open. “You haven’t has sex with anybody in five months?”

  “Nope.”

  Gabe waited for me in every way possible. My heart swells when I think about it. Then I immediately feel guilty. While he was crying over me, I was happily in love with my stalker. And then I think of Brian, who is now dead.

  “And that is why you’re going to get the girl,” Ty says. “Why are you so freaking romantic?”

  “I’m not,” Gabe says, meeting my eyes in the rearview mirror. “I’m just… crazy in love.”

  My heart says, I love you too.

  My head says, You don’t deserve him.

  One day, Gabe and I will be together again. But not until I know it’s safe. Not until we figure out who my stalker is. Hopefully, tonight will be the night.

  1 a.m.

  Closure.

  Toby and Gabe are currently in Gabe’s dad’s office. Ty and I are in the hallway, making sure nobody comes in. We are certain nobody will, but Gabe’s dad has been known to make trips to the office in the middle of the night. Just like my dad.

  I was surprised when Gabe told me to keep watch with Ty, but then I realize that maybe this is a good thing. Ty needs somebody to talk to. Gabe knows that. Plus, he knows that I’m not in love with Ty. Deep down, I truly believe Gabe knows I’m still in love with him. I just won’t tell him… yet.

  “I can’t believe Toby and Gabe haven’t checked on us yet,” Ty says. “I figured they’d be out here every five minutes. I can’t believe they trust me alone with you.”

  I roll my eyes. “They trust me. Plus, it’s not like you’d force me to do anything I didn’t want to do. And I’m single. So if I wanted to do something, I could.”

  “So you want to do stuff with me?” Ty raises his eyebrows.

  “No. I didn’t say that. You’re twisting my words.”

  “Whatever. You so want me.”

  I smack his arm and he smiles at me to let me know he’s just messing with me.

  “I did want you. At one point,” I say.

  “Maybe,” he says. “But you always wanted Gabe more. I just asked you out first. I never stood a chance against him.”

  “You could have. If you would’ve paid half as much attention to me as you did to the other girls you were seeing. We hung out and stuff, but you never called me before bed to say goodnight. You hardly ever texted me. You’d take me out on these epic dates, kiss me, and then basically ignore me until we were together again. That’s not how a relationship works. Plus, you pushed me into having sex with you before I was ready. You basically pushed me into Gabriel’s arms.”

  Ty sighs. “I know I screwed up with you. I will always regret how everything went down with us.”

  “I really do care about you. A lot.”

  “I know,” he says. “And that’s what sucks. I was the one who screwed this all up. It was all me. But I know I’ll keep doing it to every girl. I can’t stop.”

  “Ty, I see how much you’ve changed. You’re not that guy anymore. You say that you are, but I know that you would do anything to not be like your dad. I know you can be faithful to a girl you really love.”

  He looks at me and smiles, but even when he smiles I can see the pain in his eyes. Nobody should have to hurt that much. “That’s why I fell in love with you, Kihanna. You’re so… innocent. You believe that there is good in everybody. The world hasn’t tainted you. Even after going through all of this, you’re still the strongest person I know.”

  I lower my head. “I’m not strong, Ty. I feel like I am breaking in half. Nobody can save me.”

  “I’ll save you.”

  I scoot close to Ty and put my head on his shoulder. He puts an arm around my waist.

  I like how I feel with him.

  Safe.

  Which is ironic, considering Ty is the kind of guy who isn’t safe. He’s the bad boy. I’m the good girl. In another life, we could’ve been meant to be. I know that we would’ve been happy. But this is our life. We are both screwed up. Ty needs somebody who can put up with his crap… somebody a lot stronger than me. And I need somebody who can put up with my crap.

  In a lot of ways
, Ty and I are a lot alike. We’re both screwed up.

  “By the way, you’re wrong,” I tell him.

  “About what?”

  “I’m not the strongest person you know. You are. There is nobody stronger than you.”

  Ty opens his mouth to say something else when the door to Jack’s office opens up. Toby walks out and smirks when he sees how close Ty and I are sitting, but he doesn’t comment.

  “Gabe needs you,” Toby says to him. “I’ll stay out here with Kihanna.”

  Ty gets up and walks inside, and Toby comes to sit beside me.

  “So, what was that?” Toby asks as the door shuts.

  “That was me giving Ty the closure he desperately needed. The closure I should have given him six months ago,” I answer. Though six months ago, I was mad at him for cheating on me. Maybe now was the perfect time.

  “I’m glad you two are friends,” he says.

  “So what’s going on? Did you figure anything out?” I ask.

  “I don’t know,” Toby answers. “Gabe just said he needed Ty for something, so here I am.”

  “I hope that means we are almost done. I’m so ready for normal.”

  “I don’t think that normal will ever be an option for you,” he says. “Isn’t Berkeley going to make you do interviews or some shit?”

  “You have such a way with words. And yeah, they are, but it won’t be bad. They promised it wouldn’t interfere with my school work,” I tell him. “I’m excited that I’m going to college with Gabe and Ty. We are going to have a lot of fun.”

  “Are you going to join a sorority?”

  “Meh, probably not. I mean, really, could you see me in a sorority?”

  Toby laughs. “No, I really couldn’t. You don’t really have a lot of girl friends.”

  “Something always goes wrong. Like you dated Victoria. And my stalker kidnapped Ariana. And my stalker was Olivia’s brother…” My voice trails off. “I’ve given up on the idea of having girl friends. I just need you, Ty, and Gabe. You three have been here for me from the beginning, so I know I can count on you.”

  The office door opens, so Toby and I stand up as Ty and Gabe walk out.

  “So, what’s going on?” I ask. “Did you figure it out?”

  “We will talk about it later,” Gabe says. “We need to go. Your dad just called my phone and he is pissed.”

  Ugh… I was so hoping he wouldn’t wake up and wouldn’t notice I was gone.

  2 a.m.

  I need you too.

  “Stupid, irresponsible, dangerous…” were a few of the many words my dad used to describe my behavior. “What if something would’ve happened?”

  “Nothing happened,” I say.

  Toby, Ty, and Gabe all stand behind me in silence with their heads down. If I was smart, I’d probably do the same, but I’m so sick of this. At least they get to leave this house. I don’t. Ever. And it sucks.

  “Kihanna, do you not realize how precious your life is?” he asks and clears his throat. “I don’t know what I would do if anything happened to you.”

  Ugh. And there it is.

  DISAPPOINTMENT.

  I prefer screaming and yelling. I would rather him be mad at me. But what I can’t handle is my dad being disappointed in me.

  “I want this to end. I need to know,” I tell him, with tears filling my eyes. “I can’t live like this anymore… I’m tired of being afraid.”

  “I know you are. And I promise you, I’m doing everything I can,” he tells me. “But I don’t want you to be reckless. I need you to be safe and alive. Your little sister is going to need you. I need you.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  Dad steps closer and puts his arms around me. “I promise that we will do more stuff. I know you’re sick of being in this house all the time. Just promise me that you won’t sneak out again. Please.”

  “I promise,” I say, truly meaning it. I never want to see this look on my dad’s face again. I want him to be proud of me.

  “Good.” He steps back, releasing me from his arms.

  “Dad, I was wondering something. Ty needs a place to stay until college starts this fall. Well, he’s going with us to Bora Bora, but at least until graduation. Do you think he could stay here with us?” I ask.

  Dad looks at Ty, then looks at me. “Didn’t the two of you used to date?”

  “Like six months ago,” I answer. “But don’t worry. We’re not into each other like that. Besides, Gabe stays the night over here all the time and I never do anything with him.”

  Toby snorts at that.

  I turn around and glare at Toby. He stops smiling.

  “I won’t do anything with Ty,” I say again. “In fact, he can sleep on the second floor, and I’ll sleep in the basement. There will be a whole floor in-between us.”

  “Fine,” Dad says, but looks at Ty. “What’s wrong with your house?”

  “My dad has decided to spend the summer here,” Ty answers.

  Dad nods, like that is a completely acceptable excuse for wanting to stay here. “You’re welcome to stay here as long as you need.” He turns to me. “I’m going to bed. And I’m trusting you.”

  He turns and walks up the staircase.

  “I’m going to bed too,” Toby says. “Ty, I’ll show you the guest room.”

  Toby and Ty walk up the stairs, leaving Gabe and me in the foyer alone.

  “Are you staying tonight too?” I ask.

  “Maybe.”

  “I just asked, because I kind of don’t want to be alone.”

  Gabe laughs. “Your dad just said he trusted you. Do you really want to betray that trust by sleeping with me?”

  “There is nothing wrong with sleep as long as we just sleep. But he meant he was trusting me not to sneak out again,” I tell him. “Besides, it’s not like it matters. We’ve already had sex.”

  “Okay, I’ll stay.”

  Gabe follows me down to the basement. He folds out the hideaway bed while I grab blankets and pillows from the closet. We both get onto the bed without a word. As we lay there, I feel like I should say something. So I say the first thing that comes to my mind.

  “You really haven’t had sex with anybody since me?” I ask.

  Yeah, that wasn’t awkward at all.

  “I really haven’t,” he answers. “You really didn’t have sex with Brian?”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “I thought the two of you were,” he says. “I’m glad you didn’t.”

  “Would you still like me if I had been with him?”

  “Of course I would, Kihanna. You’d still be you, and I’d still be madly in love with you. But I like that I’m the only guy you’ve been with. It’s kind of hot,” he says.

  His words make me smile. “I don’t know why I ever dated Brian. He and I were so different. It never would’ve worked out, even if he wasn’t my stalker.”

  “What about us?” he asks. “Do you see us working out?”

  “I’ve already told you that I do. Remember? House in the suburbs. Two-point-five kids. White picket fence.”

  “What about between now and then?”

  “Well, we find my stalker. Then spend an amazing summer in Tahiti, probably having lots of hot sex, and then go to college.”

  “Where we have more lots of hot sex?”

  I laugh. “Exactly.”

  “So the only thing stopping you from being with me is the fact that your stalker is still out there?”

  “That’s not the only reason,” I tell him. “I just… don’t deserve you. You’re such an amazing guy, Gabe. And I just let you go. I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”

  “Wait.” He sits up and looks at me. “The only reason you’re not with me is because you think you don’t deserve me?”

  I nod.

  “That’s bullshit,” he says. “I go to bed every night wondering what I can do to win your affections. I wonder how it was so easy for you to walk away when it gutted me. I saw you with… him… wondering
what he had that I don’t… And now, the only thing holding you back from me is your insecurities?”

  “That’s why I don’t deserve you, Gabe! I can never take back what I did!”

  “I’m not asking you to. I’m asking you to give us a second chance.”

  I can’t.

  “I love you more than anything, and I want to be with you,” he says, taking my hands in his. “We don’t have to tell anybody. It never has to leave this room until you’re ready. I just… Kihanna, I need you.”

  I need you too, I think.

  “Could it really be that easy?” I ask him. “Could we really go back to how things were? Could we pretend the last three months didn’t happen?”

  “It won’t be the same,” he answers. “But that’s not a bad thing. We obviously had issues before. This time we will have a better relationship. We will be honest with each other, and we won’t try to hide things.”

  I look at Gabe… really look at him. I can see so much hope in his blue eyes. But most of all, I can see love.

  Gabriel Johnson is still very much in love with me.

  My chest hurts when I think about how much he loves me. I will never deserve his love. But he doesn’t care. He’s here, offering me his heart… even though I’ve already broken it once. I could do it again. He knows that. He thinks that I’m worth the risk.

  So what am I so afraid of?

  Being happy?

  “Gabe.” My voice comes out in a whisper. I don’t think I could speak up if I tried. “I need you too.”

  His eyes search mine for only a second before his lips press against mine. His kisses are soft, and I know that he doesn’t intend to take it any further than just a kiss. At least not tonight.

  “I love you, Kihanna,” he says against my lips.

  He kisses me again.

  I know that he doesn’t expect me to say it back. I don’t need to say it back, because he knows how I feel. But I can’t say it right now.

  Gabe gives me one last chaste kiss, and then we lie down. He wraps his arms around me, and together we drift off to sleep.