The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  People might think it’s crazy that calling myself another name would help me talk to someone, but I can hide my shyness behind that persona, not letting the real me show. I've spent my life chasing people away with my inhibitions. Everyone loses patience when I don’t open up to them quickly. Grey is the only person that hung around long enough to get to know me, the only person who gave me a chance to show him who I really was underneath. He was the first person who made me feel like I was good enough for someone.

  I sit in my cubicle, trying to get myself to concentrate on the contract in front of me, but I'm struggling. Every time someone walks into the office I can’t stop my eyes from moving towards them. I don’t know if I want to see Trey or if I'm hoping he won’t be in today. I came in early today thinking maybe if I got to the other partners first I might be able to work with them for the rest of the day, but luck is not on my side today. Ms. Jamieson is in court all day and Mr. Rose already had people working with him on a case from before the weekend. So now I need to keep my head down, make sure that I keep myself hidden from Trey so if he does need help he will pick someone else. It’s always Quincy that works with him, but you can almost guarantee that today will be the day he’ll pick me. I can’t chance him seeing me, not until the memory of Romeo fades.

  When the elevator pings again my stomach tumbles as I watch the mailman walk out of it. God, I can’t do this for the rest of the day. I get up from my seat and walk over to the filing box. This is a task that everyone hates, putting away all the files that have been used during the week. It can takes hours to do and the room is hot and stuffy, but today I think it might be my favorite job. I need something to hide me away. I grab the box and make my way down the hall towards the filing room, watching Trey’s office door as I walk past it. The room is right next to the copy room, only one door away from Trey’s office, but with it being further down the hall I'm hoping he won’t come down this far. I feel the heat attack me as soon as I walk in, and I realize that this is going to be a long ass day.

  I sit on the floor, my back leaning against the wall right next to the door. I removed my suit jacket as soon as I arrived in the room but it wasn’t long before my shirt was sticking to my sweat-soaked back. I'm sitting in the one place that I’ve found has a slight breeze from the air conditioning in the hall. I close my eyes and let the coolness blow over my heated skin. I knew that I would regret this job, but at least no one else has come in so far. I look at my watch and realize that it’s lunch hour, and the fact is confirmed with how quiet the office is. We are all allowed to take our lunch hour when we want, as long as the whole floor is empty between the hours of two and three. This is when all the partners have their meetings and we aren’t to be here when that happens. The time is now two-thirty and here I am, not where I'm supposed to be.

  I get up off the floor, determined to sneak out before anyone catches me. I go to look around the doorframe, but I pull up short when I hear two sets of footsteps coming down the hall. Shit, shit, shit. I stand tall, pushing back against the wall trying to make sure that no one will see me if they walk past. I send up a small thanks to the gods that I have chosen to hide in the one room with four solid walls. I think it’s the reason it always gets to hot, but the designers obviously thought no one needed to see rows upon rows of filing cabinets.

  My stomach drops when I hear people talking, one voice standing out over the other. Trey. I close my eyes and lean my head back, determined not to listen to what he's saying, but unable to stop myself.

  “I don’t fucking know where he lives, I don’t even know his real name.”

  My heart starts racing as I wonder if he's talking about me. I shake my head, knowing that I'm looking for a miracle.

  “Don’t take it out on me because you let your weekend fun get away. Maybe if you had actually spoken to him instead of sticking your dick in him, you wouldn’t be in this situation now.”

  Okay, he is talking about me. Unless he had another guy over the weekend, but spending the whole night with him on Saturday would have made that difficult.

  “Fuck you, we did talk. He said he didn’t want to give me his name, that I was a one-night stand. He said I was special, that he doesn’t sleep around.” Their voices get quieter and I risk a look around the doorframe. I see Trey and another guy walking into his office. I can’t help my dick getting hard when I see him for the first time since he had his cock inside me. He is just so fucking sexy.

  “You do realize that you sound like a chick, right?” The guy closes the door behind him and I don’t wait around, rushing past the office door and to the stairs that will take me down to the main reception. I can’t get caught here, Trey can’t know I heard him.

  I take a seat behind my desk, watching as Nathan sits on the chair opposite me. We met downstairs to grab a sandwich, but bringing it up here so we could chat. There’s only one thing that I need to talk about, and I'm sure he's sick of hearing about Romeo by now. When I woke alone on Sunday morning I was pissed. I never thought that he would be able to slip out without me noticing. I had hoped that he might stay for breakfast, or at least say goodbye, and I don’t know why those things not happening had me feeling so pissed off. It left me feeling confused about my feelings, not sure why I felt like I needed to see Romeo again when I obviously don’t know anything about him. If I just had his real name, it would let me try and find him, but I have no way of starting that search.

  “Shut up, fucker. I don’t sound like a woman. I'm just trying to say that … shit. I don’t know what I'm trying to say. I just felt comfortable with him, felt like even though he was hiding a lot from me I could see who he really was.”

  Yeah it’s official; I've lost my mind.

  “Fine, I sound a little like a chick. Fuck. I just want to find him again.” I grab my bottle of water, pushing the sandwich I bought out of the way. I’ve lost my appetite since I starting talking about Romeo, my frustration being the only thing I can focus on.

  “Trey, I can only tell you the obvious solution to this whole thing. Go back to Crave at the weekend. You know he works there so go find him.” I know he's right, but the weekend seems so far away. When I think about going five days without seeing Romeo it makes me feel a little crazy.

  “Look, I need to go. Just chill a bit. I know you liked him but you really don’t know anything about him. He could be a serial killer for all you know.”

  I watch as Nathan walks to my office door, saluting me before he leaves and I turn my seat so I'm looking out over the buildings of the city. This scenery usually settles me, but today all I can do is think about how I'm feeling.

  I usually have a sensible head when it comes to relationships. Even with Dustin I took my time, got to know him before I took it further. That’s the relationship that caused me to question everyone, made me more cautious about everything. It was the experience that made me shy away from anything that looked like commitment. Bryce was the first guy I’d felt anything for in a very long time, and even he cheated on me. I have a track record of picking the wrong guy, always picking the one who will break my heart. I don’t know if it’s me personally, that I'm so easy to forget once they have another guy in their arms, or if I'm just gullible, believing everything they tell me without question. I always thought it was my job that made me question everything, to look for lies in the things people say, but I think it’s more my past that’s done it to me.

  So to fall for Romeo so quickly, to feel something for him after only a few nights is throwing me. I know he hasn’t lied to me, he just hasn’t told me the truth, but for some reason, with him, I feel comfortable with that. The way my mind is racing just now, trying to work out how to get in contact with him, I obviously want to know more, like what he does when he's not dancing. Again, I shock myself by wanting to know more about Romeo. I was sure after I found out about Bryce it would take months to get over him. I had real feelings for him and his betrayal hurt like fuck. But all it took was watching Romeo up on that stage
for one night, those few minutes of seeing him move across the floor, his body glistening in the stage light and it’s like I'm hooked. I can’t stop thinking about him, and I don’t know if I’ll make it to the weekend without seeing him again. I know one thing for certain, when I see him at the weekend there is no way I'm leaving without knowing his name.

  Chapter 5

  I sit at what’s becoming my usual table at the front of the stage, impatiently waiting for Romeo to appear. I was tempted to come here midweek, but when we were at my house he mentioned he had a day job, so I took a chance that he wouldn’t be here before tonight. I look at my watch and see that it’s approaching closing time. I've been sitting here for hours and I still haven’t seen him. I wanted to ask one of the waiters when he would be on, but I was worried that they would tell him that I was looking for him and I’d appear desperate. As I sit here with my heart pounding in my chest, I know I am desperate, but Romeo doesn’t need to know it too.

  Finally my frustration gets the better of me and I grab the arm of one of the waiters as they walk past.

  “What time is Romeo on tonight?”

  There is a look of confusion on his face and it doesn’t fill me with any sort of hope. “He's not here tonight. He called in sick, won’t be in this weekend.”

  I just nod, not trusting my emotions enough to talk. There are so many things running through my head at once and I don’t know exactly what I’m feeling. There is anger, anger that I won’t be able to see him again, anger that I don’t know who he is or where he lives, and anger at myself for feeling so deflated because he’s not going to be here.

  I silently walk to the door, avoiding the stares of the other dancers. I don’t know if they are just trying to get my attention to offer their services, or if Romeo has told them about me. Either way I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be the desperate older guy who’s chasing the young hot dancer. Shit. How did I become that guy, because no matter how much I try to say I'm not, I know I have. The thought pisses me off and it makes me even more determined to leave with my pride intact, and that is the plan until I see the doorman from last week. When he sees me he nods, obviously remembering when I left with Romeo.

  I don’t realize my intentions until I'm standing in front of him, asking him the questions I know I shouldn’t be. “Hi, I hope you remember me. I left with Romeo last week, and I know this sounds random, but do you know where he lives?” I try to give him my most charming smile, the one I use in the courtroom to win over the jury.

  The unimpressed look on his face clearly shows me that it isn’t working on him. “I don’t give out the guys’ details.” That’s all he says, turning away to emphasize the fact he won’t be giving me anything.

  I reach out and grab his arm, instantly regretting it when he turns his steely eyes back to me. I take a step backwards, the words I was about to say forgotten under his glare.

  “I said I don’t give out the guys’ details. Now leave.” He doesn’t turn away this time, staring me down until I start to back away. I don’t normally intimidate easily, but I know I'm not thinking straight over Romeo, and now is not the time to make bad decisions. The guy is twice my size, and the last thing I need is to get my ass handed to me.

  I don’t even answer him as I turn, my body colliding with someone in my hurry.

  “I'm sorry.” I look up to find myself looking into the eyes that I've missed all week. They widen in shock and I can’t help but reach out and wrap my arm around his waist.

  “What are you doing here, I thought you were sick?” I feel the instant loss when he pushes back from my body, putting space between us that I don’t want. I don’t know what I expected from him but acting like he doesn’t want me here isn’t it.

  “I needed to pick up something from my locker. Why are you here?”

  I take him by the elbow, feeling relief when he doesn’t fight against me. I lead him outside where it’s quiet, and look around to see somewhere this conversation can happen. I had tonight all worked out in my head and it’s going nothing like my plan. I see an alleyway a few feet away and I lead him there, taking him deep into the darkness so we won’t be disturbed. I push him back against the wall, standing close to him so he can’t escape. When he looks up into my eyes, the look of trust there makes me feel like a god. How can one simple act make me feel so good?

  “I needed to see you. I’ve been struggling all week knowing I wouldn’t see you until tonight. Why did you leave last weekend?” I know that being honest with him is probably going to bite me on the ass, but this is who I am. I give too much to the people I want, and even though I don’t know Romeo very well, I want him to know that he means something to me. It took a lot of soul searching for me to finally admit that I wanted to jump into this with both feet. There must be a reason that he makes my stomach tumble and my heart rate increase. Initially I thought it was just the want, but the feeling didn’t go away after our first or second time together. So here I am, telling him how I feel and wondering if he will feel the same.

  “Trey, please. Don’t do this.” He closes his eyes and I drop my forehead onto his. I can feel his breathing against my lips and I just want to kiss him, but know that we need to talk.

  “Tell me your name.” It’s the only thing I can focus on, the one thing I need to know. I’ve convinced myself that if he tells me his name some of the mystery will disappear and I won’t be as obsessed with him. He moans and rubs his nose along mine. The act is loving and gentle, and makes my dick start to harden.

  “I can’t do that, I can’t tell you anything about me.”

  I cup his jaw and make him look up into my eyes. He looks torn, like the question actually causes him pain, and it makes me want to know what he's hiding.

  “I don’t understand. I want to know you, I want to be with you.” Standing here in a dark alleyway, a single street light from the sidewalk the only illumination, I see a tear falling down his cheek, making my heart break. I use my thumb to wipe the tear away and Romeo leans forward, pressing his lips to mine. The kiss is chaste but I can still feel it tingle all the way through my body and down to my toes.

  “This … us … it’s never going to happen. This thing between us is more than I ever imagined I would get with you, but it can’t be anything more. It just can’t be more.” His lips connect with mine again, this time with more passion. His hands reach up and grip into the back of my hair, pulling me closer to him. The act screams of desperation and I can’t help but return it. I kiss him back, trying to show him everything I’m feeling through just my lips. I relax my whole body against his, our hard cocks rubbing against each other. Emotions and hormones take over, and the next few minutes are a scramble of hands and teeth. There’s an urgency between us, both of us wanting to touch each other, to connect after being apart all week. I turn him to face the wall, pushing him against the bricks of the wall in front of him. I work my hands in between his body and the wall, undoing the buttons on his jeans. Once undone, I waste no time in dragging his jeans and boxers down over his thighs, rubbing my hand over his now naked ass. His skin is so smooth and the muscle underneath makes me dig my fingers into them. He is fucking perfection. I don’t think I've ever met anyone with a body as alluring as Romeo’s. He’s all hard muscles, but he also has a softness about him, a gentle sensuality.

  I bite his neck, letting my teeth sink deeply into his skin as I undo my pants. His moan hits me straight in the balls and I run my hand over them as I free my raging hard-on. After using my hand all week while dreaming of Romeo, I need to be inside him, I need to feel him around me. I run my naked cock along the seam of his ass, pressing in deep and loving the friction that builds. I reach to my wallet and grab the condom packet from it, ripping it open with my teeth. I don’t have patience tonight; there is no time for preparing him or any gentleness. I haven’t even asked him if he wants this, but I'm scared that if I stop long enough for his common sense to catch up he will stop me. One word of protest, one sign that
he isn’t comfortable and I’ll stop, but until then I'm taking what I want.

  Once I have the condom rolled on I open his ass cheeks, spitting onto the sexy as sin hole that appears. I press my finger against it, spreading my saliva around and just inside his tightness. I feel him push back against me, my finger slipping deep into his heat. He moans when I enter him, and I know that he wants this as much as I do.

  “I don’t have lube, this is gonna be rough. It’s gonna burn baby.” I push against his tight hole as I speak, feeling my tip slide inside. You can tell there’s nothing easing my movements, the dryness pulling my cock in a delicious way. I don’t want to hurt him though, so I take my time, watching as my cock disappears inside his body. Romeo cries out as I thrust that final inch, my balls crashing against his ass. I still inside him, my lips finding skin again as I work my mouth up over his neck and towards his ear.

  “I just want your name, baby. Don’t you understand, we could be so fucking good together.”

  I feel his body tighten around my cock and I resist the urge to fuck him, to use my body to show him how good we can be. I want him to hear my words, to give in to me and tell me who he really is.

  “Please move, Trey.” His voice shows strain and it makes me pull out and thrust back into him, the bite of the movement pulling my balls up to my body.

  “I need to know who you are. God, just fucking tell me.” I watch as his hand falls from the wall, disappearing into the gap between his body and the bricks. I feel his hips move in a rhythm as he rubs himself, and the thought of him jacking off has me moving inside him without meaning to. I use shallow thrusts, pushing hard into him as I try to get as deep as possible, but I don’t feel it will ever be enough. I want to be lost inside Romeo forever, his body feeling like it’s been made just for me. The shock of the thought has me stilling, my cock deep inside him as he cries out.