The Hard To Love series

by T A. McKay

  I kneel in front of Grey and take in what's in front of me. I haven’t seen many cocks, but I reckon that none would compare to the perfect sight that is Grey. His balls are pink and full, hanging loosely between his legs like they are inviting me to touch them. So I do. I hold them as I flick my tongue out so it connects with the tip of his cock, testing his flavor to see if it’s anything like I imagined. I groan before I slide my mouth over his entire length. Fuck, I could easily become addicted to this. I don't go too deep, worrying that I might gag, but I explore him with my tongue, feeling all the veins and ridges. It’s such an intoxicating experience that I don't even notice that I’m working over my own cock inside my boxers.

  Grey reaches down and pulls me up until I'm standing in front of him. He kisses me with such a passion that it leaves me feeling light headed as he pushes my shorts down my legs. He pulls away from my lips and leans back on his elbows, opening his legs slightly and giving me access to everything. It reminds me of Nic doing the same things a few nights ago but this time it feels different. This time it increases the need inside me and it takes everything in me not to take everything on offer.

  Grey’s cock is leaning against his stomach, slick and shiny from my mouth and I take a moment just to look at him. My heart starts racing in my chest and I can’t help but lick my lips. Grey is so fucking sexy and I need to grip the base of my own cock to stop myself from coming all over him.

  “Nathan.”

  I look up, blinking a few times until I manage to get my eyes to focus on him.

  “I want you to fuck me.”

  My heart almost stops. How do I tell Grey that I’ve never done this before?

  Chapter 11

  I freeze in place, not sure what to do next. Grey’s looking at me with enough heat to melt a fucking iceberg and I'm standing here gaping at him like a fucking idiot.

  He doesn’t notice my hesitation and pulls me towards him with his legs. “Do you have a condom?”

  I nod my head as I reach for the drawer under his ass to grab one. I'm on autopilot and let Grey lead the way through what might possibly be a life altering experience. Actually I know it will, because I'm about to take a huge step towards the bi-sexual life I've been thinking about. After tonight I’ll finally know what it’s like to be with a man.

  “Lube?”

  Shit. I have a few supplies in here but lube isn’t one of them. Nothing happens in my bathroom that would ever require it. I have a small bottle in my nightstand, but I’m scared if I was to walk away from Grey I might lose my nerve and just keep walking. “No.” My voice sounds more strangled than I’ve hear it before, but I'm struggling to get the words past my tight throat.

  Grey doesn’t say anything as he leans forward and grabs the condom from between my fingers. I watch as he rips the foil packet open before rolling the condom down my now aching cock. All I can do is stand and watch him, losing all ability to think past what he's doing. To experience what it feels like to be with a man is something I’ve wanted for so long. I just never imagined that it would be Grey showing me this side of my sexuality, but now that it’s happening, part of my brain thinks it could only be him. Despite that, it doesn’t stop the nerves from making me freeze.

  I feel like a spectator, the shock of it all has rendered me like a zombie. I'm sure when I tell this story at a later date, I will make myself sound like a more active participant, but I just can’t make myself move tonight.

  Grey spits on his hand and rubs it over my dick until it glides through his fist with more ease. His grip is strong and tight, and I close my eyes as I try to breathe through the pleasure that’s threatening to end this too soon. I didn’t know what I expected when Grey finally touched me, but I know this just feels more. More than what I don’t know, but I feel like I've finally felt the sun on my skin after a lifetime of hiding in the dark. Shit. I can’t believe the thoughts that are rushing through my mind. I didn’t think I was the type of person to think shit like this, but apparently I was wrong.

  When he pulls me closer to him and presses my tip against his hole, I have my first moment of panic. I know this is my first experience with a guy, but with any woman who’s let me do this to them, they needed a lot more prep. Shit. I don’t want to hurt him, but the heat through the condom has my eyes rolling into the back of my head. When he pulls me even closer to him, pressing my cock harder against his hole, some of my common sense comes back. “Grey, we need lube.” I would have preferred it if my voice didn’t sound like a frightened teenager right now. I want to pretend that this isn’t new to me, but I'm acting more nervous than I did when I actually lost my virginity.

  Grey still doesn’t say anything; he just spits on his hand again and presses his fingers inside himself. I watch in rapt fascination as he fucks himself, his fingers easing in and out of his tight hole. It’s the most erotic sight I've seen and it’s making me question everything I thought I knew about myself.

  I’m so mesmerized by the sight in front of me that I don’t notice that Grey has moved and is now sitting up slightly. I allow him to man handle me as he pulls me closer. I’m firmly stuck in a sexual haze that I can’t seem to escape. It’s all too much to try and understand as all the feelings and emotions fight inside me to be acknowledged.

  I feel pressure against my cock as I start to enter Grey. I close my eyes because if I see what’s happening I'm going to shoot my load before I’m even fully inside him. Grey’s gasp brings me back to my senses and I feel a pulling sensation against my foreskin. I may be new to this, but even I know that if there is friction for me then there must be pain for him.

  I look at him as I still my body, tensing my hips so I finally take back a little control. His eyes are closed and his breathing labored. I can’t tell if it’s from pleasure or discomfort, but if there is even a slight chance it’s from the latter, then I refuse to go on. I grip the back of his neck, easing his face towards mine. “Look at me.” My voice comes out on a growl and it makes his eyes flutter open. “Are you in pain?”

  His eyes aren’t fully focused as he stares at me and the blissed out look on his face makes me want to kiss him until I can’t breathe.

  I tighten the hold on his neck until I can see him focus his gaze on me. I need to make sure he's listening when I talk. “I asked if you were in pain.”

  He nods his head and I let out a curse before trying to take a step back. His legs immediately wrap around my body, halting my retreat. “I am, but it’s a good pain.” He spits in his hand again and rubs it along my length; his eyes never leaving mine for a second. “I want it. I want the burn, I want to feel you inside me. I'm fine, better than fine. Just please don’t stop, Nathan.” Before he stops talking he tilts his hips and thrusts.

  I cry out as I slip fully inside his body. The heat, the pressure, the feeling of him pulse around me, it’s all working together to create what I can only call fucking heaven. I manage to focus my vision and find myself looking deep into Grey’s eyes. I don’t even have to ask him if he’s okay. It’s like he can anticipate that my only priority tonight is him.

  He smiles and reaches down, working his own cock. The action causes his ass to clench, and I'm not sure if I’ll be able to move.

  “You have to do something, Nathan. I'm not going to last long.”

  Thank fuck. I'm not sure if I'm going to last three thrusts, so to know that he's close as well lets me relax a little. I want this to be good for Grey, and if I can hide the fact I haven’t had any experience with this sort of thing before it will make the night perfect.

  I ease out of him, savoring the slight pull against my cock. I want to look down and see everything that’s happening, but I can’t drag my eyes away from Grey’s. There are so many emotions flashing through them, but the one I can see clearly is longing. I have a feeling that it’s been a long time since someone needed Grey for something more than friendship, but tonight, and maybe only for tonight, I'm going to show him he is worth so much more than just that.
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br />   I lean in and kiss him, trying to convey all the lust and passion I'm feeling. There’s something addictive about Grey’s mouth, and I can’t seem to get enough of it. I've always loved kissing but with Grey it feels different, and I could spend the rest of my life kissing him and it wouldn’t be enough. His free hand reaches up to grip my hair and pulls it, causing pain to spread out through my scalp and straight to my balls.

  When I struggle to take a breath, I pull back and finally looking down to where we’re connected. The sight has me groaning as my orgasm hits without warning.

  My release sends Grey over the edge and white ribbons of cum paint his stomach in the sexiest work of art I've seen. I stand and gasp for oxygen, my body threatening to shut down if I don’t fill my lungs soon.

  Grey hisses as I pull my still semi hard cock from his body, and a heavy feeling attacks my chest when I realize I’ve hurt him.

  My emotions must show on my face because Grey uses his fingers to tilt my face to his. “I'm fine. I'm going to feel it for a few days but I'm more than happy with that.” His smile sets me at ease more than his words, and I pull him in for another kiss.

  What we just did could potentially make for a very awkward moment, but I'm determined that it won’t become something we hide. Grey had needs and I was only too happy to see to those needs. Nothing more and nothing less.

  I kick my still wet underwear towards the clothes hamper and after disposing of the condom, I grab a towel and wrap it around my waist. I try not to watch Grey as he mimics my actions but my eyes have a mind of their own and focus on his ass. Holy shit, I fucked Grey. I can’t get that thought out of my mind. That perfect ass was mine and it was everything I had imagined.

  I cough and turn away as I feel my dick hardening further at the thought. I never have a problem with my performance but my cock hasn’t softened since I was inside Grey’s body. It’s been barely five minutes since I had a spectacular orgasm and here I am, thinking about how much I want to do it again.

  Grey looks around nervously and it pulls at my heart a little that he feels awkward with me now. I don’t want this to change anything between us and I know I’ll have to work to make sure that it doesn’t.

  “Um … I'm … I'm going to head to bed. It’s been a long day.” He walks towards the door slowly but I have the feeling that he would like nothing more than to run.

  “Good night, Florence.”

  He turns and glares at me, giving me the finger as he walks away.

  I know he thinks that he's escaping me. But that’s where he's wrong. My addiction to Mr. Green just became a very real thing.

  I think it might be time to decide what I want.

  I close my bedroom door behind me and lean against it, letting my head drop back with a quiet thump. I can’t believe that just happened. Oh my god, I just threw myself at Nathan. We had sex. I was fucked by Nathan Cooper. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

  I bang my head one last time before I push off from the door, dragging myself to bed. This day has been so fucking emotional, I need to shut down and sleep for about eighty hours.

  I drop my towel and slip in between the cool sheets, sighing as they touch my still overheated skin. I try to get comfortable, turning a few times in the attempt to try and get comfortable. The only problem is I don’t think that’s going to happen any time soon. I can’t stop thinking about what just happened, and the ache I feel in my ass every time I move guarantees that I don’t. I'm going to feel Nathan for days and as hard as I try, I can’t come up with a reason for that being a bad thing. It may have not been planned, and it was definitely a bad idea, but I wouldn’t go back and change anything even if I had the chance. The experience was by far the best of my life. I know it was probably a one-time thing and that Nathan was most likely just feeling sorry for the desperate guy, but I will keep the memories with me forever. The way he felt inside me, the gentle touches to my skin that caused a searing heat to spread throughout my body, and the way he tasted when he attacked my mouth. Those memories will keep me warm on lonely nights.

  If nothing else, tonight clears up one very important question that’s been troubling me for weeks. I know for certain now that Nathan likes me, and he has no problem sleeping with men.

  I moan to myself as I try desperately to stop my mind from replaying everything that happened over and over again. I turn again, digging my head into my pillow in the attempt to block out the noise of the traffic on the road outside. It’s not something that’s bothered me in the past but tonight I've decided to blame it for my inability to sleep.

  I yell a really unmanly scream when a pair of arms wrap around my body and pull me backwards. When my back collides with his chest, he buries his nose into my neck and inhales.

  “Do you want to talk about what’s bothering you?”

  The question shouldn’t surprise me but it does. I don’t know Nathan well enough for us to chat about our problems, but as I lay here with his arms wrapped tightly around me, I realize that I want to.

  “Nothing and everything. I think there is just too much.” I don’t know if he will understand what I'm trying to say but it’s the only way I can think to explain it.

  “Is there anything I need to worry about? Are you … fuck, I don’t even know how to ask this delicately so I'm just going to come out and ask it. Is this depression? Do I have to worry about you hurting yourself?”

  I don’t really know how it works because I've never experienced this before, but as Nathan speaks, I think I can actually feel myself falling for him. My heart skips a beat as he asks the questions that no one else ever has. Roman knows me inside and out but even he hasn’t noticed when life gets too much for me. I don’t blame Roman for it though; I have become a master at hiding in plain sight. Or so I thought.

  “I'm not depressed. It’s anxiety, and sometimes it just gets a bit difficult to handle and I need to let it all out.”

  His arms tighten around me and I snuggle into his embrace.

  “Thank you, Nathan.”

  “For what?”

  “For caring.” My words barely come out through the knot in my throat. He will never know how much this is helping me, just being able to talk to someone. I feel that he has low to no expectations of me, so if I tell him I'm not feeling strong he won’t be disappointed. I'm always the strong one, but with Nathan I don’t feel like I need to be. I’m calmer tonight than I have for a very long time, and I have Nathan to thank for that.

  “You're welcome, Florence.”

  The use of that stupid nickname has me rolling my eyes. He only does it because it annoys me, and god does it really annoy me.

  “I'm not the only one you know. Roman cares about you too.”

  With the mention of Roman comes the feeling of guilt that’s been eating away at me recently. I cut him out of my life because I felt lost; I didn’t feel good enough for him. That’s another issue my anxiety forces on me. The feeling of never being enough for anyone or that I’m annoying people by just being around them. Now that my mind is clearer I know that cutting him off has been nothing to do with him or what he’s done, but has everything to do with me. He’s texted me daily but I've ignored every message. I've let jealousy eat away at me and it isn’t fair to him. It’s not his fault that he’s found someone and I haven’t. To blame him for not spending as much time with me is being nothing but childishness. As I say, the downside to anxiety is seeing the worst in every situation and with everyone. “I know he does.”

  “Any chance you could talk to him? I would appreciate it because if I have to take one more phone call from him I'm gonna go insane.”

  I laugh at him, but I hear his message loud and clear. I need to get this sorted with Roman sooner rather than later. “I'm sorry, I know how he can be. I promise to call.”

  He presses his face into the crook of my shoulder, his stubble grazing roughly across my skin and giving me goose bumps. Unfortunately it also makes my dick stir, and I have to bend my leg to try and hide the evidence.
“Since you got to ask a question, I think it’s my turn. Have you lost your razor?” I manage to keep my voice even though laughter is trying to break through.

  I cry out when he attacks my neck and shoulder with his stubble, rubbing hard enough that it will leave a mark. My shock gives way to the laughter that I tried to hold in.

  He gentles his attack, running his lips over the tingling area and we relax back onto the mattress. “Do you not like it?”

  I take a moment to answer, not wanting to blurt out the hell yeah that instantly popped into my head. A clean-shaven Nathan is pretty much perfect, but Nathan with stubble is irresistible. “It’s nice. Makes you look a little like a thug.”

  He digs his fingers gently into my ribs which makes me wriggle in his hold. “I might just keep it then.” He molds his body around mine and I feel him relax behind me. “But I'm tired, so shut up so I can get to sleep.”

  I should argue with him and tell him that he needs to go back to his own room. I should tell him that he can’t sleep in here with me, but I stay silent. I want Nathan to hold me for a while, so I will just enjoy this while I can.

  Chapter 12

  I wake up alone in my bed. I stretch out, enjoying the feeling of my well-rested body. It’s not often I wake up feeling like I've had a good night sleep, especially when it’s the first day after a long shift. I look to the side of bed where Nathan had fallen asleep last night and see his head print still in the pillow. I didn’t notice him leave this morning, but I know that when I woke up briefly just as daylight was breaking over the sky, he was still wrapped around me.

  I push myself up to a sitting position and I smile at how genuinely good I feel. I slept better last night than I have in months, and as much as I would love to convince myself that it was because I finally let all my worries out, I know it wasn’t. I slept because of Nathan. I felt safe in his arms and it let me finally relax.