No Fear

by Heather Allen

  “I’ll talk to him.”

  The air escapes with her words. I’m so relieved. We aren’t there yet, but it’s one more step toward the prize.

  She leans into the table. “I was in love with you. I know now it could never have meant anything. I betrayed you, but I want you to know that I did love you. So yes, I can do this. And I’m sorry about what my father did. He’s dangerous; what I say means very little.”

  “Thank you, Mollie.” I push to stand up but another thought grabs at me. I turn back and ask, “Do you know where Meyer is?”

  She looks up, staring without blinking for a full sixty seconds, before she shakes her head sadly. I’m pretty sure that was a lie, but I won’t push. I leave without another glance back. Now all we can do is wait.

  Chapter 21

  “Dude, Grey, you really want to go through with this?” Jimmy asks me for the tenth time in the last five minutes. I glare at him and his hands shoot into the air, as if it were the most innocent statement he could utter.

  “Hey, just bein’ clear on this. It’s not everyday someone screws with the mob.”

  I shake my head at Jimmy. I can see how this is nerve-wracking for him. I’m sure it took a lot of convincing on Jackson’s part to get him on board. After all, Luciano and his associates have given Jimmy a new way of life. I’m not sure he wants to part ways just yet.

  Jackson rubs my shoulders for a minute as my breath comes out heavily. “It’s all gonna work out, champ; you’ll see.”

  It’s easy for him to say. In less than thirty minutes I’ll be out in the cage making the stand I should have made a long time ago. It’s going to get us all killed or freed. I’m counting on the latter.

  I look again to Jimmy, who’s chewing on his fingernails—always his tell that he’s really feeling the heat.

  “Tell me again Jax, what are this guy’s stats?” Jimmy glances up, seeming to be as interested as I am and maybe assuring himself that we’re doing the right thing. Maybe hoping I lose and he doesn’t have to be involved.

  “Won eight, lost ten.”

  “I really am at the bottom.” The words leave my mouth before I really can think about it. Where I’ve put myself in all of this hits home, just by speaking it out loud.

  “Baby steps, remember.” Jax sees my expression and tries to reassure me.

  I nod, trying to psych myself up. The day after I met with Mollie, I got a call about this fight. I figured she would come through, but there was a tiny bit of doubt. She did it. And on that same call I was also told to lose the match. I was hoping they’d let me win a couple before I decided to actually win them for real, but I can’t go back now.

  As I concentrate on breathing, Trinity walks into the room. Jimmy and Jax greet her and leave us silently. It’s actually odd not to hear any snide comments from Jimmy toward Trinity. He’s a mess already. She looks me up and down a second with exaggeration before laughing. “So are we gonna win this one, Grey?”

  I want in that moment to tell her everything and explain that I was right all along about Parker. I want to tell her that she can’t go through with the wedding, even though it means nothing because they’re already married. But the words don’t come. I can’t break my sister’s heart. Part of my reluctance is because of what she would think of me; she’d be pissed I ever agreed to this. We’re fighters, and I haven’t put up one ounce of fight with Luciano. But we’ve already passed the point where we could turn back. Already there is too much she doesn’t know. So I remain tight-lipped about it. I won’t let the words come.

  “That’s the plan.” I smile, hugging her close.

  “Don’t forget, no regrets and no fear.” She emphasizes her new motto.

  More than any other time, those words mean something to me. I can’t regret any of this, as there’s no time for it. The fear must go away if I’m to go through with this. I chant silently in my head her new mantra, no fear, no fear.

  “Okay, big bro’, I’m gonna go out and make sure Christina has a hand to squeeze.”

  I smile, nodding toward the door. “Thanks, Trin.”

  The room is silent as she leaves, except for my breathing. I feel like I felt that night so long ago when everything changed. The night I won my last amateur fight and I lost it all. The night when it all changed with a deal gone bad and I ended someone’s life. I sink to the bench, closing my eyes, concentrating on breathing in and out, and repeating the mantra over and over. I’ll never be able to go back and make different choices, but I can change things now.

  “Greylan Pace, you’re up.” A voice calls into the room fifteen minutes later.

  I stand, stretching my muscles as I go. This is how it’s supposed to be—unknown, the results a mystery until that final tap. For the first time in a long while, I’m glad I don’t know the outcome of my future. If I have anything to do with it, things are going to take a huge turn.

  I climb up into the cage, glancing over to Jackson, who’s standing a foot away. He leans in. “Grey, this is what it’s all about. Do it.”

  I nod, fitting my mouthpiece in and stepping forward. This is it.

  The man facing me is bald, his hair shaved clean to his shiny head. He is broader than me and shorter. I swing my glance out to the crowd, landing on Christina. Her hand is buried in Trinity’s grasp. She gives me a thumbs up with her other hand. I smile and look back to the guy in front of me. He has crossed the mat, and his fist swings toward my side. I move away as his skin barely brushes my abdomen. My arm moves forward to meet his gut, causing him to double over and knock the wind out of him. I move around his body, sliding my arm around his neck. He arches, grasping my arm with both of his hands, still trying to catch air. He tries to flip me over, but the attempt is futile. My arm tightens. A few more seconds and tapping cascades down my arm. I release him as he gasps for breath. This is fucking ridiculous. I’m angry with myself for ending up here.

  Back at the corner, Jackson whispers, “Two more champ, two more.” I nod. This is too easy. What the hell was I thinking, letting them order me to lose? This is my life and I won’t let anyone else control it. The whistle calls to us right after the judges’ decision names me the winner of the round.

  I’m going through the motions, seeing it all in my mind. It’s a dance I’ve done so many times. I could do it with my eyes closed. We grapple, hands locked on each other’s forearms. One turn on the mat, two turns. In a draw, he loosens his grip and I slam him down. He goes to one knee but scurries back up. He comes at me with a straight kick. What the hell is this guy thinking? I grasp his foot with my arm and twist, causing him to lower onto his other knee. As I pull through my legs, he twists to his back, attempting with his other leg to get out of the hold. I refuse to release him, though. A surprised look crosses his face as he realizes that I’m not going to throw it. He tries again to get away, but my hold is tight. I twist the opposite way and his hand comes down furiously onto the mat. I back away, letting his leg fall. The anger in me rises, knowing that he is just another pawn they control in their game.

  The judges give the referee the results and again I’m named the winner. The guy on the floor, though, doesn’t get up. A medic steps up, helping him to his feet. He says something to baldy as he helps him to the corner and gestures to the ref. A few minutes pass as the referee consults with the judges. Finally, he calls me to the center of the cage and announces that I’m the winner of this fight. My heart was beating fast from the adrenaline. Now it does double time with the realization that it’s done. I did it. What happens next is all up to Luciano. I pray that he lets this one go. I’m counting on it, in fact.

  Yells call through the room. It warms me for a change to be on the opposite side, the winning side. I look over at my ‘family.’ They all seem happy, maybe a little apprehensive. I can’t blame them, and I can’t let any of this affect them. Jimmy sits silently, a few chairs down from them. He’s working his finger in the corner of his mouth, seeming to be in a daze. It hits me then, and I wonder if h
e was in deep like Meyer. Will he have to get lost like Meyer did?

  When the arena empties, I leave the locker room to find Jimmy and Christina speaking to one another. Parker and Trinity are standing close by, waiting as well. Jackson stayed in the holding room with me. We all vowed not to be left alone, now that everything is set into motion. Of course, the reality is that if they send someone to do something, it won’t matter whether we’re together or not. It makes me feel better, anyway.

  Jackson and I walk over to where Jimmy and Christina are talking. Trinity urges Parker over to us. He glares when I meet his gaze. Since when did he know every move Luciano makes? I knew he was involved in all this, but he can’t know the results of every fight. This can’t have any effect on any of his fights. I’m too far away from him in the line-up. Trinity throws her arms around my neck. “See Grey, I knew you could do it. No fear, right?”

  I shift my eyes from Parker to look down at her as she steps back. “No fear, Trinity. No time for that, right?”

  She smiles ear to ear. This is the way it’s supposed to be. I shake away the Parker thing. He’ll get over whatever it is. My arm slides around Christina and I kiss her neck near her ear. My breath brings goose bumps as I whisper, “We did it.” She turns to me, smiling, but her face quickly changes. Fear shows on her features, and her eyes look past me.

  A voice behind me puts the hairs along my neck on end. I turn to meet those green eyes that mirror Mollie’s. Luciano claps me on the back as he steps up into our small group. He looks from one to the other among my ‘family.’ then shifts his steely stare at me.

  “Congratulations, Greylan. That was a long awaited win.”

  I nod, “Yes, it definitely was.”

  “Well good. Enjoy the win.” He looks around the group again and turns, striding away without a backward glance. The first person I look to is Parker. He glowers, as if he’s ashamed. My hands clench, I just want to hit him. He’s rotten, and all this crap he’s allowing my sister to be in the center of...Christina grabs my hand and pries my fingers free. She urges, “Let it go.”

  Jimmy breaks any awkwardness, his voice shaky. “Well then…um…let’s go and get this celebration started.” He takes Christina’s other hand and loops it through his arm. I follow as we all leave the arena. I know it shouldn’t feel as good as it does, especially after Luciano’s warning, but I can’t help it. This is the way it’s supposed to feel every time. I’m supposed to be able to choose.

  Trinity and Parker take their own car, agreeing to meet us for a drink. Once Jax and Jimmy have closed us all in the car, Jimmy gives a long whistle. “Oh man, we got lucky. He could have…shit, I don’t know what he could have done. But we got a pass. He’s gonna let this one go. Holy shit, it was intense. Oh man, I don’t know if I can go through with this.”

  He’s scared to death. The words he utters don’t make any sense. “Jimmy, hey, it’s alright. We did it, it’s over.”

  “But man, I don’t think I can take this shit. My heart can’t take it.”

  I’ve never seen his confidence seep away like this. I want to give him a pass, tell him it’s best if he’s not involved. I can’t. We might need him later, and he’s just as much a part of this as the rest of us. Luciano made sure I saw him look at each and every one of them. It was a silent warning. Because of that, a huge part of me wants to cower back with Jimmy and forget the whole thing. I don’t want anything to happen to them. But I know I can’t. I can’t let them control my life or the life of anyone who’s important to me.

  I know his words are right, but I dismiss them. Jimmy has to bring himself down. Anything I say won’t help.

  But something else is bothering me—Parker and his attitude. Of course, that’s nothing new about him, but my win shouldn’t have any effect on him.

  To take Jimmy’s mind away, I ask, “Jimmy, where does this put me? How close am I to challenging Parker?”

  Silence spreads in the car. I wasn’t going to tell them what I was hoping for beyond our original plan, but I think I misinterpreted where I am with this win. Maybe it’ll happen.

  “Grey, that’s not a good idea. It doesn’t matter.” Jimmy dismisses my question. He actually sounds like he’s about to lose it.

  “How many wins do I need?” I persist.

  “Grey, you know better than anyone, it depends.”

  I wait him out. I didn’t see the other fights earlier in the night, so I don’t know where I am in the line-up. Jackson is quiet, probably waiting to see where I’m going with this. I can see Jimmy wrestling with himself.

  “Grey, just two more, okay, only two. Some of the others we thought would win tonight didn’t. It pushes you up there, if you keep winning.” He adds, “But we agreed, we’d talk and make decisions as we end each fight. You can’t fight Parker. That’ll get us all killed.”

  I’m at a loss for words. And suddenly my goal has changed. I look to Christina’s worried expression, and her accusation from weeks ago hits me. My pride is getting in the way. I’m not sure I can stop it from happening, though. I’ve wanted at my sister’s husband from the moment I met him.

  Jackson says his first words since I won. “We might have to alter the plan, just a little.”

  I don’t look his way, because I know we’re both thinking the same thing. A smile creeps to my lips.

  Jimmy shakes his head, his eyes darting from left to right like a mouse being pursued. It reminds me of Meyer’s reaction. What did we all just get ourselves into, and what does Jimmy know that he’s not telling us?

  Chapter 22

  Drinks with Trinity and Parker are strained at best. He seems on edge the whole night. I know why, because I feel almost the same. I don’t want the alcohol to loosen anyone’s tongue and let Trinity in on our little situation. At least I think that’s his problem. It might have something to do with my fight, though. I’m sure he realizes where I am in the line-up.

  After a few drinks, it’s Trinity who’s beginning to say things I’d hoped wouldn’t come up.

  “Hey, did you guys see the look on Luciano’s face tonight after the fight? He actually looked surprised that you won¸ Grey. I think you should win them all now. Show him what it’s all about. Now you got it back.”

  I wish it were as easy as she says. I glance at Parker. He looks like he’s about to lose it. He’s angry that I put him in this position. I get that, but he’d better get used to it.

  He whispers, but the rest of us can hear him. “Baby, maybe we should go.”

  Her eyes narrow in contemplation and she looks over at Christina, who has been unusually quiet. “Hey, what’s everyone so somber about? We just won; my brother just kicked that guy’s ass in two rounds, and you all look like your dog died.”

  Parker squeezes her arm, encouraging, “Hey, I think we should leave.”

  Trinity’s eyes dart around the room, her anger rising. They land on me. “What the hell Grey? What are you guys not telling me?” She moves back from Parker, whose arm drops to the table, and scans his face.

  The expression on her face changes instantly. “Holy shit, you two are gonna battle it out, aren’t you?” She looks back at me in question. “Grey, you and Parker, will that happen?”

  I keep my stare on her. I won’t look at anyone else, because I’d lose my resolve. “It looks that way, Trin.” I try for an upbeat tone.

  Parker stands abruptly, his chair toppling over backwards. He towers over the rest of us, fists clenched. I glance up with the challenge. It’s gonna happen, and I’m not going to do a thing about it. Jackson stands, trying to calm him. Jimmy leans back in his chair, with worry all over his face. And a warm hand grabs mine under the table as words are whispered in my ear. “You, Rookie, are so bad.” I can’t help but smile at Christina’s comment. I’d like to tell Trinity more, about all the shit Parker and I are in; it feels right, like a nagging at me that won’t go away unless I say the words. But I lose my chance

  Trinity stands and places her hand against Parke
r’s chest, as if she can keep him from jumping across the table at me. She looks between us, defeated, and apologizes. “Sorry guys, I think we better go.” A scowl crosses her face as she turns away. I want to tell her not to give up. This isn’t like my sister. She never throws fights, unlike myself. But I won’t, because the best place for her is not here right now.

  Parker’s eyes narrow even more. I know he wants to say things but can’t. A part of me is glad he can’t, but his look says that we aren’t done. No, we definitely aren’t. He stalks off toward the door. I take that as a cue to say goodbye to my sister. She moves into my embrace when I stand up. “I’m so proud of you, Grey.” I kiss the top of her head before releasing her.

  She hesitates a minute before turning to leave. After a few steps she turns back. “It’s going to be hard if you two fight. I’m not sure how I feel about it.”

  “It’ll all work out, Trin; you’ll see.” My words seem to put her at ease for the moment. She walks out the door, no doubt to let Parker have it. This makes me happy; the prick deserves it.

  Everyone at the table starts talking at once. I lean back watching as they all hash it out. Jackson is completely in favor of the fight that is undoubtedly going to happen. Christina and Jimmy are against anything that puts me at any more risk. I don’t add any of my own thoughts.

  I have a feeling things are going to happen very fast, now that we’ve set things into motion. This was just the beginning as well as the end, in some ways. I’ve come to terms with that, though. Having Christina now has made things look so different.

  Jimmy lets out a big sigh after thirty minutes of arguing. He sets his hands along the edge of the table before draining the last of his beer and placing it dramatically down on the table with a loud thump.

  His eyes dart between Jackson and me a few times before the words leave his lips. “What the hell are we going to do? Really, this can’t happen between Parker and you, Grey. Think about it.”