Self Destruct

by K. D. Carrillo

  I tipped my face up to look over my shoulder at Aiden. “I’m getting there,” I answered honestly. “You have a strong support system. You're very lucky.” I laid my head against Aiden’s chest. “I know.”

  “Son of a fucking bitch!” Aiden shouted as soon as Officer Martin left. “I can’t believe that cock-sucker is out already,” he continued to rant. “Aiden,” Jeremy tried to get his attention.

  There was a buzzing in my brain. I started to feel dizzy again, but before I could faint Aiden was back wrapping his arms around me.

  “Com’on let’s still go get something to eat,” Aiden said steering me toward the door. Toni grabbed my coat and was trying to shove my arms into it. “I’m not very hungry,” I said weakly.

  “Bullshit Becca, you were starving a little bit ago. We aren’t going to let that piece of shit ruin another day for us.” "He's right Becca. No more going down the rabbit hole. You need food. Now," Toni ordered, and gave my coat one more tug. Jeremy looked like he was going to plot against me too. I realized they were probably right, I agreed.

  32

  Aiden

  The last few weeks had been absolute shit. Don't get me wrong. It was still the best time of my life. Each day with Becca was the best day of my life, but watching her try to move past her attack was torture.

  The guilt weighed heavily on me, because Nick was a friend I had allowed into our house. I knew, deep down I knew, he was capable of this. I didn't want to believe it, but I knew, and I was too big of a chicken shit to throw him out. I’ll never fail her like that again.

  My attitude was part of the reason the last few weeks had been so shitty. I hovered after her classes and when she got off work. She just smiled at me, but I knew I was smothering her.

  Becca was an angel. She recognized I needed to look after her, to fight some of the helplessness I felt when she was overdosing on the drugs he gave her.

  I remembered everything Becca told me about how she coped with her assault as a teenager. I noticed she was barely eating, and I was afraid she was torturing herself again.

  She was already so small. She had mouthwatering curves, but proportionate to her tiny body. She couldn't afford to loose a single pound. I didn't think she was trying to lose weight, but it seemed I had to remind her to eat. I’d heard Toni doing it too. Luckily, Thanksgiving was in less than a week. It gave me a good excuse to force some more food on her.

  “Any idea how you want to spend the holidays?” I asked her the Saturday morning before Thanksgiving break. “I don’t care as long as I get to spend it with you,” she answered with a yawn.

  “Hey sleepy head, you can’t be tired. You fell asleep during the movie last night at like nine, and it is ten in the morning now. You've had thirteen hours of sleep,” I pointed out.

  “I know. I’ve been exhausted lately, and now I’m waking up tired. Maybe I’m getting too much sleep,” she considered. Or maybe it was the lack of food. I bit back making that comment, but barely. I was definitely going to stuff her full of food for days.

  “What do you usually do for Thanksgiving?” I asked. Here I was engaged to the girl, and I had no idea what she did for holidays. I hope she didn't become super religious.

  I have nothing against churchgoers, but it seems hypocritical to only go on special occasions. Or what if she wears holiday sweaters? I shuddered just thinking about sweaters decorated with bells, or stuffed reindeer antlers sticking off the shoulders.

  “Since I’ve been here at Central I’ve usually joined the orphans for at least one of the holidays. Mostly Thanksgiving, and I only go home for Christmas day,” she answered, thankfully interrupting my mental image of ugly sweaters.

  “Orphans?” I asked confused. She giggled. “Not actual orphans, it's what those of us that didn’t have anywhere to go started calling ourselves. Well, didn’t have anywhere we wanted to go is more accurate.”

  “Sounds fun actually. Can I invite my dad?” I asked interested. “Yeah, that sounds great. Uh, what will your mom do?” she asked nervously. “Something else,” I mumbled.

  It turned out there were a lot of “orphans” in our group. Toni was in for reasons that weren’t clear. Becca told me not to ask. There was obviously a story there, but no one wanted to tell it. I'm not even sure they knew why.

  Kate and Cameron were joining us, because apparently they actually were orphans. I hadn’t realized they lost their parents during their last year of high school.

  Jeremy decided to join us, and not only because Cameron would be there. Jeremy didn’t want to spend another holiday confirming, to his parents’ disappointment, that he was in fact, still gay.

  After lunch Becca fell asleep again. I reached over and covered her with a blanket, and my phone started to ring. I answered without looking, because I was trying not to wake up Becca. I should remember not to do that again. That's how I always ended up talking to my mother.

  "I finally got you on the phone,” my mother huffed. “Hi mom,” I answered grudgingly. “Aiden, darling, we need to discuss holiday plans. I would like for you to be home on Wednesday night. I invited the Prestons over for Thanksgiving dinner. They should arrive for cocktails around four.”

  “You know that isn’t going to work out, Mom,” I sighed wearily. “Oh Aiden don’t be such a boor. We have celebrated Thanksgiving with the Prestons for years. I’m sure your little friend won’t mind. She’ll be with her family anyway,” she said dismissively.

  “She’s my fiancée mother, and we will be together wherever we are," I explained through clenched teeth. “Well that really isn’t going to work with our plans dear. I don’t think Vanessa would be very comfortable eating with, uh your friend,” she chided.

  “Fiancée, mother. It really doesn’t matter, because I wouldn't be comfortable around Vanessa. I won’t be there,” I told her.

  “You didn’t really ask that girl to marry you did you?” she asked disdainfully. “Yes, and we live together too,” I answered honestly. I was tired of her selfish attempts to manage my life.

  “I don’t appreciate your sense of humor,” she admonished. “Good thing I’m not joking then, huh?” I snapped.

  “Frank!” she screamed away from the phone. “Did you know Aiden proposed to that girl? What are we going to do?” His voice came through slightly muffled. “He already called and told us he was engaged,” my father reminded her.

  “Do something,” she insisted. "Alright Nadine. I'll send a card," he said, purposefully misunderstanding her. "You know that isn't what I meant!" she hissed. "Hand me the phone," he insisted.

  I heard the sounds of the phone being passed off, and my father’s irritated sigh. “Hi dad,” I greeted. I was actually happy to talk to him. “Hey son. What are you going to do for the holidays?

  “I’m not coming home for Thanksgiving. I can’t take much more of mom’s shit. I won't be away from Becca. Especially not now, and I won't spend another break with Vanessa.

  I don’t want to put you in a bad situation, but a bunch of us are planning to have Thanksgiving dinner here at our house. Becca and I would like it if you would join us. If you want to stay and have a society holiday, fine, but I wanted to extend the invitation,” I offered.

  He paused for a minute. “I might take you up on that.” “Good. If you do, leave her home. Becca and I need to minimize stress for a bit. She’s worrying me actually. I don’t think she's eating enough. She's tired and sick all of the time. I don’t know what's going on,” I confided.

  I told my dad about Becca's past when he was here last. He was worried about our relationship moving so fast, and we talked about a lot of things. I'll never forget what he said.

  "Pain can be a bonding experience, but healing can be also. Rebecca needed someone to trust with her heart, and so did you. It probably gave you both the courage to step outside of your usual behavior. I've never believed in soul mates before, but the two of you give me hope it does exist."

  “Aiden, are you there?" my dad asked, and
snapped me out of reminiscing. "Sorry, I'm still here."

  "I was saying, Rebecca has been through a lot of trauma lately. What Nick tried to do probably brought back feelings of helplessness. She might just be escaping into herself to allow her mind to heal. Encourage her to speak to someone, and give her time,” my dad advised.

  “She is seeing a therapist here at the university,” I told him. “Then time is what she needs. There are other factors that could be causing the symptoms.”

  “Like what?” I asked on the verge of panic. What if she had cancer or some other terminal illness? Almost losing her made it clear to me that I couldn't live without her. I might be alive without her, but it would never feel like living.

  “Are the two of you, you know, careful?” my dad asked. “You mean like birth control? Yeah, she’s on the pill,” I answered.

  “Good, the last thing you need is another accident,” he lectured. “Honestly dad, I would be relieved if whatever is going on with her was an unplanned pregnancy. That I could handle.

  A second ago I was afraid you were going to say she should get tested for cancer. I’m in this relationship for the long term, and Becca isn’t Vanessa. I’m not worried,” I said, calming down.

  “You still haven’t graduated college, and you aren’t married yet. Yes, Becca is different than Vanessa, but that doesn’t mean she wants to be a mother right now either. Your relationship might be serious, but an unplanned pregnancy can destroy it,” my dad cautioned.

  “I love and trust her dad. She wouldn’t do to me what Vanessa did,” I assured him. “Who said I was worried about you? She is a twenty-one-year-old girl. There is a big difference between finding the love of your life, and becoming a mother. The two of you still have some living to do before you settle down,” he countered.

  “Are you against me now too?” I asked. “No son, you misunderstood what I said. I think the two of you are perfect for each other, and are mature enough to be married. I think you should enjoy some time alone together, married, before you become parents,” he explained.

  “Sorry, I overreacted. Talking to mom makes me pissed.” “Happens to the best of us. Believe me I understand,” he sympathized.

  33

  Rebecca

  “Hey girls. Can I help?” I asked Toni and Kate, who were frantically preparing Thanksgiving dinner. “Yeah, can you check to see if the turkey timer has popped?” Kate asked. I grabbed the nearest potholder, and opened the oven. The smell of roasting meat hit me, and I raced to bathroom to throw-up.

  Kate entered the bathroom behind me, and gently rubbed my back. “How ya feelin’?” I rinsed my mouth out and brushed my teeth. “Uhh, I’ve been better. Shouldn’t I be better by now?” I asked.

  “Yeah," Kate looked down at her feet. "When was your last period?” I thought for a second. Shit, when was my last period? “I guess it was three weeks ago.” “You guess it was?” she pushed. “It was, but it was really short,” I clarified.

  She pursed her lips and tapped her finger against them, like she always did when she was working through a complicated problem. “You have been through a lot of stress, and you haven’t been eating very well. You could be anemic. I would like for you to get checked out to be sure. Maybe we should go get a pregnancy test just to rule it out,” she suggested.

  “I suppose that would be a good idea. But I’m on the pill and I've taken it faithfully." She patted me on the hand. I knew she was humoring me, but I was glad she was taking charge and helping me figure out what was wrong with me.

  “Hey Toni,” Kate shouted, “how long do we have until dinner is ready?” “Probably another two hours,” Toni hollered back. “Becca and I are going to make a run to the store. Do you need anything?” “Yeah, get some more wine,” Toni shouted back.

  "Wait we have everything we need," Toni said coming into the bathroom. One look at my pale skin, and she came to the same conclusion Kate had. "I'll get my coat."

  The first few stores we tried to go to were closed. I don’t know what we expected, since it was Thanksgiving. We finally found a drug store that was open. Kate started to drag me off to the family planning isle, when we saw Jake looking at condoms. Looks like he moved on, thank God, now if he would just move along so I could die of embarrassment.

  “Hi Becca,” Jake greeted, and then realized what we were looking at. Kate was holding two different brands of pregnancy tests, and Toni was reading the back of another. Jake’s brows drew together, and he stared at me like he could see a fetus growing in my stomach. “So, uh, how are things?” he asked awkwardly.

  Kill me, kill me now. Kate realized that I was getting embarrassed looking at pregnancy tests near someone I knew. Hell, if I see someone I know when I go to buy tampons I ditch them and come back later.

  Toni noticed the awkward silence, and saved Kate and me from our social unease. “Oh, uh these are mine. Yep, Becca is a great friend. I just have no idea which one to buy. Not that she has experience with this. No, not her, I mean she was a vir…” I pinched her to shut her up. Mean I know, but it had to be done.

  “Sorry,” she muttered. “Aren’t you a nurse?” Jake asked Kate. "Couldn't you have taught your friends about birth control?" He looked directly and me and gave me a sad smile.

  Bastard couldn’t let me believe he bought Toni's horrible attempt at lying. “I sure am. And as a nurse I have to applaud your efforts to have safe sex,” she said, gesturing with a pregnancy test toward his box of condoms.

  Jake’s face turned red, and he laughed slightly. “If only these were for me. My dad started seeing a much younger woman, and I really don’t want any siblings that could be my children.” “Oh no,” Kate gasped and giggled. “Please tell me you aren’t buying rubbers for your dad!”

  They were both blushing and dragging out this humiliating encounter. Hell’s bells they were hitting it off. “So, Jake, if things get too uncomfortable you are welcome to join us for dessert. Kate is off from the hospital tonight,” I hinted, and not very subtly. “My younger brother is in town. I wouldn’t want to leave him with the old man and the gold digger,” he declined.

  “How much younger?” I asked. “He’s twenty-two.” “Is he gay?” Toni asked. Finally she was picking up on my scheming. “No,” Jake answered. “Hey you never know,” I shrugged.

  "Well, I have to get back to finish cooking. Yep, it is just Kate, Becca, and me. No single men to entertain me," Toni hinted strongly. “Ah I see. So If I were to get fed up watching my dad mac on a thirty-year-old woman I should come over, and bring my brother?” Jake asked for clarification.

  “Now he gets it. Kate, give the man your number while we go pay for this,” Toni ordered. I grabbed one of the boxes from her hands and left her to set a date.

  Back in the car Kate shook her head, but I could tell she was happy. “You two are very proud of yourselves right now, aren’t you?” Kate scolded. “Mmhmm, I boldly purchased a pregnancy test, and set you up with a very attractive and very sweet guy.” Then it hit me again, I bought a pregnancy test. Shit, I needed a pregnancy test. Kate saw my face pale, and patted my shoulder reassuringly.

  “You wouldn’t mind if I went out with him?” Kate asked tentatively. “No, I really wouldn’t. He's a great guy. He just wasn’t the guy for me. Maybe the two of you will hit it off. We might have went out a few times, but there was never anything between us,” I assured. “Really, nothing? I mean look at him,” she sighed. I chuckled. “We never even kissed.”

  Kate ran in and hid my pregnancy test, while Toni rushed to finish dinner. I made it as far as the table, where Toni pointed for me to sit.

  Kate opened a can of ginger ale and pushed it toward me. I lifted an eyebrow at her, but took a drink without arguing.

  Toni, Kate and I suggested the guys go play football while we finished cooking. Aiden’s dad showed up, as they were getting ready to leave. I knew he was invited, but I didn’t expect he would actually leave Nadine to spend the holiday with us.

  "The men are
gone, time to go find out if you have a bun in the oven," Toni shooed me toward the bathroom. "Really? Cooking analogies?" Kate asked. "Hush you. Becca go, while we have the house to ourselves," Toni ordered.

  "I want to wait until later," I procrastinated. "Why not now?" Kate asked, in agreement with Toni. "I want to talk to Aiden, and have him there with me," I explained.

  Kate shrugged. "Makes sense to me," she said. "Fine, but you are doing this today," Toni said, pointing her finger at me emphatically. She stuck the test back in its hiding spot in the linen closet, and we went back to pretending nothing was wrong.

  Just before dinner was ready four very sweaty men came back from the park. “Did you have fun?” I asked Aiden. “This is the best Thanksgiving I have ever had,” Aiden professed.

  “We haven’t even eaten yet,” I pointed out. He kissed me, once softly on the lips. “Doesn’t matter,” he muttered, against my mouth. “I have you, which makes this the best Thanksgiving ever.”

  “Have you eaten today?” he inquired. I nodded. “Were you able to keep anything down?” he pressed. I stared at him in shock. What did he know? I shook my head no. Aiden pressed his forehead into my neck and took a deep breath. “You aren’t making yourself sick are you?” he asked, with his lips vibrating against my skin.

  “What? You think I’m making myself sick? I take it you haven’t imagined any other alternative?” I fumed. “Like what?” he asked. I reached into Kate’s bag and pulled out the second pregnancy test. You know, in case the first turned purple instead of blue or pink.

  Aiden exhaled like he was relieved. Weird. “Oh thank God!” he exclaimed. I reached my hand out and touched his forehead. “I was afraid you were coming down with some horrible disease, or…” he trailed off.

  “Or I was purposefully hurting myself?” I challenged. “Sorry Red. I know I’ve been driving you crazy, but I just can’t imagine living without you.”

  We hid the box in our room and had dinner. As soon as everyone else slipped into a food coma, Aiden and I disappeared into our room so that I take the pregnancy test.