Self Destruct

by K. D. Carrillo

  We talked about everything and nothing waiting the endless three minutes for the test results. His cell timer went off, and I went to look at the test. I went for the easiest test to read of the two kinds I bought. It would read “Pregnant” or “Not Pregnant,” pretty simple. I looked over and it said “Not Pregnant.”

  I showed it to Aiden. “That’s good right?” I asked. He shrugged. “Yeah, except, if you aren’t pregnant what has been making you so sick?”

  “I’ll schedule a doctor’s appointment on Monday,” I promised. “I love you Becca. I’m probably going to annoy the shit out of you until we know what is making you sick.”

  “You're sweet, not annoying,” I said and yawned. “Go to sleep, you might not be pregnant, but you have been sick. You need rest.” He kissed me on the head, and snuggled me next to his side until I fell asleep.

  34

  Aiden

  I rubbed Becca's arm. “Wake up Red. Time to get ready for class.” “I hate Mondays,” she whined. “I know Becca, but you have class, and you need to make a doctor’s appointment before you go.”

  She started moaning. Suddenly she jerked upright, threw the covers off, and ran for the bathroom. I pulled her hair away from her face, and slowly rubbed a circle on her back. “Maybe you should stay home today,” I suggested. “Can’t, quiz,” she replied, swallowing hard trying to stop puking.

  I scooped her up and gently placed her back in the middle of our bed. I went and brought her more ginger ale, and carefully sat down next to her. I grabbed my phone off of my nightstand, and dialed campus directory.

  Becca’s insurance was barely better than the state policy, and we had a really good school clinic. I called the front desk, and thankfully they allowed me to make her an appointment.

  I really wanted to talk her out of going to class, but she was too stubborn to see reason. “At least stay home from work,” I argued. “If the doctor tells me I need to stay in and rest, I will. Promise,” she conceded. “If that is the best deal I’m gonna get, I’ll take it,” I agreed.

  I leaned against the car drinking a cup of coffee waiting for her to step outside. “Aiden you don’t have to take me to school,” she said. I opened the passenger door to my car. “Just get in stubborn.”

  I expected an argument. I was learning Becca liked to take care of herself. As much as I wanted to look after her, spoil her, and protect her, Becca was determined to stand on her own. It was extremely frustrating, but I also loved that about her.

  “What are you going to do while I’m in class? You only have one class today, and it isn’t for hours,” Becca asked. I tipped her face up with my index finger and gave her a gentle kiss. “I’d wait forever for you. One hour is nothing,” I answered.

  Jake was waiting for Becca when we walked up to the Language and Literature building. My jaw clenched, but Jake didn’t seem to notice my irritation, probably because it disappeared almost as soon as he started talking.

  “Hey Becca, do you know when Kate’s day off is? I called her the other day and left a message, but I haven’t heard from her.” Before I was with Becca, I might have laughed, and called him a pussy. Looking down at the fiery temptress standing next to me I could understand the desperation to see, touch, or just talk to one particular girl.

  Becca laughed lightly. “She works nights. She's on almost every weekend, and Monday nights too. She will be off the rest of the week, but she will be tired and trying to catch up on homework tomorrow.” Jake nodded, seemingly relieved.

  “I like him with Kate. He's a nice guy,” I said when he entered the building. “It doesn’t have anything to do with the fact he is no longer interested in me, does it?” Becca teased. “It sure as hell doesn’t hurt,” I answered honestly.

  Waiting an hour for Becca wasn’t hard. I went next door to the library and got quite a bit of reading done. I made it back a few minutes early to sneak a cigarette. I had mostly quit the habit, but stress made me relapse. The last few weeks with my family, former friend, ex-girlfriend, and Becca being sick were wearing me thin. If I hadn’t felt the need to grab a smoke I might have missed what happened next.

  I saw two men in department store suits, trying to figure out which door to enter in the ground floor courtyard of the Language building. I’m from Seattle, and I don’t usually approach strangers. Something about these two though made me anxious enough to check them out. “Can I help you?” I asked. “Uh, do you know where we might find the English Department?” one of the men asked.

  “Yeah, it's upstairs. Which professor are you looking for?” I pushed. “We are trying to locate a student actually. We only know she attends this university, and is an English major,” the other suit answered.

  “I know a lot of English majors. Maybe I can help,” I offered. Inside, my mind was screaming that they were looking for Becca. I intended to find out why before they found her.

  “We are looking for a junior, Rebecca Scott, do you know her?” one of the men asked. “I do actually,” I said without giving them any information.

  Shit! “What did you want with her?” I asked, fighting my unease. “That is information we are only authorized to discuss with Miss Scott,” suit number two huffed. “Well, too bad. You see Miss Scott is my fiancée and I’m not very inclined to letting you near her unless you tell me what the fuck you want,” I seethed.

  The first suit, obviously sent to play good cop, answered me. “Miss Scott has been listed as a witness for the prosecution in criminal case against Dr. Vincent James in Pueblo, Colorado. We need to interview her to prepare our defense strategy.”

  “Thank you for your honesty. Give me your card, and I will talk to her. I’ll be honest with you in return. If there is any legal way to prevent her from talking to you I am going to help her find it,” I told him. Suit number two’s head snapped up. I’d pissed him off. Good, because I was going to protect Becca from every hurt I could, even old ones.

  “Listen here, our client has a legal right to address his accusers. Miss Scott will make herself available to answer our questions, and we expect her to do so today. Why don’t you do her a favor and just give us her number?” suit number two bullied.

  I laughed. “You two must think I’m fucking stupid. No, I’m not going to give you her number. We will contact the prosecutor and get instructions from her.”

  “Mr… I’m sorry I didn’t catch your name,” suit one said. “I didn’t give it,” I answered simply. Suit two opened his mouth to spew more bullshit, and I raised my hands to stop him.

  “As nice as this chat has been I have an appointment with my professor. If you aren’t going to give me your contact information then I don’t have anything else to say.”

  I ran up the stairs. I wanted to intercept Becca before she came down. I planned to take her out the opposite wing to keep her away from those two parasites.

  On my way up the stairs I stopped into the History Department and reported two suspicious men loitering in the courtyard. I was prepared to tell Becca a small part of the truth, lying to her was out of the question. But I wouldn't tell her anything until after her doctor’s appointment.

  When she came out the classroom she looked pale and tired. I didn’t have to use an excuse to lead her the direction I wanted her to go. I was getting pissed she kept fighting me about going to school and work. She was obviously too sick to even sit through one class. I didn’t want to piss her off, but I wanted to make sure the doctor knew how sick she had been lately.

  “Can I come in to your appointment with you?” I asked. She nodded weakly. “As long as the doctor doesn’t stop you.” “Are you ok?” I asked concerned. “I’m so tired I don’t know how I’m even moving,” she admitted.

  When we got to the edge of the parking lot I swept her up into my arms. “Aiden,” she protested feebly. “Red, for once just let me take care of you,” I demanded. “Ok,” she gave in.

  She was letting me take care of her. She would probably still fight me about going to class and
work. I didn't expect her to give in completely, but it was a compromise that could work for us.

  35

  Rebecca

  I was glad the doctor allowed Aiden into the room with me. I was afraid I would forget something I needed to tell the doctor, or forget what the doctor said to me. The nurse went through all of the usual procedures. She took my blood pressure, weight, height, and temperature.

  The doctor came in and I explained how I had been feeling. Naturally he asked if I could be pregnant. I explained that I hadn't had a real period for about five weeks, but I took a pregnancy test and it was negative.

  “Well, Rebecca, I am going to order some tests for you so we can figure out what is wrong. First I want to have you take a blood test to rule out pregnancy. Home pregnancy tests are typically very accurate, but they can give false negatives.

  There are many reasons for it, but the best way to clear that up is with a blood test. I am also going to test you for anemia and check your blood sugar. A lab tech will be in to draw blood, and we will have the results for you by Wednesday morning at the latest.”

  Aiden was very quiet after we left the clinic. I felt irritation, anger and restlessness rolling off him in waves. I wasn’t sure what sparked his mood swing, but it felt centered on me. We pulled up at home and I practically jumped out of the car. His mood had me feeling strung tight. I felt like screaming or crying, or maybe both at the same time.

  “I have to get to class. Can you just stay here? We need to talk when I get home,” Aiden said, before getting back in his car. What an ass, he didn’t even wait for me to respond. Well I had to work. I felt like snapping a salute, but he’d be pissed off enough when he came home and I wasn’t here.

  I walked into our room and threw a change of clothes in a backpack. I could tell that Aiden was rethinking our relationship. There was just so much drama around us, and I was the cause of most of it. He shouldn’t have to put up with all of my shit. I love him more than words, but I wasn’t going to stick around and beg him to love me back.

  I fought tears all the way to Toni’s. I called the library to see if they needed me to come in, but they had already found me a fill in. Having nowhere I had to go, I drove to my best friend’s and broke down.

  “What’s wrong sweetie?” Toni consoled. I told her about the doctor’s office, and how I hadn't gotten better. “And Aiden said we need to talk,” I sobbed. “Oh, honey that doesn’t mean…sure it usually does, but…shit,” she stumbled.

  “I know right?” I agreed. “What is the plan then? Hide from him? You know you will have to face this eventually.”

  “I know, Toni. I need to find my courage, then I’ll face this.” I yawned. “Maybe my courage is behind my eye-lids, I think I’ll start there,” I said as my eyes closed.

  The doorbell rang, which was weird, because our friends usually knocked once then entered. “Are you expecting company?” I asked. “No. I’ll go see who it is. Just go lay down on the couch, you like warmed over death.”

  “Can I help you?” Toni asked in an uncharacteristically annoyed tone. “We are looking for Rebecca Scott. We were told she lives here,” a male voice said from the porch. That got my attention. I forgot all about my desperate need for sleep, well almost forgot.

  "Your information is wrong. Rebecca moved out in September,” Toni told them. Why didn't she just come get me? Hmm, she obviously didn't want them to see me. I decided to listen from the couch.

  “Do you know where we might find Miss Scott?” a different male voice asked. “I might, but I’m only going to tell you if you explain why you are looking for her,” Toni demanded.

  “We are attorneys for Dr. Vincent James, and have some questions for Miss Scott regarding an upcoming legal matter,” one of the men blandly explained. “Tell you what, I’ll pass along a message. Give me your card and I will give it to her. It is the best I’m going to offer you,” Toni stated.

  Dr. James, him, dammit all to hell. Why did he send lawyers to talk to me? The Pueblo County prosecutor hasn’t even called me. My ears started ringing, and I felt cold. I didn’t hear Toni shut the front door, or the snick of the lock sliding home.

  I noticed the room slant to the right, very slowly. I tipped my head to make the room look straight, and felt the floor move to the left. I swallowed hard, as vomit moved up my throat. Everything went black, and I let go. No worry, no fear, no him.

  36

  Aiden

  “Toni slow down, I can’t understand you. Why are you at the hospital?” I asked, as I walked into my house. I finally noticed Becca’s car was gone. She usually parked on the street in front of the house, while Jeremy and I parked in back. The motion lights made it safer coming and going late at night from the front than in the back, because it was perpetually cast in shadow.

  “Aiden, did you hear me? Becca passed out, she's at the hospital,” Toni said in a rush. “What!” I shouted. “She was really upset when she showed up. Are you planning on breaking up with her?” Toni confronted me.

  “What? Fuck no. Why do you think that?” I demanded. “I didn’t until she said you told her that you ‘had to talk’. Anyway, these two guys in cheap suits showed up. I snowballed them, but she was around the corner listening and something about what they said caused her to faint,” she explained.

  “God dammit! That was what we needed to talk about. I ran into those two bloodsuckers when she was in her writing class. I wanted to warn her about them, but she seemed so weak after her appointment. I decided to leave her to get some rest and go to class. You know what, we’ll talk when I get there. I’m on my way.”

  My hands were shaking violently. I was uncomfortable driving, even a few blocks. “Jeremy!” I screamed. He walked out of the office, where he had holed himself up while writing his term paper for his senior history seminar.

  He took one look at me and grabbed his keys off the hook by the back door. “Where are we going?” he asked. “The hospital, Becca passed out,” I answered. “She’s going to be fine,” Jeremy reassured me.

  I ran into the waiting room just as the doctor came out to tell Toni how she was doing. “We really need to stop meeting like this,” the doctor teased. Thank god, he seemed to be in a much better mood than last time.

  “Do you know what is wrong with her?” I asked. “Yeah, this time it was very simple. She is awake now. You can go back. If Rebecca doesn't object, I’ll tell both of you at the same time,” the doctor said.

  I followed him down the mint green and mustard speckled hallway trimmed in a dull tan. I have definitely spent too much time in this hospital if I was noticing the color of the hallway.

  Becca was pale, and hooked up to an IV. I pulled a chair up as close to her as I could, and gently brushed a curl away from her face. She frowned when she saw me sit down. She really thought I was going to break up with her. As if I could live without her.

  “Silly girl. Toni told me you thought I was going to break up with you. I wanted to tell you about those men, I saw them this afternoon. I wanted you to rest before I told you. I love you Becca. That's forever,” I said to her. She smiled, and pressed her face into my hand.

  “Rebecca do you mind if Aiden stays to hear your test results?” the doctor asked her. “No, Dr. Williams, I don't mind. I want him to stay,” she answered.

  Dr. Williams, I would have to remember his name. “You are going to be fine,” he reassured. “But she’s been so sick,” I argued.

  “I didn’t say there was nothing going on. Actually, Rebecca, you are dehydrated and anemic. You will need to stay here for a few hours to be rehydrated, and I am going to write you some prescriptions to take care of the extreme nausea and anemia.”

  “What is the cause of all of this?” I asked. “Oh, sorry, I’m afraid I’m a bit scatterbrained right now. I skipped over the most important part. Rebecca you're pregnant. I am ordering an ultrasound, which should be here soon, and then you’ll need to choose an obstetrician to continue prenatal care,” Dr. Williams expl
ained.

  A technician came in with a large machine, and the doctor whipped out a large wand attached to a cord. “We are going to determine how far along you are, but we have to use the trans-vaginal ultrasound. This won’t hurt,” the doctor explained.

  I was going to protest the procedure, until the fast beating sound filled the room. “The baby’s heart is very strong. And see here,” the doctor pointed to the screen. “That small bean shaped object is your baby. Based on size I would say you are about seven weeks.”

  “How did this happen? I mean I know how, but I was on the pill,” Becca stammered. The doctor removed the giant wand, and gave Becca space to clean up and get comfortable again.

  “Assuming you took the pill exactly as you were supposed to there were two major events that disrupted its effectiveness. First you had your stomach pumped after you were drugged. Second you were given antibiotics to treat exposure to a bronchial infection by one of the other attending physicians. They should have let you know antibiotics lowered the effectiveness of birth control pills.”

  The doctor looked back and forth between us, and excused himself so we could talk. “Thank God!” I exclaimed once the doctor left.

  “You're ok with this?” Becca asked quietly. “Shit yeah. When that test came back negative I was scared you were really ill. Sure this is earlier than we were planning, but we can do this. I’ll be here with you every step of the way.”

  Inside I was scared shitless. What if she didn’t want it? What would I do if I got attached to another child and it was ripped away from me?

  “You are happy about this aren’t you?” Becca asked curiously. I'm sure she could see the happiness on my face.

  “I am, very happy. I’m twenty-four years old. I’m graduating this year. That probably puts me in a position to be more excited about this than you,” I admitted.