On the Hooves of Horses

by Emma Taylor

  The office was white, with floor to ceiling windows overlooking the Derwent River. The walls were white, the carpet, white and even the desk that they both perused my portfolio on, was white. The only hint of colour came from the blood red couch I sunk into. Red. Really? Of all the colours in the palette, they choose red, for a red head with a penchant for turning a brighter shade of that very same colour at the drop of a hat. So here I sat on Thursday afternoon, looking out the glaring windows, waiting for them to take a chance on my work. Shards of light broke its way through the ominous clouds, sending a bursting bright reflection bouncing off the infinite black hole. The little rays of hope breathed a new take on the Derwent River. Shimmering and dancing, like the stars had fallen on it. That image made me think of Lucas’s brother. His body washed up on the Eastern Shore three days after he had jumped to his death, but I wonder if his spirit still lingered in the cold waters, his issues with life still left unresolved.

  I met with Grace for a coffee in Salamanca after the meeting. She had accepted a lunch date with Ads, albeit reluctantly.

  “Oh, it was awful.” She said, sinking into a dark corner of the cafe.

  “No. Come on. Couldn’t be that bad…”

  “Jayde. All he did was talk about how many girls Lucas has chasing after him and all I did was talk about how much Lucas annoys me. My God! How old am I?! Ads saw straight through me. Poor thing. I think he is really attracted to me. I just hope he doesn’t go back and tell Lucas.”

  “Well that’s just it though, Grace. Maybe someone should tell Lucas. Maybe you should tell Lucas.”

  “Oh, Jayde. What’s the point? I’ve admired him from afar for so long now, not quite sure what I might do with him if he actually said yes. I’d probably kill him with exhaustion the first night!” We both laughed loudly in the mostly quiet surrounds.

  “Hey, I’m meeting up with Andrea later, to catch a movie. You wanna come? It doesn’t start till 7pm.”

  I screwed my nose up. I really don’t understand what Grace sees in Andrea. “Nah, not this time. Thanks anyway. I might make a move back up the coast. Reed will want to hear all about my meeting today.”

  “She’s toned down a bit now. Andrea doesn’t have anything against you.”

  “Grace, really? Do you really believe that? She tried to push me off a cliff. She’s completely mad.”

  “Hmmm. Well, she certainly changed her attitude after that incident. It’s a good thing, too, because I like you and want to stay friends with the both of you.”

  “I’m pleased, but I don’t get why you are friends with her in the first place. I think she’s a bully. If it’s all the same to you, I think I might keep my distance from her.”

  * * *

  It was pitch black when I made my ascent on our driveway. It still took a little getting used to having no street lights. Or other car head lights. Orford felt like a town on nocturnal lockdown. The only transport I passed on the last half of my journey home was three log trucks. They were powerful machines that rumbled past my little car. There must have been 30-40 trees piled high and on top of each other, all securely chained down. I noticed a figure sitting on the porch as I stepped from the car, allowing my eyes to focus in the dark.

  “Hi sweetheart, how did it go?” It was Mum. Her voice sounded croaky and dry. “Yeah, good. What are you doing out here? It’s too cold.” I said, charging up the steps. I didn’t need to ask though. I could smell the intoxication from where I stood.

  “Waiting for you! I want to hear all about your day.” She did her best attempt at a sober voice, just making it more obvious.

  “Ok. But I have not yet acclimatised to this God forsaken weather, so do you mind if we talk about it over a hot chocolate and a roaring fire?” I said, looping my arm through hers. Mum fumbled trying to hide her wine glass, transferring most of her body weight onto mine. I did my best to hold us both up. It’s not that Mum is heavy, not at all, the complete opposite. She is tall, slender and lean. Years of the discipline acquired for ballet at an elite level never did dissipate from her mind. It’s just right now, in this moment, she let herself go.

  “It’s alright, Mum.” I whispered. “I’ll catch you if you fall.”

  ELEVEN

  “Thom, grab the door will you!” Mum called on Saturday morning. I could hear dad chatting to a male voice as I made myself some breakfast.

  “Jayde, it’s for you.” Dad said, showing Lucas through. “Oh, hey you. You’re up and about early. For a rock star.” I teased.

  “Tell me about. It’s Saturday morning, too,” he smiled. “What are you cooking?”

  “Well, I was thinking about making some bacon and eggs, but I can’t seem to find any fresh bacon…” I trailed off, head borrowed deep into the fridge.

  “Wah.” Lucas gagged.

  “Oh, shit, sorry. I forgot that you’re a no meat man.” I laughed.

  “When are you going to learn Miss Queensland? You have to free your body from all these toxins. I guess it’s just your lucky day then. Move aside,” he commanded. Lucas took his jacket off and hung it over the bar stool. His muscles flexing as he lifted a green enviro bag to the centre island bench. “A lesson in healthy body, healthy mind. Watch and learn carnivore.”

  He bought everything. There was tofu, herbs and spices, colourful and crispy vegetables. He even had a special blend of vegan cheese.

  “Try my style omelet and I guarantee, you’ll never look back.” He smirked. I jumped up onto the island bench, legs swinging slowly.

  “So, Ads and Grace went on a date on Thursday.” I began.

  “It wasn’t a date.” He defended. I looked at him with a slight suspicious glint in my eye.

  “Lucas. What’s up?” He placed the spatula down calmly, yet with a little force that had me wondering where this was going to lead.

  “Jayde. I really, really like her. I just, for some reason, I just can’t seem to get my shit together. She makes me nervous, she makes me dizzy with excitement, my heart skips a beat every time I see her, yet I keep messing it up. Over and over. I don’t want any of those other girls. Just Grace. It’s only ever been Grace.”

  “Lucas Smith. You’re in love!” I said stating the obvious.

  “Please, Jayde, what do I do?” His eyes pleaded.

  “About what?” Reed entered into the kitchen with haste.

  “Another visitor, Jayde!” I heard Dad call, somewhat too late. Thanks for the heads up. Lucas’s eyes darted to mine quickly.

  “Lucas is having his first bacon craving. It’s monumental.” I winked at Lucas, while embracing Reed. Breaking free, I cupped his chin in my hand and kissed his warm, spongy lips amorously. “It’s nice to see you.” I could feel him soften under my manner. A slow, cheeky smile began forming in the corners of his mouth.

  “You don’t know what you’re missing out on, man.” Reed smiled.

  “I’m fighting it.” Lucas laughed along with the story.

  “I bought you a little gift,” Reed turned to me. “But, I didn’t realise you had company. I can come back later?” He suggested.

  “Nah, man, it’s all good. I’ve made enough brekky for ten. I’m just going to grab something from my car. Help yourselves.” He said before leaving.

  “Why is he here?” Reed asked gently.

  “I asked him,” I lied. “Grace suggested I talk to him about his brother’s suicide. It might help to shed some light on Haylie’s. I haven’t approached it yet, but I thought if I understood it a bit better, I might be able to come off the meds?” Tread lightly, Jayde.

  “Why babe? The medication is doing its job. There’s no point rushing things.”

  “It has to happen eventually. I can’t stay medicated my whole life. Besides, the side effects are wearing me down. I’m really tired all the time and I feel like I have this constant veil of haze over me. I just want to get back to normal.”

  “What is normal?” He said gently. Poor Reed, I frightened him deeply that night.

  �
��You are normal, Reed. You are the most normal thing in my life right now. I want normal. God knows I need normal. I need us.”

  “I like the sound of that. Are you sure you want to go off them? Do you think everything will be ok without them?”

  “Yes, Reed, I do. It has to stop. It will. You just have to trust me, ok? Can you do that for me? Can you trust me?”

  “Jayde, I trust you impeccably. I need you to know that I will stand by you, no matter what. I think you are amazing to have gone through what you have. I am so thankful to the universe for bringing you here.”

  “Do you think we would’ve found each other under different circumstances? You know, if Hayley hadn’t died or if your dad hadn’t? Would we have found each other?”

  He reached for my hand. “I would hope so, Jayde.” He placed a tiny organza bag into the palm of my hand.

  “Hope…” I let his words linger on my lips.

  “This is for you. I’m really proud of you for getting the contract with Seers and Buckley. You know, it took my Dad four meetings before they would sign him? Even then, it was only on consignment. They eventually signed him for the rest of his working career, but it took him six months to get there.”

  “Six months?” I asked bewildered. “I thought I knew everything about him.”

  “I guess some people hide their secrets well,” He smiled. “But all the while, Dad never gave up hope.” I carefully untied the silky ribbon holding the bag together. It twirled out landing into the palm of my hand.

  “It’s a Pandora bracelet. The charm is symbolic.” He said, nervously. I felt my legs turn to jelly. It was a gold and silver heart shaped box.

  “You have my heart, Jayde,” he whispered. “I love you.” I moved my eyes from one gift to another. “I love you too, Reed.”

  He leant down and let his lips find mine. Gently parting them, he kissed me more sensually and amorously than ever. I felt him breathe out in relief, but all I could do was hold my breath in exhilaration. I knew the first day I saw him that he was the one and I think I knew then that it wouldn’t take long for me to fall deeply in love with him. I just never imagined that he would love me back.

  “Please don’t let this ever change.” Reed said, pulling back from me. He looked vulnerable, like it could be me that would break up this perfect union. Taking the bracelet from my hand, he undid the clasp and wound it around my left wrist. “Hey, there’s something loose inside the heart.” I said, noticing a tiny rattling noise.

  “Ah, that’s symbolic, too. It’s a key. It’s nothing tacky, like the key to my heart. It’s Pandora’s key.” He stated.

  “The key of hope.” I finished.

  * * *

  I don’t want to open my eyes this morning. Haylie is here with me, for now. Walk with me Haylie. Stay with me. Just a little bit longer. Her image begins to fade. My beautiful sister, her face drawn in the sand, is threatening to be dissolved at the next rush of the tide. White wash bubbling at the edges. I still need you! But the waves descend over ever so slowly like the ripple effect from a tsunami thousands of kilometers away and she is gone. My beautiful sister is gone. On a day when I should be riding high on blissful emotions, it’s been almost two weeks since Reed and I declared our love to each other, I woke this morning with an angry mind and turbulence in my soul. Dad had returned to the mines a week ago and things have been good. Mum and I are not spending too much time alone together, which means we have been getting along well. I’ve been productive and creative with work. Things with Reed have been great. I am completely and madly in love with him. The bond I share with him is equally as strong and powerful as the one I have with Haylie. It couldn’t be more different, but it is just as important. I never understood the connection that Haylie had with Sebastian, but I think maybe now, I am beginning too. So everything should be ok. But something is not ok. That something is me.

  I didn’t even bother to stretch. There was no time to waste. I needed to be free from these restraints, my thoughts. I stepped out onto the porch, preparing to unleash my onslaught onto the world and anything in between. The cold was instant. However, for the first time since arriving in Tasmania, I took it for what it was. It’s cold. Tasmania is cold. It’s the southern state of Australia, but it’s clear and it’s fresh and it seems to have awoken something in me. Myself. A new me. My feet pounded the asphalt one after the other. I had a good rhythm that kept me focused on the pattern and sounds. I didn’t need to look up to see where I was going. This is the route that I was most familiar with. The one that lead down to Spring Beach. It was a spectacular beach, almost cove like. Massive rock formations formed protection from both sides. Looking out, across the waves and into the distance was Maria Island, which was surrounded only by water. Beyond that, was nothing. Well, actually, if you kept going, you would eventually run into New Zealand. But standing here on the whitest of white beaches, feeling encapsulated by the natural landscape, I felt like I could breathe. There was no fog or haze covering my brain, no state of delirium. This was me offering myself to the world.

  “Here I am!” I roared, not thinking to check if there was any other souls out searching on the beach today.

  “Take me for me!” Announcing loudly. I was angry and raw. It all came down to now. Everything that has happened in my life has been exhausted. I felt exhausted. I just can’t do this anymore. I doubled over in pain, clutching my stomach. Tears instantly sprung from my eyes and cascaded down my flushed cheeks. “I get it Haylie,” I sobbed. “I know why you haven’t left me. I’m so sorry. I know you can’t stay and I wish with all my heart and being that you could. I love you so much. But it’s ok. I will be ok. I can let you go now. You don’t have to watch out for me anymore. I will be that person you always said I would be. I will make you proud, Haylie. I promise that I will make you proud…”

  * * *

  “Jayde? Jayde? Hey, wake up. Are you Ok?” I heard his voice sing.

  “Jayde?”

  “Huh?” I swallowed, trying to mask my disorientation.

  “Not getting enough sleep during the night?” Lucas laughed nervously. I raised my body into a seated position, laying my legs out flat on the sand. “I pushed myself hard on this run. I guess it just took more out of me than expected.”

  “It’s that time of the year, too. Everyone has a little bit of bear hibernation in them around here,” he said, sitting down next to me. “You don’t mind do you?”

  “No, of course not. Besides,” I said, punching his arm lightly. “Where have you been for the last couple of weeks? Hello? You turn up to my house to make brekky and talk about Grace and then you just leave? What is with that?” I scolded.

  “Wow, are you always this much fun when you first wake up?” He smiled wryly.

  “Absolutely. Now, don’t change the subject. Spill the beans.”

  “Reed. He turned up and it was weird. By the way, thanks for not going into the whole Grace thing with him. He just wouldn’t understand.”

  “And I do?” I asked. “Don’t you?” He asked, hopeful.

  “I think, Lucas, the question is, do you?”

  “I’ve been thinking a lot about it and I know I just have to try. If our friendship is as strong as I believe it to be, well, then if a relationship doesn’t work out, I’m pretty confident we will still be ok. Do you know what I mean?”

  “Yes, I think I do.”

  We sat on the sand for a very long time, looking out to the ocean. It didn’t feel uncomfortable, neither of us felt the pressure to make small talk. But we were both thinking about the same thing. I felt a connection to the water. It drew me in with a myriad of emotions. Lonely and turbulent were usually the standouts, however, at times, the water empowered me and gave me permission to conquer.

  “How are things going, Jayde?” Lucas spoke first.

  “I keep thinking about the 12 month mark.”

  “I would love to tell you that it gets easier, but I’m afraid it doesn’t. You still process the last weeks, d
ays, conversations, arguments that you had with them. You question why you didn’t see it coming, why you couldn’t stop it, if you could’ve stopped it, but there will never be an end to that, because they took all those answers with them when they killed themselves.”

  “Grace told me that Brendan was medicated?” I approached softly.

  “Yeah. Was your sister?”

  “Haylie? No, no, not at all. I don’t think she ever even took panadol! But I am. Medicated. Anti depressants.”

  “Why? No, babe. You don’t need that.” He protested.

  “I don’t know. At times I think I do. You see, I have these, visions, these dreams. Actually, they’re more like nightmares and well, it scares the shit out of my parents.” And Reed.

  “What are they about?”

  “Haylie. Always Haylie. I’m running, trying to catch up, trying to get to her before she jumps. But I get there too late. I always get there too late. She still jumps. But it’s more than that, Lucas. Sometimes, I feel like she is trying to tell me something. I know it sounds crazy. I guess that’s why I take the pills.” Lucas was silent. I’m not sure if that was a good thing or not, but I was ok with it nonetheless.

  “Do you believe in the after life, Jayde?” He finally spoke. “Maybe she’s just trying to say goodbye, in her own way. Do the meds stop the dreams?” I nodded. “Yes and no.”

  “Maybe Haylie can’t transcend to the after life until she fulfills her message. Maybe your actions are actually holding her back.”

  “I never actually thought of it like that.”

  “Grace would have told you about my reluctance when it comes to medication. It’s not that I am completely against them, I do believe they have a place, it’s just that you have to be so careful with them. Brendan didn’t faze himself off them, he just stopped suddenly. I don’t think it’s a good idea. You’re not depressed. Why did you tell me about them?”

  “Because I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know what’s real and what is a memory or a vision. I’m trying desperately to piece it all together, Lucas, but I just don’t understand why she committed suicide.”