Wanting to Remember, Trying to Forget (Meet the Shepards #1)

by Jacqueline Francis

  The exact moment he stopped caring.

  “Danny…” His whisper was filled with so much hurt, it was unbearable to listen to what he said next. “This is where we part ways. If its Richard you want, I won’t be the one to stop you.”

  She watched as he silently walked away. About twenty minutes later, she saw him carry two suitcases to the front door. Another cold sweat seeped through her pores and she realized that she was the one who was panicking now. He was going to leave and she would never see him again, never see that dimple, never feel that kiss on the side of her head. An overwhelming urge to throw herself in front of the door came over her but she resisted, reminding herself over and over again that he couldn’t be trusted. He betrayed her and she didn’t want a liar!

  * * *

  Max sat on a beaten-up, old bed in a beaten-up, old motel room, staring at pictures that were scattered all over the mattress. Although all the windows were open, it still smelled dusty. He didn’t care, though. In fact, after a week, he had become accustomed to it. He had a good few hours to kill before his flight and then he could use the happiness of his family to bury the ache inside him. A short-term distraction, but at least it was something.

  Every day he sunk a little deeper into depression, torturing himself with all the things he could have done to prevent the demise of his relationship. He should have told her the truth before she found out herself, but he realized that telling her the truth would have only lessened the impact. It wouldn’t have changed the result.

  Danny was the past now. He would have gone back. He would have begged for forgiveness. He would have looked past every ugly thing she said to him if she said it because he lied. But she wasn’t angry because of his lies. It all came down to Richard. It always came down to Richard.

  She was still in love with him.

  Even if he had told her the truth, the second she regained her memory, she would have realized that Richard was the one she wanted. It was better that it happened now instead of years in future.

  Eight months was minuscule in the bigger scheme of things yet to him, eight months had felt like an eternity. Days had turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, but it felt infinite because all his happiness lived in that short frame of time and at that point, it seemed endless.

  But it did end. Because it wasn’t real. Everything was a lie. And he wasn’t the only liar.

  His mind recounted all their conversations. She had told him she loved him so many times and he believed her, stupidly and completely opening himself up to her. She was right, though. It was foolish to think he could build a relationship with one person only knowing half the facts. And here was the fact, hard and cold:

  Seven years was a fuck long time. 84 months. 364 weeks. 2 555 days. 61 320 hours. 3 679 200 minutes. 220 752 000 seconds.

  And not for one of those seconds had she ever felt anything real for him. Every look of affection. Every kiss on the cheek. Every hug. Every slow dance. Every playful nudge. He used to obsess over all that and none of it was fucking real.

  All this time he had wanted her to choose and another cold, hard fact was that her choice was Richard. Eight months of drowning in guilt. Eight months of holding up a façade. Eight months of a relationship evolving from strangers to lovers and she still fucking wanted Richard.

  He just wanted to forget. Forget her taste. Forget her smell. Forget every fucking thing that had happened in the last seven years.

  If he could just forget about how amazing it felt to make love to her the first time, he could simultaneously forget how much it hurt to know that he was her first regret. If he could just forget about how good her lips felt pressed against his, he could forget about the ache he felt knowing that those lips were never meant to be his. If he could just forget about the fact that he was so completely in love with her, he could forget about the lump that formed in his throat every time he thought about her being in love with someone else. If he could just forget about the dreams of them becoming more than friends, he could forget the pain of knowing that—for a brief, indescribable moment in time—those dreams had actually come true.

  Max checked his cell phone and the only thing he encountered was another stupid text from Jordan. Nothing from Danny. No calls. No messages. One week and she had not tried to contact him once. She was probably with Richard right now. She probably had not even thought of him. Calling her had crossed his mind several times. He wanted to apologize one last time, but it would be pointless.

  Aries. The God of War. Argumentative. Confrontational. Combative. Never giving up. Even against all odds, it was in his nature to keep fighting. But this was one battle he couldn’t fight anymore. Danny was something he wouldn’t fight for anymore because he always ended up losing.

  He checked the time and realized that he still had over an hour before he needed to start packing and he was going to use those minutes to wish Charlie a happy holiday. At least one of them would be happy this Christmas.

  Max slowly turned the photographs over, one by one, unable to look at them anymore. He didn’t pack them away because he had no intention of taking them with him when he left. That part of his life was over.

  * * *

  Max knocked on the door of Charlie’s apartment.

  “Pizza’s here,” a woman sang from the other side.

  That definitely didn’t sound like Charlie’s mother. The voice was familiar and the fact that there was a woman here obviously meant that his mother was out of town. He heard slight clicks as it was unlocked and his jaw dropped as the door opened.

  “Max!”

  “Dorothy?”

  His brain could not comprehend seeing the woman in front of him, wrapped in nothing but a bed sheet. Charlie was certainly having a happier holiday than he had anticipated.

  She appeared nervous and awkward as she ran her hand through her tangled hair. “Um…I’ll go get Charlie,” she said quickly and slammed the door shut.

  A minute later, Charlie opened the door as he tugged on his T-shirt. He stepped outside and closed the door behind him.

  “So you and Dorothy, huh?”

  “Yeah. I told you she wants my beef.”

  Max chuckled, stuffing his hands in pockets as he tried to rid himself of the vision of their prim and proper receptionist in that state of undress.

  “So you’re leaving today?” Charlie stated, swiftly changing the topic from Dorothy and her semi-nakedness.

  “Yeah. Just wanted to come by and say goodbye before I left.”

  Although Max had tried to keep his tone light, he knew his friend saw right through it. “You okay, Max?”

  “Yeah. I’m fine.”

  “You got your asshole face on. What happened with Danny?”

  Max thought about lying because he didn’t want to ruin Charlie’s mood, but he was done with lies. “She…um…she regained her memory and—”

  He didn’t know if it was the sadness in his voice or the expression on his face that made Charlie’s shoulders sag in disappointment. “Oh, fuck!”

  “It didn’t work. It was dumb to actually believe that it would work. She’s in love with Richard and I’m once again the asshole.”

  “Did you explain why you did it? Did you tell her how you feel about her?”

  “Charlie…”

  “I mean, you guys were great together. Surely she—”

  “Charlie, stop. She doesn’t want to hear anything I have to say. It’s over now. She’s still at the apartment, but I left. I’m staying at some dingy motel called Surfin’ Sands. I’ve been gone for a week and she hasn’t tried to contact me.” He dropped his head and stared at the ground. “I tried to trick her into having feelings for me, but I only ended up tricking myself. I thought—” He stopped himself because this was actually becoming too painful to discuss. “It doesn’t matter what I thought…or what I feel. It’s irrelevant anyway. I’m not the man she wants to be with.”

  Charlie tapped his shoulder before pulling him in for a hug. Manl
y yet still comforting. “Forget about her, man.”

  Max decided to save his breakdown for when he was alone and pulled away first. “I wish I could.” He exhaled a heavy breath. “Well, you have a good Christmas and an awesome New Year.”

  Charlie had the decency to not wish him the same. “I’ll see you soon,” he said instead.

  Max nodded and after one more tap on the shoulder, he walked away.

  Charlie waited for Max to disappear around the corner before he dashed back into his apartment. He rushed to his bedroom and saw Dorothy waiting for him, naked on the bed. Shutting his eyes, he groaned his frustration. “I’ll fucking kill her,” he whispered to himself. He grabbed his cell phone from the dresser, then turned his attention back to the hot babe on his bed. “Dorothy…oh, my God, Dorothy. I really—” The sight of bare breasts clouded his judgment and made him second guess his decision, but he took a deep breath and tried not to focus on himself. “I really have to go and take care of something.”

  She sat up on her knees and brushed her lips against his. “You sure you want to leave all this?”

  “Trust me, if it wasn’t for Max, I wouldn’t even consider leaving you right now.” He resisted the urge to push her back against the bed and indulged in a long kiss goodbye. “Don’t move from this bed. Don’t put on your clothes. I want you just like this when I get back. I’ll be about half an hour, forty-five minutes tops.”

  “Where are you going?” she asked as he walked out.

  “I have a date with the devil.”

  He stopped once he got outside and took out his cell phone.

  Charlie: Trouble!

  Amber: Where?

  Charlie: Satan’s place

  Amber: Meet you there

  * * *

  Danny walked down the corridor of the empty apartment, into her bedroom and then back to the living room. She had not seen Max physically in a week and yet she saw him every day. Every day she walked into the kitchen and saw him standing there, holding out a cup of coffee. She saw him in the bedroom, the bathroom, the living room and so every day she walked aimlessly around the apartment, trying to get away from him, but he was everywhere.

  They had lived together for almost a year and it was impossible to escape his presence. She had shoved the Valentine’s Day card in her drawer and covered the huge teddy bear with a blanket to avoid as many reminders as she could. She wanted him out of her head. Every time he popped up, she stopped herself from dwelling on the thought, refusing to get sucked back into his web of lies. She didn’t think. She didn’t reminisce. She didn’t feel.

  All she wanted to do was bathe in this pool of numbness until he stopped bothering her. Flashes of him were constant, playing on her mind day and night. Apart from a few Christmas parties she’d planned early December, she had no other clients this month so she had not left the apartment in the last week.

  She looked at the tiny little Christmas tree they had put up and realized it was going to be a lonely Christmas this year. Lonely. Yes, that was a feeling that had become very familiar to her. Lost. There was another one. It was ironic. A head full of memories and she felt more empty now than she had ever felt before.

  Depression swept through her a few times a day. Today was the first day in a week that she had actually changed out of her pajamas. Her best friend lying to her was very depressing, but there was something else. Her mind and body were begging her to explore what this something else was, but she would not allow it. She would allow one thought of Max to linger too long in her head. She felt a sharp constriction in her chest whenever a memory of him came to the fore and she was scared she might break down if she delved too deep. She didn’t want to cry over a man who had willingly betrayed her. He wasn’t worthy of her tears.

  A loud thumping at the front door startled her. She rushed to open it, a part of her secretly hoping it was Max on the other side, but all she saw was two more liars.

  “You!” She threw herself at Charlie, gripping his gray hair in tight fists.

  “Get off me!”

  Amber grabbed her around the waist and pulled her off him, kicking and screaming.

  Charlie straightened his T-shirt, adjusted his hair, and shut the door. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  “Me?” Danny shouted. “Let’s talk about you, asshole. You…both of you,” she said pointing from one to the other, “were in on it from the very beginning. Was it fun for you guys? Watching me make a fool of myself the whole time?”

  “The only time I ever saw you as a fool was right now,” Charlie retorted. “Did you even bother to hear Max’s side of the story?”

  She felt her throat close up at the mere mention of his name. She turned and walked to the living room. “I don’t wanna talk about Max.”

  Charlie raced after her, shoving her shoulder so hard that she stumbled back and fell onto the sofa. He crossed his arms over his chest. “Oh, we’re gonna talk about Max.”

  “And what makes you think that I have anything to say to either of you?”

  “He didn’t want to lie to you,” Amber said, taking a seat beside her. “We started it and we encouraged him to go along.”

  Danny’s head snapped sideways to face her so-called friend. “You would do that to me, Amber? I was lying there in that hospital bed, lost and alone, and you thought it was okay to lie to me?”

  “It was one little lie,” Charlie scoffed. “Get over it!”

  “One little lie? Are you kidding me? That one little lie ruined my life.”

  “Oh, stop being so melodramatic. What did he do that was so bad? What was the worst thing that happened?”

  Danny could not answer that question because she had not allowed herself to think about anything that had happened in the last eight months, but if she had to answer that question, the worst thing that had happened was that she lost her best friend.

  “Just shut up!” she snapped, wanting to end the entire conversation, but Amber and Charlie were not backing down because of a few curt words.

  “Do you have any idea what you did to him?” Charlie asked. “He’s a fucking wreck because of you.”

  She felt the stirring of something she didn’t want to feel and pushed it down. “He brought it on himself.”

  “Bitch!”

  “Dickhead!”

  “Devil worshipper!”

  “Grandpa!”

  “Guys,” Amber cut in, “can we just have a mature discussion like rational adults?”

  Charlie took in a deep breath and mentally counted to ten. “I can’t believe I left a hot, naked woman in my bed for this.”

  “Maybe you should get back before she deflates,” Danny said, flashing him her devil smile.

  “I fucking hate you!” he sneered. “I don’t even know what the fuck Max sees in you.”

  His words caused her throat to close up again. It stung more than she was willing to admit.

  “Let’s just all calm down,” Amber said. “Danny, I know that you’re angry because we lied to you, but you can’t be so upset that you would cut him out of your life. What we did was wrong but not unforgivable.”

  “It’s like I told Max, Amber. He took advantage of my situation. Richard and I were in love and he ruined that.”

  The expression that came over Amber’s face made it look like she was about to throw a slap. “Danny, let’s just forget for a second that Richard never came to the hospital.”

  “Not once,” Charlie added. “He even stopped taking Amber’s calls.”

  “Yeah, let’s ignore that. Let’s also ignore the fact that he never really cared about you…and he was cheating on you.”

  “And while we’re at it,” Charlie said, “let’s also ignore the fact that when Max confronted him about it, Richard beat the shit outta him.”

  A hard lump formed in Danny’s throat as she listened to what they were saying. For some reason, she wasn’t fazed at all by Richard cheating on her, but him hitting Max…

  They were lying. They h
ad to be. Max had not told her any of this. Yet there was that day…when he came home bloodied and bruised. He was so angry that day and every other day that Richard’s name was mentioned. Now it made sense. Why didn’t he tell her? He could have used all this information to get the upper-hand last week, but he hadn’t said one word.

  “Let’s ignore all that for a few minutes,” Amber continued. “You say you’re in love with Richard. Did you see him yet?”

  The thought had not even crossed her mind. “No,” she admitted.

  “Called him?”

  She shook her head.

  “Texted him?”

  She finally snapped from annoyance. “That doesn’t change anything, Amber.”

  “It changes everything. You’re not in love with Richard!” Amber’s shouting made it clear that her frustration was growing by the second. “Danny, what’s going on in that head of yours? You told me a few weeks ago that you were in love with Max and nothing would ever change that.”

  Danny sneered. There were things coming to the surface and she didn’t want it anywhere near there. “That was before I found out he was a lying bastard.”

  Again she sensed Amber’s urge to slap her. “I get that you’re angry at him, but where are all your other feelings for Max?”

  “I don’t have any other feelings for Max.”

  “Step aside, Amber,” Charlie said through gritted teeth. “I’m gonna knock her the fuck out! Maybe another blow to the head will hit some sense back into her.”

  “Hold on, Charlie. Something fucked up is going on here.” She turned her attention back to her friend. “Danny, you sound like a robot. Feelings like that don’t just disappear. Where are they?”

  “Gone…along with my trust.”

  She saw the aggravation on both their faces. She was testing their patience and one of them were going to hit her soon.

  Amber’s eyes were scrutinizing her now, looking for clues to understand her behavior. “Something happened when you regained your memory and I think…your body is doing the only thing it knows how to do naturally.”

  Danny rolled her eyes at the pathetic attempt at psycho-analysis. “And what’s that?”