A Mother's Secret

by Amy Clipston

“Wie geht’s!” He smiled as he approached her. “It’s a schee day.”

  “Ya, it is. I feel spring coming full force. My flowers are starting to bloom.” She held up the cooler. “Ben forgot his lunch today. I was heading to the market, so I thought I’d drop it by.”

  “Oh, gut. I’ll get it to him,” he said as he took the cooler. “Ben and Danny went to the hardware store for some supplies, but they should be back soon. How was your weekend?”

  “It was gut. On Saturday I helped mei mamm and mei sister-in-law finish up that quilt I told you about last week.”

  “Oh.” He raised his eyebrows with curiosity. “You quilt? Mei mamm and my niece quilt.”

  She shook her head. “I wouldn’t call myself a quilter, but I help out when I can. My stitches are never as straight as mei mamm’s. She says I’m too impatient to do a gut job. I don’t think my quilts would sell if I entered them into an auction or tried to sell them at a store like mei mamm and sister-in-law do.”

  “I doubt that.” He leaned back against the buggy. “I’d like to see some of your quilts.”

  “You would?” She was surprised by his interest. “I’ll have to find one to show you. I made one for Ben when he was born.”

  “Bring it over sometime.”

  “Okay.” She studied him, wondering why he had such an interest in her life. Why would he want to see a quilt she made nearly sixteen years ago? She decided to change the subject. “How was your weekend?”

  He shrugged. “The usual. Work and church.”

  “Do you ever do anything other than work and go to church?”

  He paused and then laughed. “Just more work.”

  “Do you have any hobbies or interests other than horses?”

  He shook his head. “No, I can’t say that I do.”

  “So then what do you do for fun?”

  Joshua looked toward his house. “I like to play games with friends or sometimes I like to sit on the porch and watch storms when they pass over.”

  Carolyn’s eyes widened. “Really? I always did that with mei daadi when I was little, and I also shared my love of storms with Ben. We used to sit on the porch and watch the storms roll in and out.”

  He nodded with interest. “That definitely is one of my favorite pastimes in the summer.”

  Carolyn looked past him toward the horses in the pasture. “You must like being out in the sun all day.”

  “I do. It’s one of the best parts of the job.”

  “What else do you like about working on the farm?”

  “Hmm.” He leaned to the side and balanced the small cooler on his bent knee. “I like meeting with the customers, and I like being with the horses. They’re good company. I can train them and watch them grow.”

  “Do you ever get attached to the horses?” Carolyn asked while enjoying learning more about Joshua. “Is it ever hard to say good-bye to them?”

  “Wow.” His eyes widened. “No one has ever asked me that before.”

  “I’m sorry.” She felt the tips of her ears heat with embarrassment. “I’m being too forward.”

  “No, you’re not forward at all.” He glanced back toward the horses. “I guess I try not to get too attached, but sometimes it happens.” He pointed toward a chestnut gelding toward the front of the pack. “Do you see that horse there? The one standing off sort of by himself?”

  “Ya.” Carolyn held her hand above her eyes as she looked toward the horses.

  “That’s Huckleberry. He’s my nephew’s favorite horse.” Joshua seemed a little melancholy. “We both were attached to Huckleberry, so he hasn’t been sold.”

  “Really?” Carolyn studied the horse. “Huckleberry reminds me of my daadi’s favorite horse. His horse’s name was Samson.”

  “You were close to your daadi.”

  The comment took Carolyn off guard. “Ya, I was.”

  “You must miss him.”

  She nodded. “I do. I miss him terribly, and I know he would’ve loved Ben. It’s a shame Ben never got to meet him.”

  Joshua sighed. “I understand. I miss Gideon every day. I think of things I wish I had said and things I would love to show him.” He gestured with his free arm. “He would be so froh to see how much the business has grown. I know he would be a workaholic just like me.” His smile was back and she enjoyed the sight. He stood up straight. “I suppose I’m keeping you from something important.”

  “No, not really.” She longed to spend the rest of the day talking to Joshua and teasing him about his work ethic. “The grocery store isn’t going anywhere, and I’m not looking forward to shopping.”

  “What would you rather be doing than shopping?” He wagged one of his free fingers at her.

  “You got me.” She absently fingered her cloak while she contemplated the question. “Let me think. I like to read when I have time.”

  “When you have time?” He raised an eyebrow. “Does that mean you work too much too?”

  Carolyn shrugged. “I guess maybe I do work too much, but I make time to bake and cook. I’m not the best in the church district, but I enjoy it.”

  “There’s nothing else you like besides baking, cooking, and watching storms?”

  “Sometimes I read Christian novels.” She tossed that out even though she hadn’t read a book other than the Bible in months.

  “Sometimes?” He grinned. “Well, I guess that makes us both workaholics who like storms.”

  “I guess so.” She smiled up at him. “At least I’m in gut company, ya?”

  “If you consider me gut company, then I guess you are. Speaking of being a workaholic, I better get back to work.” Joshua gestured toward the house. “I’ll put Ben’s lunch inside.”

  “Danki. Tell him I’m sorry I missed him.”

  “I will. I’ll see you soon.”

  “Ya.” I hope so! Carolyn blew out a sigh as she watched him walk toward the house. She hadn’t felt an attraction this strong since she met Benjamin’s father. Of course, back then she was much younger and naïve. She could have easily had a crush on any boy who showed interest in her.

  Although she knew her feelings for Benjamin’s father had been immature, she felt that same overwhelming urge to get to know Joshua that she had felt for Benjamin’s father. These feelings were more mature, but that same excitement and fear surged through her. Here she was nearly thirty-two, and she was acting as if she were sixteen again. How did Joshua Glick gain this power over her?

  Joshua ascended the porch steps, and Carolyn climbed into the buggy. As she guided the horse toward the road, Joshua turned and waved once before disappearing into the house.

  Carolyn spent the ride to the grocery store wondering how she was going to temper these strong feelings for Joshua. She was treading on dangerous ground. She was getting to know Saul Beiler, and here she had nearly given her heart over to Joshua Glick. She needed to be careful with her feelings and her heart or she would end up hurt once again.

  Barbie was wiping Joshua’s kitchen counter when movement outside the window caught her eye. She peeked out the window and frowned when she found Joshua talking to Carolyn Lapp near a buggy. Joshua took a cooler from Carolyn and then they stood and talked.

  Barbie’s annoyance simmered as the conversation stretched beyond a few minutes. She studied their body language and watched her son smile and then relax, more than she’d seen him do in a long time. He leaned against the buggy, casually balanced the cooler on his bent knee, and behaved as if Carolyn were an old friend instead of a new acquaintance. She hardly recognized the man standing by the buggy; he didn’t resemble the Joshua she knew. She’d grown used to her serious son, rarely smiling and always worrying about what was left undone on his farm. Yet now he stood as casual as a youth at a singing or at a buddy day spent with his childhood friends.

  When Carolyn laughed and then fingered her cloak, Barbie gasped at the coy mannerism.

  “How dare that maedel flirt with my son!” she exclaimed, her voice echoing throughout t
he empty house.

  Barbie clenched her fists and studied the rest of the conversation unfolding out the window. She’d never seen her son act so casual and interested in a young lady. When Joshua was with Lena, he looked awkward and uncomfortable, and he seemed to be trying to think of things to say. From her vantage point, it looked as if the conversation between Joshua and Carolyn flowed easily between them, as if they were old friends talking in the grocery store line while awaiting their turn to pay the cashier.

  Alarm surged through Barbie. She knew she had to do something to stop this relationship from progressing. She couldn’t allow Joshua to get attached to someone like Carolyn. He was better suited to a more serious young woman like Lena, who could be molded into a perfect daughter-in-law and mother of her future grandchildren.

  Something has to be done quickly to stop this!

  Carolyn was confident and outspoken when Barbie had questioned her. In fact, Carolyn’s behavior reminded her of Hannah’s. Barbie wanted to see her only living son married to a woman who would behave appropriately and not cause any more trouble for their family. Besides her personality, Carolyn also worked at the hotel that had enticed Hannah to leave the community and rip apart all that was left of Gideon’s precious legacy.

  Barbie considered her conversation with Eli regarding her interest in Joshua’s love life. Eli had told her to back off, but Barbie still maintained that her intentions were pure in God’s eyes. Despite what Eli said, Barbie knew what was best for her son. She needed to make sure Joshua married someone like Lena. She was attractive and she would be a good housekeeper. She was eager to be a good helpmate to a husband, and that was what every Amish man needed. And most importantly, Barbie could mold Lena into a good, dutiful wife and mother. She just needed to find a way to make that happen.

  Joshua waved as Carolyn’s buggy disappeared down the rock driveway toward the road. He was surprised at how his day perked up when she stopped by. He facetiously thought about thanking Benjamin for forgetting his lunch because he’d been hoping to see Carolyn again. He couldn’t stop thinking about how much he had enjoyed running into her at the market last week. She was fun to talk to, and she always made him smile. He hadn’t smiled that much in a very long time, possibly years, and it was a healthy release. He felt revived, as if she’d brought him back to life after he’d lost Gideon and Hannah.

  He was surprised by how easy conversation was with Carolyn. In fact, he’d never joked around with anyone or teased anyone like he did with Carolyn. Being with her made him feel young again, something he hadn’t felt since his early twenties. When he was with Carolyn, Joshua also felt as if he was able to let go of the heartache, stress, and worry he carried inside of him.

  Does that mean I’m falling in love with her?

  The shocking question shook him to the core. It echoed through his mind as he opened the back door and stepped into the mudroom.

  “Joshua?” His mother’s voice called from the kitchen. “Is that you?”

  “Ya, Mamm. Who else would it be?” He took off his hat and coat and tossed them onto the peg on the wall. He couldn’t hold back his smile. He was still thinking of Carolyn and her beautiful face, and—

  His mental thoughts stopped as he stepped into the kitchen and walked right into his mother’s disapproving frown.

  “Was iss letz?” He placed the cooler on the counter.

  “What was that maedel doing here again?” Mamm slammed her hands on her wide hips and glared at him.

  “Her name is Carolyn, and she was delivering Ben’s lunch that he forgot this morning. See?” He pointed at the red-and-white cooler. “What’s wrong with that?”

  “She was flirting with you, Josh.” She stressed the word. “Don’t you see what’s happening right in front of you?”

  Joshua held out his hands as if to calm her. “Mamm, Carolyn is my freind. She wasn’t flirting with me.” He suspected that wasn’t true, but his relationship with Carolyn was none of his nosy mother’s business.

  “Ya, she was. What do you think this means?” Mamm dramatically smiled and played with her apron while batting her eyelashes.

  Joshua couldn’t smother his laughter. “Mamm, you look gegisch. Please stop.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Don’t laugh at me. I’m trying to make a point, Joshua.”

  “Okay, I get it.” He shook his head. “Look, Carolyn and I are freinden. Her nephew works here and that means Carolyn and I occasionally see each other.”

  Mamm shook her head and her frown deepened. “How would Lena feel if she knew you were flirting with another maedel?”

  “We weren’t flirting. Besides, what does Lena have to do with this?” Joshua grimaced and wondered when his mother would stop nagging him about a woman he didn’t even know.

  “I told you she likes you and wants to get to know you.” She waved a finger at him. “That’s why you need to attend a singing and get to know her better. You need to give her a chance. You’re not getting any younger, and you need to start thinking seriously about getting married and having kinner while you still can.”

  Joshua blew out a sigh and fought the urge to tell his mother to stay out of his life. He had to find a way to redirect her attention away from him, but he didn’t know how.

  “Maybe you should fire Benjamin.” His mother continued her tirade. “If Ben is gone, then Carolyn won’t come around and ruin your chances with Lena.”

  “What?” Joshua leveled his gaze at her. “Did you just say I should fire Ben?”

  “Ya.” She nodded while folding her arms over her thick middle. “You and Danny are doing a gut job running this farm. You don’t need the extra help.”

  “Ya, I do need the extra help, and Ben is a wunderbaar worker.” Aggravation surged through Joshua, replacing the euphoria he’d felt when Carolyn was there. “I’m not going to fire Ben. I need him here.” He pointed to the floor for emphasis. “I’m going to hire him on permanently. I can’t keep up with the books and do my other chores now that Hannah is gone. I need Ben to help Danny so I can do other important chores to keep this farm running.”

  Mamm didn’t look convinced. “Carolyn needs to learn her place so she doesn’t ruin your chances with Lena. You need to tell her to stay away.”

  Joshua shook his head. It felt as though his blood pressure was spiking, bringing heat to his cheeks. “That’s not going to happen either. This is my haus and my farm, and she’s welcome here anytime she wants to come by.”

  His mother’s expression became smug. “Actually, your dat and I own this land and this haus. And I don’t want her here.”

  She was right. His parents owned the land, and he paid them rent monthly. Joshua bit his lower lip to stop the angry and disrespectful words that bubbled up from his throat. He needed to walk away from his mother before he said something he regretted. “I need to get back to work.”

  “This conversation isn’t over, Joshua.” Although her words were strong, her expression was tentative, indicating she was out of arguments to support her point.

  “Ya, it is.” Joshua stalked out the door and sent up a silent prayer to God, begging him to grant him patience with his mother.

  Carolyn sat on the front porch swing of her house and hugged her cloak over her nightgown. She had said good night to her parents and Benjamin and headed to her room only to find that she couldn’t sleep. Her mind was still racing after the conversation she’d had with Joshua earlier in the day. She couldn’t stop thinking about him.

  She looked up at the clear sky and studied the stars. She couldn’t help but wonder if Joshua had sat on his porch and watched some of the same storms she had over the years. She never imagined someone like Joshua would enjoy doing something as mundane as watch storms. He was much more complicated than she’d thought.

  The clip-clop of a horse coming up their driveway drew her attention away from the sky. She wondered who would visit so late at night. Her stomach fluttered as she wondered if it was Joshua coming to tell her that he
wanted to get to know her better, which was the tradition for the older single members of the community. Bachelors would visit their prospective girlfriends at night when they had privacy to visit without interruption. The women would sit on their porch after their family members had gone to sleep and wait for the men to arrive.

  Carolyn touched her kerchief on her hair to make sure it was straight and then she smoothed her hands over her cloak. Whoever it was wouldn’t be able to tell she was in her nightgown. And even with a lantern near her it was probably too dark to notice she wore slippers.

  The horse and buggy stopped in front of her house, and she held her breath with anticipation. Soon the driver climbed out of the buggy and stepped into the dim light her lantern cast onto the stairs. The figure looked to be slightly too short to be Joshua, but she held on to the hope that it would be his handsome face climbing the stairs to see her. Her excitement faded and she tried to hold back her disappointment when Saul climbed the steps instead.

  “Saul,” she said, doing her best to appear happy to see him. “Wie geht’s?”

  “I’m doing well.” He stopped at the top of the steps. “I’m surprised to see you up at this hour. I thought I would have to throw a pebble at your window.”

  “I couldn’t sleep, so I decided I’d come out for some fresh air.” She motioned toward the chair next to the swing. “Have a seat.”

  “Danki.” He lowered his body into the chair.

  An awkward silence similar to what they had experienced before fell between them as they both stared straight ahead. Carolyn couldn’t help but keep wishing it were Joshua sitting on her porch instead of Saul, and she felt guilty for having such negative thoughts about her visitor. After all, he’d traveled through the dark just to see her. She should feel flattered that he was there making an effort for her sake.

  “Is something bothering you?” Saul’s question broke through her mental tirade.

  Carolyn turned toward him, worried he could read her thoughts. “What do you mean?”

  “You said you were having problems sleeping. Is something weighing on your mind?”