A Mother's Secret

by Amy Clipston

  She was silent for a moment. She’d never expected Saul to say something as thoughtful as asking her about her feelings. “No, there’s nothing weighing on my mind. I’m not sure why I can’t sleep.” The fib rolled off her tongue as if she lied all the time. Her mother would be so disappointed in her.

  “How was your day?” he asked while looking at her.

  “It was busy.” Carolyn told him about running errands, doing chores, and cooking dinner. She asked about his day, and he detailed the current projects in his shop.

  “It sounds like your business keeps you busy.”

  “Ya, it does.” His expression was pleasant. “Emma had a wunderbaar time last week when you, Sarah Ann, Amos, and Ben came for supper.”

  “Oh.” She forced a smile. “I did too.”

  “The truth is,” he said, “I had a gut time too.” He heaved a heavy sigh that seemed to begin from his toes. “I’m not gut at expressing my feelings.”

  “That’s okay. Not everyone is gut at that.” Her shoulders tensed as she waited to hear what he was going to say next.

  “Ever since I lost my fraa, I’ve had a difficult time talking about how I feel.” He shook his head. “I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to talking to women, except when I’m discussing cabinets.” He gave a little laugh, and Carolyn smiled in response.

  They were both silent for a moment. He cleared his throat and kept his eyes staring forward. “It’s difficult for me to believe Emma and I have been alone for six years now. Time certainly does fly by. I wanted to find a proper mutter for Emma, but the time never seemed right for me to start dating again. And then Amos told me about you and Benjamin, and it seemed like God had put you in my path for a reason.” He absently fingered his beard. “What I mean is that I would like to get to know you better.”

  Carolyn was stunned silent by Saul’s openness. Although he seemed like a cold and unfriendly man at his house, she now saw him as a broken man who’d been devastated by the loss of his wife. He didn’t warm her heart like Joshua did, but he was a good man. Although she wanted to marry for love, she knew it was time that she married and had a home of her own and that she had to consider settling for a man who had a kind heart. Maybe God meant for her to marry Saul.

  “So, what do you say?” Saul’s dark eyes were hopeful in the dim light of the lantern. “Would you allow me to get to know you better?”

  “Ya.” Her voice was soft.

  “Gut.” He talked on about his current projects and then the weather while she listened in silence.

  His words were only background noise to the confusing thoughts and sudden feeling of guilt that washed down on her. Carolyn knew in her heart that she would never fall in love with Saul. She felt no attraction to him. Yet here she was promising to be Saul’s friend while wondering if she could ever get to know Joshua better. She hadn’t dated in sixteen years, and now she was stuck in a love triangle. How did she wind up in such a predicament?

  After what felt like an hour, Saul stood. “I should let you try to get some sleep. I’ll come visit you again soon.” He moved toward the stairs. “Gut nacht.”

  “Gut nacht,” she repeated.

  While she watched him drive off, she decided to give Saul a fair chance. He seemed to be the practical solution to her need for a husband and father for Benjamin. Perhaps she was the solution to his need for a wife and a mother for Emma. Yet she simultaneously wondered how she was ever going to get out of this mess without losing her heart.

  ELEVEN

  Carolyn arrived home from work Wednesday afternoon and picked up her pace when she spotted her parents standing on the porch. They seemed to be upset.

  “Was iss letz?”

  “Enos and Irma Bontrager’s dairy barn burned down last night.” Dat shook his head and fingered his long beard. “It was a lightning strike. I just heard the news.”

  “Ach, no.” Carolyn gasped. “Is everyone all right? Did they get their cows out?”

  “Ya, everyone is fine, but they need some fifty men to come and help frame the new barn tomorrow. Amos and I are going to help.”

  “We’ll cook.” Carolyn looked at her mother.

  “Ya.” Mamm’s nod was emphatic. “My dat’s shop burned down when I was five, and I still remember the men who helped rebuild it and the women who brought food.”

  Carolyn carried a platter of macaroni and cheese as she followed her mother, Rosemary, and Sarah Ann into Irma Bontrager’s kitchen. A crowd of women talked and moved about the kitchen while preparing lunch for the men who were working to frame the Bontragers’ barn.

  Carolyn greeted both familiar and unfamiliar faces as she gathered up paper cups for drinks. When she glanced across the kitchen, she spotted Barbie Glick, and her shoulders stiffened. She wondered if Barbie’s presence indicated that Josh and his father had also come to help frame the barn.

  “Carolyn!” Emma Beiler rushed over from the kitchen door. “I was hoping you were here.”

  “Hi, Emma.” Carolyn smiled at the girl. “Wie geht’s?”

  “I’m doing great, thanks.” She held up a platter. “Mei dat helped me make some whoopie pies. We made chocolate and pumpkin.”

  “Oh.” Carolyn leaned down and breathed in the sweet aroma. “They smell wunderbaar, Emma. Great job.”

  “Hi, Emma!” Rosemary joined them. “How are you?”

  The girls fell into a conversation about cooking while Carolyn helped Sarah Ann arrange food on platters that would be served outside at lunchtime. She looked up as Barbie and a young woman Carolyn didn’t know came to the table and began placing lunch meat on a platter. Sarah Ann made conversation about the warm weather and vibrant blooming flowers while Carolyn kept her eyes on the food and stayed quiet. She wondered who the young woman was and noticed that she didn’t speak much either. She wondered if she was also intimidated by Barbie’s outspoken personality.

  Once the platters were ready, Carolyn and Sarah Ann carried them outside to where Carolyn’s mother and a few other ladies had set up three tables near the back porch. A sea of dishes cluttered the table, filled with bread, pickles, pretzels, casseroles, and cheese.

  Carolyn placed the platter on the table and then looked toward the pasture where the wooden skeleton of the barn was taking shape. The naked wood boards stretched up toward heaven with an azure sky as a backdrop. Men lined up on the top of the structure where the roof would eventually be covered. Carolyn guessed there were at least twenty men hanging from the structure while another thirty or so were on the ground cutting boards, making plans, and looking on.

  Hammers banged and voices shouted over the noise. The men worked in unison while the warm sun beat down on them. Carolyn tented her hand over her eyes and scanned the men scattered around the barn structure until she found Joshua. He was nodding and talking to an older man with a graying beard. She also spotted Daniel and Benjamin handing tools to the men who were perched on the structure. Pride swelled within her as she watched her son mingling with the men.

  “They’re making gut progress.” Sarah Ann squinted while watching the workers. “I love watching barn raisings. It’s always amazing to me how it comes together, and they build a schee barn out of a stack of boards.”

  “It is amazing.” Carolyn folded her arms over her apron and wondered if she’d get a chance to talk to Joshua before the day was over.

  “Let’s go call them in to eat.” Barbie motioned toward the young lady. “Come with me, Lena. We’ll get these men to enjoy the delicious food we brought.”

  Sarah Ann stepped closer to Carolyn. “Barbie is nice, ya?”

  Carolyn shrugged and hoped to shield her disagreeable frown. “Ya, she seems nice.”

  “She was telling me earlier that her son runs a horse farm in Paradise.” Sarah Ann snapped her fingers. “Wait a minute. I just figured out the connection. Her son owns the farm where Ben works. Is that right?”

  “Ya, that’s right. Her son is Joshua Glick.” Carolyn looked toward the b
arn and watched Barbie announce lunch to the workers before walking over to Joshua.

  “Ben really likes the job,” Sarah Ann continued. “I heard him telling your dat all about it.”

  Carolyn kept her eyes on Barbie and Joshua. “He does like it. Joshua has been gut to him. He’s learning a lot.” Barbie and the young woman she had called Lena stood by Joshua for a few moments, and she could see Joshua’s expression change. His smile faded and his demeanor transformed. He fiddled with his suspenders and nodded while his mother spoke. Although it was none of her business, she longed to overhear their conversation and find out what his mother was saying. Was she upsetting him the way she upset Carolyn the first time they met?

  “Do you think the job might become permanent?” Sarah Ann’s question broke through Carolyn’s thoughts.

  Carolyn nodded. “Josh says so, but he asked me not to say anything to Ben just yet.”

  “Oh.” Sarah Ann smiled. “I think that’s a gut idea. I’m glad it’s working out for him. Ben needs something beyond our farm.”

  “You think so?” Carolyn was surprised by the comment.

  Sarah Ann gave her a knowing smile. “I’m not blind. I see what goes on. I just haven’t been able to change it. I’ve been trying to make Amos see what our buwe do when he’s not around, but he hasn’t witnessed it yet.” She looked past Carolyn. “Hello. Please help yourself. We have plenty of food.”

  A group of workers lined up around the table, and Sarah Ann began handing out plates. “Carolyn, would you please go get the cups and pitcher of water?”

  “Oh ya. I had the cups in my hands earlier and forgot to bring them out.” Carolyn started up the porch steps toward the kitchen. She looked back and found Joshua standing near the barn skeleton and talking to Lena alone. His mother had returned to the tables and was handing out napkins to the hungry carpenters.

  Carolyn tried in vain to ignore the knot in the pit of her stomach as she continued into the house to grab the cups. She filled the pitcher with ice water and then made her way back to the tables. She spent the next several minutes handing out cups of ice water to the men as they moved through the line, covering their plates with food and commenting on how hard they were working.

  She frequently looked toward Joshua and spotted him still standing with Lena. It looked as if she was doing most of the talking. Carolyn tried to ignore the green envy boiling inside of her. She knew that jealousy was a sin, but she couldn’t stop the emotion from overtaking her. Why should she be jealous of her? All she was doing was talking to Joshua, and, after all, it wasn’t as if Joshua was dating Carolyn. Carolyn hardly even knew Joshua. They’d only had a handful of conversations, which meant they could only honestly consider each other acquaintances and nothing more.

  Yet the dream of getting to know Joshua better had haunted her more and more since she’d visited the farm to take Benjamin his lunch. She couldn’t refrain from thinking about him and wondering what it would be like to spend more time with him. Joking and laughing with him was euphoria to her. When she was with Joshua, she could forget all the heartache and rejection she’d felt since Benjamin was born. It seemed as if Joshua brought out the best in her.

  “Carolyn?” Sarah Ann’s voice startled her from her daydream. “We’re out of water. The pitcher is empty.”

  “Ach!” Carolyn’s cheeks heated with embarrassment. “I didn’t even realize it.” She picked up the empty pitcher. “I’ll go get more ice water.”

  Sarah Ann placed a hand on Carolyn’s arm. “Are you okay?”

  “Ya! Of course I am.” She motioned toward the kitchen. “I’ll be right back.” She rushed into the kitchen, moving past women who were restocking the platters of food.

  While she filled the pitcher with more water and ice, she tried to shake the jealousy that had seized her. She needed to focus on being Joshua’s friend and not dreaming of a relationship with him. After all, he didn’t know her secret, the secret that could ruin her chances of having a relationship with anyone. She knew if Joshua found out that Benjamin was her son, he most likely wouldn’t want to have anything to do with her romantically.

  She headed back down the porch steps with the pitcher of water and nearly ran into Saul, who was moving into the food line.

  “Carolyn.” He nodded and smiled. “How are you today?”

  “Fine, danki.” She groped for something to say. “The barn is coming along nicely.”

  “Ya, it is.” He cleared his throat. “The food looks gut.”

  “Ya.” She held up the pitcher as another woman moved past her with a full platter of lunch meat. “Hopefully it tastes gut too.” She gestured toward the end of the tables where the cups sat. “I’d better get back to my post before people start complaining that there are empty cups and nothing to drink. I’ll see you soon.” She hurried to the last table and began pouring water into the waiting cups.

  Carolyn handed out the drinks and made small talk as the men continued to move through the line. She was filling more cups when someone stopped in front of her.

  “If I take a cup, will you promise not to splash any water on me?” a voice asked.

  Carolyn looked up and found Joshua smiling down at her while holding a plate full of food in one hand. She laughed and then pretended to consider the question. “I can’t make any promises. I’ve been in a splashing mood all day.”

  “Have you?” He grinned. “I guess that means you’re having a gut day?”

  “Ya.” She nodded. “I’m having a really gut day.” Now that you’re here, the day is perfect.

  “So, what do you think of our work?” He pointed at the barn with his free hand.

  She rubbed her chin and scrunched her nose with feigned disapproval. “I think it might be drafty and wet if it rains.”

  He laughed again. “You have the best sense of humor of any maedel I’ve ever met.”

  “I consider that a compliment.” Her heart thumped in her chest. “Are you going to help build the barn the rest of the week or are you only a framer?”

  “Sadly, I’m only a framer.” He frowned. “I would love to give the barn more time, but I have horses to care for. My dat and I are only working here today.” He nodded toward the group of men eating nearby. “I brought Danny and Ben with me too. We’re going to be here most of the day, but then I have to get back to my horses.”

  “I understand.” She smiled. “It’s nice that you’re all helping today. It looked like Ben was enjoying helping out too. I know he enjoys being included in the work, and I’m certain Enos and Irma appreciate everything that you’re all doing for them.”

  “Hey, Glick,” another man said. “You’re holding up the line. We’d all like to get a drink, you know.”

  “Just a minute, Silas.” Joshua shook his head. “People get so grouchy at lunchtime.” He picked up a cup of water and then smiled at Carolyn again. “I’ll see you later.”

  “I look forward to it.” Carolyn watched him walk over to a large tree and sit on the grass with a group of men who were eating and talking. Although jealousy still nipped at her, she felt a renewed attraction toward Joshua. He’d complimented her when he said she had the best sense of humor of any young lady he knew. Did that mean he liked her? She held on to that tiny thread of hope.

  Carolyn handed out drinks to the last of the men in line, including Ben, and then gathered up the empty cups. She was placing the cups and plates onto a platter when Barbie walked up behind her.

  “Carolyn.” Barbie stood close to her and lowered her voice. “I’d like to talk to you for a minute.”

  Carolyn pushed the ribbons from her prayer covering behind her shoulders. “Okay.”

  “I saw you talking to my Josh.” Barbie’s frown was deep in her round face. “Do you like him?”

  Carolyn shrugged despite the alarm rushing through her. Why was Barbie questioning her relationship with Joshua? “We’re freinden. I’ve talked to him a few times when I had to stop by his farm.” She tried to keep her tone e
ven, though she felt a growing resentment toward the woman’s attitude.

  “I know what you’re up to.” Barbie spat out the words. “And you should throw away any thoughts of dating him. He’s getting to know Lena Esh, and they are going to be dating soon. You need to stay out of the way.”

  Carolyn frowned. “I think that’s up to Josh and not you.”

  Barbie gasped as Carolyn picked up the platter and started toward the kitchen, moving quickly past a group of women who were setting out cakes, pies, and cookies for dessert.

  Mamm caught up with Carolyn and climbed the porch steps beside her. “Is everything all right?”

  “What do you mean?” Carolyn stepped into the kitchen and placed the platter on the counter.

  “It looked like you were having a disagreement with Barbie Glick.” Her mother’s expression was full of concern.

  “It was nothing.” Carolyn forced a smile in an attempt to mask her anger. “Let’s grab the remaining desserts and get them outside before the men start to complain.”

  “Wait.” Mamm reached for Carolyn’s arm and pulled her back. “You’re not telling me everything. Was iss letz?”

  Carolyn glanced toward the door as Barbie and Lena entered the kitchen. She then turned to Mamm. “Let’s just say that Barbie reminded me of my place.”

  “Your place?” Mamm shook her head. “You’re not making any sense.”

  “I can’t tell you now.” Carolyn lowered her voice. “I’ll tell you later, okay?”

  “Fine.” Mamm nodded. “But you will tell me later. I’m going to remind you when we get home.”

  Carolyn picked up a platter of whoopie pies and headed back out to the tables. She looked over to where Joshua was sitting and found Saul beside him. She watched the men interact and wondered if Barbie’s warning was a sign. Was Carolyn wrong to even think about Joshua when Saul knew about her past and was willing to accept her?

  The question haunted Carolyn as she placed the platter on the table. She silently prayed for God to send her a sign to help guide her confused heart.