Chariots on the Highway

by Limor Moyal

They both knew they’re facing an inevitable fight, neither of them wanted to be the first one to draw. “I shouldn’t have bashed him so hard. I'm sorry,” said Dan with a shamed look.

  “You shouldn’t have done a lot of things you did in the past hour, Dan! But the worst thing isn’t what you did, it’s what you didn’t do. You didn’t talk to me, Dan, you didn’t communicate, and nothing can work if we don’t communicate!”

  “And I thought, that now when I'm playing for the other team, I wouldn’t have to hear that fucking sentence again!” said Dan sarcastically and immediately regretted it.

  Tom turned around and went upstairs, Dan ran after him scared, when memories of Tom’s last escape, rose up in his mind.

  “Tom, wait, I'm sorry, I'm an idiot, I don’t know what’s going on with me, let’s sit and talk, I promise to try and explain.”

  Tom stopped and turned around, “I'm not going anywhere, Dan. I'm not going to give up so easily on having you. But I'm not going to have you talk to me like that! You need to collect all the bad shit, all the mistakes, all the memories and all the wrongs from Lena's time, you need to make a big pile, and light it on fire! I won’t let you make the same mistakes again, and run me over on the way, Dan! I hope that I'm clear!” Tom was piercing and distant when saying that.

  “I promise! I think I'm more fucked up than I thought, you’ll have to be patient with me.”

  Tom smiled and came over to hug him. The hug was strong, almost desperate. But Dan knew it wasn’t the end of it, and that they needed to talk.

  “Let’s go outside and talk, Dan.”

  They went downstairs and Dan took two beers out of the fridge, while Tom plugged his iPod and filled the back yard with music.

  He chose, not accidentally, Bonfire Heart by James Blunt, and Dan came out to the deck and handed him a cold beer.

  They sat on the deck chairs and listened to the song. Relaxing and organizing their thoughts for the second round. Or what Dan liked to call ‘The conversation they both knew needed to happen.’

  “What did you said to Kfir?” Dan started.

  “The truth, I told him it was you ever since day one. That I fell in love with you the second we met, that I tried to prevent it, to stop it, to turn off my feelings, but I failed, that I tried loving him instead and couldn't, and that now I'm yours!” he summed up and took a sip, still thinking.

  “I'm sorry your plan failed! It sounds like I was in the way of you fulfilling your relationship with Kfir,” Dan said with sarcasm that didn’t manage to hide the insult.

  “Don’t go there, Dan! You know that’s not what I meant. You know I love you, that I've wanted you ever since the first moment we met. But Kfir was ‘collateral damage’ in my own private war and he doesn’t deserve it. You, more than anyone, should understand that!”

  Dan had to agree with Tom about that, “And what did he say about your choice?” asked Dan, when he knew in advance that the answer would hurt him.

  “That I'm an idiot! That you’re using me as your Band-Aid. A Band-Aid for your divorce wounds, for your romantic failures. That you’re lonely and I'm here by default. That it’s only a question of time until you miss a pair of boobs, and kick me down the stairs and that he’ll be down there waiting to catch me when it happens!”

  Dan was so mad that he threw the beer bottle towards the wall and smashed it, “That son of a bitch! I should’ve cut his balls off instead of giving him a life lesson! Fucker!”

  Tom was surprised by Dan’s reaction. He knew it would hurt, but he didn’t know Dan was hiding such aggression underneath his calculated, calm exterior.

  “Is he wrong, Dan?” Tom looked straight at him and asked, not with defiance but with vulnerability and fear in his eyes.

  Dan recognize how raw Tom felt, and that he had to answer and give him the reassurance he so needed, “Tom, you left that prick to be with me. But I changed teams to be with you! Right now it’s irrelevant if I was on the right team to begin with. The fact is, Tom, that at the age of thirty-four I find myself having feelings for you, being attracted to you, and I'm willing to do everything to make sure this relationship works.

  Not because I have to, but because I want to. Like I've never wanted anything before, I want you!” Dan stopped for a moment and checked Tom’s reaction, he saw a little dampness in his golden eyes, “You’re not a Band-Aid, you’re the answer to the question I've only just asked! You’re not the default choice to fill my loneliness, I liked my loneliness until I met you, Tom, and I'm willing to give it up to be with you. And about the pair of boobs… I've never especially liked boobs, and I'm not planning on starting now! Now that I've finally found what I do want, and that’s you, Tom.

  I'm not heterosexual and I'm not homosexual either! I'm ‘Texasexual’!

  It's only you, Tom. I'm gay only for you, and I don’t want any other man or woman! I hope you believe me, Tom,” he finished and looked straight into Tom’s eyes.

  “Let’s dance,” said Tom, stood up and leant Dan a hand.

  Leonard Cohen was singing My Secret Life and their bodies moved together to the sounds, embracing yet still vulnerable.

  “I don’t want you seeing him anymore, or talking to him,” whispered Dan to Tom.

  “Why? Because he wounded your ego?” asked Tom.

  “No! Because he’s threatening to take what’s mine,” answered Dan, “I want to know you’re mine, Tom. That there’s no one else, I'm not built for any other relationship constellations,” whispered Dan.

  “Neither am I, Dan, I'm very monogamous, and if we’re together, then there’s no one else, for me or for you,” he clarified.

  “So we’re together, Tom, and that also means your room is cancelled. I want my bedroom to be our bedroom. My closet will be our closet. I want you to clarify to whoever needs to know, that you’re mine!”

  Tom smiled and kissed him, “Are you going to come out with this? To your acquaintances?” asked Tom.

  “I'm not going to hide it. The only people I care about are deep in the ground. Except for one who’s locked within himself in an institution and I'm pretty sure he doesn’t care who I share my life with. And one who’s beating right here between my arms. The rest can bite me. That doesn’t mean it’ll be easy, I don’t know how and when to do it. I guess it’ll come out when it comes out and that’s it!

  No dramas. You know me and drama got a divorce back in the early years of my life,” said Dan.

  “You bet your ass I know, but I don’t think drama got the memo. She keeps popping up in your life every other day,” smilingly commented Tom.

  “As long as she carries gifts I'm okay with it. Such as yourself,” he said and deeply kissed him.

  “I'm sorry about tonight, Tom,” Dan stopped the kiss so to whisper.

  “I'm not, Dan. In this case, the sentence you hate is valid, ‘What should’ve happened did happen’, we both know that it should’ve happened, and I believe there’s nothing like a good fight to strengthen a relationship.”

  “I can think of much more creative ways, and less painful, to strengthen a relationship,” he said and rubbed his erection on Tom.

  “I see the student is calling me,” Tom whispered to him.

  And so they went upstairs.

  They stood in front of each other and undressed one another, letting their clothes fall on the floor around them.

  The locked gaze on each other was piercing, hot, saying things that were yet to ripen into spoken words and sentences.

  “Dan, I want to let you have me tonight,” declared Tom.

  Dan was startled for a moment, not understanding the meaning of the words, and so the anxiety he hid from Tom was shown in his eyes.

  Ever since that conversation, in a different stage of their relationship, when Tom shared his preference to Dan about being ‘Top’, the thought hadn’t ceased to bother and excite him. He was afraid of the act of penetration, he didn’t think he’s capable of going through that, and on the other hand he was deter
mined to give Tom the optimal sexual partnership.

  As far as he was concerned, sex was much better when it was about giving instead of taking. Tom knew and understood that, he knew Dan much better than Dan had thought, “Don’t worry, Jedi, I'm not going to fuck you until you ask me to,” said Tom with a relaxing smile.

  “For some reason this sentence rings a bell to me,” smilingly answered Dan.

  “Don’t think even for a moment that it’s necessary, Dan. As far as I'm concerned, everything you want to do in bed is enough for me. I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. There are plenty of men who are afraid of, or don’t enjoy bottoming. And I have no problem with that, because I'm not one of them. I actually think that the receiving end enjoys it just as much, if not more than the giving end, and I'm not talking about altruistic enjoyment, I'm talking about physical enjoyment.”

  “If you would’ve said that before my encounter with your finger yesterday, I'd think you’re full of it. But I have to admit that the feeling surprised me, and made me cum like a geyser. Given all of that, I'm scared to death and I'm not there yet, but I do want to get there some day. I hope you’re patient, Tom.”

  Tom came over and kissed him, “All the time in the world for you, Jedi.”

  Dan melted at the words.

  “I want to give myself to you, Dan, I want you insided me,” he said while taking a condom and a little bottle of lubricant from drawer next to the bed, which he’d hidden there before.

  Dan looked at the instruments, confused and embarrassed, the romantic act suddenly seemed very clinical to him.

  “The lube is necessary, the condom… well it depends,” said Tom.

  “Depends?” Dan required clarification.

  “I'm clean, Dan. I haven’t been with anyone without a condom ever since I came to Israel, and the moment I got here, I got tested. I want you to take me bare, nothing in between us,” said Tom, he was a little afraid that the suggestion might have come a little too early.

  “I'm also clean, I had a blood test right after the divorce, just to make sure everything's okay. I also like the idea of no rubber between us, but, Tom, I have no idea what to do. I've never done it with a woman… anal, I mean.”

  Tom smiled at him and kissed him, a passionate kiss that prepared both of them for the act. Their dripping ends touched one another and Tom laid Dan down on the bed, “You don’t need to do anything Dan, I'll do everything,” said Tom, while pouring some lubricant onto his hands and warming it.

  He ran his shiny lubricated hands on Dan’s erection, massaging him and readying him. He sat over Dan, holding himself on his knees and slowly lowered himself, aiming Dan to his secret door.

  Dan was excited and aroused, the view in front of him included an impressive masculine chest that gave away heavy breathing of excitement.

  Tom’s beautiful face, leaning over him, focused, excited, aroused, pupils dilated, lips wet and slightly open.

  He felt himself slowly entering a warm, tight grip.

  The advancement in was slow and it drove him crazy.

  He was scared to hurt Tom, he just looked at him and was conquered by his beauty, by his focused stare while he was leaning over him.

  “Tom, this is amazing, I can feel you grabbing me, Tom… Wow, this is so… Intense, hot… Tom I need to move, I want deeper…”

  Tom progressed a little more and a little more until he reached the base and Dan felt Tom sitting on him, “So move, baby, take me, fuck me, mark me.”

  After this burst of words Dan didn’t wait. He started moving, he began slowly and carefully but when he got the approval from Tom, “Harder Dan!” he pushed himself in harder and started pumping.

  He heard Tom moaning, maybe from pain, or from pleasure. Out of instinct, he grabbed onto Tom’s erection and started rubbing his cock while sliding in and out his tight hole. It was so good and he was so close, “Tom, I'm about to cum. Cum with me,” and that’s the last sentence he said, because three thrusts later, he felt Tom’s hot cum spilling into his hand, and he, as a response, came strongly inside Tom’s ass, filling him up with lust. “Tommy!” Dan shouted from deep inside, he didn’t think about it, it was just shot out of him, out of his subconscious. That name, that Tom didn’t allow anyone to use, but it emerged from him while cumming deep inside Tom.

  “I'm yours now, Dan,” Tom whispered and collapsed onto him, wallowing in the puddle he’d left on Dan’s stomach, and feeling Dan soften and slide out of him.

  “You called me ‘Tommy’,” whispered Tom while still breathing heavily. Both of their pulses were drumming a beat of passion together, chest to chest.

  “Tommy is private, I remember that from our first meeting,” said Dan.

  “And you never asked me who it’s kept for. Why didn’t you ask Dan?”

  “I was baffled by your beauty, from what you made me feel, I was afraid to go into dark places with you, ones that I didn't know how to get out of,” admitted Dan.

  “So ask me now,” whispered Tom.

  “Who’s ‘Tommy’ kept for?” asked Dan.

  “For you, Dan, that moment when I said it’s ‘kept’, I knew it was kept for you. In fact, it was never kept for anyone, until I saw you and I knew I wanted you to be the only one to call me that. The one to call me ‘Tommy’ while buried deep inside my body.

  And now when it’s happened, I want to be your ‘Tommy.’”

  “Thank you for giving yourself to me, Tommy,” replied Dan and kissed him deeply, knowing Tom was now completely his.

  They woke up on Saturday morning to a shower and an orgasm. Their physical need and appetite for each other knew no end.

  Dan felt as if a sleeping monster had awoken within him, with an unsatisfied hunger, who only wanted more and more.

  He couldn’t have stopped touching, smelling, tasting and desiring Tom, and it only became stronger with each and every moment they were together.

  They went downstairs naked, shared coffee, peach slices and skin, and relished each other.

  Dan was sitting on the couch in the living room and Tom sat on him with his legs spread while facing him and feeding him pieces of juicy peach and kisses.

  They had an eye on Monty Python’s Life of Brian, playing on the TV screen, and so they laughed and ate and touched.

  “I think I finally understand that concept of ‘Sabbath Pleasure,” said Dan.

  Tom laughed and took another bite from the peach. The wet, sticky juice covered his lips and Dan lustfully licked them, “I know a few Rabbis who would beg to differ, Dan, I don’t think that gay sex and Monty Python are qualified as legit for a ‘Sabbath Pleasures’ plan. But I really think they should reconsider what Shabbat pleasure should include.”

  Tom got off of him and went over to the kitchen. He came back with a box of vanilla chocolate-chip ice cream and a spoon, sitting next to Dan and snuggling into him.

  He fed them both and in between every few bites he licked Dan with a cold tongue and gave him pleasant chills. The daring and frozen tongue didn’t miss an inch of skin on Dan’s body, and shortly, Monty Python was neglected in favor of another round of mutual orgasms.

  “It’s hard for me to picture you in bed with a woman, touching her, licking her, I think it’s gross, and I know you’re different, but still, wasn’t it disgusting for you?” asked Tom.

  “I'm built differently, Tom, in the sense that all of my attraction and sexual world is focused much more to my head than my body. I'm attracted to people because of their content, not because of the facade, up until you came along I thought it only applied to women, now I know otherwise.

  But there are things that disgust me to the core, only they’re not physical. Narrow minded, racist, patronizing, evil, greedy, hypocritical people arouse such contempt in me! If you put me in a room with a character like that, no matter how beautiful they might be, or sexy, there’s no chance I'll physically react to them, it will probably disgust me.”

  Tom thought about w
hat Dan said, “So it’s kind of a waste that I'm so beautiful. I could’ve been The Hunchback of Notre-Dame for all you care, and you’d still devote yourself to me.”

  Dan laughed, “The fact that you’re beautiful, Texas, adds to my attraction to you, but it’s your inside that’s even more beautiful to me,” replied Dan and kissed him on the forehead.

  “So what do you think about gay sex, from our experiences so far?” asked Tom with curiosity.

  “I think it’s amazing, and much more right for me than sex with a woman. Everything is clearer to me. I know exactly what’s going on with you, how aroused you are and when you’re about to come. I don’t need to guess, or wonder if you faked it. Your body speaks the same language as mine, so I know how to please you. When I was with Lena, I came up with a theory to try and explain to myself, why I wasn’t into having sex with her. I convinced myself that the older I got, the more the masturbation is in the mind instead of the body. Mental masturbation, but also physical. Now I understand it’s all bullshit. My attraction and my need to touch you, to fuck you, to be with you, are so intense that I can reach an unprecedented number of orgasms. I suddenly understand how it’s supposed to be when you’re in the right place, with the right person.”

  “Dan… I love you... Please don’t say ‘me too.’ I know you’re still not ready to say it, and I don’t want you to say it because you feel obligated. But I love you, and I want you to know that.”

  Dan hugged him tightly.

  21 Gay Lizzy

  Tom went back to base, and Dan went back to normal daily life. His life ran a calm, expected course. In the passing two weeks since the last Saturday together, they talked on the phone every chance they got, and managed to spend long weekends together or any other time off Tom could manage. It was like oxygen to them both.

  They missed each other, physically. Their need for each other intensified with every passing day. A need not just for the physical aspect, but all other aspects as well, shared time, shared secrets, shared laughs, even shared meals. Dan thought about him constantly. Everything he did, every sentence he said, every shirt he wore, or sandwich he made, he pictured Tom next to him, watching him, laughing with him, experiencing the moment with him.